My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm on the dark side of thirty. I'm single, I'm in my child bearing years, my family is nuts, and I'm in therapy. That pretty much sums it up.
I have the good fortune of having a good job right now that pays me more than I think I really deserve. I work for Rangeman where I'm the Vice-President of Research and Customer Relations. Yea…we fine tuned the title. There are plusses and minuses to working at Rangeman. The benefits including salary are outstanding. I love working in this field. I enjoy the people I work with immensely. I have feelings for my boss Ranger. Okay, that was the bad. He loves me too, in his own way (whatever the hell that means). What I do know is that he won't marry me and move to the burbs and have a couple or four children. I also know that I want to live in the burbs, get married and have a couple of kids. So…we're at an impasse. Do I move on? Do I wait and see? It sucks to be me.
But I live in my own house in a nice suburb just far enough away from my parents to keep me from going postal. I love my house. It's perfect for me. It has a great security system. I have a wonderful kitchen that actually has food in it. I have learned how to cook. I own several copies of Ghostbusters, just in case. I also have a hamster named Rex. Rex is the only male in my life who is always there for me aside from my Daddy. I'm a Daddy's girl. I would be a Momma's girl too, but I have mother issues. I'm working on them in therapy. Actually, I think I'm pretty well through with them. I know she wants me to get married and settle down. Since that's what I want too, we're on the same page for the first time since I was twenty-two. It's all good.
Of course, I am trying to find a stable relationship, sort of. I date. I have dated. For about three years I was in an on-again off-again relationship with a local Trenton cop named Joe Morelli. The thing about Joe is that he was familiar. After all he was the first guy to ever glance at my naughty bits, touch my naughty bits and penetrate my naughty bits. I thought it was love. I didn't think it was love when I was five, but I thought he was certainly interesting. Plus my mother warned me against him. That was like waving a red flag in front of me even at five. So I thought it was love especially on the floor of the Tasty Pastry when I was sixteen. Okay, sometimes it was hate, but I usually thought it was love. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, it didn't work out. He's too controlling. He wanted me to change everything about myself for him except my desire for plenty of sex. Yea and he cheated on me. I didn't know that at the time though. Others knew and didn't tell me, but I had no idea. Okay, I may have suspected it a couple of times. But I couldn't prove anything. Anyway we broke up. He's moved on and has a wife and soon he'll have a child. Speculation on the street is that he's having a boy. I say it's a girl and she'll be a hairy little monkey.
I was married to Dickie Orr, heretofore known as The Dick, between bouts with Joe. Our marriage lasted about…oh fifteen minutes before I discovered him on my brand new dining room table with Joyce 'the slut' Barnhardt who just happens to be my mortal enemy. Okay…that's pushing it a little far. If I were truly an Intergalactic Princess she would be my mortal enemy. Oh and I'd have already had the bitch killed. But since I'm just a girl from Jersey…she's still alive and I'm still antagonistic. She even tried to move in on my territory when I was bounty hunting for my cousin Vinnie. She went so far as to schtup the man in his office and let me tell this, that's pure desperation. Vinnie is not a prize for anyone. So, in Jersey I'm not an Intergalactic Princess and she can schtup my cousin with no fear of retribution from anyone but Vinnie's wife Lucille who is connected (if you know what I mean). Wait, why haven't I had someone put some cement over shoes on her Sasquatch feet? Oh well, I digress. Anyway saying she's my mortal enemy may be going too far, but she really pisses me off. Anyway, I do my best to avoid The Dick and I've only conversed with him lately because Ranger asked me to. And I cross the street to avoid the skank.
When Joe and I were broken up once, Ranger moved in on me for one night of pure orgasmic bliss before sending me back to Joe on a silver platter. Ranger…I can barely say his name without sighing and fighting the threatening tears. See…I love him. Not only that, and this is a secret between you and me, I am in love with him. Yep, I'm completely nuts about the guy. He's also my boss as I told you before. That makes things a little difficult. He owns Rangeman or at least a substantial part of it. Rangeman…Ranger…do you get the connection? Ranger is tall, dark and handsome of Cuban descent and he's hot. And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him. I'm saying it because every time he walks through a room women drop like flies. They start drooling before he's taken more than a few steps. It could be his rock hard body including his long muscular legs and six…or is it eight pack abs. It could be his silky black hair…currently short again. It could be his chocolate eyes and his megawatt white smile. Or it could be the fact he just exudes sexuality. I mean you take one look at the man and you just know he can find his way around a woman's body and leave her trembling and begging for more. Okay…that part I know is fact.
Anyway, Ranger and I have decided that we're only meant to be friends because he has commitment issues and so do I. But I'm in therapy to work them out because I want marriage, children and a house in the suburbs and I'm already a third of the way there and… (Breathe Stephanie…just breathe…it's going to be fine.) I told you that already too, right? Anyway, he's not in therapy. As a matter of fact, he left three weeks ago to escort our last client Veronique de Gaston, or as I like to call her 'Veronica the bitch Green', to Paris to face charges on drug trafficking and skipping bail. Can anyone say awww with me? I didn't think so. He's also, as he calls it, in the wind on some kind of assignment that he'd have to kill me if I knew the details about. Who knows when he'll be back! My shower massage is starting to annoy me.
And to top it all off, my grandmother…Grandma Mazur has a boyfriend and she's getting laid way more than I am. And she's like a million years old. That's no exaggeration. If she's younger than that, her age cream is not working in the slightest. She may be getting laid more than most people I know. Of course, if you're getting laid at all…you're getting laid more than I am. Grandma and Burt have become quite the couple. My father has hope that she and Burt will eventually get married and move out of his house. I think that's a pipe dream. Even though Burt has his own teeth and apparently likes Grandma's crotchless panties, I think Grandma is going to stay with Mom and Dad till she dies. Well, or until they die…whichever comes first.
There has been some good news for other people around me of late though. Ranger's best friend and one of my best friends are getting married. Tank and Lula met through me. I'd say that was a successful match on my part. Tank is a former…probably a former…maybe a former…mercenary and Lula is a former prostitute. I think it all evens out. I wish them all the best.
Several of the guys at Rangeman have also recently begun relationships and the atmosphere around the office has changed dramatically. There's a lot of whispered conversation on phones and almost everyone is smiling all the time. I'm happy for them. It's not their fault that I'm miserable.
To make matters worse, I met a great guy over the summer and he really liked me. He wants a woman who can commit. He wants all the things that I want like a house in the burbs, kids and marriage. He was a stable guy from a good family and he didn't even seem to mind that much that I am from Jersey. He's a little shy and not overly confident in his own good looks or prowess, but I find that endearing. He is also a great kisser and I… I threw it all away over something that will never be. That sucks.
Today as in everyday in the last several weeks I've gone into the office and done research or made phone calls and appointments. I have signed up four new clients. They're all low cost security clients from the mall. I figured why not try to hit up a few of my favorite stores and maybe they'd give me discounts. I even got Mr. Alexander's and Victoria's Secret. I still visit Mr. Alexander's salon regularly, but I don't shop as much at Victoria's Secret. Ranger bought one of their competitors.
Sizzlin was formerly owned by Veronique and while I can't see Ranger in the panty and bra business, I suppose he is certainly a man who's seen a lot of it. I guess he's something of an expert on women's undergarments, or at least the removal of them. On the plus side, I get free lingerie now. Natalie, the new COO, keeps me in the good stuff. It could be because we're Sizzlin's sister company or it could be because I introduced her to Cal. It could go either way.
So things in my life, with the exception of my love life…what a shocker, are going nicely. I am healthy. I have a good job. No creditors are calling me. Mom taught me how to make Pineapple Upside Down Cake and I'll never have to do without again. I haven't been in the paper for a while. Rex is caught up on his shots. I got new 1000 count sheets and I'm in bliss. Things are good. Usually that means that the shit is about to hit the fan.
I was busy doing some research for a high bounty for Tank when my cell phone rang. It didn't ring much at the office. My mother liked knowing I had an actual desk and preferred to call it. Grandma always called it in hope that one of the hunky guys I worked with would answer. So the fact that my cell phone rang at all was a surprise.
I reached for my phone absently, "Stephanie Plum."
"Er…is this Stephanie Plum," the man asked.
"This is she," I said briskly wondering who the moron was who would call my cell phone and not listen to my name when I answered.
"Er…we have a mutual friend who suggested that I call you."
"Who is the mutual friend," I asked cautiously. I didn't want to be rude, but I'd had that ploy used on me by stalkers in the past and I wasn't about to fall victim to it…again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… Well, you know the drill.
"Er…Mooner," he almost whispered.
"Douglas Mooner asked you to call me?"
"Right," he said more confidently. "I'm in a bit of trouble and he thought that you and your friend, I mean your company of course, could help me out."
"Okay," I took a deep breath. If he was a friend of Mooners there was a good chance the guy grew marijuana in his basement, everything he said would be lost in translation, and one of his favorite foods had to be Cheetos. Not that liking Cheetos was a bad thing, but again…I digress.
"Have you ever heard of Wilhelm Stray?"
"The scientist," I nodded to myself. "He's been all over the news. He was found dead in Berlin."
"And his research is missing," the man said timidly.
"You don't have it, do you," I groaned silently at the thought.
"Oh no! I mean I don't have the paperwork or his prototype or anything," he said adamantly.
"Okay…then why do you believe you need my help," I said patiently.
"He was my father."