Alright this is my second attempt at writing something. I feel honestly that for two teenagers to have their whole lives twisted from being normal kids, into dealing with terrifying situations without any real support that can help them. They really don't explore the weight that these people are under. I've aged the characters up for possible mature content later.
I'm writing based loosely on personal experience. Keep that in mind when you review/comment. By all means make suggestions/corrections/ and if I misspell or make typos – my bad. I will try to go behind and clean those up once brought to my attention.
Marinette was exhausted. She had been fighting akumas for 4 years with her partner and the weight of all that she has seen just kept building in her subconscious. It was bad enough having nightmares where the good guys didn't win, where Hawkmoth stole the miraculous and she failed all of paris.
But after years of on again off again nightmares the subconscious was leaking into her daytime thoughts as she often found herself too tired to focus and now she was having daymares.. She had tried melatonin as a first step to try and regulate her sleeping and at first it had been helpful, but over time her body had built up a resistance to it and it wasn't as effective. She was nervous about how much was too much before it became overall more harmful than helpful to her body. When she decided to mention it to her parents for their advice, they had suggested it sounded like she may have anxiety issues and insisted she see a doctor for advice.
So that's how she found herself sitting in Dr. Dubois office, feeling dumb and as if she was over reacting to these sleep issues, but also knowing that she needed some help before a small issue turned into a much larger one.
"Good Afternoon Ms. Dupain-Cheng, how are you today?"
Marinette shifted uncomfortably trying to find an honest answer. It's so easy to default into saying 'I'm fine' or 'Good'; but if that were the case she wouldn't be here to begin with. But the truth was hard to say as well, so she settled for the middle man response.
"I've had better days that's for sure." Even that small admission put a pit in her stomach.
The doctor gave her a small reassuring smile that seemed to appease the apprehension Marinette felt.
"So what is it you came in for today?"
Here it goes…"I've been having trouble sleeping for a while now, I've been trying melatonin for the last year when it seemed I really couldn't sleep but now I'm starting to think that taking it every night instead of dealing with whatever the underlying issue is may not be enough.
Dr. Dubois just listened intently and took in all the information the young woman told her. She certainly wasn't the first patient she's had with insomnia or anxiety, but before deciding her course of action she would need more information to narrow down exactly what was going on.
She looked at Marinette with a practiced façade of complete understanding. "Do you happen to know what may have happened in the last year that may have started triggering these sleeping issues? Do your nightmares often have a reoccurring theme? As far as melatonin is concerned it's an all-natural remedy that plenty of people with sleep issues use to help regulate their habits, but in more extreme cases it can sometimes not be effective. As always like you're doing now, it's best to try and resolve the underlying issue if at all possible. Sometimes what people feel is a disease is really just a Dis-ease and if that's the case it's better to work out the issue than to medicate it. In other instances it can be a chemical in balance in the brain that does require a careful prescription to help your body stay balanced and operating in the normal ranges. How have your moods been in the last year? Any recent behavior changes? Traumatic experiences? Changes in your lifestyle?"
'ohhhh I like her' Marinette thought to herself. Already this new doctor she had just picked out of the phone book was better than the old doctor she had been forced to go to all while she was growing up. The old doctor was a grumpy old man stuck in the middle ages who thought that women still got "hysteria". He never listened to her for minor things and he was what made her refuse to go see doctors unless she was practically dying. That would explain why she hadn't set foot in a clinic in 6 years. It was only after her parent's suggestion and Tikki's insistent prodding to at least just be evaluated that she agreed. Luckily for her she no longer had to be under her parents insurance and see that quack, she had her own job that came with its own insurance, it wasn't the greatest but it was paying for this lady.
With a weight she didn't realize she had been feeling, lifted off her shoulders at someone who seemed to be actually listening and believing her thus far, Marinette finally opened up about how she actually felt.
"Truth be told I am known for my positivity and creativity, for being many people's strength and supporting my friends and family. None of that has changed. I enjoy being that person, it makes me happy when those I love and care about are happy. But.."
This was hard. I feel a hot chill go down my spine as I'm about to tell a complete stranger about my weakness and vulnerabilities. But I'm ladybug, I'm not allowed to feel this way, show this side…Oh god I could just vomit. I'm starting to sweat now and it's hard to progress much further. Dr. Dubois is being very kind and patient while she waits for me to resume my sentence. Too late to go back, too late to not be sitting here right now…in for a penny in for a pound. Besides, it's not like she knows I'm ladybug, she can only judge Marinette.
"…I hold that exterior for them. People come to me with their issues and concerns and I help them. I do have a best friend that I talk to, but I find that some things I simply can't share with her, some things must remain a secret and those things are the bulk of what cause me to have 'daymares' and cry randomly and worry all the time. But no one is allowed to see that, I hide from my parents and my friends when I feel like I'm about to break down, I make excuses as to why I can't hang out, I run off to be on my own a lot and I always have a good cover story. I tell them I have to help my parents in the bakery, or I tell my parents I have a lot of homework to do. But truthfully I'm in my room sitting in my head torturing myself with these scenes of failure and consequences and how I would survive moving forward if I failed. I feel sick all the time, it actually hurts sometimes when I'm with my friends trying to just be normal and I have this anxiety sitting on my chest..it feels like an actual physical thing just sitting there." …Immediately I feel lighter and still a bit anxious. A nervous smile comes to my face because finally after all this time, the monster within me has been given voice. I can't quite look the Dr. in the eye… What if she's looking at me thinking I just blew this up and out of proportion?
truly felt for the young lady. She knew anxiety when she heard it, but still she hadn't answered all of the questions she asked. Assuming she simply forgot to address all the questions in her state of verbal vomiting; she pressed Marinette for answers to everything else.
She learned that overall things were pretty good. Marinette lived with her best friend in a small apartment that she could tell she was very proud of. She worked for a tailor shop that was within walking distance of her apartment, and picked up odd jobs here and there for extra cash. Marinette had stated that the dreams started 4 years ago, but didn't pick up frequency and intensity until the last year. The theme stemmed around failure and helplessness, which is very common for a lot of people.
"Ok Marinette taking in consideration everything you've told me, in conjunction with your medical history I reviewed while you waited for me. I want to do a blood drawl to check your levels and see if there may be anything that looks off. I would suggest a Vitamin D supplement and a 3 month prescription of fluoxetine at 10 mg. The prescription is for 3 months as it will take 1 month for any anti-depression/anxiety to take effect, but you will need to follow up with me in 3 months to assess progress and how you've been feeling before I renew the prescription. In those three months I also strongly encourage you to see a behavioral cognitive therapist, they specialize in resolving underlying issues like these and more often than not, most of my patients don't need this medicine for very long.
Marinette was grateful to finally have a starting point. She of course couldn't tell the good doctor about the traumatic experience that happened a year ago that really set these nightmares on fire; and she had been kind enough not to dig'…I suppose that's why she suggested the therapist to do her dirty work there'.
Thanking the doctor for her time and understanding, Marinette paid her fee at the front desk and setup an appointment at a local lab for the blood work. Once everything was scheduled she hurried out the door. Finally outside a wave of relief washed over her. She was finally alone and safe and not around anyone who knew her secrets…well sort of anyway..
"See I told you not all doctors are backwards and rude!" Tikki piped up from Marinette's purse.
"shhhh tikki, be careful someone could have been walking by" Marinette whispered to her little sprite friend.
"I can sense when others are around you know, I just wanted to tell you that I think it's great you're taking your parents advice here. Even if I had to repeat their advice to you morning, noon and night to convince you it was worth your while."
"You're a good friend, thank you for not giving up. But honestly I don't think a therapist is going to do much good. Honestly, it's not like I can tell them who I really am and what the real problem is.
"Hmm you raise a good point. But maybe if you see someone for everything else, that could at least be a start, and if you deal with other things, then maybe that one incident won't weigh so heavily. You could even just try to readjust the events to something that you can explain and get it out that way?"
Marinette gave a sad laugh "So what you're saying is, go to therapy where I'm supposed to put the truth out there and confess my sins to work through my issues…and lie so I can still hide my identity in the shadows. Go there to work through everything, except the ONE thing that would probably resolve all of this."
"I'm only suggesting you try therapy. To see if it can help. Take it one crisis at a time. Plus if you don't, then the doctor won't fill your prescription in three months and you'll be back at square one."
Tikki had made good points, she was always very insightful and patient with her. Today, she would pick up her new prescription and the vitamin D. Tomorrow she would scout the yellow pages for a CBT therapist. After that, who knows.