Hello, faithful viewers! The Jonny T Factor here again, with yet another Deadpool/ Adventure Time crossover! I honestly think that of all the Deadpool crossovers I've done, this is my favorite pairing. Since the first one did so well, I thought it would only be fair that I write another. This one involves a certain Merc that has a little relationship issue. Hope you enjoy.
I do not own Deadpool or Adventure Time.
No Love For The Merc: REMASTERED
Finn and Jake walk together through the Land of Ooo. They were heading towards the Candy Kingdom, hoping to visit Princess Bubblegum.
"Hey, Finn." Jake says.
"Yeah, Jake?" Finn questions.
"Why are we going to the Candy Kingdom again?" Jake replies, confused.
"To see if PB needs anything." Finn answers.
"...You're not still trying to hook up with her, are you?" Jake questions.
"Wha?" Finn says, shocked.
"Aw man, you are, aren't you?" Jake states, narrowing his eyes.
"No, man, I'm just... trying to help those in need!" Finn explains, blushing.
"Man, you need to get it through your head, she's just not interested!" Jake informs, "And you need to forget about her. Try finding someone else. Like Wildberry Princess, she's cute. And hey, she might teach you how to make that sweet jam or hers. Then we can copyright and sell it!"
"Dude, like I said, I'm just trying to help those in need!" Finn repeats, still blushing.
"HELP!" a high pitched voice screams.
"Whoa, Jake, did you hear that?" Finn questions, surprised.
"Yeah, it sounds like someone that needs help." Jake states.
"Uh, yeah, I got that." Finn replies. The two quickly race over a hill, only to be met with a shocking sight.
"HEY, YOU'RE NOT SO GOOD LOOKING YOURSELF, JERK!" Deadpool yells. He was standing over a group of fluffy people. He was beating each one of them to a matted pulp.
"WADE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Finn yells, him and Jake running at Deadpool and pushing him away, "Stop hurting the fluffy people!"
"Thank you..." a fluffy person mutters, before passing out.
"I can't help it, they have 'punch me' all over their soft, little, faces!" Deadpool states, "Except it's backward!" Finn and Jake both look at the fluffy people to see the words 'PUNCH ME' printed backwards on their faces.
"Dude, you're wearing brass knuckles." Jake informs. Deadpool looks at his hands, seeing the brass knuckles with the words printed on them.
"Huh, forgot I put those on." Deadpool says, tossing them behind him.
"Why were you attacking these guys?" Finn questions.
"I'm depressed." Deadpool answers, sitting on the ground, looking sad through his body language.
[Gaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!]
"And the only thing that makes me happy is being paid to inflict harm." Deadpool replies.
"Someone paid you to hurt them?" Jake questions.
"Do I look happy to you?" Deadpool answers, pointing at his masked face.
"Uuuhhh... no?" Finn replies, a bit unsure, "Soooo, what are you depressed about?"
"I don't wanna talk about it." Deadpool informs.
"Okay." Finn says, shrugging and walking away with Jake.
"Yeah, I totally don't wanna talk about how Marcline dumped me." Deadpool states. Finn and Jake turn in mid-step and walk back to Deadpool.
"Whoa, Marcline dumped you?" Finn replies.
"WHAT?" Deadpool yells, "Who told you? Was it the puff balls?" Deadpool grabs a fluffy person and rears his fist back. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Deadpool growls.
"AAAHHH!" the fluffy person screams.
"NO, WADE!" Finn yells, "Look, just tell us what happened!" Jake slowly slips the fluffy person out of Deadpool's grasp.
"I'm not sure what happened!" Deadpool states, "I thought everything was going good for us. We saw movies together, ate a shit ton of Mexican grub, wrote a fanfiction about Marshall Lee meeting Boobs, that kind of stuff. Then one day she just threw me out!"
"Harsh, dude." Jake replies.
"Why didn't you come stay with us?" Finn questions.
"Well, I thought I'd stay at the Candy Kingdom for awhile." Deadpool explains, "But let's just say that I learned that pixie stixs are the cocaine of the candy world."
[God, that was a party!]
"So, I was banished by Princess Bubbleboobs and decided to blame my problems on weaker individuals." Deadpool replies, "You know, the Bush approach."
"Yo, watch what you say about Peebles!" Finn orders, a little defensive.
"Chill, dude." Jake says.
"Anyway, that's about it." Deadpool informs.
"Well, maybe we can talk to Marceline for you." Finn says, "And in the mean time, you can stay at our Tree Fort." Deadpool lets out a joyful squeal.
"...You heard that, didn't you?" Deadpool questions, as he comes to a realization.
"Yep." Jake answers. Deadpool pulls out a gun and points it at the two.
"Forget what you heard!" Deadpool orders, "FORGET IT!" Finn and Jake nod nervously. "Good." Deadpool says, then puts his gun away and hugs Finn and Jake tightly, "Boys, we're gonna have a hell of a time!"
"AWESOME!" both Finn and Jake cheer.
[One hour later…]
Deadpool lays in the fetal position on the couch, in the Tree Fort, in nothing but his underwear and mask. Tubs of ice cream lay open on the floor around him, and a stereo resting by his head. The song 'On My Own' by the Used was playing, and tears streamed down Deadpool's face. Finn and Jake watch from the kitchen, a little worried.
"Dude, he's only been here for half an hour." Jake says.
"Yeah, and all he's done is open up cartons of ice cream and put them around the couch and listen to that song over and over." Finn replies.
"Oh, Bert, someone hurt you, didn't they?" Deadpool cries, "Who hurt you, Bert? …Who hurt you?"
"Dude, he's totally messed up about Marceline." Finn informs, "I think we need to help them get back together."
"Yeah, but how?" Jake questions. Just then, BMO enters the kitchen, wearing a sleeping cap on its head.
"Finn, Jake, please… get the freaky guy out!" Beemo begs, "I cannot get my beauty sleep!"
"You don't need beauty sleep, BMO." Jake informs.
"Yeah, you're already super adorable." Finn adds. Beemo's face lights up with joy, then it skips out of the kitchen. "Okay, now seriously, dude, we need to talk to Marcie." Finn states.
A few minutes later, Finn and Jake arrive at Marceline's house. They ring on the doorbell, but there was no response.
"Marceline?" Finn calls, but there was still no response.
"Maybe she's out doing stuff." Jake says.
"I guess we should just go in." Finn replies, shrugging. Finn opens the door and the two enter, finding it to be dark inside.
"Huh… you'd think she'd leave a light on." Jake says. All of a sudden, the door slams shut behind them. "WHAT WAS THAT!" Jake screams, as him and Finn turn around. Just then, a wolf leaps onto them, pinning them underneath it.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" both scream as the wolf growls at them. The wolf's eyes then widen, as it morphs into Marceline.
"Oh, hey, guys." Marceline greets.
"Hey, Marcie." Finn replies, as him and Jake act as if nothing had happened.
"Sup." Jake adds.
"So, what brings you guys here?" Marceline questions, as she floats off of them and helps them to their feet.
"Well… it's about Wade." Finn informs, "He's really upset about you dumping him."
"He's got a mad case of heartache, momma!" Jake states.
"Yeah, that figures." Marceline sighs, "I've been feeling bad about it too."
"So, why don't you get back together with him?" Jake questions.
"Why would I do that?" Marceline replies.
"...'Cause you miss him?" Finn answers, a bit unsure.
"Pfff, no way!" Marceline states.
"...That's kinda harsh." Jake informs, "...You're a harsh person."
"Okay, let's start at the beginning, how were things going between you two?" Finn replies.
"Well… it was kind of fun being with Wade." Marceline explains, "He was funny, kind, and romantic… in his own insane way. But the thing is… I kind of have feelings for someone else."
"Wow." Jake replies.
"Who?" Finn questions.
"That's not important!" Marceline says, blushing a little, "Anyway… I tried to let Wade off easy, but as I soon learned, nothing is easy with him. He trashed my place and stole my 'Maybe Memories' CD."
"Wow, he defiantly was ticked." Jake says.
"Yeah, and I hadn't even broke up with him yet." Marceline replies, "I tried to explain to him that we could still hang out, but he told me that he was going to score some pixie stixs and ran off. I didn't really understand until I heard he was banished from the Candy Kingdom. Guess he finally met Bonnie."
"Yeah, we just found him today, beating up some fluffy people." Finn informs, "We invited him back to the Tree Fort, but all he did was cry when we got there."
"Wait, Deadpool can cry?" Marceline questions, then giggles a bit, "I'm sorry, but that's just funny."
"Not really." Finn replies, "It's actually kind of sad." Jake holds up a cellphone with a picture of Deadpool on the screen, curled up on the couch in his underwear, shoveling a spoonfull of ice cream into his mouth, with a tear in his eyes.
"Whoa… that is sad." Marceline says, feeling a little sorry.
"And that's why you need to come help us cheer him up." Finn informs. Marceline thinks for a moment.
"Well... okay." Marceline replies, "I'll stop by later tonight."
"Cool." Jake says.
"Well, I guess we'll see you later." Finn states, "We need to hurry back to the Tree Fort and make sure Wade hasn't burned it down yet. ...Seriously, it could be gone. Come on, Jake."
"Right behind ya, dude." Jake replies, then the two head for the door.
"Wait, Finn." Marceline says, "I need to tell you something."
"Okay." Finn replies, as him and Jake stop and turn back around.
"...In private." Marceline explains, arching an eyebrow. The three stand in an awkward silence for a couple minutes. "...Alone." Marceline says, narrowing her eyes a bit. Several more minutes of awkwardness between the three goes by. "...Without Jake." Marceline adds, facepalming.
"...Oh!" Finn replies, coming to a realization, "Jake, wait outside."
"Kay." Jake says, walking out the door.
"So, what's on your mind?" Finn questions.
"Finn... there's no easy way for me to say this, so I just say it." Marceline explains, a bit of hesitation in her voice.
"That sounds like any easy way of saying it." Finn informs.
"Shut up, I'm talking!" Marceline orders.
"Sorry." Finn says. Marceline takes a deep breath.
"I... I broke up with Wade because of you." Marceline states.
"Whaaaa?" Finn replies, shoucked.
"Look, don't freak out or anything, but... I like you." Marceline informs, "And I mean I really like you." Finn becomes silent for a moment.
"Uh... wow." Finn says, a little surprised.
"Look, I knew this might happen." Marceline states, feeling embarrassed, "You know what, just forget everything I just said!"
"No, it's okay!" Finn informs, "I... I like you too. But I thought you weren't into that kind of stuff."
"I'm not!" Marceline replies, "I mean... I wasn't! It's complicated! You know how women are!"
"No, I don't." Finn says, a little confused.
"Oh right, you're a cabbage baby." Marceline says.
"Hey, Finn, you done yet?" Jake calls from outside, "There a squirrel at the entrance of the cave and I wanna kill it for some reason!"
"Just a sec, Jake!" Finn replies.
"Look, we'll talk about this later." Marceline informs, then gives Finn a kiss on the cheek. Finn's eyes widen, his jaw drops, and he blushes. He slowly backs away through the door and closes it. Jake and Finn head out of the cave and make their way back to the Tree Fort.
"So, what did Marceline tell ya?" Jake questions.
"Uh... n-n-nothing." Finn answers, still shocked.
"You okay, dude?" Jake questions, a little worried, "You're starting to freak me out with the face thing." Finn shakes his head, then regains his composure.
"Jake." Finn says.
"Yeah, Finn?" Jake replies.
"I think I'm in trouble." Finn informs.
"Why, ya gotta pee?" Jake questions, "Just go behind a bush, no one's looking."
"No, Jake, it's more serious than that!" Finn states.
"Whoa!" Jake replies, with his eyes wide.
"Dude, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone!" Finn informs.
"It's okay, dude, I won't tell anyone." Jake says.
"Okay, here it goes." Finn replies, "Jake... Marceline has a thing for me." Jake is silent, then bursts into laughter. "Dude, it's not funny!" Finn states, getting angry.
"Finn's got a girlfriend, Finn's got a girlfriend!" Jake sings, laughing even more.
"DUDE!" Finn yells.
"Finn and Marceline, sitting in tree!" Jake sings, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Finn grabs Jake and shakes him.
"Jake, this is serious!" Finn yells, "If Wade finds out about this, he will literally kill me! ...With guns!"
"Oh crud, dude!" Jake replies.
"I know, man!" Finn says, "What do I do?" Jake thinks for a moment.
"Maybe we can grab a few things for from the Tree Fort and sneak them over to the Candy Kingdom." Jake explains, "And if things don't go well tonight, you can always lay low there."
"Jake, you're a genus!" Finn states, hugging Jake.
"I know." Jake replies.
Later, Finn and Jake arrive back at the Tree Fort. Finding it to be silent.
"Huh, maybe Wade's feeling better." Jake says, "His music's not blaring anymore." They both open the door and enter the Tree Fort, finding it to be dark inside.
"Wade?" Finn questions, looking around. Both look around the fort for a moment, then stroll into the kitchen.
"Maybe he left." Jake says. They then spot a chimichanga on the table. Both stroll over to it. Finn slowly brings a finger to it and touches it. His heart skips a beat and his blood runs cold.
"...It's cold." Finn says. Jake's face lights up in terror. All of a sudden, they hear a noise coming from upstairs. Both look at each other, fear on their faces. They then slowly make their way to the ladder and head up. They soon find themselves upstairs, which was also dark. "W-Wade?" Finn questions.
"Hello, Finn and Jake." Deadpool's voice replies. A light comes on, revealing Deadpool sitting in a chair.
"H-hey, Wade." Jake greets, a little nervous, "How's it goin'? Ya feelin' any better?"
"Well, I calmed down a little bit ago." Deadpool informs, "Sooo... I decided to do a little internet browsing on this laptop that I stole from Weasel. I decided I'd head over to Fanfiction to see if the story me and Marceline wrote was doing well. And what do I find?"
[Hate comments? Gay smut? The sudden realization that your fanfics won't help you lose your virginity?]
"I find that Jonny T's posted another story." Deadpool explains, "So, I decide to check it out. And you know what I found?"
"Oh donk!" Finn says, shocked. Deadpool pulls out his katanas.
"JUDAS!" Deadpool yells, his eyes full of rage.
"Wait, Wade, let's not doing anything crazy." Finn replies, nervous, "Let's just talk this out!"
"SHABA-LABA-DABA-DAM!" Deadpool screams gibberish.
"RUN!" Jake screams. both trying to run back downstairs, only for Deadpool to leap in their path. He swings his katanas at their heads, but they duck under them and roll away from Deadpool. Finn pulls out his sword.
"Wade, just let me explain!" Finn says.
"Explanations are for pussies!" Deadpool states, "So, if you wanna explain something, go find a cat!"
"...Whaaaa?" Jake questions, confused.
[Yeah... that didn't make sense to me either.]
"You took my bitch!" Deadpool yells, "I take your life! It only fair!"
"Look, Wade, I had nothing to do with it!" Finn replies.
"Explain that to Mr. Stabby!" Deadpool says, waving the katana in his right hand around, then the katana in he left hand, "And his brother, Steve!"
[Mr. Stabby's living with Steve now because Mrs. Stabby caught him with Ms. Cutty.]
Deadpool then swings his katanas at Finn again, this time Finn blocks with his sword. The two connect blades for a bit, then Jake runs over with a lamp and tries to smash it over Deadpool's head. But Deadpool ducks, causing Jake to smash the lamp over Finn's head.
"DUDE!" Finn yells, as he falls to the floor in pain.
"Sorry!" Jake replies, only to receive an elbow to the face by Deadpool, sending him to the floor. Deadpool then points one of his katanas at Jake.
"I know a bad dog that's getting neutered!" Deadpool states.
"NOOOOOO!" Jake screams, horrified.
"NO!" Finn yells, jumping on Deadpool's back and putting him in a headlock. Deadpool reaches back and flings Finn off of him and onto the chair he sat in earlier. He then raise his sword over his head and brings it down, but Finn leaps off of the chair, causing Deadpool to slice it in half. Finn quickly rushes over to Jake, who was just getting back to his feet.
"Dude, Wade's totally lost it!" Finn says, "We gotta get out of here!"
"I'm with ya on that one, buddy!" Jake replies, then they both take off towards the ladder again.
"HEY!" Deadpool yells, then flings his katanas at the two.
"AAAAHHHH!" both Finn and Jake scream. Both quickly duck, sending the katanas into the wall.
"DAMN YOU, SUSPENSE CLICHES!" Deadpool yells. Finn and Jake rush down the ladder, only to find Deadpool with two 9mms drawn waiting at the bottom.
"But... HOW?" Finn questions.
"Teleportation, suckers!" Deadpool yells, then opens fire on them. Both Finn and Jake quickly duck behind the couch.
"Jake!" Finn says.
"Yeah, buddy?" Jake replies.
"We're totally boned, aren't we?" Finn questions.
"Like ham, man!" Jake answers. The bullets destroy everything in sight.
[Everything is a potential target!]
Finn and Jake continue to cower behind the couch, then Finn spots something pink under the couch. He pulls it out, finding it to be a piece of Princess Bubblegum's hair.
"Jake, I think I found something to stop Wade's gunfire!" Finn informs, then rips the hair in half and wads the two pieces up. He then throws both pieces over the couch, sending them over the barrels of the guns. Deadpool's gunfire stops.
"Looks like I found myself..." Deadpool says, then puts on a pair of sunglasses, "...In a sticky situation."
[YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!]
"YAAAAAAAAHH!" Finn yells, leaping out from behind the couch with his sword drawn and slices the barrels of the guns in halves as well.
"MY BABIES!" Deadpool screams, then receives a kick to the face by Finn. Finn then punches Deadpool, who then throws the remains of his guns down and punches Finn. Jake tears through the remains of the couch, now large and muscular and charges at Deadpool. "Arkham Asylum training don't fail me now!" Deadpool says, then rolls out of the way of Jake, who runs over Finn and runs into the wall. Deadpool then starts punching Jake, who was now disorientated. Finn quickly gets up and grabs BMO, who was hiding behind a chair.
"FINN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Beemo screams.
"I'm really sorry, BMO!" Finn informs, then raises BMO over his head and slams him down on Deadpool's head.
"OW!" BMO screams. Deadpool turns around, seeming unaffected.
"Oh crud!" Finn says. Jake starts to stumble around a bit.
"Did you really think that hitting me over the head with that adorable looking computer thing would do something?" Deadpool questions, "What are you dense? Are you retarded or something? I'M THE GODDAMN DEADPOOL!" All of a sudden, Jake falls down on top of Deadpool, completely out cold. Jake then shrinks down to normal size. "...ow..." Deadpool moans, before falling unconscious.
"BMO, you okay?" Finn questions, only to receive a punch to the face as a response. BMO leaps down and storms off, angry. Finn quickly picks Jake up. "Jake, you okay, dude?" he questions. Jake wakes up.
"Oh, Finn... I was having the weirdest dream that Wade and Marceline broke up." Jake informs, then looks around the Tree Fort, seeing all the destruction, "It was real, wasn't it?"
"Yep." Finn replies.
"So, what do we do now?" Jake questions.
"I guess we should restrain Wade until Marceline gets here." Finn answers.
"Kay." Jake replies.
Will the love drama come to an end? Will Deadpool and Marceline get back together? Will Deadpool get free and try to kill Finn and make a Highlander reference? All these question will be answered in the next exciting chapter of No Love For The Merc! Please Review. Thanks.