When it came to reading Kay Shepard, Garrus was one of the best. That was one of the reasons why he was brought onto almost every mission; they were perfectly in sync during a fight, and part of it was his astounding ability to be able to tell what she was going to do next. Commander Shepard, while strong, persuasive, and resilient, was predictable to a Garrus Vakarian.
Or, was predictable. That had all been shot to hell when he'd come up with her favorite bottle of human brandy, only to have the door slammed in his face.
"Er… Commander? Are you all right in there?" Garrus asked nervously, trying to remember if he had done anything particularly offensive in the last 24 hours.
"Commander this, Commander that. Can't you see that I want to be left alone?!"
"All right, Shepard. I'll be in the main battery if you—"
The door slide open and Shepard stormed out, a fury form hell itself. To Garrus' alarm, tears ran down her very red, very angry face. She jabbed a finger into his chest with such force that he almost wobbled a bit.
"I am so sick of you, Vakarian. We slept together, and you still call me Shepard? What's wrong with you—you stupid bird!"
"Bird?" That was all Garrus could say before she had launched herself at him, legs wrapped around his waist and lips attacking his mouth furiously. He knew this was a form of human courtship behavior, due to their previous… encounter, but this was a bit overzealous. Before he had to make the choice between offending Shepard and remaining in this uncomfortable position, she had yanked herself away from him and stormed back into her room. The door locked behind her without another word.
Blinking, Garrus walked back into the elevator unsteadily and punched the button for engineering. Something was really wrong with Shepard, and he wasn't the type of person to sit back and hope everything worked out.
"Er, Tali?"
She made a little noise to show that she was listening, but didn't look up from her spot at the engine. Parts were scattered around her in a puzzle of mechanics.
"I think something is wrong with Shepard. You might want to go check on her." Garrus explained as he awkwardly scratched his neck.
"Oh, keelah…" She muttered as the engine sparked slightly. "I'm a little busy, Garrus. You're her boyfriend. You talk to her."
"I'm not—anyway, I think it's something a bit more… girly than that."
Tali paused. With a sigh, she wiped her gloved hands on a towel and stood up.
"All right. I'll go deal with your girlfriend, since you're obviously too intimidated."
The door to engineering slid shut behind her, and Garrus could hear the snickers of Ken and Gabby.
"What? She can be very scary."
When Garrus had asked Tali to check up on Shepard, he had thought that it would be the end of the issue. This was not to be; even with her mask on, Garrus could practically feel the worry radiating off of her.
"Something is really wrong with her. I'm worried, Garrus."
"All right, it's time to take this to Chakwas." Garrus said with a frown.
The two aliens walked side by side to the med bay, where Chakwas greeted them with a furrowed brow.
"Is something wrong?"
"Yes. Something is wrong with the Commander." Garrus confirmed.
Chakwas checked her omni-tool, and realization lit on her features.
"Yes, I would just leave her alone for the next couple of days. She's in the middle of her menstrual cycle; it's part of the reproduction system for a human female. Nothing to worry about." Chakwas explained before going back into the medbay; she had more important things to tend to than cross-cultural miscommunications.
"Menstrual cycle?" Tali questioned. "Another strange human thing, I suppose."
With a shrug the Quarian mechanic left the turian standing alone at the medbay. Unfortunately, Tali had left too early to notice his rigid form and wide eyes.
"Reproduction?" Garrus said in a strangled voice.
Garrus was in the elevator and in front of Shepard's cabin in record time. He knocked furiously against the door, doing his best not to panic. A shaky 'Come in' issued from inside, and Garrus burst in to see Shepard huddled pitifully on the bed, nursing a steaming cup of tea against her stomach.
Garrus rushed towards her and knelt by her bed. Before she could open her mouth, words came spilling out of his.
"I am so sorry, Shepard; I know how this is such a terrible time for this, with the Reapers and Cerberus and you about to be grounded. Hell, I didn't even know this was possible! But Kay, I will make sure that this baby survives this damn war, and I will do my damned best to make sure it grows up knowing both of its parents."
Shepard blinked in shock.
"Baby?"
"Um... baby?"
"Garrus, I'm not pregnant."
"But Chakwas said that you were on your menstrual cycle."
Shepard's cheeks darkened to a deep magenta hue.
"Garrus, that's what happens when I'm not pregnant."
"Oh. Well, so much for doing things right…"
"Did you mean it?" To his alarm, tears were once again collecting in her eyes.
"Yes, but Shepard, you're not preg—"
Once again, Shepard had launched herself at him, this time huddling her face into his neck. Ignoring the spilled tea, he wrapped his arms around her as she cried.
"I—I'm so s-sorry for calling you a b-bird!" She wailed.
"That's, uh, quite all right Shepard. I wasn't too offended."
"I'm a h-horrible person!"
"Calm down, Shepard! Hey, I'll go get you some chocolate. I read somewhere that humans love chocolate."
Immediately her features brightened as she untangled herself from him. He would never understand humans.
AN: I always wondered if the other alien races had to go through the same hell human women do, so I typed out this little drabble. Thanks for reading! Please Review!