A/N: This is officially the first fanfic I have ever written. I would appreciate some good constructive criticism and helpful reviews. This fic is set (in this chapter particularly) during the flashbacks of events concerning Soubi and Ritsu in vol. 8 of the manga (so don't read if you haven't read up to there because there may be some spoilers). Other chapters will cover the space in time before Seimei shows up to be Soubi's Sacrifice and maybe a little bit beyond that (it's all pretty much planned out in my head, but I'll only continue it depending on reviews). It's told from Soubi's POV. The whole reason I started to write this fic is because of how much I love Soubi and Ritsu's complex relationship and how, when Seimei comes in, it makes it even more problematic (so I hope I've captured their personalities well). I've rated it M for possible explicit yaoi in future chapters, and for some of the themes in this chapter (just to be safe).

Warnings for this chapter: Mentions of rape/abuse (non-explicit but still described), brief strong language

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing of Yun Kouga's manga Loveless. She is an amazing artist, please go buy her stuff and support her.

Chapter One

I had been staring so long at the butterflies mounted on my teacher's wall that their forms were beginning to blur into dull crowds of blue, green, yellow, and black. The various colors of the dead insects were coming together and meeting at the edges under the glass of the picture frames in which they were contained. I sighed and blinked, bringing my eyes back into focus. Ritsu-sensei said that he was going to be here at two o'clock but I hadn't seen him since the early morning when he threw me out of his office with a frown and, taking the cigarette from his mouth, told me to come by after my classes were over.

I was beginning to think he had forgotten me, but I knew I wouldn't be so lucky. It seemed more and more obvious that I was all he thought about. He talked about me constantly to the other teachers, and insisted that I would soon become the perfect Fighter unit. I didn't really understand this. Ritsu-sensei was always correcting me over the most trivial errors, and there was, in juxtapose to this, the fact that I didn't yet have a Sacrifice. Sure, I had been paired a few times with others (much to their apparent disgust at having to be unfaithful to their own Fighters) but the truth remained that I was just a spare. I would never, even once I was "officially" paired with some unlucky Sacrifice that hadn't yet found their mate, have a true bond with anyone.

Breathing in deeply, I leaned back in my uncomfortable chair, looking up at the bland ceiling where I couldn't see Ritsu-sensei's butterflies. Whenever I spent a long amount of time in my teacher's office, my thoughts always drifted back to when I had first arrived at Septimal Moon. Ritsu-sensei was busily working on some paperwork at his desk and I was sitting on the floor, crying and screaming for my mother. I knew she was dead. Ritsu-sensei had told me only moments ago, in his characteristically uncaring way. He had said that he would be taking care of me from then on and that I was to be strong and not think about my mother. To not think about what I had lost.

He then solemnly waited out my hysterical wailing.

The abrupt opening and quiet shutting of the office's door startled me out of my melancholy thoughts. I pulled myself up straight in my small, wooden chair as Ritsu-sensei casually slinked over to his heavy desk. He sat down and leaned forward with his elbows on the desk to address me.

"Soubi-kun, I have some very important news to tell you." His steely eyes were staring right into mine as he said it. I couldn't read his expression. It was the same stoic look he had always retained and that I will always remember him having. He was the epitome of cold stone and his true feelings were intangible. I can still dredge up the memory of his mien when I can't sleep at night.

"You're Sacrifice has been arranged for. He'll be coming next week." He said it flatly and it made me sick with anxiousness. "The boy's name is Seimei. You should be happy; I managed to acquire a very strong one for you. He's quite the prodigy."

I tried my best to suppress my mixed feelings, and keep them from invading my facial muscles. My body remained stiff and firmly rooted into the seat. The spots where my ears used to rest on my head began to burn. I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes and I wondered if he could see them. I wondered if he could see his reflection in my angry eyes.

"You…" My voice was a harsh rasp and I hated myself for sounding so weak. After all of his training I couldn't even manage to speak to him in a controlled way. I saw the stone of his face shift slightly into a barely noticeable, swift wince.

"So I'm finally going to have my own Sacrifice?" I congratulated myself for having put together the words; however they still didn't sound strong, like he taught me to speak.

"Well, no. It's only temporary, you know that." He was exasperated, and it leaked through his tone of voice. "Beloved, that's the boy's true name, is only using you until he finds his authentic, natural Fighter. You shouldn't forget that you're a spare. But you should be happy, now you can practice with a Sacrifice that will at least lay claim to you for a bit. With the both of you fighting, and sharing a name, you'll be much stronger. You'll have a chance to prove to everyone what you're truly capable of." I heard only a bit of the last things he said to me. I was still focusing on the way he worded the parts at the beginning…

You shouldn't forget that you're a spare…

I never did forget it for one second, ever since I had come to Septimal Moon. It made me so incredibly angry to hear that he thought I could forget that. After all this time, and all his praise…

A spare.

Those were still his only thoughts about me. Those were everyone's thoughts. But it was reality. And that was also the way that Beloved would view me.

"So that will be my name? Beloved?" I was in control now. My words had strength to carry them throughout the room. I was so calm when I spoke my head ached with the realization that I sounded just like my teacher. He had educated me well. I could never say how sick and ashamed our growing similarities made me.

"It's a bit ironic, isn't it?" I spat the last part out, sensing an infinitesimal loss of control because of the emotion finding its way out of me.

"I don't know what you mean. Why are you angry? Don't try to say you aren't, I can tell."

"Why am I angry? Maybe because…" There was the crack. I knew I couldn't hold on for too much longer. "Maybe because everyone in this entire school looks at me like I'm a monster!" I raised my arm in a sweeping motion as if the offenders were in the room with us, watching. Some days, when Ritsu-sensei had me in for one of our private sessions, I became sure that they were with us. I knew it because of the feverous blush that ran across my cheeks when he was touching me. When I was down on my hands and knees, him breathing hard behind me, thrusting in harshly as I let out an unwanted moan, I could sense every eye in the school on our filthy bodies.

"Maybe…" I gulped down my embarrassment and continued, "Maybe because you still refuse t-to even consider taking me on as your Fighter! Why?" The tears were racing down my face and I was leaning forward in my chair, all pretenses of stability gone, as I pleaded with him. Pleading for what, I still don't really know even though I thought, at the time, that I did.

"I'm good enough for you to fuck, but I can't share your name? When will I be good enough for you?" I just refused to believe, in my mind, that I was spewing these harshly worded and implicating things. I refused to believe that I had gone so far past the point of no return. Everything seemed so bare and open now. All of my emotions out there for him to see, and he was still the same as ever. Cold and unreadable.

"Nothing is that simple, Soubi-kun. You'll understand when you're older." With those simple words he had made it clear that this would be the end of that particular route of conversation. But I knew, in the back of my mind, why he wouldn't make me his.

It's because of my mother. It's…because…

"It's because of her…" I said it softly, even as my brain tried to stop me. He shot forward and grabbed me by the collar with his hands, fisting the material roughly and dragging me to meet him halfway over the desk.

I could barely breathe for how frightened I was. His eyes held the same look they had when he first brought me into this room for less than honorable intentions. He had taken my ears and tail that day with such force and pent up lust I had been bruised and sore for more than a week. I remembered the humiliation I felt but didn't dare show, when Nagisa-sensei confronted me when she saw I no longer had my ears. I knew that she was completely disgusted with my teacher for what he had done, but I couldn't help thinking that her distaste was directed at me as well. The other students began to shun me with pleasure.

"What did you say?" He had finally spoken, but he had said it so slowly and deliberately I felt like he was insulting my intelligence. He should have known that I understood about my mother…

I also knew that he had heard my statement so I didn't' utter another word. My teacher could be violent and ruthless when he was angered and I didn't want to risk my voice betraying me again.

"Not saying anything, huh?" His eyes, flitting over the exposed skin, drifted down to my half open shirt. He was only inches from my anxious face and soon closed the gap by pulling me further towards him to meet his lips. No matter how many times Ritsu-sensei kissed me I was always caught off guard by the hunger in the way he latched on to me. It was like he was trying to make me melt into him.

However, I knew that the abuse he subjected me to wasn't really meant for me at all. I had heard him, many times, mumble my mother's name. Besides, nothing I had ever done warranted the cruel way he raped and beat me. I knew that it wasn't my punishment that he was delving out. It was my mother's.

Every scar on my back was meant for whatever sins Ritsu-sensei felt my mother had committed. But my mother wasn't there anymore, so he tormented the next best thing. And still…

I wish he would just forget my mother…

Why can't he just see me?

"You should really stop questioning my authority, and bringing up useless conversation topics in the process." I knew that those words were a threat that I had better take to heart. He pushed me away from him, almost in loathing, and I went tumbling to the carpet.

"Never do it again, Soubi-kun." He said, implying the worst whipping I had ever gotten was to come if I didn't' adhere to his commands. I gave a quick nod. My voice was still unreliable. Ritsu-sensei set his jaw and began slowly walking out of his office. When he passed me I lowered my head in submission. I knew that if I hadn't, he would've seen it as a rebellious streak that needed to be thrashed out of me for the sake of my training as a Fighter. He had always drilled into me that the best Fighters had no will of their own, but were simply slaves to the whims of their Sacrifices.

I could hear the door closing, but then he paused to say, "Make sure you're ready for Beloved when he comes. And Soubi-kun, don't forget to be at my office tomorrow for training. I can see you haven't absorbed some of my lessons, so I'll have to teach them to you again."

"Yes sir." I didn't even bother to turn around or lift my head. In my mind, I could see the framed butterflies hanging above me, their bodies pinned right through the middle so their bright wings weren't harmed or disfigured. As the door slammed, I felt hot tears begin to flow down my cheeks and I cursed myself for being so weak.