Like A Fool, a Naruto fanfiction
Sometimes, all it takes is sake to put things into perspective.
Disclaimer: I absolutely do not own any part of Naruto.
As she downs her third cup of sake, Sakura realises that she doesn't quite know what to think. She stares at the cup mutedly, wondering when on earth she began drinking sake like this, then she remembers the pain. All the time there is an ache in her chest that hurts so badly she wonders if her heart will just give way and collapse. She feels his absence all the time, like a huge gaping hole in her world that refuses to heal itself back.
It doesn't help, she reminds herself, glancing over at Tsunade muttering to herself drunkenly and taking swig after swig of sake. Sakura distantly remembers that she's not supposed to be drinking but forgets that thought almost immediately. She lets herself slump over the table, and already she feels her arm going numb, but she doesn't care.
She's always been fantasizing about him and what their lives could be, intertwined together. He, always the genius, top of the class, always calm and collected and ready to save her from trouble. She is thankful that they were together in Team 7, she is thankful for the memories together. Some part of her is pathetically glad that she was, at the bare minimum, his teammate for a short period of time. And herself, forever tagging behind him, promising to herself that she would be stronger. And someday, perhaps, they would be together. As equals, because she would be strong enough to shield him and take him back.
Yet she wishes she could be something more to him, someone special, and someone to make a difference. She hates seeing him fall and be enveloped in darkness, turning his back on his friends and his village as if nothing could possibly keep him there.
She hates him a little for that. For leaving her. Yet in a way, she muses, he's never left her. She sees his raven hair in random passersbys although they never do jut out in the same way that his did. She sees those familiar red eyes in Kakashi-sensei, although they are nowhere as intense and brooding as his was. And sometimes she thinks she can see some of him in Naruto, that hot-headed determination and concentrated single-mindedness. And she feels that painful jerk in her chest and the urge to call out his name. But it's never the same. She sees him everywhere she goes, in the crowds, in the shops, in the dark alleys where she wishes that dark shadow or flicker in the corner of her eyes would be something more.
Like a fool, she still misses him.
She sighs deeply and watches the trickle of sake into her cup from upside down, when a thought suddenly occurs to her. She fixates her gaze onto the half-conscious individual slumped over opposite her.
"Shisshou," she says, almost as if she is speaking to herself, and for a long moment of silence she thinks she is, until her sensei mumbles back a word of recognition almost incomprehensibly. Sakura nearly grins at her before she remembers what she wants to say.
"Did you love him?" She is hesitant. Tentative, because she doesn't quite know what to expect. What does she expect?
There is an extensive silence, and Sakura is almost convinced that she has fallen asleep that she jumps a little when Tsunade replies.
There is a heavy sigh, then, "Ah, yes. And I know I still do."
Sakura takes this in and makes a noise to indicate that she's heard. It is so surreal, she thinks to herself. She is sitting in a restaurant with the Fifth Hokage, and downing sake and romantic sorrows as if it were water. She hesitates a little, then decides to ask anyway.
"Does he?"
She feels herself tense in anticipation for the answer, because somehow, she needs to know.
"I don't know," and Tsunade buries her head further into her elbow, her voice coming out muffled. "And I probably never will." With a jolt, Sakura realises, and curses her drunken stupor for causing her to be so blunt, because Jiraiya is gone. She pours herself another cup and feels the bitter taste of sake rush down her throat, and she coughs a little to clear it before slamming the cup back on the table.
He says that she's annoying. And she knows that he means these words when she says them, as much as she wishes for it to be said fondly. She's always been tagging behind him, enthralled by his genius, yet too shy to force herself on him, too weak to stand beside him as an equal. She is always a burden. He has gone somewhere that she can never follow, because she is his complete opposite in every way. As much as she wishes that she can fantasise, his blunt words tear apart her illusions and force her back to reality. Because from the bottom of her heart she knows that his words are spoken truly.
No matter how he hurts her, pierces her with his sharp unfeeling words, like a fool she always returns.
When Tsunade speaks again, her voice is soft, almost uncharacteristically tentative. "Sakura, do you still – "
"Yes."
She reacts so quickly, her voice so unwavering, that for a moment she is surprised herself. Then she chuckles slightly, bitterly, and continues, softer this time, although both statements are truth.
"But I know he doesn't."
She props her head on her arms, waiting for Tsunade to reply.
"Are you sure?"
And in that second, she thinks of that night, that horrible night where he left the village to seek revenge on Itachi. The way she pleaded, the way she confessed. And how, without a flicker, he continued on his quest. And how her heart stops again and again when she thinks of him so close to her and so intense. The way he completely broke her heart by saying her name and thanking her, as if that was all she was worth. The way he threw aside Team 7 as if it was nothing, the way he even battled Naruto all-out, with the intent to kill him. She wonders where he has gone now, and she wonders if he even thinks of her occasionally. It hurts a little, knowing that he doesn't.
So instead of replying Tsunade's question, she sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. "I wish I wasn't. But I'm nothing to him. " The tears treacherously threaten to overflow, and she struggles to compose herself. She will not cry over him. He doesn't need her, so she won't need him either. He is gone, and nothing will bring him back, because even if she lugs back his body with her his heart will never return. When she finally brings herself to this realization after more than several cups of sake, part of her is vaguely relieved, because there is no more anguish. She can stop worrying. She can stop loving him, forget him, and start to learn how to live again. She almost smiles and attempts to stagger up and go home, because she is done with this part of her life, and she can finally put him behind her completely and move on.
It is only fitting that just when she comes to this conclusion that Tsunade overwrites everything, everything by saying -
"Sakura, it's okay."
And even though her shisshou doesn't say it all, Sakura knows. It's okay to think about him all day even though he has never done that and probably never will. It's okay to miss him to the point her heart feels like breaking, even though he doesn't think about her. It is okay to love him, even though he treated her like waste. The mask on her face crumbles, her whole face creases up dramatically in an expression of deep, deep hurt and something in her snaps. Her past delusions about forgetting him is blown past in the rush of emotions. Everything culminates to a climax, and this was Sakura's.
She goes into a full-blown bawl. The tears streak down her cheeks like a never-ending flood, she knows that she looks like a sniveling sobbing mess but she doesn't care, although part of her curses him for making her turn into such a emotional wreck. Then she feels gentle arms briskly encircling her, and she is thankful for Tsunade's presence. She allows herself to fall, to let go, to let all the tears of the past wash away her anguish. She thinks she is crying so much she might actually sob herself dry and laughs bitterly at the ridiculousness of the situation, much to the consternation of Tsunade. But she allows herself to be enveloped in this warm cocoon of sake and her shisshou, leaving behind the anguish and pain of heartbreak, because sometimes, it hurts so much that Sakura finds it hard to breathe.
But like a fool she still loves him, and she thinks, she always will.
A/N: This is my first Naruto fic, hope you enjoyed the rather angsty one-shot! Please read and review to give me feedback, thanks! After uploading it here I just realised how short it is. Nevertheless, have fun reading it!
bellrie.