Just a tiny little ditty, and partly wishful thinking. John faces a big truth.
Redemption
I have done enough of punishing myself.
John Bates stared at the page, then at his shaking hand. He had truly written those words - truly believed them. He hadn't thought it could ever be possible, could ever be right, for him to be done with paying for his sins. A religious upbringing had always pressed him more on the failure of man; and his father, a good, well-meaning but ultimately misguided man had rather emphasised his personal shortcomings to a young and impressionable John. Thank God for Anna.
Any man's doctrine said he was a sinner and his life littered with mistakes. And John couldn't deny his mistakes multiplied with every day, but he would get no redemption from administering his own punishment. He'd leave the task of judgement to the Almighty and try for this joy and peace that one always read about.
And where might he seek joy and peace but with Anna?
This was the true power of those words he'd written. Because he was writing them to her. John could just see the smile that would pour across her face when she saw them. The way she would crush it at once, and read the words fifty times over before she dared believe he had truly meant it. The way that same smile would creep up on her lips, and remain until he covered them up with his own-
No, that wasn't to be. Not yet. He had to be out of this godforsaken hole first. To see that smile he would do anything. And first on the list was to be free.
He needed to see his lawyer.