Fade in
(Everybody and the guest is packing boxes into the back of a double length semi)
Laurie (closing door): Is that everything?
(Jason runs up from behind and flings himself at the door)
Jason: No, No my frying pan is in there (claws at door). I WANT MY FRYING PAN!!!!!!!
(Dan comes up grabs Jason and pulls him back)
Dan: Why do we have to take him and Mike along? I won't be able to keep my sanity riding with Jason for 14 hours.
Laurie: The sponsor wants us to take him, and as for Mike, we're taking him along as insurance if one of our guests don't show up, and I've got an idea about how we can take care of Jason (picks up a large amount of rope). Dan, go and put Jason on the roof. Kim, Rachel, Bob, and I 'll take care of the rest.
(Dan nods and drags Jason away from the group kicking and screaming. He climbs up the side of the semi)
Jason (leaving claw marks in the side): NO STOP! I WANT MY FRYING PAN!!!!
Dan (off camera): You'll get something all right.
Laurie (off camera): Hold him still will ya. This has to be tight to work!
Bob (off camera): You wanna do this? Rachel are you blind, use a square knot. Not a slip knot!
Rachel (off camera): If you don't shut up I'll tie you in a square knot! Kim pass me the rope, I need to tie his ankles down.
Kim (off camera): Hold on, I've got to get his waist tied down first. Ouch, somebody cut his nails before I cut off his hands!
Mike (looking up): Are they actually planing on leaving him on the roof?
Elizabeth (to Mike): Do you want to ride with him like that for 14 hours?
Mike: I see your point.
Kelly: That looks good guys.
(Dan, Kim, Laurie, Bob and Rachel climb down)
Dan (claps hands): Okay, Jason's been restrained, the semi's all gassed up, and we've got 14 hours worth of junk food, music, and iced cappuccinos. Let's go!
(Everyone jumps off the cargo bay platform and gets into the semi. Dan slides into the drivers seat)
Laurie (sticks her head out of the window): Lock your doors and count the silver, Table Talk's goin' to Electro City!
Fade out
Fade in.
(Dan is griping the steering wheel; his eyes are blood shot he looks like he's about ready to kill someone. Rachel, Bob, Kelly and Mike are sleeping in the back. Elizabeth is listening to her CD's while Kim is looking at a map; Laurie is trying to help her navigate)
Laurie (pulling map away from Kim): Let me see that thing. I think we missed the turnoff.
Dan: Any idea what interstate we're on?
Laurie (face hidden by map): Yeah, according to this we're on the blue train (droops map). Wait a sec, Kim this is a New York City subway map, not a road map (hits Kim over the head with it)!
Kim: Bob gave me the map.
Laurie (chucks map at Bob): Wake up you dumb cluck! You gave us the wrong figgen MAP!
Bob (sleepy): *yawn* What is it now?
Laurie: Are you thick, you gave Kim the wrong map!
Bob: I got the map from Kelly.
(Laurie goes to strangle Kelly but Kim holds her back)
Dan (looking out): Guys, look out your rear view mirror and tell me what you see.
Kim (looking out): I see a lot of sparkly stuff…like snow or glitt…
Dan (slamming onto breaks): JASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jason falls off the top of the semi and onto the road in front of the semi).
Jason (falling): Weeeee
(Dan and Laurie jump out of the semi. Jason has somehow gotten out of his restraints and is throwing glitter behind him).
Jason (throwing glitter into the air): Be happy, the Frying Pan Fairy is here.
Laurie: Jason you freak! I'm gonna make you eat that glitter.
Jason (throwing glitter at them): Be happy.
Dan: Jason, drop the bag before I drop kick you.
(Jason throws more glitter into air and begins to dance around them)
Dan: Wanna try a Statue of Liberty Move?
Laurie: *shrugs* Sure.
(Dan and Laurie launch themselves at Jason. There's an explosion of glitter, when it clears we see Jason is strapped down to the hood of the semi with chains and duct tape. The bag of glitter is over his head).
Bob: Well at least now we can keep an eye on him.
Kim: What happened?
Dan: Noting just a little fairy problem.
Mike (looking off to right): Fairy Boy is the least of our problems. How are we gonna explain a sudden traffic jam to the cops?
(Everybody looks to the right, all cars for about ten miles have stopped, people have gotten out of their cars and are looking strangely at the group)
Dan: Crap! Well I'm not explaining it to the cops.
Elizabeth (slowly backing up): Lest just get back into the semi and make like this never happened.
(Everybody gets back into the semi and leave)
Fade out
Fade in
(The semi pulls up to a rest stop, everybody gets out and looks around)
Dan: How much further is it? I'm not sure I can keep my eyes open for the next five minutes.
Kim: Adding any more stops we make, I'd say we still have a good 6 or 7 hours left on the road.
(Everybody lets out a moan of complaint)
Laurie (hyper): I can't take it any more! Dan drives like a damn slug; we'll be there by 9PM if you let me drive.
Bob: Yeah we will, but we'll be in body bags.
Kelly: I think all that caffeine is starting to kick in, get the straight jacket!
Laurie: Oh shut up! I'm a great driver.
Kim (under her breath): Yeah for the demolition derby.
Mike (poking at Jason): Should we wake him up?
(Dan goes into the semi and comes out with a bottle of water)
Dan (pouring water over his head): Wakey, wakey Fairy Boy.
Jason: Hey, I'm all wet.
Elizabeth: We already knew that.
Rachel: We better get going if you want to get to Electro City by midnight.
Laurie: I'm driving.
Dan: Good maybe I can get some sleep.
Kim: Yeah, but you'll never wake up.
Mike: We're all dead aren't we?
(Everyone nods)
Laurie (arms crossed over chest): The only one who's gonna be dead is you is you don't shut your pie hole in the next five seconds!
Mike: I'll shut up now.
Dan: Come on, let's go.
(Everyone piles back into the semi. As Laurie get into the drivers seat everyone pulls out a helmet and put it on)
Kelly (snapping chinstrap): Everybody remember to put their seat belt on!
Jason: Umm guys, what about me? You aren't going to leave me out here while she's driving are you?
Mike (sticking his head out of the window): Let's just say this Jason, we hope you have clean underwear on.
Laurie (turning ignition): Hold on to your lunches folks, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
(Laurie puts the pedal to the floor. She pulls out of the rest stop so fast that tire marks are left behind).
Jason: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fade out
Fade in
(The semi is pulled over to the side of the road. A cop car is parked behind them with its lights on. The cop gets out and walks up to the semi)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over miss?
Laurie: No officer I don't
Cop (pulls out booklet): You were going 85 in a 65 zone, failure to yield at a cross walk, failure to stop for a red light at an intersection, not stopping for and running over a stop sign. I'm gonna need to see your license and registration.
Laurie (handing him license and registration): Hey I never saw that stop sign.
Kelly: You may wanna check the grill it could still be there.
Cop (writing ticket): Have I seen you before? Hey, ain't you the cast of that crazy talk show Table Talk?
Kim: Yeah.
Laurie: How very astute of you. What tipped ya off the big, bold, black print on the side of the semi that says Table Talk? Or the fairy tied down to hood?
Bob (hissing): Don't piss him off Laurie, we could get out of this ticket if we play it smart.
Laurie: What does it look I'm doing?
Cop: Becky and I just love watching you guys. Hey could you all autograph my ticket book please?
Laurie (taking it): Sure
(Laurie scribbles down her name and passes it around to the rest of the group)
Cop: Thanks, the guys back at the station won't believe me when I tell them that I actually pulled over the cast of Table Talk.
Kim (smiling): You're welcome officer.
Officer (getting down): You drive careful now.
Laurie (turning ignition): I will.
(Laurie pulls out onto the high way again)
Kim: I can't believe you kept your cool, and you're actually diving within the speed limit.
Bob: We might just get to Electro City in one piece after all.
Laurie: Have you guys ever heard the saying 'why the cat is away, the mouse shall play'?
Kim: No.
Laurie: Well your gonna find out (floors the pedal).
Fade out
Fade in
(The semi pulls up besides the studio. Everybody gets out and begins to kiss the ground, happy to be alive)
Bob: Solid ground, thank you God! OH thank you.
Elizabeth: On the way home can we search the side of I90, I think I left my stomach back there.
Mike: Along with my colon.
Kim: Rachel remind me never to eat before I get into a vehicle with Laurie at the wheel.
Rachel (holding stomach): Only if you do the same for me.
Dan: What's with everyone? I feel fine.
Bob: Dan were you sleeping while Laurie was driving?
Dan: Yeah, but what's that got to do with it?
Kim: Dan you can sleep through a 22-megaton bomb if you can sleep through Laurie's driving, which is just as deadly.
(Dan scratches his head confused)
Kelly: I think something's wrong with Jason, he's not moving.
(Jason is still strapped to the hood of the semi. His eyes and mouth are wide open like he's screaming, and his hair is sticking on end)
Dan: Nothing's wrong, he's just scared stiff that's all.
Kelly (looking closer): Ewww, he's got bugs in his teeth.
(At the sound of this news everyone but Laurie, Dan, and a catatonic Jason run over to a nearby trash dumpster and bring up the contents of their stomachs)
Dan (looking around): I wonder where the moving crew is, they were supposed to meet us here right?
Laurie: I don't know, Kim's the one who set it up, not me (looks over at Jason). You wanna wake him up?
Dan: Sure.
(Dan goes back into the semi; he comes out with a bottle of water and a key. He unlocks the chains and pours the water over Jason's head)
Jason (puts hand to mouth): What the… I've got bugs in my teeth, WHERE'S THE WOUTWASH!!!!
(Dan and Laurie point to the semi's cab, Jason jumps up and runs into the semi. Kim and the rest walk back over to them)
Kim: So what are we supposed to do, carry all the equipment up ourselves or is the moving crew gonna get here and help us?
Dan: How should I know, you're the one who set this up.
Kim (shaking head): I was too busy getting the appointment for us to meet our sponsor so I told Elizabeth to do it.
(Everybody turns to Elizabeth who just shrinks back, suddenly she smiles)
Elizabeth (pointing off to right): There they are.
Bob (looking off right): Are you sure that's them?
Elizabeth: It's got to be them, why else would they be here?
Rachel: Well go and ask.
Elizabeth: No, if they aren't I'll feel like a total idiot.
Dan: And the difference from the way us usually feel would be?
Laurie (throwing hands into air): God have mercy! I'll ask them, but you're coming with me (grabs Elizabeth's hand).
Mike (as they're walking away): Are you sure they're the movers? They look like they're trying to break in.
Bob: We'll find out soon enough.
Laurie (hands on her hips): Are you two the movers?
(The two look at her confused. They're wearing similar red and black blazers, white slacks, and shoes that match the blazers. One's tall with black hair, while the other is shorter with lemon blonde hair and has a black diamond shaped tattoo over his right eye)
Spade: Get lost kid, we're workin' here.
Laurie (ticked): Hey, look you two! We need our stuff unloaded from the semi and into our set.
Diamond: Who are you to be…
Laurie (grabbing him by the collar): Look! I'm in no mood to screw around! I've been driving for 6 hours, and I'm about to crash from one serious caffeine high. So if you and your partner even want to think about seeing another day of work you'll help! Or can't you understand me because all that peroxide has gone to your brain?
(Spade and Diamond blink back at her not quite believing that she's being this blunt with them)
Spade: Do ya even know who ya're dealing with kid?
Laurie: I know that you two will both be in some serious pain if you don't empty that semi in the next two hours. And I don't like being called kid!
Elizabeth (nervous smile): I'd do what's she's says (tuns to Laurie). Hey Laurie do you have the keys to the film vault? We're gonna need it if we want to start filming tomorrow.
Laurie: Yeah (tuns back to Diamond). So are you gonna help or not?
(Both of them nod, as she let's him go Diamond brushes himself off and walks over to the semi, Spade follows shortly behind, they begin to unload the semi)
Spade: Umm Diamond, how are we gonna explain to the boss that we didn't get the tape?
Diamond (annoyed): We're not going to tell him.
Spade: But…
Diamond: Just shut up and carry! I've got a plan.
(Laurie satisfied walks back over to the group)
Mike: Are you sure they're the moving crew? They look a little too dressed up for doing this kinda work.
Rachel: They're just trying to give us a warm welcome.
Bob (looks at Elizabeth): Hey Elizabeth do you know where we'll be sleeping?
(Elizabeth doesn't seem to be paying attention to him, she's looking off to the right, her mouth slightly open)
Bob (waving his hand in front of her face): Elizabeth, earth to Elizabeth. Hey snap out of it!
Elizabeth: Huh…what? Bob, by any chance, do you have a quarter on you?
Bob: No, why?
Elizabeth (sighing): Because I need to call God and tell him one of his angels is down on earth.
Bob (smacking forehead with hand): Oh no!
Fade out
Fade in.
(Everybody is at the new set; Elizabeth is still drooling over one of the 'moving guys')
Dan (looking at her): What's with Elizabeth?
Bob: She's been struck by Cupid's arrow.
Kim: How sweet, who's the lucky guy?
Bob: One of the moving crew.
(There's a crash heard off to the left making them all look in that direction)
Spade (off stage): Sorry!
Diamond (off stage): You moron, look where your going!
Laurie (off stage): You bust one more of those lights and I'm gonna bust your head!
(She walk to the group not looking very happy)
Laurie: Talk about a pair of dim bulbs, I've seen cheep suites with higher IQ's.
Elizabeth: Do you always have to be so judgmental?
Laurie: What crawled up your shorts?
Elizabeth (sighing): You wouldn't understand (Elizabeth looks off into space wrapping her hair around her finger).
Dan (old English accent): Our Elizabeth has been smitten by one of the moving crew over yonder.
Laurie (shaking head): That's, that's just plan unnatural.
Rachel: Has she said which one?
Mike: No, but we're taking bets, blondie is favored 3to1, and the other dude is 12to1
Laurie: Put me down, $2 dollars on blondie, and $2 on Mr. One Brain Celled.
Bob (scribbling down on pad): Gotcha (puts pad pack in pocket). So where'll we be sleeping?
(Before she can answer Spade and Diamond walk over to them)
Diamond: Everything's been moved; now if you could just give us the keys to the film vault we'll be gone.
Spade: And where do ya want this to go (holds up frying pan)?
Rachel: Oh crap!
Jason (off set): Drop that pan you fiend!
Spade (turning around): What?
(Jason comes running out of right stage and yanks the frying pan out of Spade's hand).
Jason (to frying pan): Did he hurt you Fluffy?
Diamond: He named the pan Fluffy?
Dan: That's a new one to us.
(Jason rocks the pan in his arms like a baby, everyone else looks on afraid)
Bob: Jason's finally cracked his coconut.
Dan: Get the shackles.
(Jason suddenly turns and looks at them, he has a sadistic glare in his eyes)
Kim: Okay, if we don't move he may not attack.
Diamond: Screw the damned tape! I'm getting out of this friggen nut house.
(He and Spade run out of the set, Jason sees this and runs after them screaming something about how they will never be able to take Fluffy)
Elizabeth (getting up): Jason, if you even think about hurting my angel I'll turn you into fairy dust (runs after him).
Rachel: She's got it bad.
Bob: They've both gone nuts!
Dan (cracking knuckles): We better go and save the moving crew, I don't want to get sued my fist night here.
Mike (laughing): Yeah we're gonna save that for our second of third.
(Everybody runs off the set after them. A few moments latter they return, Dan is dragging an unconscious Jason and Elizabeth behind him)
Mike: Exhibit #2 why I don't think those guys were the moving crew. How many movers know judo?
Laurie: I don't really care, as I see it now if we don't all get some major sleep we won't be able to do the show tomorrow.
Rachel (sarcastic): That would be such a tragedy.
Laurie: I call bibs on the couch.
Dan: Hey, no fare!
Kim: I can't sleep on the floor.
Laurie: Deal with it!
Kim: Remember we get to meet our sponsor tomorrow.
Bob: So lets get ready then.
(Everybody walks off set, they come back on dressed in their PJ's. Each is carrying a sleeping bag and pillow)
Dan (looking at Jason and Elizabeth): What are we gonna do about them?
Bob: I've gotta idea but I'm gonna need your help Dan.
(The two walk off dragging Elizabeth and Jason behind them. The sounds of soddering, welding, sawing, and hammering are heard off set. They come back pulling a strange metal contraption behind them. Jason and Elizabeth are hanging upside down by their feet)
Rachel: Won't that cause the blood to rush to their heads?
Dan: Any blood to their heads would be a first.
Kim: Let's get some sleep, I feel like I'm gonna crash any second.
Mike: I concur.
(Everybody goes over to their sleeping bags and crawl in)
Dan: Night everybody
Kim: Night…
Laurie: Just go to sleep damn it!
(Bob claps his hands twice and the lights go off).
Bob (though the dark): Ah the wonders of modern technology.
Fade out.
Fade in.
(Everybody is now awake except for Elizabeth and Jason who are still hanging upside down in the metal contraption. A line starting with Kelly and ending with Bob is waiting outside a closed door)
Kelly: When's Laurie coming out of the bathroom we all need to use it!
Dan (banging on the door): This is notice of your eviction, get out of the bathroom Laurie, the rest of us still need to use it.
Laurie (behind door): Can it! I got in here first!
Kim: Well the rest of us need to take a shower, and I hope you left us some hot water.
Laurie (swinging open door and running out): JASON I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!
(Kim runs into the bathroom just as Kelly is about to walk in and slams the door shut behind her. Laurie takes Jason by the collar of his shirt and starts shaking him, which wakes Elizabeth)
Mike: What'd he do now?
Laurie (shaking Jason): He put all of his goddamn fairy dust in my suitcase, my clothes are covered in it.
Jason: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Laurie: You're gonna be dead when I get done with you!
Kelly: Calm down.
Bob: This is Laurie you're talking too, she never calms down.
Rachel: Can't you just wash them.
Laurie: In time to meet with the sponsor, I think not.
Kelly: Do you have anything that's clean then?
Laurie: Only my green camouflage army pants and black shirt.
Dan: Well you're just gonna have to wear that, the sponsor will understand that when you ask us to come another city your just asking for trouble.
(Laurie stops shaking Jason and walks off set)
Jason (head whirling): Look at all the pretty stars.
Elizabeth: Hey, why are you guys standing on the ceiling?
(Everybody standing around them groans and slaps their forehead with their hands, Laurie walks back onto the set dressed in the green camo army pants and black long sleeve shirt)
Laurie (grumbling): I feel like I'm in the army.
Bob (singing): In the navy, yes you can sail the seven seas…
Dan (smacking Bob upside the head): Wrong department block head, and anyway she'd be a Marine.
Laurie (smacking Dan in the back of the head): I'm not going to be either (she looks down at her watch). Well we better get going; we've got to meet our sponsor.
Kelly: Not before I have a shower.
Laurie (raises an eyebrow): You know guys, there are more bathrooms on the second floor.
Mike: There's a second floor?
Laurie: Yeah, didn't you know that?
Bob: No, now where's the second floor.
(Everybody looks at him like he's a complete idiot).
Laurie: The stairs are right over there (points off to the left).
(Everybody in the room makes a mad dash for the stairs, when they have all have passed we see Laurie sprawled out on the floor)
Laurie (coughs up dust): Maybe next time I should move.
Fade out
Fade in.
(Everybody's crammed into the van. Kim is once again trying to navigate and Dan is driving).
Kim (behind map): Okay if we make a left turn at the next intersection we should be there.
Dan: Right.
Kim: No, left.
Dan: Right, that's what I said.
Bob (from the back seat): Here we go again.
Kim: No turn left.
Dan: We turn left, right.
Kim: Yeah.
Dan: Right.
Kim: No left.
Dan: Which is it! Right or left!
Kim: Left.
Dan: Okay left it is.
Kim: NOW!
(Dan takes the curb so sharply that the people on the right slam everyone on the left side of the van against the widow. Pulling up in font of a large building, they crawl out again happy to still be alive)
Mike: I'm navigating next time.
Laurie: And you say my driving is bad. At least I got us here in one piece.
Bob: Yeah, but my stomach and liver switched places.
Laurie: Oh stop complaining, look at it this way. If you're shot in the liver your liver can grow back.
Bob: Great, now I am ordering that kevlar vest.
Dan: Quit it. So Kim, where do we go from here?
Kim: Into that building where else?
(Everyone looks up at the building, it's quite large, and at the top there's a golden figure with its arms stretched out to the sky. Between the figures hands are four holograms of the playing card suits [heart, club, spade, and diamond])
Bob (still looking up): *whistle* Whoa, what's this place called?
Kim: It's the Croesus Palace, our sponsor owns it.
Mike: And what's his name, Bill Gates?
Kim: Nope, it's Jack Malone.
Dan: Why does that name give me a bad feeling, and how come it sound's so familiar?
Kelly: How should I know, you've probably heard Kim say it a couple of times.
Elizabeth: This is so cool.
Laurie: Come on guys we can admire the architecture latter.
(The group walks into the casino and begin to look around a tall older man walks over to them)
Clockwise: Who are you and what are you doing here?
Kim: We're here to see Mr. Malone about him coming onto our show since he sponsored us to be here.
Clockwise: I don't remember him saying anything about that.
Kim: This is the Croesus Palace isn't it?
Clockwise: It is, but I…
Laurie: Then he knows we're here. Look pencil neck, we've got a job to do.
Clockwise: Who is she?
Dan: Resident psycho for the crew of Table Talk
Laurie: I'm also the writer.
Bob: I'm the director.
Kim: I'm the makeup artist.
Rachel: I'm the camera gal.
Kelly: I'm the lighting director.
Jason: I'm the computer guy.
Elizabeth: I'm the co-host.
Dan: And I'm the host. Together we make up the highest rated show on public access know as…
Everyone: Table Talk (each of them strikes a corny pose)!
Clockwise (looking over at Mike): What's he then?
Mike: I'm the insurance.
Clockwise: Okay, if you'll hold on a second, and I'll get somebody to take care of you.
(He looks off to his left and makes a 'come here' motion with his had. Spade and Diamond walk over to them).
Diamond: Oh crap! What did you do follow us?
Laurie: Doing a bit of moonlighting?
Elizabeth (smiles): Angel!
Spade: OH GOD KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME (runs away from the group)!
Elizabeth (chasing after him): Playing hard to get, I like that in a guy.
Laurie (holds out open hand): Pay up Bob!
Bob (pulls out wallet and looks inside): Do you take a check?
Laurie: In God I trust all others pay cash.
Bob (pulls out a Twenty and a five): Anybody got five ones?
Diamond: Let me check (pulls out wallet and looks inside). Yeah I got it (hands Bob five ones).
Bob (hands him $5bill and accepts the five ones): Thanks (hands Laurie the twenty and two ones). You happy now?
Laurie (putting money in pocket): Yep!
Spade (off camera): What have I done to deserve this? Please someone get her away from me!
Elizabeth (off camera): Don't runaway Angel, I just want to take you home to meet my parents.
Clockwise (looking off to the left): What's wrong with her?
Dan: Elizabeth? Oh nothing. She's just got a crush on what's his name.
Diamond: Spade?
Dan: *shrugs* Whatever.
Diamond (eyebrow has nervous twitch): How can someone have a crush on him? It's just unnatural.
Laurie: That's what I said.
Diamond: Me on the other hand, I've got to beat the girls off with a stick.
Kim (sarcastically): I bet you do.
Diamond: I do, just ask…
Laurie: Oh shut up and bring us to Mr. Malone.
Diamond: You know, you've got one heck of a bad attitude
Laurie: Tell me something I don't know. So, are you going to take us to Mr. Malone?
(Diamond looks over at Clockwise who just shrugs not knowing what to do)
Clockwise (rubbing back of his neck): I don't know, I guess he could have sponsored them to come, I think he had a little too much Chianti at the party last week.
Diamond: I knew that was strange when he asked me for the TV Guide when he wanted to order a mercenary to take out Cooper. So I should just take them up there?
Clockwise: I guess, what harm can they do they're just a bunch of kids.
Rachel: Oh great! You did now.
Clockwise: What?
(Laurie reaches out and grabs Clockwise by his tie. She isn't looking too happy).
Laurie: What did you call us?
Clockwise (gagging): I called you a bunch of kids.
Laurie: I don't like being called kid.
Clockwise: I'm sorry, I didn't mean any offence by it, really.
Laurie (lets him go): I should hope not.
(Just then Spade who is still being chased by Elizabeth runs past them. Dan reaches out and grabs Elizabeth holding her back)
Dan: Down girl, down.
Elizabeth: Angel don't leave.
Spade (off camera): For the last time, my name's not angel ya crazy dame.
(At that moment two more men join the group. One has black hair with 3 streaks of white to it. He's wearing a purple tux and cape; the pants have a line of gold down the side. The other one has wild orange hair that's held up with a blue headband; he's wearing a yellow and orange ski jacket, red-orange pants, and a red and yellow shirt)
Diamond (surprised): Cooper, what are you doing here!
Ace: I came here to see Mona's new show (looks over at group). Are these two bothering you?
Dan: More like we're bothering them.
Kelly: We're fine, but thanks for your concern sir.
Ace: Are you sure? You can't be too careful with them.
Laurie: We're fine cape boy, so could you kindly get lost.
Jason: Should we worry that you're wearing purple?
Cosmo: Hey watch, who you're talking too, do you even know who he is?
Laurie (pushing Cosmo back as she talks): No, and you know what I could really care less. So why don't you and Mr. I screwed up my bleach job leave! This is a privet party.
Kim (looking at Ace): Who are you anyway?
Ace: I'm Ace Cooper.
Bob: Never heard of you. What do you do?
(Everybody but the cast of Table Talk give him an odd look)
Cosmo: Where have you been for the past 12 years, under a rock?
Rachel: No, we're from out of town.
Cosmo: Where's out of town, Venus?
Laurie (smacks him upside the head): Shut up (looks at hand and begins to shake it). Good God, how much hair spray and moose do you use?
Cosmo: Half a bottle of each, plus a quarter tube of holding gel.
Laurie: Someone call 20/20 and tell them I've found the reason for the ozone being depleted.
Clockwise: Ace Cooper meet the cast of Table Talk. Cast of Table Talk, meet Ace Cooper, a royal pain in the backside.
Ace: Same to you Clockwise. I'm Ace Cooper The Magician.
Dan: Would you like to be on the show?
Ace: What show would that be?
Dan (hitting forehead with hand): Is everybody around here dense or is it just me?
Kim: It's just you. Don't mind him Mr. Cooper. The show we do is called Table Talk maybe you've heard of us.
Ace: No, I haven't.
Kim: Oh.
Bob: So what's your decision Mr. Cooper, will you come onto our show?
Ace (looks over at Laurie): I'm not sure, I've never been insulted so many times by one person in a span of ten minutes.
Dan: Don't worry, that's just Laurie's way of saying that she's glad to meet you.
Laurie: No it's no….
Rachel (claming hand over Laurie's mouth): Don't listen to her Mr. Cooper. She's still on her caffeine high from last night…Owwwww (lets go of Laurie).
Kelly: What happened?
Rachel (surprised): She bit me!
Laurie (gasping): I could barely breath what did you expect?
Mike: So that's how you got the nickname vampire.
Laurie (flashes him a smile showing her k-9 teeth): That and demon.
Kelly: You could have asked nicely.
Dan: Nice isn't in her vocabulary.
Laurie: I didn't even break the skin.
Rachel (hysterical): I'm going to need the rabies series now!
Bob: Oh for the love of Saint Peter, she's had all of her shots.
Dan (shakes her a few times): Get a hold of yourself woman.
Rachel (blinks): Thanks Dan, I needed that.
(Ace, Diamond, Clockwise, and Cosmo watch the cast of Table Talk not really knowing what to think)
Cosmo: They're totally nuts.
Diamond: For once kid, we agree on something.
Ace: Um, I think it's time we should be going (he and Cosmo start to back up).
Jason: Oh no you don't you two are gonna be on our show if it kills you.
Cosmo: And it may just do that.
Kim: No seriously, please come onto the show tomorrow evening. I think it would be good publicity.
Ace: I get all the good publicity I need from battling the forces of evil in the city.
Dan: Then it'll be good for the ratings (gets down onto knees). Please, please, please say you'll come onto the show.
Ace (looks nervous): I guess it wouldn't hurt to be on the show, but only if Cosmo is also given a spot.
Bob: I think we can swing that.
Ace: What time should we be there then?
Kim: 7:35 sharp.
Ace: We'll see you then.
(Ace and Cosmo leave the group)
Kim (to Clockwise): Well Tell Mr. Malone that he's got a welcome spot on the show for tonight if he wants to.
Clockwise: I'll let him know.
Elizabeth: If you can get him to do that, do you think you can make him give Angel the night off?
Clockwise (moving back): I'm not quite sure on that.
Elizabeth: But you'll try right?
Clockwise (nervous): Yeah, I'll try.
Elizabeth (jumping up and down): Oh goodie, angel gets to be on the show.
Laurie (stopping her from jumping anymore): Take a cold shower!
Kim: Well we better get going, if we want to get the set ready for tonight. Thank you for your time.
Laurie: I'm driving.
Everybody: Oh no your NOT!
Clockwise (to Diamond as cast is leaving): By any chance are they at Rolmizer studios?
Diamond: Yeah, they're the reason we weren't able to get that tape, well actually it was that little brunet brat in the army pants.
Clockwise: You know what do, right?
Diamond (reaches into jacket and pulls out gun): Yeah, I know.
Fade out
Fade in.
(The cast is back in the set and is busy trying to get it ready for the show tonight)
Bob: Move the desk a bit more over to the right you guys. It has to be centered.
Dan (lifting it along with Laurie): When did we get a desk?
Bob: Elizabeth wanted one so she could sit next to whatever his name is by herself if he's going to be on the show.
Elizabeth (off stage): His name's Spade!
Bob (shaking head): Spade, how could you name your kid that?
Dan: How should I know.
Laurie: His mother could have hated him.
Elizabeth (walks over and smacks Laurie upside the head with script): Don't badmouth my angel.
Laurie (rubbing head): Elizabeth, do what I said before and take a cold shower. This show has only a PG-13 rating.
Elizabeth: Actually, this show is going to have an M rating for tonight.
Kim: Oh great, well I guess my parents aren't going to be watching.
Jason: Does that mean we can swear?
Rachel: What stopped us from swearing before?
Mike: I don't know, every time I watched you guys back home every other word was a swear word.
Laurie: But it wasn't like in Star Ship Troopers.
Jason: She has a point.
Bob: Well whatever rating we have can we please try to keep it clean.
Dan: I'll try but I can't grantee anything with miss lover girl over here (points at Elizabeth with thumb).
Elizabeth: I'm going to get ready (walks off stage right).
Kelly: Hold on I'll help (walks off after Elizabeth).
Laurie: I'm going to get a few things ready too (walks of stage center and grabs Jason) But first I'm going to put you away for safe keeping.
Jason (off stage): Broom closet here I come.
Bob (stepping back and looking at everything): This looks good people, now let's get on with the show.
Fade out
Fade in
(Only the blue and red lights come up. Dan is sitting behind the desk; Elizabeth is nowhere to be seen)
Dan: Could we get the lights on right for once?
Kelly (off stage): Go soak your head!
Dan: Right after you *bleep*.
Bob (off stage): Hey, what did I say about the *bleep* language?
Laurie (off stage): Shut up and get on with the damn show, or I'm gonna keal hull all three of you!
Dan (blinking in surprise): Well, sure since you put it that way, let's start with the show (turns to camera). Hello and welcome to Table Talk. I'm your host Dan Wilson; I have no idea where my co-host is.
(Elizabeth just then runs onto the stage, her hair is done up into a French twist and she has on a blue dress, she sits on the couch and smiles at the camera)
Dan: Playing dress up?
Elizabeth: No, angel is just coming onto the show. Hey why are only the red in blue lights on?
Kelly (off stage): We're working on that, you two just get on with the show.
Laurie (off stage/hitting the light board): Work already you stupid piece of crap!
(The green and yellow lights come up creating white).
Dan: Well at least now I can read the cards. Okay tonight's guest was supposed be our sponsor Mr. Jack Malone, but I just got a call from his secretary saying that he couldn't come. So instead his two bodyguards will be our guest for this evening, everyone please welcome (looks down at cards). You're kidding me; these are their real names!
Elizabeth: Just read the stupid cards.
Dan: Okay, please welcome Spade and Diamond.
(The two walk out onto the stage, and sit down on the couch)
Elizabeth: Welcome to Table Talk.
Diamond: It wasn't our choice to come here.
Dan: Well you're here now, so lets all make the best of it.
Elizabeth (moving closer to Spade): I know I am.
Spade (moving away): Help.
Dan: May I ask a question?
Diamond: I guess.
Dan: What's with your names did your parents hate you or something?
Spade: No, we picked that best fit our personalities.
Kim (off stage): Lets see, your slow, big, and blunt. Yeah I'd say Spade fits you quite well.
Elizabeth (moving closer): I think it's perfect for him.
Dan (to Diamond): What about you?
Diamond: A diamond's a girl's best friend isn't it?
Dan: I wouldn't know, I've never had a girlfriend.
Laurie (off stage): A diamond may be a girl's best friend, but you are defiantly no diamond.
Diamond: Go and take a long walk off a short pier.
Laurie (off stage): Not before you jackass.
Diamond: Showing me your intelligence aren't you?
Laurie (off stage): vaffanculo, voi asino!
(Diamonds face turns bright red and he gives her a nasty look, Dan looks at him and raises and eyebrow)
Dan: What did she just say?
Diamond: You don't want to know.
Spade (falls off couch): Maybe I should stand.
Elizabeth: Oh sit down.
Spade: Not with ya there, ya nutty broad.
(Suddenly a crash is head off stage, everyone turns and looks off to the right)
Jason (off stage): How dare you come back to try and to take fluffy!
Diamond: Oh no, not again. Look you idiot, we just came onto this….
Jason (off stage): I shall not allow you to take Fluffy!
Diamond (taking gun out of jacket): I'll take care of that stupid little pan!
(Diamond lets off six rounds; Jason who has jumped onto the stage blocks each shot with the frying pan)
Jason: Hahahahaha, this pan is Teflon coated, your silly bullets have no effect (Jason runs over to Diamond and hits him over the head). My pan on the other hand has an effect on you.
Spade (looking up): Thank ya God.
(He picks up Diamond and they run out of the set)
Elizabeth (choking Jason): Look at what you've done now you stupid fairy!
Laurie (runs up onto stage): Don't worry Jason, I'll pick up where you left off. Hey ready or not, here comes Psycho Chick (runs after the two).
Dan (trying to break Elizabeth and Jason apart): We'll be right back.
Fade out
Fade in
(Mike is dressed up like Qui-Gon Jinn in a set the looks suspiciously like the generator room in Star Wars Episode I).
Mike: What's this skit about?
Dan (off stage): Didn't you read the script?
Mike: No, I didn't think Jason would chase off our guests, so what's this about?
Rachel (off stage): This is a battle scene between you and Jason.
Mike (frowning): Why don't I feel so good all of a sudden?
(A door on the far side of the room opens and Jason walks out. He's dressed in a dark green hooded robe, and his face is covered in green and black face paint)
Mike: Who the heck are you supposed to be?
Jason: I could ask the same thing about you. I've never seen a Jedi with glasses.
Mike: I am Jedi Master Mike.
Jason: Okay then Jedi Master Mike, I Fairy Maul, challenge you to a duel.
Mike (takes out light sword and turns it on): I except your challenge.
Jason (takes out light pan and does the same): Good, I'll try to make you humiliation as quick as possible.
Mike: My humiliation? Look who's dressed up like the Jolly Green Giant on LSD?
Jason: Shut your pie hole and fight.
(Mike and Jason run at each other their weapons clash sending glitter everywhere. Mike jumps back)
Mike: Crap! Now I'm going to have to pay for the dry cleaning. Do you have any idea just how much that'll cost!!!
Jason: Don't think that will stop me Jedi Mike, my light pan has twice the reach of my regular pan.
Mike: Oh no.
Jason (pan extending): I shall defeat the Jedi once and for all (Jason repeatedly hits Mike over the head with the pan).
Mike (staggering from side to side): We'll be right back folks, once they get me to the hospit…(falls unconscious)
Fade out
Fade in
(Dan is sitting at his desk drumming his fingers against the wood, Elizabeth is resting her chin in the palm of her hands and is looking off into space. Mike is sitting there with a bandage around his head).
Dan (surprised): Oh we're back, great.
Elizabeth: Well if you're just tuning in tonight's guest is Mike.
Dan: We would've had Spade and Diamond, the two bodyguards for are sponsor, but between Elizabeth and Jason, they decided to hightail it outa here.
Elizabeth: What did I do?
Mike: I don't know, maybe you crawling all over what's his name would've done it.
Elizabeth: I was not crawling all over him.
Dan: Then what do you call it?
Elizabeth: Admiring.
Mike: What's with the dress anyway.
Elizabeth: This old thing, I just wanted to look nice tonight.
Bob (off stage): For what's his name.
Elizabeth: His name is Spade, can't you get that right?
Bob (off stage): Sorry.
Elizabeth: You should be.
Dan (shaking head): I should've listen to mom and never have agreed to do this stupid show.
Elizabeth: Well lets get this over with (turns to Mike). So Mike, how long have you been a fan of our show?
Mike: Since the first episode.
Dan: Who's your favorite person on the show?
Mike: I really don't have a favorite person on the show, I just like it.
Elizabeth: And your favorite part of the show would have to be what?
Mike: Whenever Jason gets into that stupid fairy costume of his and get the crap beat out of him.
Dan: That's true for all of us here.
Rachel (off stage): Can you guys wrap it up, we've got only 30 seconds left.
Dan: Praise be to God. Well come back tomorrow night when we'll have on the world famous magician Ace Cooper, and his assistant Cosmo.
Mike: Then we can haul it out of this place and get back home.
Elizabeth: Good night folks.
Fade out.
Fade in.
(Elizabeth, Kelly, Kim, Rachel and Mike are setting up the sleeping bags)
Rachel: Have any of you guys found anything on that Ace Cooper guy yet?
Kim: Yeah, it seems he's a magician from this area. He travels all over the world to do his shows.
Rachel: Then why haven't we heard of him before?
Mike: Who cares, he's gonna be on the show and then we can leave.
Rachel: Well I just want to know some more about him then that.
Kim (shrugs and gets into her sleeping bag): What else can I say, hey, where's the rest of the crew?
Elizabeth: Well Laurie came back and they went down to the all night laundry mat to wash all that glitter stuff out of her clothes.
Rachel (surprised): And they even took Jason with them, whoa.
Kim: Did they remember to take the keys with them?
Elizabeth: How should I know, I'm not their mom.
Kelly: But you want to…
Elizabeth (throwing pillow at Kelly): Shut up Kelly!
(Kelly throws her pillow at Elizabeth, but hits Rachel, Rachel throws her pillow at Kelly but it hits Kim, a pillow fight soon erupts between them, Mike craws out of the mass of flying feather and fabric and tiptoes away)
Fade out
Fade in.
(The rest of the cast is sitting in a laundry mat; Dan's reading a book call 'The Perfect Way To Get A Girl', Bob's playing a game of solitaire, Jason's gagged and bound to a chair, and Laurie's trying to get change for a one-dollar bill).
Laurie: AHHHH, I hate this stupid machine (kicks it). CRAP!
Bob (laughing slightly): Violence never got anybody anywhere.
(The machine spits out about five dollars worth of quarters)
Bob (picking up quarters): But in this case it may have worked.
Laurie (hopping on left foot): Cut with the Gandhi crap and help me get these clothes into the washing machine.
(Bob and Laurie walk over to a black hefty bag and bring it over to a washing machine)
Bob: We need one for a bigger load.
Laurie: How about that one?
(They walk over to a large machine that has the words 'USE AT YOUR OWN RISK' written on it)
Laurie (pouring contents of bag into washer): This one should do the trick.
Bob: What about the warning?
Laurie (putting in soap): Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?
Bob: I guess…
Laurie (putting a few coins in): Then lets do this (turns on washing machine).
(Bob and Laurie walk back over to where he was sitting; just then Mike walks into the laundry mat)
Laurie (shuffling cards): Hey Mike, you wanna play a quick game of poker?
Mike: Are we playing for cash?
Bob: If we are I all ready fold.
Laurie: We won't play for money, besides Bob here already bought us dinner.
Dan: He did?
Laurie: Yeah, I'm using the money I won from Bob to by pizza, so in a sense he's buying it (looks over at Dan). You wanna play?
Dan: No, I wanna finish this chapter first.
Laurie: Your loss, pull up a chair Mike and lets gets started.
Mike (sitting down): What's the game?
Laurie (dealing out cards): The game's Ace to five. Straights and flushes don't count and the ace can be used as a low card.
(The three start their game just as a pizza delivery boy walks into the laundry mat)
Delivery Boy: Pizza Turbo here, who ordered the medium three cheese, mushroom, and pepperoni pizza?
Laurie (looks up): You sure did take your sweet time, the cash is on the counter and keep the change.
Delivery Boy (putting pizza down): Thanks (takes money and walks out).
(Everybody but Jason walks over to the counter and takes a slice of pizza; the three get back to their game and Dan gets back to his book)
Dan: Hey guys what kinda girl would you think would go after me?
Laurie: I don't know?
Bob (chuckling): Elizabeth, it seems she likes her boyfriends big and dumb.
Spade (off camera): Hey! I represent that remark.
Diamond (off camera): You idiot, it's resent, not represent. God, how dumb can you get?
Laurie (putts down cards): What do you two want now?
Diamond: The keys to the film vault please.
Bob: Why do you want those?
Spade: There's a tape that we've got to get for the boss. So which one of ya brats has 'em?
Mike: Well I don't have them.
Dan: Me either.
Bob: Don't look at me.
(Jason shakes his head no; Spade and Diamond look over at Laurie who just gives them a smug smile)
Diamond: The keys.
Laurie: No.
(Diamond and Spade both draw their weapons and aim the sights at her. Laurie remains to keep her cool)
Diamond: The keys, now.
Laurie (raised eyebrow): You call those a weapon?
Dan: Laurie, this is no time to show off your knowledge of firearms.
Mike: Now we're dead.
Spade: What's ya'er idea of a piece then?
Laurie (to Bob): Is my trunk still in the van?
Bob: You think I'd move it?
Laurie: Hold on and I'll show you (walks out of the laundry mat).
(Spade and Diamond exchange confused looks and shrug, the two look back as Laurie walks back into the room)
Laurie (holding up firearm): Boys, I'd like you to meet the Voss BC. This is a .22 caliber revolver, the round leaves the chamber at an incredibly high speed so even if you're wearing kevlar, it won't do any good.
Dan: Thank you for that little lesson, now just give them the stupid keys!
(The washing machine that Laurie had been using suddenly starts to shake and spew out bubbles, water, and glitter. It's shaking so hard that it knocks the other washers away and moves away from the wall)
Dan: Good God, now the washers possessed.
Bob: I knew it was a bad thing to use that one.
Laurie: And you bring this to my attention now!
Bob: Well the sign did say 'use at your own risk' I thought you'd put two and two together!
(The washing machine still continues to do the mambo, as it stops everyone gives a sigh of relief, just as they're starting to relax the machine starts up again, worse then the first time)
Dan: Okay, what do we do now?
Diamond: Shoot it what else?
Laurie: Not while my clothes are in there!
Bob: Well do have a better idea?
Laurie: In fact, I don't, but hold this for me (tosses Bob the Voss).
Bob: What are you gonna do now?
Laurie: Watch.
(Laurie waits a few seconds then jumps on top of the bouncing machine; she grabs hold of the lid and opens it. Reaching inside she pulls out a pile of wet clothes and jumps off)
Bob (handing Voss back to her): Here I think you'll need this.
Dan: Shoot it!
(Spade, Diamond, and Laurie let off the entire magazine which doesn't seen to go any good against the possessed machine, but since Laurie has to abide by censorship laws hers only shoots out paint balls)
Bob: Some things have been said about standing your ground, as well as for retreating.
Mike: Yeah you live.
(The group runs out of the laundry mat, while Jason with his legs and arms still tied does his best to hop out of the building. The possessed machine puts a hole in the side of the building and continues down the street)
Bob: Dude, that fairy dust stuff really does work.
Diamond: Okay, now then, can you give us the keys.
(Everybody from the cast gives him a dirty look)
Diamond: Oh come on! One stupid little tape, that's all we want.
Bob: What's on that tape anyway.
Diamond: To tell you the truth I don't know.
Mike: Then why do you want it?
Diamond: What is this 20 questions?
Laurie: Well lets see, in the span of 15 minutes you've taken us hostage, demanded that we give you the keys to the film vault, and shot a washer that's been possessed. I think we deserve a few answers.
Dan: Why do you always have to push the envelope?
Laurie: I didn't by that T-shirt for nothing.
Diamond: Okay, I really don't want the tape it's our boss who wants it. I could care less about it.
Spade: And if we don't the boss is gonna fit us with cement overshoes.
Dan: Well if it's a matter of life and dea…
Bob (cutting him off): You don't believe them do you?
Mike: This is Dan here, the one who's reading the book about how to get a girl.
Bob: I see your point.
Dan: What is this? National make fun of Dan Wilson day?
Laurie: Can we help it if you're a good target.
Diamond: Can we get back to the matter at hand?
Mike (giving him a rude gesture): Could you wait a second.
(Diamond gives a short growl and walks off his partner follows)
Diamond (off camera): That's it I give up!
Dan: So I'm reading a book about how to get a girl, I mean C'mon, Elizabeth has a crush on that idiot. I bet a cheeseburger has a higher IQ then he does. So there has to be someone out there for me!
Laurie: He's probably right.
Mike: On what?
Laurie: The cheeseburger has the higher IQ.
(Everybody groans and slaps their foreheads, just then the still possessed washer jumps past them and puts another hole in the laundry mat's wall)
Bob: Ummm, how are we gonna explain the hole in the wall of the laundry mat?
Dan: We do what we did with the traffic jam; get in the van and pretend like this never happened.
(Everybody walks towards the van and gets in)
Fade out.
Fade in.
(The group walks into the set feathers are still floating in the air; they look around then look at Mike)
Mike: What? I said things got outa hand.
Dan: *sneeze* But you said *sneeze* noting about a pillow fight *sneeze*. I'm allergenic to feathers.
Bob: Then take a benadrill.
Laurie: Do we have any?
Bob: You're asking me? I thought you packed the first aid kit?
Laurie: I did, but I didn't think I'd need to pack benadrill.
Dan: *sneeze* I'm sleeping in the van tonight *sneeze*.
Bob: Okay, but don't you think it'll be a little cold?
Dan: It's better then *sneeze* this.
Laurie (pushing him out and throwing him a sleeping bag and pillow): See ya in the morning (slams door shut). Loser.
Fade out
Fade in
(The cast is sitting in the sitting around the set having breakfast. There's a knock at the door. Kim goes to answer it)
Kim: Can I help you?
(She steps back allowing the visitor to come in. He's wearing a green shirt, brown paints, and a brown trench coat)
Vega (stepping in): Yes you can. By any chance are you the cast of Table Talk?
Dan: As far as I know.
Vega: Then maybe you can explain, why two known criminals came into the police station this morning begging to be thrown into jail, because they fear for their lives.
(Everybody looks over at Laurie and Elizabeth)
Laurie: What? I didn't do anything.
Dan: I find that hard to believe.
Vega: I also have gotten word that a Laurie Petrotta has an assortment of firearms. Could I see your license please?
Laurie (tossing him her wallet): You'll see that it's all there officer.
Vega (looking through wallet): Actually it's detective.
Laurie: Whatever.
Vega (handing it back): Well it's all there…but I'll be keeping an eye on you.
Kim: May I ask a question sir?
Vega: Yeah.
Kim: Why did these two criminals want to be incarcerated in the first place.
Vega: Basically they feel threatened by these two, their exact words were, "The Psycho Chick is after me", and "I have to get away from the crazy girl."
Dan: The only thing about Elizabeth that's a threat to anyone is her cooking.
(Elizabeth gets red in the face and walks off stage)
Dan: Laurie on the other hand, she's a danger to everybody who comes within striking distance.
Laurie: Like you Dan?
Dan (moving over): I'm gonna sit over here now.
Laurie: That's good.
Vega: Well since there's nothing else for me to do here, I'll just be going (turns to go).
Bob: Hey, by any chance are you free this evening?
Vega: Why?
Bob: Well, I was just thinking that since Laurie and tonight's guests didn't exactly hit off, you could come and well…be a little insurance if she scares them off.
Vega: Who are your guests?
Bob: What's his name….Ace Cooper and his assistant.
Vega: Ha! Those two can take care of themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't scar her off the set.
(Just then high-pitched screams are heard)
Vega (looking around): What the heck was that?
Dan: That was Jason.
(The group runs off stage left towards the sound of Jason screams. They find him hanging by his ankles from something that looks like a noose)
Vega: How'd that happen?
(A guy dressed up like Crocodile Dundee walks out from behind a door and smiles)
Dan: And you would be who?
Guy (bowing): I'm David McTrapalot. Big game hunter extrodnare.
Vega: Great that's just what I need, Count Hebon JR.
Kim: Count who?
Vega: Never Mind.
David: I've hunted everything from the lions of the Savanna, to the Sun bears of the Asian Rain Forests.
Mike: Aren't those endangered?
David (Shrugs): So when I heard of a creature I've never hunted before I just had to come here and capture it (looks up at Jason). I thought he would be more of a challenge though, but hey, I ain't complaining.
Laurie: Look you Crock Hunter wanna-be, I'm the only one who gets to beat up on Jason, so could you please be so kind and cut him down?
Bob (surprised): Did I just hear that right, did Laurie actually say 'please' and 'kind' in the same sentence?
Dan: I'm not sure I heard it.
Kelly: She must have had her morning coffee.
David: Sorry love, but I caught him fare and square. I'm not going to give him up that easily.
Laurie: Let me put it this way, you cut him down this second, or else. Do I make myself clear?
Bob: Or else we send Psycho Chick after you.
David: I don't think I've ever hunted one of those before.
Kim: You won't be the one hunting her, she'll be the one hunting you. Hey, how'd you hear about us being here anyway?
David: Someone who had spotted this subject told me.
Bob: Could you give us a description?
David: Certainly, he's about 5'll, blond hair, blue eyes, got a funny looking tattoo over his right eye.
Vega: Diamond.
Laurie: That no good, lousy son-of-a-…AHHHHHH, I'm gonna teach him that when you mess with Psycho Chick, you're gonna get hurt.
David: She's Psycho Chick?
Bob: What was your first clue?
(Laurie cuts Jason down from his trap and runs out of the set, just as she's doing that another girl walks into the set and is grabbed by Laurie)
Shawna: Hey Laurie nice to see ya. Um, where are you taking me?
Laurie: Wherever I'll find that little rat.
Jason (holding up frying pan): Look's like we get a second round Fluffy.
Dan: We better go after her, she's bound to do something insane.
Mike: Isn't she insane now?
Vega: What the heck just happened?
Bob: We'll explain latter.
David: I'm coming with you.
Dan (shrugs): It's your funeral.
Fade out.
Fade in.
(The cast of Table Talk and Vega pull up besides the Croesus Palace and get out. As they walk inside they fallow a trail of destruction up the stairs to an another room)
Vega: It looks like a hurricane hit this place, what is that girl on?
Kelly: One word, caffeine.
Dan (looking around): Well, this is where the trail ends, but where is she?
(Just then Diamond crashes through the wall and into the hall where the rest of the group is standing)
Dan: Never mind.
Laurie (stepping through hole in wall): If you think that for one second, that I would allow you to send bounty hunters after my friends, then you are sorely mistaken!
Diamond (looking over at group): Help me please, you're a cop, stop her!
Vega: Sorry, I went off duty (looks at watch), two minutes ago.
Diamond (looks back at Laurie): I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just leave me alone.
Laurie (jumping on him): You should have thought of that beforehand. Now I'm gonna teach you the real meaning of pain.
Jason: Hahahaha, lets join the fight Fluffy.
(Jason jumps into the fight between Diamond and Laurie. The rest of the group looks on, a shocked look on their faces)
Kim: I don't think that's supposed to bend at that kind of angle?
Bob: Ouch, he'll be feeling that in the morning.
Kelly: I think he's feeling it now.
Elizabeth: Well at least he has a matching set of black eyes.
Vega: He's gonna need a dentist when they're done with him.
Dan: Forget a dentist, he's gonna need a plastic surgeon.
David: I now see why she's called Psycho Chick.
(Just then Shawna runs into the hall)
Shawna: Drop him Laurie, I wanna take a shot at the punk.
Laurie (lets go of Diamond's neck and looks over at Shawna): I take it your done with his friend?
Shawna: Yeah, he won't be bothering us for a while.
Elizabeth: YOU HURT ANGEL!?!
Shawna: Well if you think of hurt as knocking him out with enough tranquilizers to take down a horse then, yeah.
Elizabeth: Oh Angel I'm coming.
Dan: Here we go again with that one. Bob, will you help me get her?
Bob: Sure.
(Bob and Dan go after Elizabeth. Shawna walks over to Laurie and Jason)
Laurie: I'll give you 15 minutes, then I want to finish him off.
Shawna: You got it.
(Shawna drags Diamond, whose semi conscious down the hall to another room and slams the door shut)
Fade out
Fade in
(The group is seated in the hall that's been trashed by Laurie and Jason. They're all looking board)
Dan (looking at watch): It's been 25 minutes, what's taking that girl so long?
Bob: How should I know, she's Laurie's friend.
Laurie (standing up): I'll go and see.
(Laurie walks down the hall to the door and opens it, and just as quickly she slams it shut. She walks back to group a stunned expression on her face, which is also quite read)
Laurie: Non ho visto appena quello, non ho visto appena quello!
Dan: Speak English damn it!
Bob: So, what's taking so long, we've got to get back and get ready for the show.
Laurie: Shawan's…. a…. little busy at the moment? I think it's best if we just leave now and wait for her back at the set.
Kim: What's she doing?
Laurie: I don't want to think about it.
Vega (raised eyebrow): That bad?
Laurie: For me, yes, for her, no. Can we go now?
Dan: Yeah sure, but don't you want to wait for her?
Laurie (shaking head): I just want to get away from this place as fast as I can.
Kelly: What got into you all of a sudden?
Laurie: Can we not get into that, and just leave?
Dan: Okay, we'll leave, but shouldn't you go and tell Shawna?
Laurie: NO! I mean, no, she'll be back latter.
Bob (as they're leaving): Whatever.
Fade out
Fade in
(The group is running around the set trying to get ready for the nights show)
Dan (looking over at David): Shouldn't you leave?
David: I want to try and capture Psycho Chick.
Kim (laughing): Good luck.
David: I caught the Fairy Boy, so I think I can catch her.
(Just then a pool cue comes flying out of left stage and hits the wall just centimeters away from David's head)
Mike: You were saying?
David (nervous): I was just saying that I was leaving (runs out of set).
(As David's running out of the set Shawna walks back into the set)
Bob: Hey Shawna.
Shawna: Hey Bob.
Dan: How'd you get back here?
Shawna (smiling): I got a ride.
Kelly: Then maybe you can tell us why Laurie's acting so strange. She hasn't been the same since we left the Croesus Palace.
Shawna: Maybe I'll tell you latter.
(Kelly shrugs and goes back to working on the lights)
Shawna (sitting on desk): So who's tonight's guest?
Dan: Ace Cooper, the world famous magician.
Mike: And his assistant.
Shawna: Cool, can I stay?
Dan: I don't see why not.
Kim (walking onto stage): Oh hey Shawna, when'd you get back?
Shawna: Just now, where's Laurie? I don't see her.
(Kim shrugs not knowing)
Mike (adjusting camera): Last time I saw her was in the back, trying to get the stuff ready for the skit.
Shawna: What's tonight's skit based off of?
Dan: You'll just have to wait and see.
(Laurie, Elizabeth, and Rachel walk onto the stage)
Elizabeth: Hey Shawna.
Shawna: Hey you guys.
Laurie: I see you're done.
Shawna (smiling): He won't be a problem anymore.
Bob: Is everything running okay? I want this one to go without a hitch.
Dan: Yeah, this is the first time we're actually having someone famous on the show.
Kelly: The lights are set.
Rachel: The cameras are primed.
Kim: Everyone's accounted for, and the guests just pulled up.
Laurie: And the fairy's been locked up for safekeeping.
Bob: Then lets start the show?
Fade out.
Fade in.
(The lights come up without a problem, and both the host and co-host are sitting in their respected positions)
Kelly (off stage): Wow! How many times has this happened before?
Kim (off stage): I don't know, but let's hope it keeps up.
Dan (smiling): Hello and welcome to Table Talk, I'm your host Dan Wilson
(Close up on host)
Elizabeth (smiling): And I'm your co-host Elizabeth Clark.
(Close up on co-host)
Dan: Well believe it or not folks we've got one heck of night in store you.
Elizabeth: That's right, because tonight's guest is none other the world famous magician himself, Ace Cooper, and his equally famous assistant Cosmo, and because of this, we'll be having an extended time slot.
Dan: So without further ado, everyone please welcome Ace Cooper, and Cosmo.
(Caned applause is played as Ace and Cosmo walk up onto the stage and sit on the couch)
Dan: Welcome to Table Talk Mr. Cooper, and you to Cosmo.
Ace: Thank you for having us.
Elizabeth: If it's okay with you two, we would like to get the show started.
Ace: Please do.
Dan: So Mr. Cooper, we understand that you've been in the Magic business for some time, when did you realize that this was what you wanted to do?
Ace: I was probably about your age when I discovered I had the power of real magic.
Dan: What?
Ace: I have a connection with a power known as the 'Magic Force'.
Elizabeth: You don't say.
Cosmo: Hey, it's all true, whenever he needs help fighting somethin' Ace here just calls on the 'Magic Force' and he's able to do almost anything.
Laurie (off stage): What a crock! You really don't expect us to believe that do you?
Cosmo: Hey, I can't help it if you have a closed mind.
Laurie (walks onto stage and smacks him upside the head): I'll show you who has a closed mind (walks off).
Cosmo (rubbing head): What's her problem?
Elizabeth: That's the million-dollar question.
Dan (sighing): I knew it was too good to last.
Elizabeth: So, Mr. Cooper, how long have you been doing this?
Ace: I've been doing this for about 12 years, counting the time I was learning about my gifts.
Elizabeth: That's cool.
Dan: So Mr. Cooper, what exactly is the 'Magic Force'
Ace: It's very hard to explain, and could you please call me Ace.
Dan: Sure.
Ace: May I ask a question now?
Elizabeth: Yes.
Ace: What happened to the young man who was carrying around the frying pan?
Jason (off stage): I'm right here magic man.
Dan: Oh crap! Who let him out?
Laurie (off stage laughing): I did, now lets see if the magician can stand up against Fairy Boy, and Psycho Chick.
(Laurie and Jason jump onto the stage)
Cosmo: Now which of you is which?
Jason: You'll be finding out fast enough (jumps at Cosmo, but is knocked back).
Laurie: What the…
Jason (hitting frying pan against invisible barrier): Why isn't this working?
Ace: I've put a shield around us.
Dan: Cool, could you teach me how to do that? It would really help us on the insurance cost.
Ace: I don't think you have the ability, sorry.
Laurie (pushing Jason aside): Let me try.
(Laurie gets a running start and slams her side into the barrier, but falls onto her back)
Jason (standing over her): Didn't that hurt?
Laurie (sitting up): What do you think Einstein?
Dan: We'll be right back. Do you think that you guys could control yourselves for just on damn night!
Fade out
Fade in
(Shawna, Bob, Kim, Ace, Cosmo, Kelly, and Mike are sitting around a stage. They're all wearing tie-dye and sunglasses)
Cosmo (laughing): Love the fashion statement bro.
Ace (annoyed): Cosmo, have you heard the expression 'fools rush in, where angels fear to tread?"
Cosmo: No dude.
Ace: I suggest you learn it.
Shawna (looking around): What's this skit about, thought you guys were done with classroom skits?
Kelly (flips through script): This is a skit about a poetry reading. We're all supposed to hippies.
Bob (snapping fingers): I can dig it man, I can dig it. Can you dig it?
Mike: Groovy man, I can dig it.
Kim: We all dig it.
(Dan walks up onto the stage; he's dressed in the same fashion as the rest of the crew)
Dan: Welcome one and all to the first ever poetry reading at Club Table Talk, our first poet is our very own co-host Elizabeth 'Sun Shine' Clark.
(Dan steps away allowing Elizabeth to step up to the microphone).
Elizabeth: Thanks Moon Dog, now I would like to read a poem that I wrote, it's entitled 'Ode to….'
Laurie (walks onto stage with Jason): We have one for you guys too, 'Fairy Boy and Psycho Chick, friends forever'.
Ace: I think it would be polite of you two to let Ms. Clark do her poem first.
Laurie: Polite doesn't happen on this show, and knowing Elizabeth, the poems about her love of that moron.
Elizabeth: He's not a moron!
Jason (to Ace): So shut up magic man, we've got a skit to do.
Ace (standing up): That's it, I've had enough of you two. I'm going to teach you a lesson that you won't soon forget. Magic Force, reveal the power within!
(A blinding light fills the room when it dies down Ace is in his crime fighting costume, but he still has on the glasses from his previous outfit)
Dan: Oh my God! He wasn't kidding about that 'Magic Force' stuff.
Laurie (rubbing the back of her neck): Whoa, I feel funny all of a sudden.
Jason: Same here?
Dan (walks over to them): You guys don't look so good, maybe should take a break?
(A light starts to surround the two; everyone steps back unsure about what's to happen. Jason and Laurie's begin to glow silver and they smile devilishly)
Laurie: Psycho Chick, evolve to
Jason: Fairy Boy, evolve to
Shawna: Duck and Cover!
(Everyone ducks under the tables)
Laurie: SUPER PSYCHO CHICK!
Jason: KING OF THE FAIRYS!
(When the light dies down a second time Jason and Laurie are standing on the stage. Jason is wearing a green tuxedo with matching cape, and golden crown with green hair. While Laurie is wearing black pants, blue/green tie-dye shirt, blue sunglasses, with blue, bronze, and crimson hair)
Bob (poking head out from under table): What happened to them?
Kim (standing up): My best guess would be that the exposure to the 'Magic Force' caused it.
Ace: Well that cetenly hasn't happened before.
Jason (holding up pan): Yeah, Fluffy evolved to.
Laurie (looking over rim of glasses): What's different?
Jason (smiling): Fluffy's now a Papered Chef, Teflon coated, super non-stick, X-401.
Laurie: It's always about the pan isn't it? Well if you're through ogling over that thing could we please get on with what we were doing before Mr. Magic evolved us?
Jason: Why yes, certainly. Shall we recite the poem as well?
Laurie: Great idea.
(The two jump off the stage and onto the table in front of where Ace and Cosmo are standing)
Jason: Fairy Boy and Psycho Chick, we've been the best of friends.
Laurie: Since the fifth grade, and that's how we'll stay.
Cosmo: Uh, shouldn't you guys like be thanking Ace since…he like evolved you?
Jason (hitting Cosmo upside the head with frying pan): Don't interrupt! Even though we get on each other's nerves.
Laurie (diving onto Cosmo): We've got the best intentions in mind.
(Ace goes to pull Laurie off Cosmo, but Jason jumps him. A four-way fight soon erupts)
Dan: We'll be right back, once somebody gets some cold water.
Fade out
Fade in.
(Ace and Cosmo are sitting on the couch, while and Bob Rachel are cleaning their wounds)
Cosmo: Damn it! That stings.
Rachel: Serves you right! Transforming my friend (slaps a Band-Aid onto his forehead).
Cosmo: What did I do? Ace's 'Magic Force' evolved them!
Rachel: That's right (slaps Ace upside the head then gives him an ice pack). Keep that on it should stop the swelling.
Ace (holding ice pack against a swelling left eye): How are the two weirdo's doing anyway?
Bob: Look who's talking, Mr. I'm turning prematurely gray. FYI they don't have a scratch on them.
Dan (off stage): Are you done yet?
Rachel: Yeah, we're done.
Bob: It's lucky the insurance company made us take that field medic coarse or we'd be up to our necks in insurance clams.
Ace: By the way, you should be expecting a call from my lawyer very soon.
Bob (walking off the stage): Same with you, oh and by the way he's a real monster in the quart room.
Cosmo: I bet he's a relative of that little…
Rachel (stuffing gauze roll into his mouth): I don't want to hear it (walks off after Bob).
(Elizabeth and Dan come back onto the stage and take their seats)
Dan: I'm really sorry about what happened back when we were doing the skit Mr. Cooper. I hope there are no hard feelings?
Ace: Ha! Hard feelings don't even describe what I'm feeling right now.
Elizabeth: Well maybe next time you shouldn't use your powers to try and fight normal people.
Cosmo (pulls gauze roll out of his mouth): People? Those two are… I don't know what they are, but they are not normal people!
Dan: Who said anybody on this show was normal?
Ace: If you will excuse us, my assistant and I would kindly like to go back home and get away from this freak show.
(Jason and Laurie walk up onto the stage just as Ace and Cosmo are getting up to leave)
Laurie: Ah, please don't tell us you're leaving so soon.
Jason: Yeah, Fluffy and I wanna go another round with you two.
Ace (pushing Cosmo towards the door): Run Cosmo, as fast as you can, and don't look back.
(Dan, Elizabeth, Laurie and Jason start laughing hysterically as they watch Ace and Cosmo run out of the set at full speed)
Laurie (giving Jason a high five): Look's like we showed him not to mess with us.
Elizabeth (jumping up and down): Ding-dong, the magician's gone.
Dan (wiping away a few tears): I never thought I could see a person run so fast.
Rachel (off stage): Hey you guys, we still got a minute or so to kill, so find something to do fast.
Shawna (off stage): Laurie, Jason, why don't your read that poem of yours.
Dan: Okay you two take it away.
Jason: Fairy Boy and Psycho Chick, we've been the best of friends,
Laurie: Since the fifth grade, and that's how we'll stay.
Jason: Even though we get on each other's nerves,
Laurie: We've always got the best intentions in mind.
Jason: And when we beat and rag on one another,
Laurie: We'll let it drop the next day,
Jason/Laurie: Because we are the best of friends.
Dan: Well that's it for Table Talk in Electro City. We'd like to thank our sponsor for allowing us to come here, and if we ever come back…
Bob (off stage): Which I don't think will happen.
Dan: You've got a welcome spot.
(Everyone comes onto stage and waves)
Everyone: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
Fade out.
Fade in.
(The group is standing out side the semi, looking quite confused)
Dan: Are you sure we didn't pack the thing up?
Kim: Dan, I think would remember if we packed the semi up last night.
Bob: Well we could have done it why we were sleeping, we are anxious to be getting back home.
Elizabeth: But it's so neat, and it was gasses up,
Mike: Yeah and what about the croissants, bagels, and coffee this morning, how could have we done that in our sleep.
Kelly: And what about the deck of playing cards and the road map?
Rachel: It just doesn't make sense.
Shawna: Maybe we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth and just get going.
Dan: And since when are you coming along with us.
Laurie: Since I said so, do you have a problem with that?
Dan: No. Why haven't you and Jason returned too normal?
Jason: How should I know, but I want to get rid of this green hair.
Laurie (looks in rearview mirror): At least yours is one color.
(Just then Ace, Cosmo, Diamond, Spade, and Vega come from out of nowhere)
The guys: Surprise!
Cosmo: We decided to help you guys get ready for the trip home.
Diamond: So we got everything ready the night before.
Kim (unsure): Why…well…um.
Bob: Thanks.
Vega: You guys ready to split?
Dan: I guess, boy and I thought we were anxious to get home.
Laurie: Could I ask a question now?
Spade: What is it now?
Jason: HOW DO WE GET BACK TO NORMAL!?!
Ace: Well since you evolved by saying a certain phrase, if you say the opposite words you should revert back.
(The group spreads out as Jason and Laurie, start to glow again)
Jason: King of the Fairy's de-evolve to,
Laurie: Super Psycho Chick de-evolve to,
Bob: Not this again!
Jason: FAIRY BOY!
Laurie: PSYCHO CHICK!
(There's a brilliant flash of light. As it dies down Laurie and Jason return to their normal states)
Dan (blinking): Well that's better.
(Ace and Cosmo begin to push the group towards the semi's cab)
Cosmo: Well you should really be going now, you've got a long way to go and you probably want to get back before midnight.
Ace: And you want to be able to make good time on the road, the morning rush hour starts in only three hours.
Kim: But isn't it Sunday?
Ace: Well this is Electro City, always working.
Vega (helping push them into the cab): You know the city that never sleeps.
Laurie: That's New York.
Vega: Whatever, just get in.
Elizabeth: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to get us out of the city.
Diamond (slamming the door shut): Now I know why they call you a blonde at heart.
Dan (leaning out of the window): Well thanks guys.
Elizabeth: Oh Angel, don't you want a good bye kiss?
Spade: Leave now, please I'm beggin' ya!
Bob: Well it's been great.
Ace: No it hasn't.
Laurie: Hope to see you guys around.
Diamond: You won't.
Jason: If you're ever in New York, look us up, we're in the book.
Cosmo: Well there goes this years vacation destination.
Kim: Good bye, and thanks for your hospitality.
Vega: Just jet going!
Shawna: Yesh, we're gone, we're gone.
(Dan starts the semi and pulls out. Every relaxes for the ride home)
Fade out
Fade in.
(The semi is driving down an old county road; Dan looks over at Kim who is trying to navigate)
Dan: Kim, what road are we on, this looks nothing like I 91
Kim: I don't know, I haven't seen a road sign in an hour and a half.
Shawna: Well do you remember what it said?
Kim: No.
Kelly: Maybe we should stop at the next gas station and get directions.
Dan: We are not stopping for directions!
Kelly: But, we…
Dan: We are not LOST!
Bob: Better get comfy people, looks like it'll be a while before we get back home.
Fade out