wHERE IS THE ARCHIVE FOR THIS BOOK?

701 words by google docs

I miss you.

It's wrong, Griff. I shouldn't miss you. Fuck, Griff. I miss you and I miss your face and I miss your appearance.

Fuck. That's only three reasons and I know you wouldn't roll with that. One second.

I miss those kisses.

There, that's four.

You know the kisses. The butterfly, the caveman, the Eskimo, the zombie. I miss you here and I miss you kissing me like that.

Which isn't fair at all, because Jackson is sitting right beside me, next to my bed. I'm somehow on his left, which feels slightly wrong. I belong on the right. You belong on the left, but you're not here, so…

I do love Jack, though. Don't misunderstand me, please. You broke up with me and I have every right to move on and love someone else. Of course, you have every right to hate me for that. You have the right to hate me down to my heart, but at the end of the day, it's him in my bed. Not you. I'm sorry. I really am. I loved you too, Griff.

Why'd…?

I lean my head onto Jack's shoulder and try to push you out of my head. It's not an easy task. It never is. We're sitting on the floor, heads against my bed, just listening to the silence of my single dorm room. I don't think either of us are used to having no one bust in at any moment. It's liberating. I could fuck Jack on the floor in front of the door and not even worry if Manuel will be coming back from some party.

Right now, though, I just want to kiss him. So I do. I kiss Jack and it's kind of messy because Jack is a sloppy kisser. I'm not even going to lie. He kisses like a little kid eats pasta, noodles in their hair and sauce on their fingers.

You were more tender, more soft and caring. And there I go again, thinking about you. Why can't I get you out of my damn head?

I pull away from Jack and he looks disappointed. I'm slightly disappointed in myself, if I'm being honest. It was a nice kiss. It was messy, but nice. I like Jack's messy kisses.

But I don't want his messy kisses. I want your kisses. The four kisses. I want them so badly, Griff.

"You okay?" Jack whispers, his breath hitting my nose. I nod, pulling him closer so that our chests are touching.

"Okay, Jack, this is a really stupid thing," I start, staring straight into his hazel eyes, "but I just…"

I lean my head closer and move my head so my eyelashes swipe against his.

"This is a butterfly kiss," I breathe to him. I do it again, and he follows my lead, a small smile on his face. I move my hand to the back of his head and tilt it so it's touching my forehead. "This is a caveman kiss," I tell him, smiling back. I rub my nose against his nose, trying to do it as smoothly as possible, but I always sucked at this one. You know that. "This is an Eskimo kiss."

I hesitate before the last one. The one we made. I shouldn't be doing this, I know, because this is our thing. I shouldn't be sharing this with Jack. I just want some of that magic that we had here. There's some type of magic with Jack, but not the same.

Still, I stopped at three. I need to make it a round number. If there's one thing you taught me, it's that odd numbers suck.

"This is a zombie kiss," I say before sucking at his cheek, letting a little growl out of me. He laughs, and it's a nice laugh but…

It's not you, Griff. I know you'll kill me if you find out that I let someone else in on our thing. I just need this. With you. But I know that we both made the choice to not have that.

I push that all out, though, kissing Jack normally, trying to suppress a sigh that's building up in me.

I miss you.