Jean stood in the middle of Lucien's bedroom and looked around. The rest of the house was so warm and inviting, and somehow Lucien's room was always gloomy. Even with the curtains open there was never enough light. Jean wondered what could be done to brighten the room up but immediately pushed the thought from her mind. That seemed like an unthinkable topic now. Jean set about the task at hand, stripping the bed and changing the sheets. She stopped before pulling down the blanket to admire Blake's handiwork; crisp corners, carefully smoothed top, better than even she could do. Lucien was messy and often lazy, but he always made his bed to perfection, a remnant no doubt of his military days. Jean smiled a little as she pulled back the black covers, briefly noting that it probably contributed to the room's unfortunate pallor. She set the covers carefully on a chair and set to work removing the sheets from the bed and remaking it with fresh ones. She grabbed a pillow, fluffing it absentmindedly before she pulled the pillow case off. Her fingers slid between the cover and the pillow but stopped there, and she found herself clutching the pillow close to her chest. Jean sat down on the edge of the unmade bed, lost in thought. Her head lowered, she took a deep breath. It smelled just like Lucien.
When Jean had returned from Adelaide they had been so close to each other. There was a physical element to their relationship that they had never had before. It wasn't just hugs and kisses, though she enjoyed that. Jean was no longer afraid to be too near him in a room, no longer concerned that she might let slip a word or gesture that would betray how she felt about him. Jean could show him that she cared without fear of consequences. She recalled the night that they fell asleep on the couch, her head on his chest. She remembered the warmth of his arms, the way his beard tickled her forehead as he kissed her, and how comforting his scent was. It smelled like soap, the slightest hint of sweat, and something undefinable that only belonged to him. Having long since forgotten whatever task they were supposed to be discussing Jean had drifted off, feeling safer and more relaxed than she had in years. They had awoken in the middle of the night, disoriented and giddy. They walked down the hallway hand in hand and when Jean left Lucien at his bedroom door Lucien had tried to pull her in with him into the darkness. Jean had almost let him. Almost.
The pillow she was holding now contained a faint echo of the same smell and she found it intoxicating. She missed him. She missed them. Since Mei Lin left they had been in limbo, not engaged, not a couple, not really apart. She knew she aught to leave but could not bring herself to be parted from him. At the same time she could not contemplate an adulterous relationship, no matter how much she loved him. So they moved carefully about the house, trying to act as if everything were normal, with nothing and everything between them. Jean pulled the pillow closer to her chest. She considered taking the pillow case to her bedroom after she made the bed so she could have a piece of him to keep with her. No one would notice it was missing, and maybe in the dead of night it would feel like he was close to her.
Jean sighed and stood up, reluctantly relinquishing her treasure. No one's bed was going to get made at this pace. It was only then that she became aware of Lucien standing in the doorway, watching her. His face was a mixture of sadness and pity. When he spoke his voice was quiet, almost a whisper.
"You know Jean, you're welcome here any time for any reason. I won't ask any questions and I won't..." He hesitated and gestured in the direction of the bed. "Expect anything."
Jean knew she should be mad but understood he wasn't making a lewd proposition. He was offering comfort and his love. Even now he was devoting himself to her. Jean wished with all her heart that she could accept. Jean nodded faintly and attempted a weak smile, but could not bring herself to engage with him any further on the subject. Head down she walked out of the room, allowing herself to brush his hand on the way past.