Warning: spoilers for 'Agents of SHIELD', episode 'Girl in the Flower Dress', from chapter two onwards. So if you haven't seen that, you'd better not read this yet. Oh, and this story is mainly about Phil and Johnny's relationship, its breakdown, and trying to put it back together. Lots of discussion, angst, fluff, and anything else would be giving away the ending. Maybe. So that's all I can say.

"Never Have I"

"Never have I…" Skye smirked. "All right, I'll go easy on you." It was generous of her, considering that they were all at least four shots in. "Never have I ever had sex with a bona fide superhero."

Phil was the only one who took a drink. Only Agent May didn't stare at him. Everyone else's jaws dropped, and they actually looked impressed.

"W-who was she?" Ward asked. "It wasn't… Romanov, was it?"

Phil gifted him with a withering look. "Not a 'she', Agent Ward."

"Holy shit," Skye said, eyes ready to drop out of her head.

J&P

Johnny turned away, and stomped over to the bag he had packed.

"I can't do this anymore, Phil," he said.

"You're just being a child, Johnny!"

"Yeah, well, children don't like being abandoned," Johnny said, and he hiked the bag onto his shoulder. There was a definitely lump in Phil's throat, but like hell was he not going to stick to his guns.

"I'm back now," he said. "It was just a problem at work—"

"And you'll be gone again in five minutes! Nick Fury snaps his fingers and you come running. You know, the only time you've put work before our relationship was when… actually, you know what? It's just dumb luck that my proposal wasn't interrupted by your work, and even luckier that our wedding wasn't postponed because of some stupid mission!"

"Someone has to do this job, Johnny," Phil said, trying to be the reasonable one here. "I know you believe that. How many times have you put your life on the line to rescue someone? You know, between the times you put your life on the line with extreme sports. At least my hobbies aren't hazardous to my own health."

"What hobbies?" Johnny said, waving his arms. He dropped his bag, and moved closer to Phil. "I least I've taken up music. You don't do anything that isn't work. Not even… not even me. When was the last time we made love?"

Every time Johnny said 'love', it made something soar inside Phil. Even if it wasn't being directed at him, or in relation to him at all, just hearing that word fall from Johnny's lips was enough to make him weak. It had nearly stopped him from going to SHIELD several times.

"Look, I could arrange some time for us together," he suggested. That just seemed to make it worse, considering the way Johnny blanched.

"That so?" he said. "I could just be another slot on your schedule? Should I come into your office and have sex with you there, so that I don't waste precious time meeting you somewhere, or waiting for you to come home? So we have maximum time to fuck? Because that's all it is anymore. Something quick when you get home, or a bit longer if you're home for an anniversary or birthday. If. We don't do anything special for Christmas. It's too much of a hassle to be spontaneous. I never thought we'd be one of those couples where marriage would just ruin everything." He scooped up his bag again and headed for the front door of their flat in Portland. Phil followed him, and caught hold of his arm.

"Johnny, don't do this," he whispered. "I'm sorry. But you know how things have been since we came up with the Avengers Initiative—"

"And you don't even let me in on it," Johnny said softly. "I… I know you want to separate home and work life; I get that, and I agree with it. It would be great if you knew how to make them a bit more even."

"I could spend more time at home—"

"Can you guarantee that?" Johnny asked, turning just his head to meet Phil's gaze. "I don't care about being in some new superhero group; I'm already part of one, and they're my family."

"I'm your family as well, Johnny."

"Are you?" Phil swallowed, trying to dislodge that lump. "Maybe on paper. Maybe in the few photos from the ceremony. But emotionally? You're just dead, Phil. You don't care about me like you used to. I think you agreed to marry me because you loved the idea of us being tied together permanently. And honestly? I didn't notice that the first couple of years. Then Sue and Reed had Franklin, and things slowed down. Now we've got Iron Man flying around, saving the day. And you're trying to net the Hulk. The agents you handle are taking up most of your time."

"Someone else could handle them—"

"Now you've come back from New Mexico. What's next, huh? Some weirdo trying to take over the world? Something to do with the hammer you found? Whatever it is, you're going to put it ahead of me."

"Johnny, if the world is at stake—"

"I'm supposed to be your world!" Johnny whirled around, the scowl on his face so poisonous that Phil took a step back, startled. "That was what you said the night of our honeymoon. You leaned over me after we'd made love – one of the last times we really made love – and you said that I was your world. Where did that go, Phil? God, I'd prefer it if you were having an affair! At least it would show that you weren't just the robot everyone else says you are. I know— I thought I knew differently. I really thought… But work is your mistress. Or are you really a bigamist? Before I came along, everyone said you were married to your work. I should've known better than to propose when you weren't even single." He laughed manically. "Yeah. I was real stupid, wasn't I?"

"Johnny, no," Phil said, and he grabbed his husband's arm. "Please stop."

"We were so in love that we married before it was technically legal," Johnny said. He shook his head. "Let go of me, Phil."

"Please! I'll take time off work, okay? I have plenty of sick leave just sitting there for a rainy day. We can go away somewhere, like a second honeymoon. I'll turn my phone off, and we could sit on a beach all day. Or go skiing in the mountains. Anywhere. We'll do whatever you want to do, Johnny. Just… please don't leave. I love you. God, every time I see you get on your bike to go and perform dangerous stunts, or every time you do something else equally risky, my heart's in my mouth. I'm always scared that I'm going to get a call saying that you've been injured, or k-killed." His voice broke, and he held Johnny from behind. His heart was beating too fast, too hard. It was going to break right through his ribcage. "Because I love you. And I let you do it because it makes you happy, even though I swear my hair loss has been sped up by this. I let you flirt with women because that's just what you do, and I've accepted that. It hurts, but I trust you not to leave me, even though you could do so much better. But I do all of this because I love you."

Johnny's swallow was audible. "I love you, too. Do you mean it, Phil? We can go away, and you'll have your phone off?"

"I'll even leave it at home. Hell, we could go without a word to anyone, though that would be monumentally stupid. We'd at least need to tell your sister. But no one would blame us for wanting to get away from it all. I have months of sick leave and vacation days."

"Because you spend so much time at work," Johnny said, a bite to the words. But he didn't pull away, which Phil counted as a victory. "I guess I can unpack. This was only for a few nights. If we're going away for a couple of months I'll need a bigger case."

Phil turned him around, nearly sagging with relief. He tugged Johnny into a kiss. It felt like weeks since they'd really kissed, and he wondered how long it had been. He got so busy…

Then his phone rang. Johnny stiffened, and pulled back from the kiss.

"Are you going to answer it?" he asked. Phil's hand had automatically gone for it. He wrenched his hand away from his pocket.

"Of course not," he said. "Let's get… let's get pack…"

But it was taunting him with its ring. Johnny's eyebrows drew together.

"Yes," he said. "Let's get packing. Come on, Phil."

He was a fool. "Let me just find out what's going on." Johnny pulled back out of reach. "No, really, Johnny. I can tell Fury who to put onto the job, or maybe just advise from wherever we… wait, don't… Johnny, please!"

"I'm leaving," Johnny said, and he made for the front door. Phil's mobile kept ringing. "This is over, Coulson." He opened the door, and Phil couldn't move. He felt dizzy, like he'd been drugged. Everything was moving slowly, and his limbs refused to obey his brain. "I was an idiot to think I could fall in love with you, and that it'd be requited."

"Jo—"

"Your boss wants you," Johnny said. He fiddled with something, and then placed it on the hall table. He looked back at Phil one last time. "I'll return for the rest of my clothes, the cello, and other stuff. I guess you won't be here. It's best. I… I don't ever want to see you again."

Then he turned, and walked out of Phil's life forever. The ring seemed louder in the apartment, and Phil finally scooped it out. Everything was back to normal speed, and he pressed the answer button even as he was running to the door and wrenching it open.

"Coulson," he said absently, looking left and right. No sign of Johnny.

"They found Captain America," Fury said. Phil didn't register the words at first. When they hit him, he staggered back against the door.

"What?"

"Steve Rogers' plane was found in the ice, and so was his body. He's alive, and a team's working on defrosting him now. Until that's done, we won't know how he is. But apparently it looks good. A security detail will need to be established. They may have to cut him out of the uniform…"

Fury was still talking, but Phil was only half taking it in. He'd turned around, and his eyes had zeroed in on the thing Johnny had left on the table.

His wedding ring.

J&P

"C'mon, who was it?" Skye said, leaning forward across the table. "You can tell us, AC."

Phil knew that Agent May knew, and that she could keep her mouth shut. But there was no need to let anyone else know his problems. His own wedding ring was on a chain around his neck, and he never let anyone see it. After all, he was technically still married to Johnny; his heart never strayed, so his body wouldn't either.

"That's classified," he said. He let them whine for half a minute before he decided to start playing dirty.

Knowing your subordinates' personal histories was useful in drinking games.

Oops. Making Phil the villain in a relationship with Johnny. Again. Don't worry! I have had an idea for a high school AU where the tables are turned. But I won't give anything else away. I just hope I get around to writing it. Not so good at AUs.

Meanwhile, what do you think of this so far? And why do I sometimes feel like I'm the only one shipping these two? Someone please join in! I want to read something with them where I don't know what's going to happen.

Note: IS ANYONE IN BRISBANE, AUST, PLANNING TO SEE 'THOR 2'? I only ask because I haven't heard from my friends, and Mum hasn't seen any of the films, so I can't justify dragging her along.