The ocean was always a constant in Sandy's life. No matter what else was going on, he could always count on the ocean to be there, to comfort him when he needed it. And these days, he really needed it.
Surfing was in his blood. From the moment he had first stepped onto the beach when he arrived in California those many years ago, he knew he was home. He loved the atmosphere of New York, but it couldn't beat the feeling of lying on his board, waiting for a wave run toward him, hopping up, and riding until the energy dissipated and he was left on the beach to paddle out and do it again. And again. He never tired of it and always reluctantly left the water to deal with his day.
Afterwards, he would lie on the beach and let the morning sun warm him up, chase away the chill of the ocean. One morning he was thinking about his life, about Kirsten and the boys, when he realized he wasn't alone.
He opened his eyes to big brown eyes and a long floppy tongue right in his face. He sat up and the beautiful golden retriever jumped back, startled. And that's how he met Millie.
"Well, hello," he said, and the dog cocked her head and then slowly walked back up to him. She sniffed Sandy's legs, and then licked them. Sandy laughed as the rough tongue tickled him. "Who are you here with?" Sandy searched the beach in both directions, looking for the dog's owner, but he couldn't see anyone. "You're by yourself? Me, too."
Sandy reached up to scratch her ears, and the dog lay down and put her head on Sandy's lap. "Kirsten – that's my wife – she doesn't like the ocean like I do, so even if she were home, she wouldn't be here with me. But she's not home. I had to take her to rehab last weekend and I've only been able to talk to her once so far and only for ten minutes."
The dog rolled on her side and lifted her paw, so Sandy moved his scratches to her belly. "But we can go visit her tomorrow. Hopefully, Seth and Ryan – our boys – are looking forward to it too. But Seth's taken it really hard. He won't talk about it with me. And Kirsten said some pretty hateful things to Ryan just before she left. He acted like it didn't affect him, but how could it not? I'm hoping tomorrow goes well, because, God, I miss my wife."
Just then, the dog sat up, listening. Sandy still couldn't see anyone on the beach, but the dog had obviously heard something. She got up and took off running down the beach. Sandy picked up his surfing gear and headed for the Rover.
Sandy was warming himself on the beach two days later when he felt that rough tongue licking the soles of his feet. "You came back!"
Millie walked up closer and nudged Sandy's hand. "So you want more ear scratches, do you?" Sandy obligingly started scratching, and Millie gazed at him with her big brown eyes. "You're wondering how the visit with Kirsten went, aren't you? It went well. You don't know how good it felt to hug my wife again."
Sandy stopped rubbing the dog's head as he thought about the visit. Maybe he wasn't being truthful when he said it went well. Millie licked his hand to remind him to keep rubbing, and looked at him expectantly. "The boys? Seth didn't want to go and I don't know why. We got in a big fight about it. I told him his mother needed him and he yelled that he needed her and she wasn't around so why should he be there her. Yeah, I know, it was ugly. He stayed in his room all morning until we left.
"Yeah, we. Ryan did come with me. He always does whatever we ask him to. I don't know if he would refuse even if he wanted to. But I hadn't had a chance to tell Kirsten about what happened between him and Trey and Marissa so she was very concerned to see the bruises on his neck and face. But I could tell he still didn't trust her after what she'd said and gave her as little information as possible.
"I think next week, I should go by myself."
Sandy started looking forward to his mornings with Millie. It was companionship he didn't have a whole lot of these days. Kirsten was away; both boys were withdrawn. His only other friend was Jimmy, who was busy trying to rebuild his life with Julie, and he really couldn't talk to Jimmy about Kirsten or Seth.
"So Millie," Sandy said, after having discovered her name on her dog tags, "do you have any kids? I don't recommend it. Don't get me wrong – I love the boys. But I certainly don't understand them.
"We got letters from Kirsten yesterday. It's one of her twelve steps – she has to apologize to people she hurt while she was drinking.
"Seth took his letter and opened it right away. I've seen him rereading it a few times now." Sandy sighed and looked out at the water. "But he still won't come with me to visit her."
"Ryan comes every week with me to see her. I found his unopened letter still sitting on the kitchen counter this morning."
Sandy and Millie didn't always lie on the beach and talk. Some mornings when Sandy would land on the beach after he rode his last wave in, Millie would be waiting with a stick, looking forward to a rousing game of fetch. She'd drop the stick at Sandy's feet and bark excitedly until Sandy picked up the stick and threw it as far as he could. Millie would take off as fast as she could go, pick up the stick and race back.
Sometimes, Sandy would pretend to throw the stick and hide it behind his back. Millie would take off like usual, until she realized that the stick didn't land. Then she'd stop and look back at Sandy, who would show her the stick, and the game would progress again. The more often Sandy tried to trick her, the quicker Millie got at checking to be sure that Sandy really threw the stick.
One day, Sandy couldn't wait to talk to Millie. He had good news, and no one to share it with other than the playful dog he met on the beach. "I finally found out what was bothering Seth. To be truthful, Ryan figured it out. Yesterday morning, and Seth and I were having our usual argument about visiting Kirsten, going in circles and getting nowhere. Finally, between bites of cereal, Ryan says, to no one in particular 'You know, she's just the same. She's wearing her own clothes and everything.'
"I had no idea what he was talking about. 'We just sit on couches and talk like we're in the living room,' he says. Finally he glances at Seth with a little smirk on his face. 'Except you don't usually sit in the living and talk to your mother, but you know what I mean.' Then he goes back to his breakfast, like he hadn't said anything. Seth just kind of nodded and went back to his room.
"But then yesterday afternoon, he came to me and said he wanted to come with us today to visit Kirsten. So all this time he was just scared that she'd be different there. That she wouldn't still be the mom he remembered – he needed her to be. I think with his imagination, he was picturing straight jackets and padded walls."
Millie licked his face.
"Yeah. I'm glad he's coming with us today too."
It was a few days before Sandy saw Millie again. She met him with a stick, wanting to play fetch. Sandy threw the stick over and over, watching Millie stream down the beach. Finally, he just pretended to throw it and Millie didn't even flinch. She just watched Sandy, waiting for him to really throw it. "I tricked you one too many times, huh?" Sandy smiled sadly. "I think that's how Ryan feels too."
Sandy sat down on his towel and Millie brought the stick over and lay down beside him. "Our last visit with Kirsten went really well, until she wanted to talk about her letters. Seth got over his nervousness quickly, and started rambling and telling her all about his summer. He had a few weeks of stories saved up for his mom, and she really enjoyed listening to them all. Ryan was relaxed, too – but as soon as Kirsten asked him what he thought about what she said in her letter, he just tensed right up. He wouldn't say why, he just got up and said he'd be waiting in the car for us.
"Kirsten was upset he wouldn't talk about it, because she feels terrible about what she said to him at the intervention. So I had to tell her that he hadn't even read her apology.
"When Seth and I got to the car, Ryan was pretty tense. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't want him to feel trapped in the car. About halfway home, Ryan says, 'I've had enough apologies that didn't last. It's just easier not hearing them in the first place.'
"I've been so caught up with how Seth was dealing with Kirsten in rehab – it never occurred to me that Ryan would be upset about it. I sort of thought he'd be used to it. He is and that's the problem. He's seen Dawn fail at rehab so many times that he has no faith that Kirsten will succeed. The thing is, I can't tell him he's wrong. I can't reassure him."
Sandy buried his head in Millie's fur. "Seth and I have been blindly believing that if Kirsten goes away for a few weeks, she'll come back the same and it will be behind us. But when she comes home, there's always the chance that she'll slip again. She probably will slip again. And Ryan knows that – the problem is he expects it."
"I had a talk with the boys the other day. I probably did more of the talking, but it was good for everyone. Now I think we all understand that it'll be hard for Kirsten when she comes back, especially with all the functions we attend – the Newpsies do love to drink. She's going to do her best and we can do our best to help her, but they aren't responsible for her. I think it was hard for Seth to hear that her trip won't be the cure-all he expected. And I think it was good for Ryan to hear that he's not alone with this, like he always was with his mother.
"But the really good news is that Kirsten is coming home. You don't know how happy I was to hear that from her doctors. Tomorrow. She's coming home tomorrow. I don't think any of us are prepared for how difficult it's going to be, but just having her home, with us, is the best news I've had in a really long time."
With Kirsten's homecoming, it was almost a week before Sandy got out surfing again. He enjoyed waking up next to her again and couldn't make himself get up and leave her. But eventually life had to get back to normal and he found himself back on his surfboard, communing with nature in the early morning. He looked for Millie, but she didn't show up that day.
Sandy looked for Millie every day for the next week, but she didn't show up. He started staying longer than usual after he was done surfing each morning, but still he saw no sign of her. He started walking the beach in the direction she always came from, but he couldn't see anything that indicated she was around. He contemplated knocking on some houses, asking if they had a dog like Millie, but he thought he'd feel a bit foolish and what exactly would he say? "Hi there, I've been hanging out with your dog and talking to her and I was just wondering where she was." So in the end, he did nothing. He just waited for Millie to show up again.
THE END