Cas felt a dull throbbing at the base of his skull. He brought a hand up to cup the nape of his neck. He applied a small amount of pressure hoping to ease the oncoming migraine. This is how they all started. A small ache turned into a full blown migraine within the hour. The first time it happened he had curled into a ball on Dean's bed and tried to avoid crying out. The pain was unlike anything he had ever felt. Of course when he was an angel physical pain had been something wholly unknown to him. A small flicker of annoyance had been his indication that his vessel was damaged. He heaved a sigh and moved off the couch. He knew that before long the light of the living room would be unbearable. It was better that he move into the dark bedroom before the pain became so intense that he could not walk. He did not want a repeat of the time Dean had to carry him to bed. As if experiencing these mind shattering headaches wasn't enough humiliation, a human had carried him. It wasn't any human but still Cas felt a flare of shame when he remembered this.
It was most convenient that he was alone in the house right now. Dean and Sam had both left hours ago to investigate a possible supernatural occurrence one town over. He was not expecting to see them for a few days but he knew that Dean would call him soon depending on what they found. Maybe if he got a few hours of sleep before that phone call he wouldn't have to worry Dean. Regardless he had no intention of informing Dean of his current condition yet somehow he always knew. It did not matter if Cas tried to hide the pain in his voice or avoid wincing when the normal tone of conversation became too loud, Dean always knew. But Dean also knew how fragile Cas' ego had been since becoming human.
He mastered a reaction as soon as he realized that Cas was hiding how much pain he was in. He would squint his eyes and trace them up and down Cas' body as if searching for physical wounds. If they were in company he would make up an excuse that always involved himself and would steer the pair of them out of the room. As soon as he could he would make sure that Cas was lying down. He never asked if Cas was okay. He never said more than three words above a whisper the entire time. He would simply make sure Cas laid out on the bed while walked around the length of the room eliminating noise. The first few times Dean had done this Cas watched him with intrigue. He didn't understand why Dean was going through all of these motions. Why he was trying so hard to ease Cas' pain. It occurred to him one day though that Dean was taking care of him. After soundproofing the room, Dean would pull up a chair and start to read while Cas tried to fall asleep.
Sometimes though the pain would become too much and he would start a mantra of whimpering that he could not quite control no matter how hard he tried. It was at those times that Dean would set down whatever book he happened to be flipping through and lay down softly next to him. Cas would feel the strong calloused fingers running lightly through his hair and a whispered voice at his neck telling him it would be okay. It didn't take the pain away but it did distract him. Cas could focus on the soft mutterings and the earthly scent that came from Dean. He was alone now though. He did not need Dean to take care of him but it did make him feel less alone. Slowly he pulled the door shut and winced slightly at the light from the hall. He laid himself flat on the bed and tried not to move. The headache had already moved to the center of his skull and was threatening to overtake his vision. He let out a small breath and tried to think of other things, anything that would distract him enough to sleep. He thought about the last time Dean had a nightmare. How he heard a breathy "Cas" come from across the bed. Instinctively he had rolled over and grabbed for Dean. He hadn't been able to cure the nightmares as he once did but he could offer some comfort. Unfortunately he was not well versed in human comfort. He tried to mimic the things Dean had done to comfort him in the past. Slowly he ran his fingers up an exposed back. He felt Dean draw closer into him and lay his head on Cas' chest. The warmth felt pleasant and he felt an almost immediate change in breathing coming from Dean. Once again he ran his fingers down the other man's back before asking
"Bad one?" Normally his sentences were far more structured but tiredness was making his eyes ache and he was having trouble forming sentences. He adopted a quick style that was more in line with Dean's speech patterns.
"Yeah. It was hell" Dean replied. Even exhausted and terrified he was attempting to make light of the pain he still endured. Cas felt a heavy weight drop into his stomach and wished more than anything he could take away all of Dean's memories of hell. He knew he couldn't and he wasn't sure Dean would even let him. Cas remembered that they had fallen back asleep in that position. The next morning they did not speak of the nightmare or the weakness that transpired through the night. They did not need to speak of it. They understood that they were both carrying around enormous weights and very little could be done to alter that. Cas felt sleep washing over him and was grateful.
What felt like only minutes later he was shocked awake by his phone on the nightstand ringing. He did not need to check who was calling. It had to be Dean. He hit answer and dropped the phone onto his face. He let his arm drop down to his side knowing gravity would keep the phone in place.
"Hello Dean" he said
"Hey Cas. Looks like we have a dead end here so we should be home in a few hours" Dean said quickly.
"Oh good" Cas replied attempting to keep the sounds of sleep from his voice. It didn't work.
"Are you sleeping?" Dean asked him with a note of suspicion in his voice.
"I may have taken a nap" Cas answered
"Headache again?" Dean asked
"No. I did not sleep well without you last night honey, darling, sweetie pie" Cas answered sarcastically hoping to derail the line of questioning.
"Gross." Dean sighed. They both knew Cas was lying.
"Well go back to sleep. I'll see you when I get home" Dean spoke into the silence of their phone call. Cas was struggling to keep his eyes open.
"Okay. Bye Dean" he ended lamely before tiling his head to the side so the phone would drop next to him. He watched to make sure Dean ended the phone call before falling back into a deep sleep.
A few hours later and he was jolted awake by Dean throwing his jacket across his feet. He groaned slightly and turned over.
"How are you feeling?" Dean asked him.
"Mmm what is that fruit humans use to describe feeling fine?" Cas answered half asleep
"Peaches?" Dean asked
"Yes. That's right. I am feeling peaches" Cas said with a small smile. Dean laughed quietly while he stripped out of his shoes and socks.
"You're peachy?" Dean asked as he perched himself on the bed. Cas felt himself roll towards Dean slightly when the weight of the mattress shifted.
"Yes. Quite peachy" Cas answered. He felt Dean's hand drag across his lower jaw.
"You do feel fuzzy" Dean joked. Dean let his fingers travel from Cas' jaw, down his neck, and stop short of his collarbone before repeating the motion in reverse.
"Are you saying I need to shave" Cas asked. He arched his back slightly stretching out the muscles sleep had stiffened before moving his head closer to Dean's knee. This gave Dean wider access to Cas' skin. He took the hint and traced his fingers down the side of Cas' arm and back up again. Dean shook his head in response to the question. For a few moments neither of them said anything. It was taking Cas a great deal of effort to avoid falling back asleep. The pads of Dean's fingers lightly brushing against his skin was very soothing and if he didn't think about it too hard it wasn't at all erotic. Cas felt the mattress move before he felt Dean's lips planted soft on his neck.
"I hate to tell you this but you don't taste like peaches" Dean breathed. He felt the breath from Dean's words spread across his skin and had to pull his bottom lip into his mouth. He bit down and avoided pulling Dean on top of him. He was worried that too much physical exertion might trigger the headache. Though sleep had gotten rid of the pain he still felt the left over sensitivity tugging at his senses. He released a breath and asked
"What do I taste like then?"
Dean let out a small noise and lowered his lips to Cas' skin once again. He felt a small wetness replaced by a nibble.
"Soap" Dean answered trying to hide a small smirk by kissing Cas again.
"That was not very sexy" Cas replied disappointed.
"Did you want sexy? I was trying to be honest" Dean asked not bothering to conceal his smirk. Cas shrugged his shoulders and looked pointedly away.
"You taste like" Dean trailed off as he lowered his lips to Cas once more. " The first sip of beer after a long day" he paused and contemplated Cas' skin "and the melted ice cream on top of pie" he paused again "and the bite of pickle you get when you eat a hamburger"
"Wow Dean. That was beautiful poetry and imagery" Cas said in the most serious tone he could muster.
"Shut up" Dean replied quickly going red and pushing himself away. Cas grabbed at him and pulled Dean down on top of him. He kissed him lightly before saying
"I am serious. If this hunting thing does not work out, you could have a real career as a poet" Dean pushed himself off Cas completely. He continued his offended act all the way to the bathroom.
"Last time I say something sexy to you" Cas heard him whisper.
"How was the hunt?" Cas asked through the half opened bathroom door. He could hear Dean starting a shower.
"Eh, more natural less super" Dean answered a bit louder than he normally would so Cas could hear him over the shower.
"Is Sam downstairs?" Cas wondered aloud.
" Yeah. I told him to start dinner. Maybe you should go check on him" Dean requested. Cas heard the clinks of the metal shower curtain hooks sliding down the pole. The ruffling of the curtain was close behind. Dean was stepping into the shower and for a moment Cas was torn. Part of him wanted to join Dean. To drop onto his knees in front of him while fingers grasped roughly through his hair. He thought about the five hour nap he had just needed to overcome the tremendous amount of pain he had been in and directed himself out of the room. He let out a small sigh when the last thing he heard was Dean humming contently from inside the bathroom.
Walking down the hall he could hear exasperated noises and cupboards slamming coming from the kitchen.
"Sam?" he asked tentatively as he rounded the corner.
"Uh yeah?" was the answer Cas heard. He walked into the kitchen to find Sam with a terrified look on his face. He was standing in front of the oven and his long hair hung in his eyes.
"Do you require assistance?" Cas asked while looking around at the mess that was the kitchen. He noticed chicken was laid out on the counter and that a variety of spices littered the table. Sam stared at him with a pleading look that plainly said 'help me'. Though he was still a Winchester so his pride kept him from voicing the need aloud. Instead he simply said "If you wanted to help" Cas shook his head slightly and made towards the chicken. Sometimes he forgot how alike Sam and Dean really were. He pulled three frozen chicken breasts from the bag and tried to avoid making a face. This was poor quality chicken and had he still been an angel he would have flown off and slaughtered proper chickens for them to eat. Of course, had he still been an angel there would be no reason for him to felt a melancholy rise up within him and tried to beat the thoughts back. There was no point in lamenting the loss at the moment. Dinner needed to be made and he could always feel sorry for himself later when he was trying to sleep.
He had spent so many nights tossing and turning trying to become comfortable with the idea of being human that Dean had noticed and questioned him about it. The resulting conversation was difficult. Dean already carried the burden of so much, Cas had not wanted to place anything else on those shoulders. He had shrugged a simple excuse about not being used to sleeping. He wasn't lying. He hadn't been used to sleeping. The fact that his body needed to shut down for hours at a time was unnerving, repulsive even. It made Castiel feel weak and vulnerable. What if while he had his eyes closed some monster came and attacked him or Dean? He could no longer protect Dean much less himself. It was because of his adjustment problems that he had taken up hiding in the library at night. He would read until he was tired enough that the depressing memories of being an angel were far from his thoughts. Quietly he would slip back into the room he shared with Dean and pass out. This worked well for roughly a week before Dean woke from a nightmare and panicked when Cas was not laying beside him. When Dean burst into the library and found Cas curled up on a chair reading he yelled at him.
"What are you doing down here?" Cas was bewildered. He could not understand at the time why Dean should be so angry that he was reading so he answered honestly
"Reading?"
"Why aren't you asleep, why aren't you..." Dean had trailed off.
"What Dean? What is the problem?" Cas had asked. Dean looked at the ground. Under his breath he let out a reply "Nothing. I just had a nightmare and you weren't there. I.."
"Worried?" Cas finished for him. Dean licked his lips and glanced up at Cas before staring at the ground again. Dean did not answer but Cas had not needed him to. Ever since he became human he understood Dean more than he ever did before. It was the best thing about becoming human. He was flooded with emotions and more insecurities than he was comfortable claiming. But suddenly he had understood why it had been so hard for Dean all these years. Emotions made him uncomfortable too. He wasn't sure if it was a neurosis he picked up from Dean or one that was a lasting effect of having his emotions on a dimmer switch for all these years. Dean let out a small sigh.
"Seriously why are you down here?" Dean asked again. His voice had returned to its normal tone and he was dragging his fingers through his hair.
"I could not sleep" Cas answered. While his tone was innocent enough Dean still squinted skeptically at him.
"Have you done this before?" Dean asked while he looked accusingly at the book Cas held in his hands.
"Read? Yes. I have been alive for thousands of years so I have had the opportunity" Cas answered avoiding the question Dean was actually asking. Dean was not placated however. He raised his eyebrows and shot Cas' an exasperated look.
"Have you came down to the library because you couldn't sleep before?" Dean explicitly questioned.
"Yes." Cas answered simply. He was only going to volunteer information that was directly asked of him. He was not lying to Dean but he was also not burdening him with the truth.
"How often?" Dean asked. Cas' felt his heart sink a little. He could not get out of a direct line of questioning. He wondered briefly if there was another human rhetoric device he could use that would answer Dean's question but not reveal the whole truth. He decided at this point there was no use in lying. He had been caught and avoiding the question would just upset Dean.
"All week" Cas said nonchalantly.
"ALL week?" Dean repeated
"Yes. I have been having trouble sleeping. Reading helps." Cas explained.
"Why haven't you told me?" Dean questioned
"I did not think it was relevant. It has not been an issue until tonight." Cas responded.
"Hmm. Well come back upstairs. We can talk about it in the morning" Dean had suggested. Cas knew there was a hidden agenda behind his request. He had wanted Cas to be in bed with him. Though, Dean would never say it, Cas knew he felt safer when he was around. He placed the scrap of paper he was using as bookmark between the two pages and closed the book. Dean turned and walked out of the room. Cas followed him. He had not noticed what Dean was wearing before but took advantage of his position behind him to observe. Dean was shirtless and his back muscles stuck out in a pleasing manner. He had plain black boxer briefs on. They also hugged him in a pleasing manner. Cas wondered if he could convince Dean to partake in some sexual deviancy before falling asleep again. It seemed they both needed a distraction. When they reached their bedroom Cas quickly caught up with Dean. He brought his hands to Dean's hips and turned him around. He backed him into a wall and was pressed against him before Dean could do anything.
"Cas?" Dean asked. Cas responded by kissing down Dean's chest and sneaking his hand into the boxer briefs.
"Cas.. wait" Dean said before he gasped because Cas had wrapped his hand around a quickly hardening cock.
"I think we both need a distraction" He explained.
"Cas" a voice sounded from his left. Sam was standing next to him. Clearly he had just asked him a question but he had been caught up in a memory. He shook his head slightly and focused on Sam.
"I am sorry. What?" He asked.
Sam pulled a skeptical face and repeated the question "What side dish should I make?"
Cas thought for a minute. Rice would be too complicated.
"Could you manage a salad?" he asked. He had not meant to sound so condescending but Sam had pulled him away from a rather good memory. Sam simply laughed off the condescension and replied "Yeah, I think I could manage it." Sam walked over to the fridge and began pulling out the required ingredients. Cas watched him for a moment. There was something excellent about Sam that he could not quite explain. Perhaps it was the years of dealing with Dean's sass or perhaps it was all the suffering that had made him wise but he never really got angry. Given the right circumstance, if Dean had been threatened, Sam could be an unholy nightmare but for the most part he always managed to laugh off minor insults. It was one of the ways he was very unlike Dean. Cas respected Sam for this ability.
"I am sorry about that. I was just..in my head"
Sam looked over at him for a moment. "It's alright. My cooking skills are pretty subpar"
Cas could not think of a response to Sam's self degradation. He simply nodded and finished washing the chicken.
"What were you thinking about?" Sam asked casually.
"Oh..uhm" Cas replied quickly. He could not think of a lie fast enough.
"Never mind" Sam said. A red flush was working its way up Cas' neck. He could feel the heat and stared at the spices laid out in front of him. Suddenly how to season the chicken was a great deal more interesting than normal.
A few hours later Cas was curled up under the small light located in the corner of the bedroom. He looked over the edge of his current read to watch Dean roll over in his sleep. One leg was thrown over the empty side of bed that Cas usually occupied. He heard Dean give a small snore before he drew his eyes back to his book. He had really tried to fall asleep. He had laid down with Dean and felt as he fell asleep at Cas' side. Their sleeping issues were opposites. Dean could easily fall asleep anywhere at any time but he could rarely stay asleep for longer than four hours. Cas could not fall asleep easily ever but instead tossed and turned until he wore himself out. Once he was asleep though he would not wake up again until it was time to. For some reason he never experienced dreams. It frustrated him. He always believed one of the great things about being human was the ability to dream but the power eluded him. Though, perhaps he should feel grateful. His dreams would undoubtably be as terrible as the ones he watched Dean experience. He didn't really need the dreams to keep him awake.
He heard Dean move around in the bed again. This roll was more frantic. He watched for more movement. When Dean started moving once again Cas laid his book down. He got up from his position and felt an ache behind his knees. He had not realized how long he had been sitting in the same spot. His muscles protested as he walked towards the bed. Shifting his weight around he got into bed as lightly as he could manage. Dean's previous roll had left his side of the bed clear. He had no way of knowing for sure but Cas had a feeling that he should be laying next to Dean if he woke up. Cas had several occasions to observe Dean's sleeping behaviors but it never stopped making Dean uncomfortable until he had become human. It was at Dean's request that he stopped making nightly trips to the library but instead brought his books to their room and read.
"I don't want to keep you awake with the light" Cas had protested.
"After years of sleeping in motels? I'm used to it." Dean had replied. Cas could not think of an argument against it and he had no preference about which room he read in. Since then the nightly ritual was standard. Cas would lay down and wait until Dean fell asleep before getting up and continuing from the place he left off the night before. He had finished ten books already. It would have been a larger number but he had a hard time reading on the nights that Dean was out hunting. His mind was easily sidetracked by the thoughts of Dean and Sam being killed. Since the loss of his powers he had wanted to become a hunter, to try and be as useful as possible. Dean had agreed to take Cas with them on the next hunt they encountered. When it happened, a werewolf in Reno, it became clear that Cas had very little experience with weapons handling. While he still retained most of the knowledge he had as an angel very little of his strength remained. It was painfully obvious that he had the capacity of a human. Dean had refused to let him come on another hunt until he had passed a series of tests. He was still in the process of proving he could handle a handgun. Blades had been easy for him. He had wielded one as an angel and the muscle memory came flooding back to him. It was his preference to carry one on a hunt but Dean was convinced that he needed to become well rounded in all weapons handling.
Cas let out a small sigh as he continued to watch the hunter sleep. The movements had ceased. He was wondering if this was a false alarm and he might be able to continue reading. Very suddenly he felt Dean jerk next to him. His eyes flashed open and his breathing was quicker than normal. Cas shot out a hand and laid it across Dean's chest. Dean pulled into him. Cas said nothing. There was nothing to be said. Dean's breathing slowed once again. Cas waited a few more moments before he assumed it was safe to get out of bed. He lifted his upper body off the mattress and was about to swing a leg off the side when he felt Dean's hand wrap around his wrist.
"Stay" he muttered sleepily. His eyes were still closed. As soon as Cas laid back down Dean moved over and laid his head on the now horizontal chest. A arm snaked around his side. A small sad smile wove its way over Cas' face. He eyed the book that was still propped open on his vacated seat. That position was going to cause the jacket flap to permanently stay open a pet peeve of his but there was little to be done about it now. Dean was wrapped around him and had asked him to stay. He might as well try to fall asleep.
Cas awoke in their darkened room alone. He always slept late because of his inability to fall asleep reasonably. Luckily their room had no windows so he was never forced awake by the bright hateful rays of the sun. He rolled over and blinked the sleep away from his eyes. The bed next to him was cool. Dean had probably gotten up hours ago. He stretched and sat up. His eyes fell on the book he remembered was left open last night. It was closed and piece of paper stuck out from the top. Cas dropped his chin to his chest and smiled. Dean was certainly not a sappy romantic but he never failed to show that he did care. It was in small details that other people may have overlooked but for Cas they stood out like beacons. Slowly he stepped out of bed and made his way to the shower. If he wasn't mistaken it smelled as if food was being prepared.
A shower fresh Cas sat down at the table a half an hour later. Dean was standing in front of the stove flipping a sandwich over on a pan. He set the spatula down and noticed Cas was sitting at the table expectantly.
"Can I help you with something?" Dean asked playfully.
"What are we having?" Cas questioned
"We?" Dean said. Cas looked at the two sandwiches already on plates.
"I cannot help but notice there are three sandwiches prepared" Cas explained. Dean nodded his head slightly. He pursed his lips and made an impressed face.
"I'm very hungry" Dean said while he shrugged his shoulders. He grabbed one of the sandwiches off the plate and took a large bite out of it. Cas frowned and tried to look extremely put out. Dean heaved a dramatic sigh before saying "But, I guess I could part with one of them" He walked over to the table and dropped the sandwich he had just taken a large bite out of in front of Cas. Cas frowned again but before he could protest Dean left a soft kiss on his cheek. In spite of himself he smiled.
"You smell nice" Dean whispered.
"I used your soap. I need to buy more" Cas explained.
"Oh. I smell damn good. How do you keep your hands off of me" Dean said slyly backing away from Cas. Cas couldn't help the smile but rolled his eyes. Dean walked back over to the stove and continued monitoring its progress. Cas watched him for a moment before remembering the sandwich in front of him. He picked it up and nibbled around the corners. A slice of avocado fell into his mouth and he contemplated it.
"What kind of sandwich is this?" He asked.
"Grilled cheese with avocado and tomato" Dean answered without taking his eyes off the stovetop.
"You like?" Dean asked.
"Compliments to the chef is appropriate here right?" Cas asked
"Yes but I don't really want your compliments" Dean answered looking at Cas with hooded eyes. Cas inferred the implication but played along.
"What would you like from me?" He asked
"Hmm" Dean dramatically prolonged his contemplating. "I wouldn't say no to your mouth around my cock"
Cas licked his lips and tried to act coy. It was difficult. He could not stop the smile etched into his face.
"I am not sure... I think I have an appointment after breakfast" Cas said focusing his eyes on his food. If he didn't look at Dean he could keep a straight face.
"An appointment in the training room?" Dean asked seriously. Cas shrugged his shoulders as he said "Maybe?" It was Dean's turn to try and hide a smile. It became easier for him however when Sam walked in the room. Cas returned to his sandwich innocently. Dean flipped the last sandwich onto a plate and walked over to Sam who was flicking his eyes suspiciously between the pair of them.
"Thanks" Sam said when Dean put the plate on the table. Cas took the last bite of his sandwich. He stood up and opened the dishwasher. He was trying to think of anything that could cover the awkward silence but he was having a hard time thinking about things that weren't sexual and Dean related. He decided to escape the situation altogether.
"I am going to wait in the training room" He announced and backed out of the door before his red flush could give him away. He made his way through the halls until he reached a staircase. The training room and gun range were both downstairs. Normal people had basements but not the Winchesters. They had dungeons and rooms with arsenals, still Cas felt completely comfortable here. The first few weeks after he became human were rough. He could no longer travel anywhere he wanted at any moment. Being confined in one house even a large one was suffocating. Frequently Cas wondered how Dean managed to handle how insolent and sullen he had become. He was moody and barely talked. He would sit at the kitchen table and stare at his own hands without saying a single thing. Dean would come in, make food and talk to Cas the entire time. He never responded but that didn't seem to stop Dean from talking. He would slide food in front of Cas who would apathetically stare at it. The pain of losing his grace infiltrated every single part of him. Breathing, something he never had to do, was a painful reminder of everything he had lost. Cas shuddered and tried to draw his thoughts away from those painful memories. He had decided to stop thinking about his pain in the hopes that it would disappear over time. To an extent it had but, of course, a large portion of that was Dean. He would never let Cas feel depressed for extended periods of time before yelling at him to "get over it". This usually resulted in a scowl from Cas. The only time Cas was allowed to feel depressed without commentary was when a headache overtook him. Those times however were usually interrupted by skull splitting pain. It was hard to feel sorry for himself with his brain throbbing against its encasing. Cas felt hands wrap around his waist and his instincts kicked in. He threw his elbow back and felt it collide with something solid before he rolled out of the grip.
"OW, Cas what the hell?" Dean demanded. He was rubbing the right side of his jaw and staring at Cas in disbelief.
"Oh Dean. I apologize. You surprised me" Cas explained
"So you elbowed me in the face?" Dean asked exasperated.
"It was..instinctual" Cas answered
"Instinctual huh?" Dean asked. Cas felt a strong desire come over him. Dean's tone made it clear that Cas was going to have to make that misplaced elbow up to him.
Dean crossed the few paces between them and crushed his lips onto Cas'. He responded by stepping further into Dean and grabbing at his hips. Their mouths wrestled for control a moment before Cas let Dean take what he wanted. He had wanted intimacy for two days now but things kept getting in the way. He quickly stripped Dean of his shirt and grabbed for the top button on his pants when Dean forced them to kiss again. Cas expected that eventually he would get used to the taste of Dean on his lips but it had not happened yet. Each time Dean kissed him, he had to avoid licking his lips for more. Cas wished more than anything he hadn't wasted so much time as an angel. He hadn't understood desire or attraction. Even then, he knew Dean was different but he didn't really know how. When he first became human it was confusing too. He didn't understand why his heart hammered against his chest every time Dean came close to him or why he felt torn in half whenever they weren't in a room together. He had known about human attraction and what the usual symptoms were but he had never felt it. Cas pulled himself out of his head and dropped to his knees in front of Dean. He fumbled slightly on the zipper in front of him. He tore at the edges of Dean's jeans before they were pooled around his ankles. Cas was tired of foreplay and waiting. He practically ripped Dean's boxer shorts off of him. Without hesitation he wrapped his hand around the base of Dean's cock and brought his mouth around the head. He heard Dean sharply inhale at the contact but he was in no mood to wait. Quickly he brought more of Dean's cock into his mouth. He felt the precum hit his tongue and swallowed eagerly. Cas brought his hands up Dean's legs and left them on the back of his thighs. Dean was being far too quiet. Cas sat up on his knees and brought all of Dean into his mouth. He heard Dean let out a small whimper and had to pull the cock out of his mouth to smirk. The loss of contact made Dean moan.
"Alright, ready to train now?" Dean asked him after they had spent a considerable amount of time collapsed on top of each other.
"I might need pants" Cas answered looking around at the clothes that were scattered everywhere.
"Psh you don't need pants." Dean scoffed. He moved his arms from their position on Cas' back to put them behind his head. Laying on the floor could not have been comfortable for him but he did not ask Cas to move. Cas lifted his head and rested it on his hands still laying on Dean's chest. He stared at Dean without any thought interrupting his gazing. His viewing was interrupted by an image of Sam walking into the training room to see them naked and tangled together. The image made Cas very self conscious. He pushed himself up using Dean as a platform. Dean made a noise when Cas put more of his weight onto Dean's chest. Cas looked around at the scattered clothes, searching for his pants. He noticed them laying under a table in the far back corner of the room. He stood up completely and made his way to the table.
"I have a pretty thorough understanding of physics but I am unsure of how these managed to make it all the way under this table" Cas said as he scooped his pants off the floor.
"It makes even less sense considering I was laying on top of these" Dean said staring at Cas' brief hanging off the tip of his index finger. Quickly he crossed the room to Dean and grabbed for his underwear. Dean was quicker, however, and snapped his hand back away from Cas. He rolled his eyes and reached around Dean's back. Dean moved the underwear out of his reach.
"Really Dean?" Cas asked him still trying to reach his underwear. Dean let out a low laugh and responded "I can't help it. You're very cute when you are naked" Cas could feel himself blush. He would never admit it to Dean but he was very pleased with the skin he was stuck in and it pleased his even more when Dean expressed admiration for it as well. Tired of side stepping Cas, Dean asked "Magic phrase?" Cas dislodged himself from Dean and bit his lip. He knew the next sentence was going to cause him a great deal of pain. He took a deep breath and said as quietly as he could manage "Dean Winchester is the greatest..."
"And?" Dean prompted
Cas scoffed "and the best sex I've ever had"
"That's right baby" Dean said while handing Cas his underwear. Cas snapped the underwear out of Dean's outstretched hand. Dean winked and turned to put on his own clothes. Cas watched as Dean wiggled his hips in a suggestive manner to pull his pants on.
"So where did we leave off last time?" Dean asked while pulling his undershirt over his head.
"Some basic hand to hand but I have told you I do not need that training. I was a warrior of God. I know how to fight" Cas tried to keep the hurt from his voice as he answered. Dean bent down and grabbed his plaid shirt off the floor. He walked over to the table and set the shirt down before he addressed Cas' comment. "I know that Cas. But when you were an angel you had a lot more strength. You need to train" Cas tried to stop the anger that rising in him. He knew Dean was right. He knew that he needed to retrain all of his now human muscles. He couldn't help but feel weak though. Almost as if he could see the thoughts racing through Cas' mind, Dean said "You're not weak Cas. You're just human. Things are different now."
"Right." was all Cas could muster as a response.
"Alright. Come on" Dean said. He moved into the center of the room where mats were laid out. Cas followed him. He watched as Dean moved his fists in front of his face and altered the weight of his stance. He mirrored the movement. There was a moment of disconnect where neither man made a move before Dean quickly threw a right hook and Cas jumped left to avoid it. Cas kicked low while Dean repositioned. He felt his leg make contact but Dean surprised him by wrapping his arm around his leg. Dean used the force of Cas' kick to roll him to the ground. Cas hit the ground and made a small groan. Before he could flip himself back up Dean was straddling him with a cocky look on his face.
"Lucky I am not a vampire. You'd be dead" Dean said. To prove a point Dean pinned Cas' hands to the mat and leaned down to take a small bite out of his neck. Right before his teeth made contact, Cas jolted his hips up and took advantage of catching Dean off guard to switch their positions.
"Now who would be dead?" Cas asked slightly out of breath. Wisely he jumped off of Dean and let him get off the floor. Cas knew that he lacked the strength to keep Dean pinned for long.
Forty-five minutes later and Cas was laying on the ground panting. Dean had just gotten the better of him once again. Dean offered a hand to him. He swung his right arm up and gripped Dean tightly. In one swift movement he was off the floor.
"Why don't we take a break" Dean suggested.
"Sure" Cas responded but he wasn't fooled. Dean had been running circles around him the entire training session. It wasn't that Cas couldn't fight, he just couldn't fight as well as Dean. Of course, Dean had about thirty more years experience being human than he did. It was an unfair advantage Cas reasoned.
"I could use some water, want some?" Dean asked
"Sure" Cas said again attempting to nurse his wounded pride. Dean nodded and walked briskly from the training room. Alone, Cas tried not to feel terrible about his lack of strength. He was trying very hard not to berate himself. He wanted to give up the desire to be a hunter. He could never be any real use to Dean anyway. He would always be a burden. He might as well stop and take up first aide skills instead he thought. He wiped the sweat away from his brow and wondered what the best way to tell Dean he was going to stop training was. Surely, Dean would understand that these sessions were going nowhere and his time was better spent hunting things. Before Cas had a chance to picture Dean's disappointed response a sharp pain exploded behind his eye and all prior thoughts were wiped from his mind. Cas dragged his hands up to his face and clutched at the area. It felt like needles were being stabbed repeatedly into the same area of his skull over and over again. He dropped to his knees and drew his lip into his mouth to avoid crying out. The pain was unbearable. He lost focus on the room in front of him. A painful white light was spreading into his vision. He could no longer contain the screams pouring out of his mouth. Every heartbeat felt like another needle piercing his skull. He cried for a release but none came. What composure he was maintaining melted away and he sunk into a fetal position, both of his hands grasping his skull. He screamed again as his skull throbbed.
"Cas?" he heard Dean ask before everything went dark.
Cas awoke in a cold unfamiliar room. A slow and steady beep from a machine was close by. Confused, he stared at every corner of the room trying to figure out where he was and what had happened. Finally he looked in the front left corner near the head of his bed and saw Dean with his head laid on his chest asleep. Cas shook his head slightly. He felt a small pain in his left arm and looked down. A plastic iv butterfly was stuck in the crook of his arm. He followed the line and saw a clear bag dispensing fluid into his system. He must be in a hospital he reasoned. He did not understand why he was in a hospital though. The last thing he remembered was Dean walking out of the room to acquire water. Cas focused on that memory for a moment before the terrible agony came flooding back to him. He must have passed out. Cas pulled a face. What a ridiculous waste of resources, he thought, Dean must have been scared and drove him to the hospital. Cas let out a small sigh and considered pulling the butterfly from his arm. This was ridiculous, he thought, there was no need for him to be in the hospital. Just as he was reaching over to pull the tube Dean let out a large sigh and stretched. Dean's eyes flew open and immediately found Cas. A small look of relief passed through his face before he said
"Cas! You're alright" Cas contemplated Dean for a moment. Worry lines were etched in his face and there were red marks at the base of his skull where he must have dragged his fingers numerous times.
"I am. Why are we at the hospital" he asked
"You were screaming and then you passed out..." Dean paused for a moment to drag his fingers through his hair "I didn't know what else to do" he finished. Cas had to try very hard not to roll his eyes.
"Dean. I am fine. This is completely unnecessary." Cas said attempting to keep an even tone.
Dean lifted his eyebrows and stared at him. "No. Cas. You are not fine." Dean said with a small trace of anger in his voice. Cas dropped his head onto his chest and thought of an argument that would get them out of the hospital and stop Dean worrying about something so trivial.
"I am sure whatever is happening with these headaches is simply a side effect of changing species. These humans are not going to be equipped to handle this situation." Cas explained calmly.
"We aren't leaving and I don't care if you don't think these humans can figure out what's wrong with you. We have to do something" Dean replied and stood up. Cas watched him wince slightly as his muscles straightened.
"I am going to get some coffee do you want something?" Dean asked him as he made his way to the door. Cas turned his head away and stared in the opposite direction. He did not respond to Dean's question. He knew pouting was not the mature response but he did not know how else to handle being stuck in a hospital because Dean worried too much. He could feel Dean staring at him but he did not turn his head. Instead he pretended the wall he was looking at had some very interesting and relevant information that was necessary for his continued survival printed on it.
"Fine" Dean murmured under his breath and walked out of the room. Once he was alone he laid back on the bed. If he was being honest with himself he was exhausted but he did not want Dean to know that. Cas closed his eyes and felt the strong desire to fall back asleep but he forced himself to stay awake. If he fell asleep again it would prove Dean right and then they would never get out of this hospital. He opened his eyes again and focused on the room. It was an individual room that only held the one bed he was currently occupying. Cas wondered how many people Dean had to threaten to accomplish this. He heard footsteps echo down the hall and turned towards the sound. He was intently watching the doorway to take note of who walked by when Sam turned into his room.
"Hey Cas" Sam said when he saw that he was awake. Sam surveyed the room and before Cas could return the greeting he asked "Where's Dean?" Of course the Winchesters were always going to ask about one another before anyone else. Cas tried not to feel too upset about this. He knew that was the nature of the brother's relationship.
"He is acquiring coffee" Cas answered
"Great. How are you feeling?" Sam asked
"Ridiculous" Cas answered honestly. Sam would be more understanding, Cas realized, since he was often on the other end of Dean's worrisome nature.
"Yeah, those hospital gowns will do that" Sam said casually.
"Sam, you have to tell Dean that I do not need to be here." Cas pleaded
"And have him yell at me for not being more concerned about your well-being? No thank you." Sam answered and perched himself on the arm of the chair Dean had vacated. Cas frowned at Sam and said "Coward". Sam let out a small chuckle and shook his head.
"You're one to talk man, fight your own battles" Sam teased. Cas scowled but before he could mount another defense a man in a white coat walked into the room.
"Ah Mr. Winchester, I am Dr. Herbert. I have been assigned your case. How are you feeling?" the doctor asked. For a moment Cas was confused. He did not understand why the doctor was asking Sam how he was feeling when he was the one laying in the hospital bed. Luckily he quickly realized that it was human custom to have a last name. Dean must have given his last name when they admitted him.
"Fine." Cas answered simply. He did not trust this doctor and he did not want the process to take any longer than it needed to.
"It says here" Dr. Herbert pointed to the clipboard he held in his hand "that you have been experiencing headaches"
"Yes." Cas agreed
"How often have you been having them?" Dr. Herbert asked
"I am not sure. I have not been keeping track" Cas answered truthfully. He had not noticed a pattern and had never been worried enough to keep notes of when they happened.
"About twice a week for the last month" Dean's voice answered from the doorway. He was leaning against the door frame avoiding Cas' glare.
"Okay. What would you rate the intensity at? Are these mild, moderate, or extreme?" Dr. Herbert continued his line of questioning. Cas contemplated the question for a moment. Certainly they were extreme sometimes. The last one in particular had been extreme enough that he passed out.
"Moderate" Cas answered.
Several questions later and Cas was being scheduled for a MRI. Still convinced there was nothing wrong with him Cas was ignoring Dean who had an annoyingly smug yet worried look on his face. Cas could practically hear the 'I told you so' swarming around Dean's head. There was a tense silence in the room that Sam had attempted to break several times with no success. Cas was picking at his gown wishing he had a book with him. It would have been easier to ignore Dean's now almost frantic pacing if he had print in front of him. He was not worried but seeing Dean pace was giving him an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. Just as he was about to tell Dean to sit down a woman in dark green scrubs entered the room with a wheelchair. Cas felt a flush rise up his neck and heat his cheeks. He was not completely useless. This was ridiculous. He could walk perfectly fine he argued in his head.
"Can't he just walk?" Dean asked for once since this whole ordeal started siding with Cas. Despite his annoyance he felt a twinge of gratitude. Dean knew that Cas already felt humiliated and that being pushed down the halls of a hospital would not help his pride.
"Nope. Hospital policy and all" the nurse answered briskly. Dean shot Cas an apologetic look. Good, thought Cas, at least he feels sorry for something he is subjecting me to. Cas thought for a brief moment of resisting. Nothing was stopping him from standing up and leaving the hospital. He did not have to take this test. He did not have to find out what was wrong with him. He could walk away and continue his adjustment to human life in peace. He began to plan the bus route home when he heard Dean ask "Can I push him?" The nurse gave Dean a strange look and said "Uh sure I guess".
Cas was not sure that Dean pushing him in a wheelchair was any less humiliating but a tightness in his chest was loosening. Slowly he hung his legs off the side of the bed and stood up. He walked the few paces to the chair and sat down sparing Dean a fleeting glance. The short walk had made him dizzy and he had to resist the urge to put his head between his knees to stop the world from spinning. He did not want to admit that something might actually be wrong with him though so he suffered in silence. Before he had regained composure Dean began backing him out of the room. Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt slightly more stable and chanced opening his eyes again. Dean had walked them out of the room. The nurse was walking a few paces ahead of them leading the way to the correct ward. The further down the hallways they walked the more anxious Cas became. If Dean had not been responsible for their movement Cas would have found himself going in the complete opposite direction. The nurse slowed and veered left to push open a door. She held the door open and Dean pushed Cas through the doorway. Cas felt Dean's hands leave the back of the wheelchair. He turned around to see Dean paused in the doorway unsure of whether he could continue inside. The nurse looked at him expectantly for a moment before saying "You can stay with him" Dean nodded and continued into the room.
"Alright, Mr. Winchester this process is fairly simple. You are going to lay down on this" the nurse patted a slab of metal and plastic before continuing "Once you are situated it will move inside the machine and take the scans. It is important that you lie still otherwise it will take longer." Once she finished explaining she made her way around the machine and began to adjust things Cas could not see. He looked at the machine in front of him and thought it looked like a large portal. The quiet hum of the machine in the room was making him nervous. He began looking around the room hoping something would calm him down. At the back of the room there was another door that led to a smaller room. Cas could not see what was inside.
"Ready?" the nurse asked. He was not ready. He had no idea how humans normally handled these situations. He swallowed hard and felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to the left and looked up. Dean gave him a reassuring nod and he stood up. He hoisted himself onto the slab. It was not cold but Cas did not like the feeling of his exposed skin touching the machine. He had not been aware of how uncomfortable the hospital gown was until this moment. It was three layers lighter than the usual amount of clothing he wore and it made him feel very vulnerable. Cas looked up at Dean once more, his eyes pleading with him to stay. Dean took a deep breath and walked over to the chair next to the machine and sat down.
"Before we get started, you don't have any metal of any kind on you?" the nurse asked while indicating that Cas should lie back. He shook his head in answer.
"Good. Remember be as still as possible. If you need anything there is a button in the machine you can press" she explained while pointing inside. The machine began to hum a little louder while it pulled the slab holding Cas inside. He tried to drown out his situation but the noise made it hard to concentrate on anything else. Once the slab stopped moving he was staring at the inside of the half circle. It was largely uninteresting. He wondered how long this was going to take and closed his eyes. If he tried extremely hard he could picture himself leaving the hospital intact.
Forty minutes later Dean was pushing Cas back to his room. The scan had been uneventful but Cas was still glad the whole ordeal was over. It was not frightening but it certainly was not comfortable. He considered voicing his complaints to Dean but Cas noticed Dean had been unreasonably quiet ever since the scanning process started. He wished that he could have been walking next to Dean so he could silently investigate by marking Dean's facial features. Instead he attempted to make conversation "Did you happen to inquire about how long the results would take?" Dean did not respond right away but instead continued pushing Cas until they were inside his room.
"They said it might take a little while" he answered briefly. Cas got out of the wheelchair, thankful that he could be in charge of his own movements again.
"Do you know where my clothes are?" Cas asked searching the room with his eyes. Dean squinted at Cas skeptically as he asked "Why?"
"If it is going to take awhile we should go somewhere else. We can go get food or take a walk or anything else" Cas rambled. One look at Dean's reaction and Cas knew that he was not going to leave this room anytime soon.
"...or not" Cas said quietly and sat down on the bed. He knew Dean had more experience being human and he trusted him completely but this seemed a little unnecessary. He was about to voice this opinion when Dean said "Look I know that you think everything is fine and that this is a waste of time but I am not so sure. So please Cas, for me, let's just wait it out."
"Okay" Cas responded and laid back in bed. Maybe Dean had a point. Now that he was laying down again he was feeling worn out. If they were going to stay and wait for the results it could not hurt to take a small nap. He closed his eyes and listened to Dean move around the room.
An unknowable amount of time later Cas was being forced awake. He could hear Dean calling his name quietly and felt a small nudge on his shoulder. Cas made a disgruntled noise and tried to turn away from Dean, away from being awake.
"Come on Cas, they've brought your results in" Dean explained. Cas' eyes shot open. Dr. Herbert was standing at the foot of his bed with a clipboard in hand and an unreadable expression on his face. The next ten minutes went by in a haze of medical jargon. It wasn't until Cas felt a strange tingling sensation in his fingers that he noticed Dean was grasping his hand too tightly. The shock of what he had been told caused a strange disassociation. Even months later the most he could remember from the conversation was the doctor saying "There is a shadow."