AN: I was bored and wrote my own will. And then my friend noted that it's like something Duo would write, so I altered some of it so that it would be like Duo's will. If he ever had one… This is completely random.. please r/r!
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for this will.
Duo's Will
This is my last testament. If you are reading this, it is most likely that I am dead. Here are my final wishes. Read this at my funeral, so if my wishes aren't carried out, all those mourning can go attack whoever was _supposed _ to carry out my wishes. The dead God of Death hath spoken. All must now obey.
First and foremost, I would like to blame my death on my friends. All those times you tried to kill me and yank off my braid really took off years from my life. I told you, but no one listened. I will repeat it one more time, DON'T TOUCH THE BRAID!! Actually, it's not any of your faults that I'm dead, even if I am dead because one of you thought it'd be funny to shoot me (which would not surprise me). And I bet whoever did that is cursing me for not dodging the bullet, showing that they really don't mean it. So why am I blaming them?? Because everyone needs a scapegoat, and the more the better.
Secondly, I would like to say that it is my deepest regret that I could not attend my funeral. If any of you are crying, there's no need for that. If any of you feel happy in any way, I'll see you in hell after haunting you for eternity. You have been warned.
Arrangements before the funeral….
I want this funeral to be fun. No, not a party, I don't think you should be celebrating the fact that I am dead. So, instead of a preacher, I want my friends and anyone else to just say a few fake, kind words about how great I was and how everyone loved me (ironic eh?) and I got along with everyone. Don't forget to include that you will miss me since I'm dead--if you don't add that, you'll blow your cover… and we wouldn't want that now would we?? And please, no one wear black. That's my color. It would be an insult to the color if you wore it, especially to my funeral. No just kidding, but black is my color and from the instant I die no one else is allowed to wear black. Ok seriously, it's just because I think black is too normal for funerals and the rest of you wearing that color just doesn't work. Everyone must wear something strange and unusual. I don't know what, but use your imagination. Duct-tape suits and dresses, tropical Hawaiian shirts, toilet paper, bridesmaid dresses…. Ok maybe not the toilet paper… But you get the idea. Heero, I think you'd look great in a bridesmaid dress. I think a PINK one would suit you nicely… Ok ok stop saying you'll kill me, I'm already dead, remember?? Have a contest to see who comes up with the most outrageous outfit. You have my permission to shoot anyone who shows up dressing like a whore… Yes, even during the funeral if it deemed necessary.
During and after the funeral…
Now, all of you who were 'made' to come to this funeral raise you hands.., yes you, in the back there trying to hide. Well, I don't blame you, funerals are always so depressing and sad, boring sometimes. I mean, a lot of times you don't even know the person, let alone care if they're dead. People die everyday, not that it's a good thing. I want to say, I'm sorry you have to be listening to some person reading (or maybe I should say droning) on and on about what I wrote… But, you're just going to have to deal with it.
And if you are looking at my body in a coffin, I would like to ask, Why am I in a freakin' coffin?? I'm sure you guys like the thought of me being chewed up by bugs for eternity, but I think you should show SOME compassion. It's called cremation. If I'm still in one piece and not millions of pieces of dust, stop this funeral right now and go burn me. Yes, right now. Everybody get off your lazy butts and go cremate me and then continue reading this redundant piece of paper.
By now, I should be in ashes. Good. Now send a few grains of my ashes to every colony. Just send it to a random person and tell them to leave my ashes somewhere nice. Of course, they will most likely toss me in a sewer or city-dump, but I'm sure some of you can make up a sad moving story to keep them from doing that. Go on, impress me with your awesome writing skills. I want to be buried on the top of a hill anywhere on earth… somewhere nice. And on my grave I want carved, 'I am invincible!!.. wait…no… I seem to be dead…-God of Death (date)'. That ought to amuse some punk grave-digging kid.
Oh and the part everyone's waiting for, giving away my stuff. I hereby bestow all my weapons to my trigger-happy friends!! Have fun guys!! Try not to blow anything up or try to kill each other if you can help it, okay? We want to try and maintain the whole peace thing, so as much as your trigger-finger may twitch… you must stop yourself. All that training in self-control must go into use. Everything else doesn't matter as much to me, I'll leave it to my fellow pilots to decide who gets what.
Well that's all there is to it. Just a few easy last requests. Well, hope you enjoyed that and have fun doing whatever it is you're planning to do after you leave this place. And when you do, I want you all to feel the guilt because your doing something I can never do anymore. No, I'm just messing with you. I always thought that if I died, I'd go with a bang, or at least have an awesome funeral. So if you didn't do what I wanted you to do, feel forever guilty. I hope I died in some unusual fun way. Once again, I wish I could attend this funeral, but I don't think that's possible… I never wrote this because I was suicidal, (unlike some people I know) but there was always a possibility and I didn't want some cheesy normal funeral in the rare case that I would die. Because I _am_ invincible… well I guess that's not true if you're reading this to a bunch of people who are dressed like something that came out of a bad horror movie…
Signed,
Duo Maxwell
The now dead 'God of Death'
Quatre finished reading the paper and looked at Duo, not sure on how he was supposed to react. "Ano… It is legal to write your own will as long as there are two witnesses that see you sign it… But you make it sound like no one likes you and want to kill you."
Duo leaned back onto his chair, "I know you guys don't. But I have to have something right? Just for laughs." Duo handed Quatre a pen. "Just sign it okay?" Quatre signed the paper and gave the pen to Trowa, who also signed it. "There." Duo rolled up the paper and stuck it in the drawer.
"Are you sure that part about Heero dressing up in a bridesmaid dress will make him feel any better?" Trowa asked.
"Yeah I know, but Hee-chan can take a joke… I hope." Trowa gave Duo a sideways glance. "Duo, it's pink."
Duo smiled and nodded at the two, who both shook their heads at the braided pilot. Some things just never change, even after death.