Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters therein.
Summary: Remus yet has to come to terms with the fact that James, Lily (and supposedly Peter as well) are dead and Sirius in Azkaban as a traitor.
Reluctant Survivor
Slowly the small silver knife presses itself on the boy's thigh until the first drops of blood are visible. Then a few centimetres up the leg. And up. Five clean cuts that are bleeding, hurting him, reminding him of his existence. The boy with the brown hair, brown eyes and the knife in his hand is no novice to scars and blood. Once a month he inflicts wounds upon himself because he is frustrated he can't get hold of any prey. The other times are to remind him that he is still alive. Though he wonders why he cares to be reminded. Wouldn't it be preferable simply not to feel? Another cut. No, he smiles to himself bitterly, even in the nightmare that is his life he needs to feel, at least feel something other than the pain within. It is almost a relief for him to see his inner pain reflected in the wounds on his body. There is something to take care of, something visible that can be treated unlike the pain in his soul.
Yes, his soul has at least as many scars as his body. The only difference is that not all of the scars on his soul are self-inflicted. Or perhaps they are, for he continuously blames himself for what happened. If things had been different, if he had done this and not that, had said this and not that…
Going over past events is his favourite pastime. Always has been, history has always fascinated him. But this, of course, is different even though it is history. Another cut, this time on his stomach. Sweet pain. But he denies himself to relinquish it too much. The knife both punishes and relieves him, but never too much relief. No, he needs to be punished, he thinks. That is why he had the knife to his throat so many times and never allowed himself to take that final step.
In his own twisted logic he is the only one left to suffer for what has happened, and so he complies. Who else could be blamed if not the only survivor? Although Sirius is still alive, he is dead. Dead for the world, for him, shut up in Azkaban, in another nightmare. All others are dead. Lily and James, and Peter. But he, he remains. Only alive because he couldn't be trusted, left behind to mourn and live on. To him, this is the worst of all punishments – remaining behind whole and almost unscathed, and alone.
A/N: This is a small drabble I wrote when I had some time to kill. I swear I don't know where those topics are coming from. Again I'm happy about every review :)