I recently watched the 2012 Casualty episode Ricochet 'How to Save a Life', which featured George Rainsford as a surprisingly endearing drug addict called Alexander Forbes-Blackwell, Xander to his friends. I started wondering what might happen if Xander visited the ED in the present day and was mistaken for Ethan. There will be two chapters.

Xander wasn't completely sure what he was doing at the ED. He didn't remember deciding to come here and he certainly didn't feel ill or injured, but he couldn't remember very much at all of the last six hours. The clock on the wall said it was 6pm, but Xander felt as though midday was no more than twenty minutes ago.

He only wished he could remember what he'd been doing. He always had such a good time when he was high. It had the most remarkable effect on his intelligence. He was able to spot jokes that would have gone right over his head if he hadn't taken anything. When he was high, he spent quite a large proportion of the time laughing. Life was so funny, if only you had the mental capacity to notice it.

As he couldn't remember getting here, he wasn't sure if he'd booked in or not. He thought it might be fun to invent an imaginary ailment and see how long it took the doctors to realise he was faking it, but he'd been to this ED before and the one thing he remembered clearly was that a sense of humour bypass seemed to be a prerequisite for all employees.

Perhaps it would be better if he left now. The only alternative was waiting here to see if the receptionist guy with the pony tail called his name. This was problematic because a) waiting time at the ED could be six hours and b) there was no guarantee Xander had given them him his real name.

He stood up and started to make his way out of the waiting room, but something stopped him.

A woman.

No, not just a woman. A goddess. Xander wasn't sure if she was real or a hallucination, but he felt as though he should at least find out.

The goddess' eyes met his.

Xander started to feel dizzy. Maybe she had magical powers. She might be a… a witch or something.

A witch doctor! he thought, delighted with his own wit, as he saw the stethoscope around her neck.

The woman walked up to him with purposeful strides. With legs like those, Xander suspected she'd caused more heart attacks than she'd cured.

"I heard you were looking for me," she said, her eyes travelling up and down his body.

Xander felt it was only polite to do the same to her body. He discovered, among other things, that her name was Dr Lily Chao. "Baby, I've been looking for you my whole life."

The ice melted. Lily smiled and simpered and tossed her hair about distractingly. "Why didn't you say something before?" she giggled.

Xander wanted her. Now. Possibly over the reception desk. "I've only just like, seen you for the first time." He let his eyes enjoy every inch of her body – or at least every inch on display. He imagined the rest. "Woah."

Lily looked confused. "What do you mean: 'whoa'? I am not a horse."

"Oh, I'm not sure about that," said Xander. "There's definitely something of the thoroughbred about you, Lily. You're beautiful; you're not cheap; and I'd like to ride you."

Lily gasped and for a moment, he genuinely thought she might slap him (some women did that: it was very annoying, not to mention painful), but then she smiled. "Perhaps we should continue this conversation somewhere more private."

"Great idea," said Xander happily. "Where shall we go?"

"The on-call room," said Lily.

Xander wasn't sure what that was, but most hospital rooms had either beds or desks and he thought either would suit his purposes. He let Lily show him the way. She said nothing as she walked, instead looking straight ahead of her, but perhaps she didn't want to draw attention to what she was doing. Xander was sure a classy bird like Lily wouldn't sleep with any random patient who showed an interest.

He saw a man walking towards them. A tall man with blondish hair (though not as blond as Xander's) and a general air of fancying himself. "Where are you two off to then?" he asked when he saw Xander and Lily.

"To the on call room for some fun," said Xander. He would bet anything this guy - Dr Caleb Knight, his badge said - had fantasised about doing the exact same thing with Lily. Perhaps he'd even done it, but Xander didn't think so. This Caleb wasn't in Lily's league.

Caleb's eyebrows shot up halfway to his hairline. "Some what?" he almost squeaked.

"Fun," said Xander. He grabbed at Caleb's stethoscope and whipped it from around his neck. "Maybe you should look it up in the dictionary, bro."

Caleb tried to speak, but at first only succeeded in making strangled, inarticulate sounds. "Have you been taking something?"

"Oh, I would imagine so," said Xander, who honestly couldn't remember. "Maybe a bit of LSD. Whatever was lying around the flat. You know." He tried to lasso Lily with the stethoscope, but only succeeded in dropping it.

Caleb quickly snatched it up. "Is he all right?" he asked Lily. "He's behaving very oddly."

"I know," said Lily smugly.

Xander wouldn't have said he was behaving oddly at all, but as long as Lily was happy, who cared?

"Right. Well." Caleb gave Xander another worried look. "I'll leave you to it then."

"Don't worry, Caleb," said Xander airily. "I know what I'm doing."

"For Lily's sake, I hope you do," said Caleb. He frowned. "Where are your glasses?"

Xander stared at him. He didn't wear glasses. He never had. And even if he did, how would Caleb know?

Then Lily answered and Xander realised the question must have been directed at her. "Contact lenses, obviously," she said briefly. "Excuse us, Cal."

"Yeah: excuse us, Cal." Xander pretended to grab at Caleb's stethoscope again and walked off with Lily.

Lily pushed open the door and Xander looked around the on-call room approvingly.

"The bed or the desk?" he wondered aloud.

"The bed," said Lily firmly. "Right, Dr Hardy. Let's get on with it."

Xander was confused for a moment, but then he realised. They were playing a sex game! He'd heard about those. He had a feeling he might even have played one, but his memories were very hazy. "Dr Hardy… no, I don't like that. I'm Dr Forbes-Blackwell and don't you forget it. You are Nurse Fragrant Lily."

Lily's eyes and voice were suddenly full of ice. "You may be Dr Forbes-Blackwell if you wish. It has a certain ring to it."

"Thank you," said Xander, pleased.

"But we don't want any sexism here," said Lily severely. "I am Dr Chao and don't you forget it."

Xander shrugged. It didn't make much difference to him as long as he got laid. "Okay. You're Dr Chao and I'm Nurse Forbes-Blackwell." He liked that. Dominant women always turned him on. He held out his hand. "Nurse Alexander Forbes-Blackwell, but my mates usually call me Xander. Well, sometimes they call me other things too, but not the kind of thing I can say in front of you. But usually, it's Xander."

"But I am not really your 'mate'." Lily said the word as though she found it slightly distasteful. "I am your colleague."

Xander nodded approvingly. If they were going to play a sex game, they might as well do it properly "So, Dr Chao, it looks like you're in charge here. Are you going to ask me to remove my clothes so you can begin the examination or what?"

"That sounds like an excellent idea, Nurse Forbes-Blackwell," said Lily.

Cal really felt as though he needed a lie-down. And unfortunately not the same type of lie-down as Ethan was getting.

He couldn't believe it was really happening.

It wouldn't have surprised him if Ethan had announced he was taking Lily out to dinner, but he couldn't see either of them running off to the on-call room during a shift to have sex.

Yet he had seen it.

Cal tried to treat one of his patients, but it wasn't long before he realised his head wasn't right. "I'm sorry. I need to go and… check something," he said vaguely. "I'll be back soon."

He went to the staff room and opened the door… to discover Ethan calmly reading a textbook.

"Wow, maybe eight minutes was over-generous!" he said.

Ethan looked up. "Eight minutes?" He looked at his watch. "No, I've been here longer than eight minutes."

"But…" Not for the first time today, Cal was lost for words. Ethan definitely hadn't been here for eight minutes, but the truth was equally impossible. How had Ethan managed to have sex, get himself back to the staff room, change from that dodgy t-shirt into his scrubs and take out his contact lenses all in seven minutes?

"Is everything all right, Caleb?" said Ethan, concerned. He closed his book and put it down beside. "Are you okay?"

"Where's Lily?" said Cal.

Ethan shrugged. "I haven't got the faintest idea. I haven't seen her for a couple of hours."

"But…" Cal wondered if he was ill. He did have a bit of a headache. "So, just to check. You didn't just have sex with Lily in the on-call room?"

Ethan looked shocked. "Certainly not! I haven't even asked Lily out for dinner yet. And even if I had, it's the middle of a shift, Caleb!"

Cal stared at him, then he lay down on the sofa and put a hand to his admittedly-warm forehead. "Ethan, I don't think I'm very well."