Who would want to get close to a person if they knew how hard the letting go part was? Who would loved so selflessly if they find out that there is no such thing as true love, it was only make believe stories told by people who never been in love and hoped they were in love. Jethro had been through all kinds of love, but most of them are make believe ones. The kind that people pay for, and secretly fantasize about, a figment of someone disillusioned imagination, that love is real and pure.
He had actively participated in the creation of this life. Yet he often wonders why he doesn't see himself in it, or be a part of it. He will give him everything, his money, his time, his everything. He wants to be a memory, a tear, a sigh, and a recall, anything, to prove that he exists in the person he loves. He would give everything until he is depleted and exhausted and the only time he can recover is if this love dies, is to be infatuated with someone else again.
Jethro always thought that part of the reason why we hold on so tightly to something so magnificent, be it a person or a memory because we know that it won't ever happen twice in one lifetime. So he held on to Jin. Not wanting him to disappear. Held on to tight. Not realizing if you hold on to tight to something so fragile it would break.
If I say I love you for the last time, would it make it bearable to say goodbye? But in reality, the minute I turn to walk away it will be a step closer to the end. To losing you.
There's always a moment sometimes more than once, when you can walk away. You shouldn't choose a role that someone else might be writing for you. Reality finally kicked in. For Jethro's life, this is the time; he started writing his own script.
Not all relationship started out good. But still no matter how it started Jethro still wish that it will work out no matter what. Because he really do love him, so much, much more than himself sometimes. Jin had brought color to his dull world; he brought happiness when all there is nothing, not even a life when he first came in. Jethro was a pompous ass; he always thinks that all things should go his way, because it is the right thing to do. But Jin asked him once, "If it is the right thing to do is it also the way that you want? You always insist things go this way or that; everything has to be in the order of how you want. I cannot stay one more minute in bed, I cannot eat this, I cannot do that, the shower curtain should be slide this way and not that way, the blinds should be close at this time no later or not earlier. What if I stayed in bed fifteen more minutes, or I eat the skin of the chicken despite the cholesterol, or I exited at the other end of the tub, or forgot to close the blinds, what would happen, Jet? Is there going to be a catastrophe? Is the world going to end, because I didn't do the things according to Saint Jethro Renge?"
Our lives didn't happen by accident; they are scripted, rehearsed and memorized. We all have ways of flashing our defiance. But for one particular individual, his comes like a part of his entourage.
Defiance for Jin is inborn. He splashes his like a road sign, daring you to look. Of course Jethro wanted to look at him, not only because he is so handsome, but he just cannot take his eyes off him.
Loneliness is a mystery. People hide who they really are; they become masters of doing it. Behind their perfect little life, perfect bubble, behind fake smiles and designer clothes; some had been hiding it for so long they don't know who they are anymore.
That's what he wants to know, who they really are. The minute the director yells cut, everyone would break free from their role and be what they are without the camera rolling.
Every picture in Jethro's head is a like a layer of covering that disguises his mysterious man, he would peel another layer, another mask undone, and another facet of Jin revealed, his face spoke volumes, the star had become addicted to it.
Jin's haunted eyes challenged him. He felt like something like Jethro needed more than he wanted that maybe he is crossing some line without realizing it.
This was not the first time Jethro met this boy. Actually, their first meeting was not a happy occasion. The prima donna as what the people on the set calls the star behind his back was dead drunk, and he brought home someone, and all he can remember is groping him and squeezing his plump buns, in turn that someone slapped him and when Jet woke up he was gone.
Jin walked in the studio; he received a surprise call from the network last night. And he was excited and, hesitant at the same time. Hot Flicks wants his exotic looks to pair with the upcoming star, Jethro Renge, for a new segment of the show. He wondered why he was picked, was it because of that new director who paid him so the man can blow him?
And he didn't pay attention to what he was saying that he was from the network. His call slip says seven and they made him dress into this ancient garb, a g-string and put a lot of accessories on him. He sat there nervously, waiting for the star to arrive. The director said he can't promise anything, it will all depend on Jet since he is also not only the producer but he is also the writer of the show.
"It's alright, thank you for the offer. At least I could get to watch; maybe they would need some extras." Jin was hopeful that he won't waste his whole day hoping to get a part and get paid even just for a few hundreds, he really needed it badly.
While they were waiting for the rest of the crew, the director's idea to while away the time is to paw him right then and there on the set. He slipped his hand inside Jin's tongs which they call his costume.
"I will make you a star, all you have to do is do as I say." the man said, lewdly.
Jin sat there wanting to slap the man, but of course he had gotten used to these kinds of people. So he just sat there rigidly, trying to pretend he didn't notice the disgust looks they had been getting from the production crew who were passing by.
Jet came and glances at them, he looked at Jin like filth. "Who are you?" he asked eying him, all the more with a hand stuck inside his tongs.
The prima donna glared at the director, "Unhand him, he is just a boy!" he said angrily.
Jin was supposedly used to it by now. As he was pawed and man handled by each and every men or women in the industry, straight or gay, they got their weird quirks that they would want to play on him. Such weird fantasies he never dreamed of, soft drink bottle shoved up his ass, one man even want him to dress like a big baby so the man can change his diapers and yes, "breast" feed him.
Jin was nervous, now that he is face to face with the star. He blushed when he was scrutinized from head to toe. He knew that the g-string is going to go anyway, after all Hot Flicks is known for its hard core skin flick. If you are shy then you are in the wrong business.
Jin had often wondered why of all the jobs he had to get himself into it is this one he landed hard on his ass on literary. It was not like he had a choice; at sixteen who would hire a boy who can't do squat. A boy who don't know a single thing and had been pampered all his life. Although he had insisted he could learn, and he did but its not paying enough. His father left them for a woman who also works in the skin trade. And he later finds out how much they can pay someone for a night. He wasn't desperate for money, but his sister needed treatment, his mother is ill too. So he plunged on, not thinking he was throwing his life away, after months of this, here he is now, a little older, a little wiser, well he hoped he had grown wiser and tougher, his sister and mother needed him to be a man but, even if he wasn't ready, he had to.
He was used to all sorts of things when the camera is rolling or if he is getting paid for it but in front of the camera it's all an act, he is not one to give freebies. Everything for him has a price.
When Jet looked at him harder he blushed, his hair was a little shorter back then and it was his first time to go home with a man, he hoped that the actor didn't recognized him. But the look on his face, somehow Jin knew that Jet did remember him.
"My name is Jin. I'm twenty-four years old, I can show you my credentials and referrals, and I'm from the agency too." He replied, feeling goose bumps covered his skin as the man's face loomed in front of him for a closer scrutiny.
For awhile, the actor continued to stare at this lovely face. It was too familiar for him to forget, he remembered that day he was struck on the face but the name of that person evades him.
"Oh, I remember that blush; you were that cute little prick that dared slap me just because I gave your ass a pinch." He released Jin's chin.
"Hmmm... And look at what predicament you are in now?" a hearty laugh shoot from his lips, and as soon as the chuckling began, it stopped, he came closer now, his hands at the sides of the chair, as his face was centimeters from Jin's.
"Last time you slapped me for touching your ass, now I have a good chance to put my dick into it, what do you have to say to that, boy?" he purred so slyly.
And before Jin can reply, "I'm not doing this twerp." he amended.
Jin felt like there was cold water that was splashed on his face; he badly needed the money for his sister's treatment.
"Please, I'll do anything you want." he begged.
Fresh talents are fresh meat, low men on the totem pole, and the bottom of the food chain. And for some unsuspecting young, fresh porn star hoping for admittance, a big break, little do they know what they are really in for. A raucous night of ritual initiation to the skin trade that will separate the men from the boys. Abduction, hot waxing, humiliation, rough sex, rape and mayhem rules.
To love is human, but to f*ck is divine. The men are horny for fresh meat tonight. All the new talent would undergo every known form of deviant sexual lust, filmed in dimly lit rooms, to the sweaty and sultry bath houses, to night clubs or posh bedrooms, you never seen hardcore skin flick until you are in one. This is the world that Jin Shirikawa had signed in for. Dropped out of school, his father had abandoned them. It was all up to him to make his family survive and help the women in his life. A fresh meat thrown in the den of wolves. Will he be eaten or would he be the one doing the eating?
He started with the truth but of course, all the newcomers here had used that excuse plenty of times, who would think that to Jin it is his reality.
So he got up with wobbly legs like someone punched him, Jet watched him to see if he is acting but the pale look on his face could tell him that this boy is telling him the truth. But he already shut him down so there is no way he is going to take back what he said.
Jin with shoulders hunched he walked to the rest room to change. When he got out, Jet was still watching him with a sideway look, trying not to look obvious. He looked so different wearing day clothes, so young looking, so innocent, the actor thought to himself.
The crew started filming, Jet get to direct so he can watch Jin; he wondered why the boy didn't leave since he's got nothing here. An hour later he saw him behind the set with a hammer in one hand and was helping the production. He forgot all about him until lunch time, everyone was leaving to have their lunch. Jet assumed the boy was too but then he saw something blue and remembered that the boy was wearing a blue shirt. Jin was at the drinking fountain, drinking a lot of water, everyone left and he watched the boy pretended to leave and he followed him and saw him sat down by the shaded part of the pavement, he got out a bottle of water which he saw him fill up earlier.
The actor felt a thug at his chest. The boy has no money for lunch. The actor went to the vending machine and got a couple of sandwiches and a soda, he walked over to him.
"Hey, kid." he called. Jin looked up at him surprised and a little frightened. He stood up and grabbed his bag about to explain probably why he is still in the premises.
"Here, take this before I change my mind. And stay away from my set." Jethro said, shoving the sandwiches and soda to Jin.
Jin couldn't believe it but took them, and smiled at the older man. "Thank you." he said and sat down again and started to wolf down the sandwich, he didn't have any breakfast since he was in a hurry to get to the set.
Jin stayed away from the set. The crew manager was just going to give him a twenty for helping out but the actor handed him a couple of hundreds and made him swear not to tell the boy it was from him, and make sure that the manager give him more work and hire him permanently in the production staff. Of course the manager wouldn't question him but followed his instructions.
When Jet was exiting the studio he saw that familiar blue shirt, the boy was walking on the side of the road. It's a long walk, a couple of hundred miles; the actor assumed that he also walked to the studio that way too.
He pulled over and opened the door, "Get in." he said.
Jin stared at him for a long while. But reluctantly got in. He looked at Jet and wondered why the man is suddenly being nice to him.
When Jet asked him where he was going that's when the actor knew why the boy had been persistent in getting paid for the day, skipping meals and all of that. Hospital he said. And before the older man can ask Jin told him why.
"I was so happy the manager gave me my pay today now I can pay the hospital for my sister's dialysis, I needed the work today, and I was a little short." Jin replied.
The actor couldn't say anything since they didn't start out on good footing. But he's not all heartless like he pretends to be.
"If you really are in need, I would be needing an assistant full time, are you willing to sacrifice your career for something regular?" Jethro asked, glancing at him.
Jin was quiet, and hesitating. And Jethro knew why, "I'll pay you more what you're getting on the set but there is a condition to that work of course." Jethro prepositioned.
When the boy didn't say anything, he glanced at him. "Why don't we give it a trial period of one week? After the hospital you will start tonight. You will need to live at my place, " he said and one hand on the younger man's lap, "And my bed."
He quoted an incredulous amount that when Jin squeezed back the hand on his lap and said yes, Jethro felt some sort of triumph.
It seemed impossible at first, this kind of set up. At first it was an awkward set up, but Jin had found a way to burrow himself into the older man's life until finally what started out as contract blurred into a relationship of some sort. They were happy. Until that day. That day when Jethro was blinded, and didn't want to lose Jin, and made a decision he shouldn't have without asking Jin first.
"There may be a lot of things I have done that maybe a mistake. But I only acted them because I don't want you seeing you suffer anymore, you have already done so much for them, it is time you do something for yourself. I only did it because I love you. If saving you the way I did was wrong, then I'm sorry. It was the only way I know how. I got nothing left, Jin. You are my life, I move my world around you, if loving you was so wrong, then hurt me, kill me if you must, just let me have this love, die with this love I have for you." Jethro said.
He closed his eyes, he sighed. He felt so tired. He couldn't think anymore. He felt he had said enough of this matter, and they should move on, Jin should move on. There is nothing he can do now.
Jin was looking at him; he couldn't cry anymore, he felt numb. He knew that the man is controlling and impossible sometimes, but he never thought that he would be this cold. When he called the hospital it was already too late. His sister is gone. They had been calling him all day, and Jethro did every means to make him miss that call. He said Jin needed a break from his suffocating family, that they would be alright just for one day without him. It was their anniversary, so they should celebrate and he didn't want anything to distract his lover. The hospital had been calling him non-stop, it was an emergency. But Jethro thought that Jin's sister would be alright just for one day.
When Jet found him in the bedroom crying, he realized then the grave mistake he did.
"I-I'm sorry." He started to say. He couldn't come up with something else to say. Jin just looked at him with so much hatred in his eyes.
"She was my sister. She was only fifteen years old." Jin said, sounding like a man who had difficulty in speaking. He had a gun in one hand.
Jethro's eyes bulged, too frightened to take a step closer, not knowing whether Jin would shoot him or do something worse, kill himself.
"I have given you half of my life, thinking it would be enough to sustain you. I ask nothing from you, just that when my family needs me, you will let me go. That is all I ask, Jet. From all the times, from all the days, nights and moments of my life, you possess it all, covet it all. I even got nothing left for myself. It was all yours and yours alone." Jin begun, pausing with every sob.
"What is an hour, or thirty minutes of your one day, Jet? When you can have the rest of it? Is this more important than my sister's life? I don't know if I can ever forgive you for this. You have lived a full life; you got everything, even me. My sister only had fifteen years of hers, and she can never see the rest of it, she can never experience her eighteenth birthday, or how the world is outside the hospital walls, because you killed her. You took away her chance." He said, shouting the rest of it until his voice was completely hoarse.
Jet took a step forward, but he stopped when Jin glared at him. He couldn't say anything, because he didn't know what else to say.
Jin slid a paper towards where Jethro was standing. "I will give you one more chance. This is your last chance. Maybe I will forgive you in the other life. But I will never ever let you forget this day. This day, that you killed my sister, and me." Jin said, looking at Jethro.
It took a second for Jethro to realize what Jin meant by killing him, when it happened so fast, Jin put the gun against his temple and shoot. He stood there a second longer, frozen until he collapsed on his knees. Realizing what he had done. He looked at the paper that Jin handed him, it was an address with his mother's name on it.
Jethro replayed it a thousand times in his head, frame by frame, He came up with a thousand things he should have done differently.
But life doesn't give you a chance to go back and edit, even if you are the director and decide to call for another take but, this time, there is no second take. It's like a live feed; you have to wing it or adlib as best as you could, because the show must go on.
Jethro wished he stopped for a moment and think but, all he is left with now is what he did.
Jethro told him he loves him and he wants them to make a commitment. But it was a lie. He wanted go back. Back to the time there is no Jin. But, honestly, he does love him. Jin was his obsession, and his downfall. Now every third day of the week, he would go visit Jin's mom, Jin's mom had forgotten about Jin after a long time when Jin passed away but it was also probably from all the medication she had been taking. Jet didn't tell her the truth, seeing her condition, it would probably kill her if she finds out she lost everyone in her life and it's all because of this man, whom she now calls her son. For Jethro it was his atonement, he had made one fatal mistake in his life, and he would never ever be forgiven for it, even if he was in his next life.
Jin had always acted like he live on people's love, like a car, that's his gas, his air, his route, his destination. And for Jethro, Jin was his direction, his compass; he would be lost without him. He had retired from his acting; there were just too many memories of Jin in that part of his life. He knew that they cannot erase each other's existence even if Jin is gone. Fate only brings you so far, it's what you do when you get there that matters.
Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone, too often to late to say I'm sorry I was wrong. Jin once told him, "Even if I had a million reasons to leave, I would still look for one reason to stay." Sometimes you hear, but you don't listen. Sometimes you talk but you don't speak, sometimes you look but you don't see. This was the lesson that Jin left for Jethro to learn.