A very dark fic. Tala's thoughts as Kai says sorry for leaving.

You're looking up at me with tears in your eyes. You say you're sorry. That you've changed. Well I'm sorry, Kai, but I don't believe you. You've left me too many times now. "But Tala, I had no choice!" Yeah right. You had plenty of choice. You chose to leave me, again and again, break my heart every single time and then promise me it would be different.

You don't actually know I'm in love with you, you just think of me as a friend, but even if I WAS only your friend you still abandoned me, you still ran off to satisfy your own desires, leaving everyone in the lurch, not knowing if you were ever back for real.

It's not fair of you to ask me to forgive you. Because deep down I know I can't. Just looking at you hurts. You're like an angel, you're so beautiful, but inside you're a demon, a horrible little dybbuk sent from hell. What else could you be when you toture me this way? When you hardly bat an eyelid as you leave me crying, when you tread all over my dreams in an effort to pursue your own?

That's not friendship, Kai. That's exploitation. That's abuse. And I took abuse for you as well as from you, always said that you were alright, never let Bryan and Spencer slag you off like they wanted to. I defended your reputation, Kai, and you spat at my feet and handed my heart back to me a charred husk of what it was.

I had passion, Kai, I had a fire burning in my heart for you, and then you left. You left, and the fire spiralled into a lance of pain, and I couldn't bear it. I slept with people, so many people, but it was worthless. They weren't you. Bryan told me I was a whore. And I was. A whore for whatever you desired. I would have let you use me in any way you wanted, but you just upped sticks and left, just like that. As if nothing mattered. As if -I- didn't matter.

I couldn't stand it. And now, when I look at you, all that pain I suffered comes rushing back. I want to hold you close and tell you I forgive you, but I couldn't stay with you if every time I look at you I hate you. And that's what I do, Kai; I hate you. I hate you for treating me the way you have, hate you for never noticing how much I loved you, and I hate you for being the selfish little brat that you are.

I still love you. But it's a painful love. It hurts. "No. I can't forgive you Kai. Just go." The words are out and you look gobsmacked. Did you expect me to roll over and smile as you broke my heart again? I don't think so.

"Tala..."

"Go." Your lip quivers. Good. Maybe now you can understand how I felt when you left me. Suddenly the love is fading, replaced with bitterness. You'll probably just move on to some other unsuspecting bastard and ruin their life too. What you don't understand, Kai, is that even though you're a self-obsessed, surly little shit you draw people to you. Like moths to a light, they come closer and die. So goodbye, have a horrible life, and I never want to see you again.

"Tala...why..."

"Why can't I forgive you?" How can you not understand? Bitterness turns to hatred. "Because I hate you." You recoil, shocked at my words, but I don't care. I think I stopped caring the moment you looked into my eyes again and begged me to forgive you. Beg away. You can't penetrate solid stone with empty promises, and stone is all I've got left as a heart, thanks to you. Oh you're crying now, crying just like I did. Well keep crying. I hope I make you suffer.

"Get out of my room. Get out of this house. Get out of my -life-." I hiss. "Go and find someone else to walk out on!" You crumple, turning away and walking to the door.

"I'm sorry Tala..."

"I don't care. There are some things sorry can't make up for. Now get out."

And you're gone. I turn to the window and watch you walk across the road. I start laughing. Go on Kai. Go and unleash yourself on someone else. Go and cry on their shoulder, add me to the chain of sorrows in your life, and I'll add you to mine. You bastard. I find myself hoping you get run over by a truck. I hope you get a disease and -die-. I hate you so much it's overpowering.

I never used to hate anyone until I started hating you just then. Because you ripped me apart, Kai. You ripped me apart and you made me cry. I never want to see you again. Ever.

fin