it's dark inside
by. Poisoned Scarlett
Juvia doesn't understand Gray.
She takes seat on the bench overlooking Magnolia's great river, her hands twisting over themselves on her lap. The skies are painting over with colors of gray and blue, mirroring the turmoil that broils within the young water mages heart, and she finds the incoming bad weather suiting—because she feels like a storm has been unleashed within herself, leveling her thoughts until there is nothing but whispers of things she thought she knew.
Juvia almost died seven days ago.
Juvia doesn't quite recall the details of her fall, but she does remember a great flash of light followed by dust. She remembers tracing the particles of ash and dirt that floated over her crossing eyes, remembers pain blossoming in her stomach like flowers blossom in wet spring days. She was dying, but she was not, and it's the in-between that confused Juvia the most. She was not sure of many things in that in-between, her dreams blurring with her reality sweetly. But what she was absolutely certain of was Gray—who had been safe, kept safe because she blocked a blow for him. Juvia has fought enough battles to know that Gray would not have been able to block that particular blow—but she could, because she was a factor their enemy had not counted on.
No one counts on sacrificing themselves for someone—it's the ultimate trump card, she likes to think. Perhaps that is why Natsu is so successful in his battles; he is always willing to put his life on the line for those he cares about.
The turmoil inside of her is not because she had sacrificed herself for someone she adores—because she adores Gray, this is an irrevocable fact—but rather because Gray had reacted violently, shaking her and screaming himself hoarse at her. He screamed things that hurt Juvia, shocked her because she had never seen such savageness in his eyes before. She does not think she has done anything wrong, doesn't feel guilty of any misgivings, yet the way he screamed at her, pulled her close and told her to never do that again, haunts Juvia.
"You fucking idiot, what the hell did you think you were doing?"
She was saving a life.
He didn't see it that way.
"Don't you ever fucking do that again, do you hear me, Juvia?"
He hasn't spoken to her since she was released from the hospital a few days ago. She had made her way to the guild today hoping he had forgotten his anger for Juvia, but she finds that it has only grown. Over the few days she spent recovering, his anger had been fanned and had grown to levels she can't tame. She entered the guild today hopeful and she was met with the hearty cheers of her fellow friends, yet his gaze remained grim if not relieved. But they were still eyes that were not savage but hard, and Juvia finds herself not frightened of the savagery she now knows his eyes can hold, but of the absolute coldness they were capable of as well.
He is a mage of ice and he proves it to her today.
Juvia clutches her abdomen and winces because it's still sore. She had left the guild after Gray avoided her for two whole hours—even when she followed him around, he would not engage her in exasperate conversation like usual. He humors her, she knows this, everyone knows this, and she appreciates it but not today—today he asked her if she was fine and then proceeded to make her change her mind about it. Because no day is right if Gray is not right and he is certainly not right—not with his back turned to her, not with his eyes so cold.
She startles when she hears someone sigh besides her and she jumps when she realizes who it is that has taken seat beside her, his eyes no longer ice cold but weary and his smile halfhearted and nothing like she's used to seeing.
"Hey, Juvia," he greets awkwardly, sinking into the bench beside her with a crease between his brows. "Uh..."
"Gr-Gray-sama!" she squeaks, sitting up straight. When he does nothing more than stare ahead, his face set and his eyes becoming as dark as the depthless seas, her shoulders slump and her heart twists and she is reminded once more why there is a storm raging on inside her—why there is a storm raging inside of Gray-sama, too, a blizzard of a magnitude she cannot comprehend.
"Gray-sama?" she begins, softly. He grunts, shifting his eyes to her. "Juvia doesn't understand why Gray-sama is so angry with her," she admits immediately, clutching her skirts tightly in her fists. She just wants to know what she did that was so horribly wrong that Gray refuses to even look at her.
Gray exhales sharply. "You should. You were the one who did it."
His eyes give it away: darting down to her abdomen, to the bandages which hide the wound that rightfully belonged to him. She presses a hand over her stomach and thinks that if Gray is anymore selfless than he already is, she just might fall even more in love with him. Because between his grim gaze and her bitter smile, they both know that Juvia is anything but selfless. She has had too many things torn away from her, too many things prohibited to her, that selfishness is really the only thing she can rely on now.
"Is it because Juvia blocked a blow for Gray-sama?"
"It's because you almost killed yourself trying to protect me," Gray grits out, his fist clenching. Because Gray has seen many people disappear that way, has seen so many people throw themselves in front of him because he is not strong enough, not adept enough, not aware enough. He has seen too many fall that way and he will be damned if he sees Juvia fall because of him, too.
"Juvia did it because Juvia never wants to see Gray-sama hurt," she says, softly. She clasps her hands to her chest, visibly recoiling at the thought of Gray hurt. "Juvia is sorry if she upset Gray-sama in some way, but she could not help it—she cannot stand the idea of Gray-sama hurt!" She looks at Gray and her eyes are watery and sorry but paradoxically unrepentant and strong. "I can't, Gray."
Gray looks down at his hands and sinks further down the bench. "Juvia, you can't do that again. I know it's hard, but I'll get hurt. That's what it means to be a mage. I knew this since the first day I started training to be an Ice-Make mage. You can't protect me from everything, and I don't want you to."
"But—!"
"Juvia!" Gray raises his voice. He looks at her, his gaze sharp. It softens at her tears and his words are gentler than before, "you know how you can't stand to see me hurt? What about me, how did you think I felt seeing you lying on the floor with all that blood?"
Juvia doesn't know how to respond for a second. When she does, it's an uttered, "I..." that makes Gray sigh a little louder.
He is not good with words, not good with expression. He is not one to confess his undying love for a woman like Elfman, isn't one to obliviously spout it out like Natsu, isn't one to blindly follow behind his beloved like Happy. He is different, it's more difficult for him, because his past is wrought with regrets and darkness and he doesn't think someone like Juvia should have to learn it all and try to piece together the scattered light in his life. She has her own demons, she has her own regrets, her own darkness, and he doesn't think he can bear to have her burden his darkness when her own is enough to cause the sky to rumble with thunder and gray with rain.
"Juvia, it's not about not wanting me to get hurt, you can't do things like that! Your life..." He falters, lowers his eyes, remembers old teachers and old teachings, and feels his heart tear a little more. "Your life is not your own anymore, Juvia, you can't just throw yourself into danger like that! You're not hurting just yourself, you're hurting other people, too!" He remembers hair being ruffled, kind black eyes gazing down at him and smiling at his childish stubbornness. His eyes shut and his breath comes steady and slow. "I don't ever want you to do that again. You're important to me, Juvia, I can't lose you...too."
"Gray-sama," she whispers, her eyes widening with the secrets she picks up from between his words.
His face reddens at his lame admission and he looks away, barking out, "J-just don't do that again, okay, Juvia? If you do, I'll...ignore you for a week or something!"
Juvia represses a smile but it brightens her face anyway, her watery eyes glowing. "Yes, Gray-sama! Juvia understands now!" She smooths her dress' skirts over her thighs and smiles gently at him. "Juvia is sorry she worried Gray-sama so much. She promises to never do that again!"
His eyes flash to hers and they're wide with surprise, his cheeks pinking at the adoring weight of her gaze. He looks away, sighs, stands up and holds his hand out to her. He slips his other into the pocket of his trousers and crooks a smile down at her, "C'mon, Juvia. Let's go back to the guild before Mirajane decides to hack off my head for making you cry."
Juvia's eyes flash and she holds Gray's hand protectively, ignoring him when he tries to tug it out of her grasp. "No one shall hurt my Gray-sama! Especially not that white-haired demon!"
"Juvia," Gray warns, annoyed.
She blinks and smiles sheepishly at him. "B-but...Juvia will let Gray-sama fight his own battles...although this is a battle between love rivals, not that Juvia is saying Mirajane is her love rival or anything! Not Juvia's specifically, unless Mirajane likes, um, women, which, ah, she doesn't because..."
He gives her a lengthy look and then snorts, patting her back gently and overlooking her flustered squeak. "Idiot, now you're just spouting nonsense. C'mon, let's go back. You still haven't greeted some of your friends properly."
She squeezes his hand and beams up at him, following him back to the guild with her heart light and a special promise between them.