DISCLAIMER: If Alias was mine, Sydney and Vaughn would be on a beach in Tahiti. And I'm sure they'd be grateful. The song 'Deception' isn't mine, but if you recognize the lyrics, you're also a closet JEM fan. Good for you!
Author prologue: Everyone thinks Laura Bristow, AKA Irina Derevko is a really cold person. But what's her side? PG-13 because this is really serious and kind of depressing. A little spoiled, so be warned if you haven't seen the last 3 eps.
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*Deception*
It didn't start out this way. It was supposed to be just another mission.
*How long must I continue this deception?
This masquerade?*
Identify, infiltrate, eliminate. That was what I did. It was what I was trained for, what I was good at. Then they gave me him. It was supposed to be simple. Get under his skin, learn what he knew, and get rid of him. I could do the girlfriend thing. I had done the girlfriend thing. So what went wrong here?
*Deception*
We "met" at the movie theater. It was so clumsy of me, spilling my popcorn like that. I was so charmingly embarrassed, tripping over my own apology. He shrugged it off and smiled. Up until that point, I knew what I was doing. I was the shy, cheerful college English student, with a penchant for rainy days and foreign books. A role I'd played before. Easy, simple. And then he smiled, and easy and simple flew out the window.
*My life seems like it's nothing but deception,
A big charade*
Oh, sure. I remembered the mission. Gather all data on double agent Bristow, Jonathan Donahue, and the organization SD-6. I had read the file, seen the pictures. But the file didn't tell me how he loved Humphrey Bogart movies, or how he told bad jokes to make a person feel better when they were upset. The photos didn't show me how his eyes crinkled when he laughed, or how his smile could light up the room. It didn't tell me any of that. It told me to establish a cover, to get his knowledge. So I did. I was good at following orders.
It lasted for six months. Dating, snooping, taking all the information I could get my hands on to my superiors. And hating myself a little bit more every day. When he proposed, I panicked. I knew what this meant. The game was over, the jig was up. He had just signed his own death warrant. And for the first time in my life, I was scared. I told him no, made up some ridiculous story, cursing myself the whole time. I knew why I was scared. I'd broken my own rules. You don't trust your hit marks. And you never fall in love. I had done both. And now I had to kill him. And I couldn't do it.
The truth is, I wanted to marry him. I wanted the house, and the picket fence and the dog. It had started out as a mission, and a lie. I didn't want to lie anymore. And now I didn't have a choice.
*I never meant to lie to you
I swear it
I never meant to play those games*
So I left him. I convinced my handlers that he wasn't worth the time it would take to kill. There's a reason I work undercover ops. I'm a great liar.
I thought that would have been the end of it. I tried to forget about him, tried to go back to what was normal. But he wouldn't let me. He called me, sent flowers. Every day it was something new, a different way to get my attention. And every day my heart melted a little more.
None of this went unnoticed by my superiors. And by the time I realized that, it was too late. They were convinced there was more for us to learn. To them, his persistent love of an illusion wasn't a cherished emotion, but a tool to be ruthlessly exploited. So they did just that. Or rather, I did just that.
I went to him, full of apologies, tender kisses, and tears too hot to be fake. I begged him to hold me, and to ask me again. When he agreed, my heart shattered. The truth beneath my web of lies had become a mixed blessing, and the pain outweighed the pleasure. On September 29th, I married the only man I'd ever love. And as he slept beside me that night, I cried myself to sleep with a sorrow he would never know of.
*At times I want to cry to you
'Cause I can't bear it
But I fear our love will end in flames*
But I followed my orders. Dutifully, blindly. Every night when he went to sleep, I didn't. While he slept, I scrounged through his briefcase. I rummaged through documents and photographs, searching for anything that would keep my superiors off my back and out of my perfect, miserable life. I lived each day in an equal mix of sheer bliss and utter despair. It would have been enough for me to live like that, loving him and hating myself. But then things changed. I was pregnant. And my carefully constructed little world was about to come crashing down around me.
*Deception
I pray that you'll forgive all this deception
This masquerade*
My superiors were outraged. This was a massive breach of protocol. They had given me enough leeway, they said. Marriage had kept me away from the Agency too long as is. I was their best agent, and I was not to be tied to a child for another eighteen years just to have a cover. I was terrified of losing what little peace I had found, and fought tooth and nail to stay with Jack and my unborn child. But it wasn't enough. The Agency had waited four years for me to come home. Their patience had run out. Desperate for an escape, I struck a bargain and sold my soul. In April of 1974, my Sydney was born. And the clock started ticking.
They gave me six years. Six years to love my husband, and watch my beloved child grow. But those years held a terrible price. I was no longer instructed to gather information. The price for my peaceful life was the blood of CIA agents. To keep my false life, I became the KGB's top hit woman. I killed men and women, colleagues of my husband, and lived on borrowed time. But I had Jack, and I had Sydney, and that was all that mattered.
*Deception
It's time to put an end to this deception
But I'm afraid*
But I didn't have them forever. I watched Sydney grow more beautiful each day, and Jack more handsome. I loved unconditionally, and was loved so in return. It was the happiest time in my life. But nothing good lasts forever. My six years flew by too quickly, and then my time was up. Two months after Sydney's six birthday, I was called home. There were no outs, no bargains. And no escape. On my last day in heaven, I took Sydney out of school, and convinced Jack to take the day off. We went to the zoo, had a picnic in the park. I held both of them as the sun set, and memorized everything about them. And when Jack and I made love that night, it was with a feeling of urgency, of passion and despair.
That morning, I got up as usual. I made breakfast, and kissed my husband goodbye with quiet finality. I drove Sydney to school through a cold, gray drizzle. I hugged her, breathing in the scent of talcum powder and little girl. I kissed her head, reveling in the simple joy of holding her. Finally I let go. She got out of the car and ran to her friends with her 'I love you , Mommy' ringing in my ears, and the tears I'd held back all morning broke free. I drove blindly to the meeting with my contact. I blamed my tears on the rain, and drove off a bridge with my whole world broken. Back in Russia, that last place I ever wanted to be again, they told me Jack had found out my secret life. And my last hope shattered.
*When the whole thing is at an end
And you learn that it's just pretend
You'll cry deception*
I worked mindlessly, trying to forget a life I could never go back to. I stopped going on missions, immersing myself in paperwork. One day blurred into another, and I willingly lost myself into the redundancy. I would have been satisfied, if not happy, to have lived the rest of my days in that monotonous cycle. Then I stumbled upon the works of Milo Rambaldi.
The more I found out, the more I needed to know. His findings became an obsession to me. I was fascinated with this person who knew me before I existed. His work took me out of myself, away from the pain and loss of Laura Bristow. When I realized what his inventions were capable of, I knew what I had to do. If I could get my hands on that kind of power, no one could hurt me again. Not the KGB, and not Jack Bristow. So I climbed my way through the ranks, and realized that in Russia, no woman could do what I was planning to do. So I adopted the moniker "The Man", and worked through Alexander Khasinau, my former superior. It was another lie, and another false life. I was almost starting to get used to it. Then I found out about Sydney.
*Deception
I pray that you'll forgive all this deception
This masquerade*
My Sydney. Grown up and fighting for her beliefs. I was so proud, and so devastatingly heartbroken. I should have been there to watch her grow, to live those years together, just me, her, and Jack. But it hadn't worked out then. Now, though, my daughter and I could have some of that life together. Surely she would see the opportunities of power. So I waited, collecting the information I needed to finish Rambaldi's inventions. I plotted and schemed, laying the bait to bring back my daughter.
*Deception
It's time to put an end to this deception
But I'm afraid*
So now I sit here and wait, reliving the twists and turns that brought me to a humid, empty warehouse. Sydney did everything I thought she would do, right up to destroying the Circumference. Silly girl -- she has no idea what's really going on. Neither does her little accomplice my men fished out of the hallway. The Circumference isn't important. It's just another lie, another deception.
*When the whole thing is at an end
And you learn that it's just pretend
You'll cry deception*
I've waited almost thirty years for this.....
Deception....
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow. From love to insanity. Or something very close to it. Strangely enough, it makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Laura/Irina couldn't have been ALL bad because Jack is just not that stupid. So when I got to thinking about that, I got to typing out this. The song 'Deception' is from the old cartoon JEM. Go to Jem's Starlight Jukebox and download it. It kicks butt. Then download some different songs. For a cartoon, they're pretty good.
Ryan - if you read this, Syd's diary has stalled. I will get it to you, but I just don't know when. It's just as angsty as the last couple fics of mine, and angst makes my brain hurt. You will get it though -- eventually.
I have a cute, shippy action fic planned out to break my drama queen POV streak I've been on. Drop a line if you want to see because feedback is my God.