Long Ago and Far Away
Chapter 1
Disclaimers: I do not own any of the JAG characters. I do not own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
Spoilers: Any JAG episode is fair game; however this story is so AU you couldn't find it with the Starship Enterprise. (Smile)
A/N: This story has been tormenting me since Hail and Farewell, this story is 'out there,' and it is not meant to be anything other than a distraction for those of us who love Harm and Mac. Hopefully this will be a comfort to our poor and broken shipper hearts.
A/N: This chapter has been brushed up me and beta ed by Aerogirl, bless her heart.
A/N: This story is set before season one and after the ramp strike that killed Harm's RIO. Mac was a law student at Duke.
2345
Friday
September 24, 1991
Nags Head Bar and Grille
Nags Head, North Carolina
Lieutenant Harmon Rabb Jr. sat down at the bar; he had already had too much to drink. He should have gone back to his room but he couldn't stand the thought of closing himself off in a room alone. The thoughts in his head were too loud. He had driven down here alone; he wanted to get as far away from the Navy as he could get. He didn't want to see anyone he knew or anyone who knew about the ramp strike. The dinner crowd was gone and now it was only the bar that was open to the public.
'Thank God,' he thought. He just wanted to keep drinking till he didn't feel anything any more. He had faced a board of inquiry today, and had walked away nearly unscathed. He would never fly again, but he was alive and he still had a chance for a career in the Navy. Mace was dead and he was alive.
Mace had been happily married and had a child on the way. He had it all and now he was dead. He heard the members of the board say that it was an unavoidable accident, but he could not shake the feeling of responsibility. He had healed physically; he had gone to his grandmother's farm to rest and re-evaluate his life. He knew he wanted a career in the Navy but it would be as far away from a carrier as he could get.
He had decided on law school, which he would begin in January next year. Diane had come to see him while he was recuperating –he had been so glad to see her, but as usual he couldn't express it. He had been so ashamed of what had happened that he had pushed her away, literally. She'd seemed frightened of him after that. She kept looking at him as if she expected him to explode at any moment. He had been almost relieved when she left. Now he missed her and needed her more than he ever thought he would.
He didn't know what to call how he was feeling, except that he was lonely and emotionally exhausted. He felt as though he was on the edge of a precipice, and one shift in the wrong direction would cause him to drop off into oblivion. He wanted to lose himself in something or someone and hang on until this emptiness he felt passed.
Across the bar sat Sarah Mackenzie, first year law student and Marine. She had agreed to accompany her roommate here for a weekend away from school. Their first weeks had been nearly unbearable. Professor Juanita Ressler had made it her business to make Sarah Mackenzie's life a living hell. She was beginning to doubt any good thing she had ever believed about herself.
She felt lost among all the students there; she felt awkward and totally out of place. The Marine Corps had been her home, and she could take comfort in the discipline and structure of the life. Duke was another matter. She knew she was smart, she had plenty of physical courage, but the barbs from Professor Ressler had hit her in her most vulnerable spot. The professor had suggested that she try lap dancing. She had echoed everything her father and her soon-to-be ex-husband Chris had ever made her believe about herself.
To top it all off, she had fallen down the steps on the way out of the law library yesterday and sprained her ankle. The doctor at the infirmary told her she would be fine if she stayed off of it this weekend. Still, the mishap made her feel clumsier and more out of place than ever. She turned on the stool and propped up her ankle that was beginning to throb.
She was hanging on to her resolve by a thread. It would be so easy to have a drink; she could just say 'vodka on the rocks.' She could forget everything for a while and just sleep. Her new life had frightened her in a way she'd never expected. She was afraid to fail, afraid to accomplish anything less than a law degree. She saw no way back to the life she had before. Law school was the key to everything she needed to leave her past behind her.
She was startled by a sharp pain in her ankle. She had taken some pain medicine that the doctor had prescribed about two hours ago, but it didn't seem to be working. She didn't want to take anything unless she had to, but her ankle was really hurting. She couldn't go lie down because her roommate was in their room and she wasn't alone. Angela had met someone the first hour they were here and had left Mac to her own devices.
She had walked around entirely too much and now she was paying for it. She wouldn't have a drink now, but she was taking something for this stupid ankle – hell, she was going to take two of those damn pain pills. She picked up her glass of tonic water and lime and took them both in one swallow.
She should have been mad at Angela, but she didn't really blame her. The guy was really great looking and he did seem nice. Angela had been having nearly as hard of a time as she had been; at least she was having a good time tonight. Mac was lonely but she didn't want just anyone. Given her track record lately, men were completely out of the question. Still, she wanted someone, someone like her.
She thought for a moment, and asked herself: What would he have to be like? He would have to be handsome, but not too handsome, she smiled to herself. He would have to be military to understand her life and her goals. He should be ambitious and strong with just enough mystery to keep him interesting. She chuckled to herself: she didn't want much…did she?
Her head was starting to feel heavy and without a thought she put her head down on her folded arms. She fell asleep immediately.
Approximately one hour later…
Harm lost track of how many drinks he'd had. He didn't care – he was almost numb. The emptiness was still there, though, making him feel hollow, lost and dead inside. He was aware of a voice, a gruff male voice. Harm looked up to see where the voice had come from.
"Hey, you can't sleep here, lady. Go back to your room and sleep it off. Did you hear me?" The bartender was trying to shake someone awake across the bar. He stepped aside, and the young woman looked up, frightened – and Harm's heart nearly burst in his chest.
"Diane?" He said her name just loud enough for the bartender to hear.
"Do you know this lady?" He walked over to him. "She can't stay here if she is going to sleep like that."
Harm got up from the bar stool. He was slightly shaky on his feet but he did not stagger. He walked around to her side of the bar, staring in disbelief. Diane was supposed to be on a Med cruise halfway around the world.
Mac looked at the man walking toward her; he seemed to recognize her. She did not recognize him. She still felt very groggy from the medicine she had taken. She blinked and shook her head slightly, trying to clear it.
'Big mistake,' she thought as she nearly fell off of the stool. In an instant the man was at her side. He caught her by her arms and turned her around and looked into her face.
She tried to return his look, trying to figure out who this guy was. He didn't look like anyone she had ever met, and so she drew back from him. He had been just inches from her face. "My name is …"
"Diane." She was here; that was her voice. He pulled her off of the barstool and into his arms. He pressed her to him and kissed her deeply.
'What had he said?' Mac was in shock at first, but the passion of his kiss and the effects of her medicine left her with little defenses and wide open to her needs. This was crazy – she had barely seen him, but she didn't want him to let her go. She gave in to the kiss with everything she had. This wasn't just lust – this man needed her, she could feel it. She wished she were the woman he thought she was…whatever her name was.
He reluctantly pulled back from the kiss and felt her stroke her fingers across his cheek. "Please, I…" He just wanted to lose himself in her. She had never kissed him that way before. Diane had always kept a part of herself closed off from him, even when she kissed him. Now she seemed to be completely open to him. He felt the touch of her fingers all the way down his spine.
"…My name is Sarah, Sarah M…"
He would not let her finish. He hadn't even heard her. He took her mouth again as though he were trying to prove to her that she was who he thought she was.
The bartender had had enough of this scene. "Hey… knock it off or take it outside."
Mac broke the kiss and tried again to tell him. "My name is …"
"Stop it." Harm was getting cross now; he needed her, and he couldn't play games now. How could she be acting this way? She had to know how he felt, today of all days.
Mac tried to walk away from the bar, away from the man who had been yelling at her, yelling at them. Harm pulled her back into his arms. "Don't leave me."
Mac looked back at him, trying to stay steady on her feet and get a clear look at him. He kissed her again, causing the few rational thoughts she had left in her head to leave her. He kissed her hungrily as though he had been waiting for her forever.
God… this was insane and unbelievably wonderful. She didn't even know this man, and in her present state of mind she didn't even know if she would remember him tomorrow. What she did know was that his intensity and touch thrilled and soothed her soul at the same time. He backed her away from the bar and onto the dance floor.
He broke the kiss and said into her ear, "Dance with me, baby." His voice was deep and thick with desire. The possessiveness with which he held her was both frightening and completely mesmerizing.
Mac started to pull away and he drew her back to him. "Please."
She knew she should stop this, but the way he was making her feel was intoxicating – it drew her like nothing she had ever felt before. She felt nearly powerless to stop it. It was just a dance, and then she would finally convince him that she was Sarah Mackenzie and then everything would be clearer. She slipped her arms around his neck and let him pull her body up and into him.
Harm was breathing her in. "Ah…yeah, don't let go." The emptiness he felt clawing at his soul was beginning to leave him. He pressed her body to his until they seemed to be touching from head to toe.
"I won't," she whispered. Her voice sounded small even to her. His body was overpowering and yet soothing. His touch was urgent, pulling her in closer, starting low at her back and stopping at the base of her spine. She couldn't imagine at that moment why anyone would ever want to let him go. He felt perfect holding her in his arms. God… this was heaven, she needed this too, more than she had realized.
The bartender watched for a moment and then turned away. He bellowed, "We close up in 15 minutes."
A waitress stood just outside the bar, looking at the couple. To her mind they were very obviously in love. "Aw come on, Charlie, give them a break – weren't you ever in love?"
"In love? Ha!" Charlie was definitely not a romantic.
The waitress walked over to the jukebox and put in just enough money for one song. The waitress spied just the song for the couple on the dance floor. She knew love when she saw it. This was definitely a night for Percy Sledge, 'When a Man Loves a Woman.'
As their bodies moved to the music, Harm was doing what he had longed to do all day, losing himself completely. He could feel her heart beat against his chest, her breath on his neck as she tucked her head under his chin. Her body was soft and round in all the right places. He knew where they were heading and he hoped – God help him, he even prayed – that he would not end this night alone.
She drew away slightly. Without thinking of the affects her action might have on him, she placed a soft kiss on his neck just below his ear. He drew in his breath sharply and turned his head toward her, feeling as though he would drop to the floor if she did that again.
"Let's get out of here," he whispered low in her ear.
They started toward the door, and as they reached it the waitress called, "Oh, hey…you forgot this." She held up Mac's purse. They both turned to look, and Mac took it, mumbling a thank you as Harm pulled her out of the door.
He pulled her past the windows of the bar around the side of the building. He pressed her up against it and took her mouth in the neediest and sensuous kiss she had ever experienced. "Please, baby...stay with me. I need you tonight," he spoke into her ear. The raw emotion in his voice was nearly tearing her heart out.
She knew this was insane; she didn't even know this guy, but she also knew she was going with him where ever he was going tonight. She nodded slightly in the affirmative.
"Baby…" He pulled her further up into his arms and kissed her, turning her and walking back toward his hotel which was thankfully connected to the bar. They barely broke their kisses between the bar and his hotel room. They laughed when Harm didn't remember his room number, until Harm took his key from his pocket and they found the room quickly. They were inside in what seemed like seconds.
They had still been laughing when they got inside the door, but the laughter died when Harm lifted her into his embrace. His kisses in the bar and outside had been urgent and all-consuming; now they were tender and exploring. He was trying to find out what she liked, what made her make that sound at the back of her throat that made him want to devour her.
Mac's body did not feel like it was her own. She felt as though she were an instrument that he was playing and she was doing and feeling things she had never experienced before. She didn't care anymore who he thought she was – she was selfish enough tonight to take everything he was giving.
Their mutual release was both earth-shattering and tender. They lay back in each other's arms and feel asleep immediately, content.
0545
Saturday
September 25, 1991
Nags Head Inn
Nags Head, North Carolina
Mac sensed the light in the room and opened her eyes. Through her sleepy haze she was able to discern a broad and muscular back. She sighed, thinking about how much she loved to see the play of muscle on a strong man's back. She reached out to touch him and then she stopped when it occurred to her; she had no idea where she was, or who, for that matter, was lying in bed next to her.
'What have I done?' She couldn't believe she had been stupid enough to let herself do this. Maybe Juanita Ressler was right; maybe lap dancing was all she was good for.
She slid slowly out of bed, trying to be quiet, hoping to slip out unnoticed. She couldn't believe she had done this. She quietly slipped into her clothes and gingerly picked up her purse. She looked at the man lying on his side with his back to her. She could not face him – what if he didn't remember her either? She sure wasn't going to hang around for introductions after breakfast.
She slipped out the door.
Harm slept on until the phone beside his bed rang. He picked it up. "Hello?"
"Harm?" It was Diane.
"Where are you?" He wanted her to come back, so they could pick up where they left off last night.
"What do you mean, 'where am I?' I'm in the Med, silly – we just got into Naples."
"What?" Harm sat up quickly and turned to look at the other side of the bed. He had not dreamed last night, it had happened. He truly believed he had brought Diane to his hotel room last night. If it hadn't been her, then who the hell had it been? He talked with Diane for about 10 minutes, filling her in on the details of his board of inquiry yesterday. She was kind and encouraging but still seemed more disconnected from him than she was before his ramp strike.
He stood and walked to the window and looked out. There was no one around outside. It was still early Saturday morning. As he dressed he noticed something glittering on the blankets of his bed. He took a closer look and saw a necklace with a small red stone. He picked it up and held it in his open palm. He might have begun the evening very drunk, but he hadn't ended it that way. His mind and body would remember everything that happened, from the first time he kissed her until the last. He closed the small stone in his fist.
Whoever she had been, she had gotten him through one of the worst nights of his life. He shook his head slightly, looking at the necklace he held in his hand … and he didn't even know her name.
1000
Saturday
September 25, 1991
Interstate 40 south
Somewhere in North Carolina
Mac sat looking out the window of the bus, still shaming herself for what she had done. She had been driving herself crazy trying to remember the name or even the face of the man she'd woken up with this morning. She could remember bits and pieces of the night: she remembered dancing; she remembered warm and soul-stirring kisses, but nothing of any detail. She remembered his intensity and the way his body felt against hers, but the details of what he looked like she could not discern.
She was going back to school and she wasn't leaving until she had her law degree. She shook her head. Sometimes she thought she was her own worst enemy.
1830
Friday
May 20, 2005
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
Mac stood in the hallway, trying to gather the courage to knock on the door. She drew a deep breath and knocked. Harm answered almost immediately.
"Hey." He smiled at her warmly. They had become closer in the last few weeks, closer than they had been in a very long time. Now, as in all the other times before, something would happen that would blow their relationship apart.
"Hi." She walked into his apartment. She tried to return his smile, but it felt awkward and uncomfortable.
Harm immediately sensed her discomfort. "What is it?"
She looked at him, not knowing where to begin.
Harm walked up to her and took her hand. "Talk to me, Mac." He led her to the couch and sat down beside her. In her other hand she held a manila envelope.
"Harm, I got some news today that I never expected."
Harm noticed that she had seemed distracted all afternoon. He assumed it had been about their separate assignments. She was going to JAG San Diego. He would be taking a post as Force Judge Advocate Naval Forces Europe in London.
"About San Diego?"
He was ready to assure her that nothing would change between them. True, they would be away from each other a lot in the next few years, but military families had been enduring this kind of separation for centuries. He knew they would be no exception. In fact, he believed they would become even closer. He wanted to finally say all the things he was feeling for her, feelings he had denied for so long. There would be no need to worry about chain of command or how this would affect their careers one way or the other. He placed his hand over their still clasped hands.
"Whatever it is, just tell me." He gave her a reassuring smile.
Mac swallowed hard and saw the patience and, she knew, love in his eyes. How would he feel when he found out about this? She couldn't stand it; she stood and walked over to the window to look out. She had to say this now or she never would.
"I was contacted by social services in Dare County, North Carolina today." She was silent for a moment.
"And?" He gave her a questioning look.
She walked over to him and handed him the envelope she had been carrying. He opened it. It held a case file with a picture of a girl that looked to be about 13 or 14 years old. She was a beautiful girl. She had dark hair, a fair complexion and the most unusual and striking eyes. They seemed to be a golden and green color, almost feline.
Harm looked up at her, still unable to understand what she was trying to say. "What does she have to do with you?"
"She's my daughter, Harm." Mac braced herself and waited for the recriminations. This would hurt him; she knew he wanted a future with her and their children. Her health had taken care of that possibility, but she believed they would at the very least be together, as they should have been long ago.
Harm blanched. "What?"
She was going to lose him, she just knew it. "She's mine, Harm. I never thought I would see her again. I was alone; I had no one and nothing to offer her back then. I was in law school, and barely hanging on to my sobriety by a thread…I thought the best thing for her would be to give her to a family that would take good care of her. I wanted her to have two normal parents, go to Girl Scouts, and have birthday parties. All the things I never had."
"Why are they contacting you now?" He revealed nothing in his expression.
Mac looked at him. She saw the walls going up on those beautiful and expressive eyes. It was happening again.
"It turns out she lived with her adoptive grandmother. Her adoptive mother died when she was only eight years old. Her father deserted her not long after; he signed over parental rights to his wife's mother. Now she is dead too."
Harm looked away from her; this was almost too much to take in. Mac had a daughter. "What are you going to do?"
"She has no one, Harm. I'm going to North Carolina to try and gain custody of her; I don't know what I will do in the long run. I just know she is my daughter and she needs me. I don't even know if I will be able to remain in the Corps. I just know I have to do this. "
Harm was silent, still trying to absorb it all. Did this mean there was no chance for them now? "Will you be contacting her father?"
Mac's face suddenly burned with shame. "No."
"Why not?" This didn't seem fair, even if this man could come between them. He knew that if he were the father, he would want to know.
Mac spoke almost inaudibly. "Because I don't know his name."
"Go on." He knew this was going to hurt to hear, but if they were going to get anywhere in this relationship he had to give her a chance to explain. There would be no more walking away without a fight.
"I know how this must sound, but I swear to you, even in the days when I was drinking, I never woke up with anyone I didn't know."
"What happened?"
She turned her back and walked to the window again. She began to tell him about her trip to Nags Head: the terrible time she was having at school, her sprained ankle and the medicine that she took too much of. She told him about the man who thought she was someone else, about how much he seemed to need her and how lonely she had been.
"I was so ashamed of myself the next morning that I slipped away before he woke up. I couldn't bear to face him, when I couldn't even remember his name."
She turned around to look at him. He was holding the case file and looking intently at the picture. The girl had been born on the 25th of May 1992. His breath caught when he saw himself in her beautiful smile.
"Harm?"
He looked up at her with tears welling in his eyes. He set the file down and walked over to her. He pulled her into his embrace, unable to believe the twist of fate. That night had haunted him for years. He understood that it had not been Diane he was with; her phone call the next morning had taken care of that. He just thought that in his despair and given the number of drinks he had that night that he had made himself believe it had been her.
He pulled back from her for a moment and kissed her forehead. He could not speak. He didn't even know where he would begin, and then he remembered something. He stepped back and took her hand, leading her to his desk and opening the top drawer. He reached to the back and removed a small black velvet box.
She gave him a questioning look. She didn't understand his reaction, but she knew that whatever happened, she hadn't lost him. When he opened it, what she saw took her breath away. It was her necklace; it was the birthstone necklace that her grandmother had given her on her 14th birthday. She had been heartbroken that she had lost it.
"My necklace…I never thought I'd ever see it again…" She looked at Harm and understood now what he was trying to say. It had been him that night.
"It was you?"
He nodded the affirmative.
She was reeling from the shock and stepped back from him to try and steady herself. He would not let her step away. He gathered her in close to him and spoke into her ear urgently, "Don't, please don't walk away from this."
Mac remembered suddenly his words to her that night long ago. "Don't leave me."
She leaned back and looked into his eyes. "I won't – I won't ever leave you again."
Harm pulled her back into his embrace, holding her there, kissing her hair. He understood now why he had never been able to let go of her, why he couldn't stand to see her with someone else. He had never understood the strength of their connection until now. She was already his and they would be a family.
It had begun long ago and far away.
TBC
A/N: Yeah…I know…I told you it was way out there. I just wanted to bring to fruition a baby deal that we have been hearing about for six years. Checkmate dpb!