Middle of Nowhere

~It's so cold with nobody to hold me ~

I wake up to my alarm clock ringing loudly. I groan and throw myself out of bed. I hate getting up this early, but ever since Trina refused to take me unless we left 30 minutes earlier, I have had to get up this early every morning. School is hardly bearable now, Andre hasn't been in for a week! If he isn't in today, I swear I will lose my mind! Pulling a dark purple sweater over my head, I glance at the clock. Oh crap. I think as I notice that I only have 15 minutes to get ready. I forgot that I had been fiddling around with my clock last night and must have changed the alarm settings. Running down stairs whilst teasing my curls into an easy ponytail (my hair is curlier than it looks), wasn't easy and I almost fall face first down the stairs. I shove my purple Converse on at the bottom step and grab a breakfast bar. With five minutes to spare, I quickly put some mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss on.

"Come on Tori!" My sister screams from outside "I can't be late for school again!"

I had made her late the week earlier, that time on purpose, just to annoy her. Shoving some hoop earrings in to my earlobes, I race out the door.

"Finally" Trina grumbles as I slip into the car. I just give her a tight lipped smile, since our mom taught us "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all". I was grumpy, tired and annoyed so anything I said to Trina now was going to be horrible. I flip on the CD player, and Selena Gomez's Come And Get It came loudly through the speakers. Oh god.. I thought as soon as it came on. This was my sisters favourite song at the moment, which meant she would start singing any moment now. Trina burst in to song. I try my best not to cover my ears, as I know Trina has confidence issues and I don't want to push them so that she feels like she has to do something extreme. When we finally pull into the Hollywood Arts parking lot, it's empty like always. I don't really understand why Trina likes to be 30 minutes early, but there you go. An hour later, I am sat in first period and- Andre's here. I grin at him as he enters the room but he just gives me the same tight lipped smile I gave Trina earlier. There seems an almost distant look in his eyes. Beck starts to try and talk to him but Andre just mutters something and goes and sits in the corner of the room. Hurt flashes through me. Andre always sits next to me. He's my best friend. What's wrong with him? He hasn't replied to our calls or texts for a week, and now he hardly says anything as he walk in. What kind of friend does he think he is? The rest of the lesson, Andre just sits there. And at the end of class he seems to almost run out of the door. I have free period next, so I walk to the front of the room. Sikowitz might know what was wrong with Andre. I watch everyone leave, and then smile at Sikowitz.

"Toro, how may I help?" I chew my lip, not really sure how ask him this. He may not even be aloud to give me this information anyway. It was worth a shot.

"I was wondering if you had any information on where Andre has been the past week?" I look at him hopefully. Sikowitz sighs and looks like he was weighing up his options.

"Well I wouldn't normally tell my students this but since you two are so close... Andre's grandmother passed away last week. He was very close to her and he needed the time away from school. Take it easy on him okay?"

I nod numbly and leave the classroom. Andre's grandmother...dead. He must be crushed. I just couldn't believe it that she was really gone. Poor Andre. Should I tell the gang? On one hand, they have a right to know, but on the other Andre might not want them to know. For the rest of the morning, I tried to come up with a legitimate decision, but by lunchtime I still hadn't come up with anything.

~You're so wrong for leaving when you told me~

Slipping on to the usual table, I see my all my friends laughing faces and know automatically I couldn't say anything. My eyes settle on Andre's usual spot. It was empty. I chew my lip anxiously, where is he? Looking at my friends again, their eyes aren't looking at each other directly, more at Andre's empty seat. When a member of the group is missing, we all feel like the gang isn't right,isn't complete. Every time Beck goes to Canada we feel it, if Jade and Beck are in an argument and Jade sits somewhere else we feel it even if one of us is off ill, we feel it. I feel as if I am in a daze, Jade's eyes are getting more and more annoyed but I don't know why. All I care about is Andre. How he must feel, how his world must have been ripped apart, how-.

"Tori!" Cat giggled, poking me with her giraffe.

"What?" I ask her,smiling falsely at her.

"You've been staring into space the past fucking ten minutes Vega" Jade snaps.

"What's wrong?" Robbie and Cat ask at the same time and then blush, looking at each other. I feel like rolling my eyes, it's so obvious those two like each other.

"I found out what's the matter with Andre" The gang lean in closer as I whisper "His grandma died"

Cat gasps, Jade's hand tightens on Beck's, Robbie's mouth drops open and Beck's eyes flash with understanding. We know all now why Andre was off school, why he wasn't acting normal and why he didn't want to be with any of us. Jade's pale skin seems twice the shade paler than it usually is. Out of all of us, Jade has known Andre the longest. They went to elementary, middle and now high school together. Beck slides an arm around her, as if he knows how she is feeling right now. I guess he does, their relationship is so close.

"I wish he would have told me" Jade whispers. Cat next to her, rests her head on Jade's shoulder.

"I had to get Sikowitz to tell me, I just wish Andre would have told us" I say quietly. The bell rings, signally us to get up and get to class. Sluggishly, we all do. We all are in the same class and are all desperate to get there and see if Andre is there. I get there first, and seeing that virtually everyone is in the class I scan the room. No Andre.

~You would never leave me by myself~

For the rest of the afternoon, Andre doesn't show up. Worry is etched on the gang's faces', as I am sure it is on mine. Finally, the bell rings reminding us that it's time to go home. We all walk out of class together, the rest of the kids laughing while we are silent in our thoughts. Andre, Andre, Andre keeps repeating in my mind.Stopping outside the exit, I have an idea

"Guys what if I go look for him? He probably needs some support right now"

"No shit" Jade spits at me. Jade, I think, is the most worried and that is making her more snappy than usual. Suddenly, Beck's phone starts making a noise. We all look at him expectantly, hoping that it was Andre. He pulls it out his pocket, and quick as a flash open the text. A small smile plays on his face. Jade glances over his shoulder to look at it. A relieved smile lights up her face.

"It's Andre" Jade confirms.

"What did he say?" Robbie asks.

"It says...that Andre went home. That's it. All it says" Beck says shrugging regretfully.

The gang all sigh, but not with relief. Andre hasn't told us anything we don't already know. Running a hand through my ponytail, I feel like crying. I hate feeling helpless, especially when my friends are involved. I know what it's like to loose someone close to you, so why didn't Andre go to me? Because he doesn't know that you lost someone close to you The little voice of reason reminds me. I just need to see Andre, to talk to him. We were so close as friends, and maybe even more than friends. I had always hoped that we would be more than friends, but Andre hadn't really shown any signs of liking me back. I shrug the thought off, my feelings towards Andre wasn't the main issue right now.

"Someone's got to go see him" Cat pipes up.

"But only one person. The whole gang might overwhelm him" Robbie says quietly.

"I'll go" I say, at the same time as Jade. Jade shoots me a death glare.

"I think Tori should go" Robbie mutters. I shoot him a thankful look, and small smile.

"Even though Jade, you are my best friend, I think Tori should go. It's obvious she likes him. You know like likes him" Cat giggles,nudges Robbie's arm and raises her eyebrows as I blush furiously. I though it wasn't obvious! Jade growls, and looks at Beck. All eyes turn to him.

"Jade's my girlfriend, sorry Tori. She should go" He shrugged. Jade smirked. Jade constantly seems to think that I am after her boyfriend. But Beck is strictly as friend. Andre...well I don't know. I snap out of my thoughts when Robbie says

"It's three against two. Tori's going" He informs us.

"Fine Vega. Come on Beck, let's go back to the R.V." Jade smirks cheekily, pulling him closer for a kiss. I roll my eyes, telling Cat and Robbie I'd see them tomorrow. Pushing the doors open, I start walking left. Going to Andre's in a car, would take 5 minutes. On foot, 15 minutes. But at least it wasn't raining. I plug in my headphones, turn the music up loud and start to walk. Passing by the corner shop that me and Trina used to go to as kids, I stop by. I walk to the drink section and pick out Ribena Strawberry. My whole family can't stand the stuff, but I love it. My dad once said that it was like 'liquidized strawberry syrup'. Paying for it and leaving, I make it to Andre's 3 minutes faster than I thought I would. I've been to his house so many times, it's like my second home. Even though, I am really girly, my best friends have always been boys. I don't know why. I get called a lot of names because of that, but I don't care. Standing outside the lime green door, I gather my thoughts. What do you say to someone who's close family member just died? 'I'm sorry' doesn't really work. I never really got why you say 'I'm sorry' to someone who's family member has passed away. It's not like you killed them is it? Oh god, with these rambling thoughts I am starting to sound like Cat. Woman up and knock on that door! I tell myself. Three...two...one. I knock on the door.

~Out in the middle of nowhere~

It seems like years until Andre opens the door, but when probably it was seconds. His face is covered with tears, which he hurriedly wipes away when he see's that it's me. His chocolate brown eyes are so sad that I just want to gather him up in my arms and give him a hug. Which I do. Without saying anything, I just wrap my arms around him and hug him. Andre slowly puts his arms around me and for a moment, we stand there just hugging. I breathe in the familiar Andre smell, his deodorant and chocolate chip cookies, and relax. He's the first to let go, and I follow suit reluctantly. Andre grabs my hand, and laces his fingers through mine tugging me towards the backdoor. Leading me through to the backyard without saying a word, I chew my lip not wanting to break the silence. But then I don't want it to be an awkward silence! What do I do? I start panicking thinking of any topic but his grandmother to talk about Whatever it is don't say anything about the weather! I promise myself. Settling myself down on the garden seat swing, I watch as Andre's little sister, Mia, happily played with her dolls. Mia was only 5, she wouldn't understand how the loss of her Grandmother had affected her brother. I swing my legs back and forth, searching for a conversation topic. I glance up at Andre, he is staring at the ground. I scrunch up my eyes, Why can't I think of anything to say?! I question myself. Being with Andre has never been this awkward before. Taking a deep breath to say something, Andre gets there before me.

"Sorry I ran off earlier, Mia needed someone to pick her up early. She is having some issues at school and I got a call at the end of first period saying she was having a small anxiety attack and I had to go pick her up" He shrugs "So I did"

"I understand..." I give him a small half-smile. "So is she okay?"

"Yeah, some of them kids at school are giving her a rough time because Mia...Well she is an easy target isn't she?" I nod. Mia has an anxiety disorder, her first panic attack happened when she was 3 years old in a shopping mall. She was with Andre, and he being 14 years old, didn't know what to do. He told me that she was breathing weirdly and that she started trembling but sweating at the same time. He then rushed her to the hospital, where they calmed her down and diagnosed her with an anxiety disorder. Going to a public school is risky, but Andre wants her to have a normal life. It must be hard for poor little Mia though, she is absolutely adorable. She has chocolate brown eyes, the curliest blonde hair you've ever seen and a spattering of freckles across her nose. She looks a lot like her mother, where as Andre looks like his dad. Andre and Mia don't look like brother and sister, everyone thinks Mia is adopted but she isn't. Andre and I talk for about half an hour just about school, our friends, sport even the weather, until he brings up the subject I did not want to broach. His Grandmother. After a long debate about whether Cat and Robbie would end up as a couple, Andre looks at me.

"Tori, I know you know about my Grandma. And I think that I am ready to talk about her... I was really close to her"

"I know you were, I know you were" I murmur.

"And, and I was the one who found her dead"

~Now I'm lost trying to make it on my own~

Okay, that I did not expect. My mind was just going Wait what the fuck? What? WHAT? My mind was just blown. Andre couldn't have found his Grandmother dead, it just doesn't add up. My mind was just in a jumble as I stutter out awkwardly

"I-Woah. I'm so sorry" He nods, accepting my commiseration. "How? If you don't mind me asking"

Andre takes a deep breath. "My Grandma has always had mental problems, which you know, but recently she has also had some heart problems. Nothing seemingly serious, but obviously it actually was serious. While I was at school, on Wednesday, my Grandma started having a panic attack. She grabbed an object near her, which happened to be a kitchen knife, and attempted to stab herself. Luckily, she didn't. She had a heart attack before she could. I came in after school and found her lying there, on the kitchen floor" Andre's voice cracks at the end of the sentence, I can hear him holding back the tears. I think about what to say next. I should tell him what happened to my mom, my real mom. But now really isn't the time to bring it up! It would just depress me even more! But then 'Dre, is my best friend and best friends should tell each other everything. I glance back at Mia, sitting there happily playing with her dolls. Everything is so much easier when you are little, well I suppose unless you have an anxiety problem. Not wanting to let Andre think that I have forgotten about him, I reply

"Why hasn't this been on the local news? Or in the newspaper?" He shrugs, then replies his voice hard,

"I didn't want anyone from school knowing. In fact I didn't want anyone knowing but the police and my family. But the police told my parents that they should tell the school, which they did. And then obviously Sikowitz told you, you told the gang and well hopefully the story won't get out. But you know Cat, she can't keep her mouth shut for 10 minutes" He half-smiles. "I remember when me and Cat became friends for the first time, I told her that I had a secret that I would tell her later. In the next hour, Cat had told everyone that I had a secret that I was going to tell her. She doesn't mean harm though does she?" I shake my head. "I don't want anything to change Tori, that's why I didn't tell any of you. Everyone would treat me different, I think. And I don't want that."

"I know what you mean" I say quickly scrunching up my eyes.

"Huh?" Andre asks confused.

"When I was...When I was younger...My umm...My.." I don't know how to put it.

"Come on Tor, you can tell me anything" Andre slides an arm around me.

"Well Holly... She's not my real mom you see" I put my face in my hands. "See me and Trina, we tell everyone that she is because we don't like to talk about our real mom"

"Well why not?" Andre asks quietly.

"Because..Because my mom, Taylor, when I was 13...She starved herself to death. Now I mean she has always battled with anorexia, and we thought it had gone away because she was eating again but then, she couldn't have because when I was 13 she collapsed in my bedroom. We were talking about the school dance that was coming up and the last words she said to me were 'Tori no matter what anyone tells you, you are always ten times better than that'. I don't remember exactly why she said it...But those were her last words." Tears were streaming down my face "When the news got out, my mom became an anorexic bitch who only cared about her weight. But she wasn't Andre, she really wasn't. She had tried to make it go away...But I remember when I was 9, I asked her what her illness meant and she told me it meant that she felt as though she could always be skinnier, always look better. That's when I told her she was beautiful and didn't need to change. She then smiled at me and told me she was trying to get rid of her illness, for the family. My mom always put me and Tree first. Always" I wipe off the tears. "So 'Dre, that's why I understand why you don't want to tell anyone. When they see you, they will just think of the death, not of you really are. Not the amazing person you really are."

"Woah Tori...I'm so so sorry...That must have been a lot for your family to deal with"

"It was, it also didn't help that just a year after my mother's death, my father remarried again. To our next door neighbor. That's why we moved out of Colorado. There were too many comments, too many rumors about the Vega family. And we had to get out of there and make a fresh start. And since Trina had always wanted to be a pop star, we moved to L.A for her to audition for Hollywood Arts. And that's the true story of my family"

~I thought I could never do this alone~

I could see the shock on Andre's face. He had believed all my family's acting/pretending/lying. Whatever you want to call it. It was like I can see the cogs whirring around in his brain. It was a lot to take in, I know. When I first moved here, I had almost slipped up a few times. Nearly calling Holly, Holly and not mom. Almost lashing out at someone who made a joke about anorexia. Different things like that. But I managed to keep up the 'perfect family' image we had never had back in Colorado.

"Are you okay?" I ask Andre. He nods.

"I just can't believe you were able to keep that up that whole image, when every night it must have been destroying you."

"It was. Still is" I agree "But if it meant, no jokes, no comments, no nothing. Then I would keep it up" I say simply.

"I know Tor, I know" Andre slips his hand into mine. "There's something else you don't know about Mia and I. When we were little, I had to take care of her everyday. My mom had look after my grandma and my dad was working. So virtually 12 hours a day I looked after Mia. I did this for 5 years Tori. Mia doesn't just see me as a brother, I'm almost a dad and mom rolled into one to her. My mom can look after her a little better, and truthfully I miss looking after my little sis. But that's why the school called me today instead of my mom because I'm the only one who can calm down Mia. She's getting better though, Mia will be an amazing girl and then woman" He smiles looking over at the little girl playing with her dolls.

"There's something about Trina you should know."

"Really?" Andre looks down at me and I nod.

"Over the last two years she's had some...issues." I start. "Holly would always make these little jibes about her, like how she wasn't a very good singer or that she could have done things better. It started off little but gradually it became more. She would openly insult Trina, my dad would never notice because he was either working or drinking... He has a small alcohol issue, nothing major. So he wouldn't notice. But Holly's comments and the jokes at school, it added up eating away at her confidence. It was killing her from the inside. Yes I know my sister is untalented, yes I know she can be extremely annoying but...Trina is my sister and I love her. She now has very low self-esteem but a professional is helping her. Helping her a lot" I end smiling, realizing how much I really do love my sister. I didn't notice it before but Andre's hand is on my knee and his arm around my shoulder... Maybe he does feel the same way about me after all.

~But now I'm walking by myself~

Me and Andre have been sitting here for a long time...Like a seriously long time. I mean the sun is about to set. Somehow my head has come to rest against Andre's shoulder, we have been silent for a while now just watching Mia play with her dolls. She is blissfully unaware. Focusing a little more on what she is saying I realize that she is playing out a scene that must have happened at her school this morning. I think that she is making one of the dolls have a panic attack. I watch in disbelief as she changes her game by saying "Let's play weddings!" looks at Andre and I, and names one Tori and one Andre and makes them get married. I stifle a smile. I feel a tickling sensation on my face.

"Wait Tori don't move" Andre murmurs.

"What is it?" I say just as quietly.

"There is a fairly large bug on your cheek, I don't want you to freak out okay?" He gently extends his finger and brushes it off. A large black beetle flies off my cheek, but I don't pay any attention to the bug. I just stare into the depths of Andre's eyes. They are beautiful...really they are. And slowly, ever so slowly he bends his head down to meet his lips to mine. I close my eyes and let all my dreams come true.

****8 years later****

I can't believe that today is my wedding day. I am 25 and getting married. I am now officially Tori Harris. We are at my wedding reception right now, and the first song has come on. It's mine and Andre's song, it's Beautiful With You by Halestorm. I just close my eyes, and concentrate on the music and Andre's arms wrapped around me. I think of how blessed I am at the moment. I have a wonderful husband and an amazing daughter. Taylor was born 5 years ago, we named her after my mother and her middle name is Charlotte after Andre's Grandmother. Taylor Charlotte Harris, my beautiful baby girl. She has my Latina complexion, Andre's perfect teeth, our brown eyes and the cutest button nose. Taylor is next to me right now attempting to dance with Beck and Jade's daughter, Jo. Jo is three, and has Jade's pale skin and gray-blue eyes and Beck's long brown hair. Beck and Jade got married 4 years ago, and Cat and Robbie did finally end up together. I can hear Cat's laughter drifting across the room. Her and Robbie announced their engagement earlier this week. All my friends lives have turned out so perfectly. Trina has become a world famous stand-up comedian and gave birth to a little boy called Eddie just this year. And my life has played out so perfectly thanks to that one afternoon in Andre's backyard. I was once lost in the middle of nowhere, but now with Andre I have finally found where I belong.

~Out in the middle of nowhere~