Hello everyone! I'm back with this story which I just had to write. It's a bit sad but it felt really strong to me so I had to share it. It's a lot longer than I though it would be but that's pretty good to me, also its only my second story so please go easy. Also a big shout out to all those who reviewed my last story, It meant a lot to me that you took the time to do that so thankyou. With that said on with the story! :)
I sat idly in my car, staring out the window at the dark, depressing colour of the grey overcast sky. It's funny how today of all days the sky decides to mimic my mood. My gaze drops from the dark clouds to the looming building in front of me. The bleak building stares back at me, its cold face daring me to enter it. I exhale loudly; really I'm just trying to reassure myself, giving myself false hope that this time might be better.
I reach for my car keys and pull them out of the ignition, my hand grabs the door handle and that's when I falter. Every time I enter that building I come out more dejected and depressed, yet I still come here every week, alone and filled with false hope. My brothers come occasionally but it's too hard for them now, after too many years of false hope, they've stopped trying.
Drawing in another long breath, I give myself courage and this time when I reach for the handle, I don't falter. I feel my stiff legs creak with every step as I make my way towards the building. The entrance sign hangs above the automatic doors; the sign that should fill me with relief only fills me with nervousness. I read the sign that I have read many times before, and no doubt will continue to read until the day I die. The sign reads 'Kansas Memorial Special Care Hospital'. I step through the automatic doors and the first thing I notice is how warm it is in here. Even in the middle of winter the Kansas residents still keep unbearably warm.
Brushing aside the initial heatwave I make my way over to the quite little desk in the corner. I soon realise there is no one at the desk so instead I opt for a seat in one of the stiff waiting chairs. The hard and uncomfortable chairs have been here ever since I first started coming here, a long time ago. They provide little comfort to all those who sit in them, and yet they are still here.
Waiting patiently I stare around at the all too familiar waiting room. Like the chairs the room hasn't changed much in all the years I've been coming here. The Reception desk sits in the corner to the left of the entry doors, with a painting of flowers (daisies I think) in a vase behind it. On the opposite side of the room is a set of double doors, with a laminated sign pinned to them saying 'Only Authorised Personal Beyond This Point'. On the wall adjacent to the double doors is an elevator. It's mainly used for the elderly or sick but many people call it the elevator to Heaven because if you're using it chances are, you haven't got long left. The rest of the room looks like any other waiting room I suppose. It's got chairs lined up in neat rows and there a few stray pot plants here and there, and, in typical waiting room fashion, it's got a coffee table full with old magazines ranging from anything to do with celebrities to cooking. I quietly pick up one of the celebrity magazines and start flicking through its contents. I can't actually read it properly because I didn't bring my glasses but the pictures seem entertaining enough.
A few minutes later and I hear someone clear their throat, which in turn makes me looking up from my magazine. Standing in front of me is a beautiful young nurse. Her auburn hair falls just on her shoulders and she has beautiful blue eyes that remind me of my mother. She smiles softly at me her eyes full of joy and character. "Mr Tracy?" she begins, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand. "Please Nurse Avalon, just call me Alan. Mr Tracy was my father; I might actually feel old if you start calling me 'Mr Tracy'" She smiles at me, her eyes dancing with amusement, "Oh well now we can't have that now, can we?" I nod in satisfaction, a smile on my face. "Alright Alan however, I'll only call you that if you start calling me Ava." I look at her slightly caught off guard by her proposal but I quickly recover myself "But my dear, I had a good friend once who always taught me that a lady should be talked to with respect, and that meant using her proper name" She simply laughed. "Well then I suppose that's acceptable, on one condition though" "Name it my dear, name it" "You have to let me meet this lady one day" She smiled down at me and I smiled back but my smile was hollow, if only she knew that the lady I spoke of had passed away, many years ago. I considered telling her for a moment but then decided against it, the poor girl would just feel awful.
"Alan?" "Yes sorry I wondered off there for moment" She smiled down at me. "That's quite alright. I just came to tell you that you can go in now, he's ready for you" My smile faded a bit at those words. I looked up at nurse Avalon, my eyes giving away my silent question. She was prepared for it though; however she still couldn't hide the pity in her eyes. "Don't worry; he is having one of his better days today. Better than he has had in a long time I think" I sighed a heavy but relived sigh. Putting on the brave face I've donned so many times before I smile up at her. "Thank you, for everything, I know he isn't the easiest patient, never has been, never will" She laughed again "Not to worry, that's what we are here for after all" I smiled gratefully at her. "Now then, would you like some help getting up?" I looked back at her shocked, and I was about to respond when I saw the mirth in her eyes. Softening my tone a little but making sure it was still semi-stern I replied "Young lady! The day I need help getting out of a chair is the day you can put me in the grave! I may be old but I intend to spend the rest of my short life walking, without any aid" She laughed in response and gently patted my back as she walked away. I watched her leave, and then proceeded to walk towards the double doors on the other side of the room.
Stepping through the double doors without a second thought I walked down the path I had walked down so many times before. People hurriedly walked around me trying to get to their assigned jobs. While many said the odd Hello, I could tell that many others just saw me as a slow old man. Nevertheless I powered on, determined to reach my destination.
At last I reach another set of double doors with another familiar sign. This sign read "Kansas Memorial Hospital – Dementia Ward" Taking another deep breath (I seemed to have been taking a lot of those today) I entered the ward. The room was large and open with bright natural light seeping through the numerous windows. People of all ages, appearance and health status were in here.
Making my way over to another desk, I was greeted with another friendly face. Nurse Katie Wakina has been working here for as long as I can remember. She was a short African-American lady who didn't take any nonsense for anybody. That's what I liked about her, she reminded me of my father, always able to take control of a situation. "Hello Nurse Katie! Tell me, how is our favourite man today?" She smiled in only a way Katie could "Alan dear! How lovely to see you again. I'm fine thanks for asking…" I smiled back at her sheepishly "…and as for our favourite man, well he's sitting over there by the window" she said pointing to a man in a wheel chair staring out the big window towards the garden beyond. "Thanks Katie, Nurse Avalon mentioned he was having a good day today" She smiled sadly at me and nodded. "Yes dear, today has been one of the better ones, but don't get your hopes up" I smiled back at her and nodded, turning around I started walking towards the man by the window.
As I walked closer to the man I could feel my stomach churn. I shouldn't be this nervous; this wasn't my first time here. A few harsh words to myself and a shake of my head and I soon found myself standing behind the man. I took a moment to take in his appearance. He had changed a lot over the years especially in the last 5 years. His once perfectly styled brown hair was now a thin grey patch, his once golden tanned skin was now wrinkled and pasty white. His once perfectly straight and polished posture was now slumped and supported by the back of his wheel chair. It broke my heart to see him look dishevelled; my all-time hero now looked so small and venerable.
Snapping myself out of my trance, I slowly, as not to startle him, made my way into his field of vision. "Hello?" I hadn't meant for my voice to come out so small but apparently he heard me because he turned towards me and smiled. It was at that moment that I realised one thing, no matter how small or dishevelled he became he still had those piercing cobalt blue eyes that he had always had. His eyes, even in his old age, still had such gentle warm, stability and character as they always had.
Once again I found myself staring and I quickly made up for it with a small test in conversation. "Hello there, do you remember me? I came to visit you last week?" I had to test him, see how much he remembered, and see how much he had improved or declined. His face screwed up as he tried to remember me. "No I'm sorry but I don't, should I?" My heart dropped, he wasn't improving; he was getting worse. He must have seen my disappointment because he quickly stuck out his hand "Names Scott, Scott Tracy. Nice to meet you, what's your name?" I shook his hand, quietly marvelling at the strength they still had in them. "My name is Alan, sir." Scott cocked his head thoughtfully. "Well Alan what might you be doing in a place like this on such a beautiful day?" Trust Scott to make the conversation all about me, I smiled at him quickly formulating an answer. "Well sir I came to visit my brother but…but he want feeling to well" I chocked the last part out, how could I tell the man in front of me that he was my older brother who had dementia, it just wouldn't be right. "Well I'm sorry about your brother I hope he gets better soon" I could feel my eyes welling up with tears, he had no clue I was talking about him yet he showed the same generous sympathy he always had, even to me, who to him was a complete stranger.
"You said your name was Alan, didn't you?" I stared at him horrified, was he really that bad that he had just forgotten my name again, even though he met my less than ten minutes ago. If he noticed he didn't acknowledge my horrified expression, instead he continued on with his sentence. "I had a brother called Alan" My eyes lifted from their spot on the floor, did he remember me? After all this time was it possible that he was still in there somewhere? Keeping my voice neutral I egged him on. "Really what a coincidence" His faced brightened at my sudden interest and he shifted towards me more. "Yes quite the coincidence. He was my youngest brother, I had 3 others" "Wow, big family then" I was really excited, maybe Scott was still there. Even though he didn't recognise me he still remembered me at least; this was defiantly a start. "Yes there were 5 of us. I was the Eldest then two years behind me was John then two years behind him was Virgil, two years behind Virgil was Gordon and lucky last 3 years behind Gordon was Alan" He was practically beaming at me, his pride ringing in his voice as he said our names. "They sound very interesting, could you tell me about them?" I could tell I was making his day. Why hadn't I thought of trying this method before? Mentally kicking myself I watched as he described, in great detail and with great pride, each one of us.
All of a sudden I had a brain wave, "Sorry to interrupt Sir but would you mind if I recorded you. It's just I have some friends who are doing some studies about big families and I think they would find this very interesting" I was of course recording this for our brothers but I couldn't tell him that. They would be over joyed that after all this time Scott still remembered them. He thought for a moment and then smiled warmly at me. "Sure you can son, anything to help future educators" Grinning back at him I fumbled around for my phone. Quickly setting it to record I nodded for Scott to continue.
"Well, ok where do I start? I had a family of 7 but my mother died when I was 12, avalanche accident, and my father disappeared when I was in my twenties and I have 4 very accomplished brothers. John is the second eldest; he had the most patience out of all of us. I swear if it weren't for John when I was growing up I probably would have burst from all the stress. He really helped me through some rough patches, like helping put the younger ones to bed on time or helping explain to our younger brother, Alan, why he didn't have a mum." He smiled sadly but continued "John was always my confidant, I could tell him anything, trust him with anything. I trust him with my life" John would be pleased with that. The two oldest Tracy's always had a special bond. I encouraged him to continue.
"After John, came Virgil. Virgil like John had lots of patience, though we didn't too often test it. Virgil was always the most creative out of all of us, he had mastered Mozart pieces by the time he was twelve and he even had some of his paintings in galleries by the time he was seventeen. Did I mention we all had nicknames?" I shook my head in response "Well we did, I was Scooter, John was space case, Gordon was Fish face or squirt, Alan was Sprout or Allie and Virgil was either Virg or bear" I smiled, I knew why he was called a bear but for the sake of the moment I played dumb "Why was he called bear of all things?" "We always called Virgil a bear for many reasons. His height was one reason; he is the shortest out of all of us. His weigh was another, he wasn't overly large but he was built solid and is defiantly the strongest physically out of all of us. However the main reason we called him a bear was because of his ability to hibernate" He laughed at his own wording which in turn made my smile grow, I hadn't seen him laugh in a very long time. "Man that kid could sleep, it was rumoured that not even the sound of the Thunderbirds could wake him up." I smiled at his last comment, he may or may not remember the Thunderbirds but I know for a fact that he is right. We once tested different sounds to see what would make Virgil wake, not even the sound of Thunderbird Ones engines could rouse our sleep loving brother. "Yes Virgil was always dependable, his belief in my brothers, his belief in me, never faltered." I smiled at him but I knew it didn't reach my eyes, while we all loved my brother I will admit that our faith in him has wavered ever since the doctor's diagnosis. Even Virgil had to admit that after a while his faith in Scott had wavered. I forced myself out of those depressing thoughts and onto the more positive outcomes. My brothers would still be pleased to hear this.
"Well two years after Virgil came Gordon. Yep good old Gordon, I remember when they first brought him home from the hospital; we were quite shocked to see a baby with red hair! Red hair of all things, we should have guessed it would be a clue to his loud bubbly personality. Yes Gordon never failed to make you laugh, although annoying sometimes, it was always appreciated. You know how earlier I said that Virgil was the strongest physically? Well Gordon is the strongest mentally. He was no genius like John mind you but he was the most driven and determined person I've ever known. When he was young, he was in a hydrofoil accident. He damaged his spine so severely that the doctors told him to face the possibility that he might never walk again. However Gordon has never been one to listen to logic and slowly but surely he defied them all. Learning to walk again was tough for him, he had good days and bad days, but he showed strength I couldn't even imagine. Through his whole ordeal he kept up that bright cheeky smile. Yes Gordon was one of the strongest people I know." As Scott finished talking I could tell he was going to talk about me next. I was a little nervous, what would he say? Would he be proud of me like he was with my brothers? Or would I just be plain old Alan? I didn't have to wait long to find out because Scott was soon talking again.
"Last but not least came my youngest brother Alan. Boy, there was never a dull moment with that kid. He was always on the go, up for any challenge or adventure. I was always close to Alan, and not just the typical oldest and youngest bond either, it was something more. After our mother died my father buried himself in his work, so it was up to me to raise Alan. I watched him grow in life from his first day in kindergarten to his college graduation, I taught him how to swim, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car which he's still not very good at mind you, but most importantly I taught that kid to be the best darn man he could. I think I did alright if I do say so myself, he's certainty not afraid of anything that's for sure. That kid has nerves of steel, always has, guess it comes from having older brothers huh?" "Yes it probably does" I replied. "Alan was like the best parts of us mixed in together, I mean don't get me wrong Alan was certainly an individual but… he had parts of us in him. He had Dads 'Won't take No for an answer' attitude; he had mum's ability to see the best in people, which was one of his better traits mind you. He had my stubbornness and Johns quick thinking skills. He had Virgil's eye for detail and he had Gordons sense of humour and ability to get in trouble. There was never any doubt Alan was the best mix of all the Tracy's mixed into one"
I sat there for a moment just thinking about the proud words he said about me. I had never realised all the things Scott had done for me, maybe that's why I kept coming to this place everything month, in the hopes that Scott would have something new to teach me like he did when I was little. Another thing that struck me was his comment about me being a mixed bag. I knew he was right I was all those things but the way he said it…I've never felt more grateful that I had such a wonderful loving family growing up. I knew deep down that Scott was the heart of our family. I looked back at Scott; I could see the uncertainty in his eyes almost like he was deciding whether or not to ask me something. He must have decided because he said his next words so quietly I almost missed them.
"After all that I've told you, do…do you think they would be proud of me?" To say I was shocked was an understatement, I was shaken that Scott could ever think such a thing. Quickly recovering myself I replied as honestly and as whole heartedly as I could "Yes Sir, from what I have heard your brothers sound like wonderful men and I'm sure they would all agree with me when I say that they learnt from the best" He smiled, I could see his eyes were shining with tears but he refused to let them fall. When he spoke again his voice was full of gratitude. "Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me." I simply smiled back at him before turning to stare out the window. I could still feel his soft gaze on me though so I turned back to look at him, his next words gave me new hope. More hope than I have had in a long time, maybe more hope than I've had in my whole life, "You remind me of him you know" "who's that?" I replied innocently, I honestly had no idea who he was talking about. "You remind me of my brother Alan"
Well what did you guys think? I know its a bit sad but I really felt strongly about this. Please review, constructive criticism is welcome! Thankyou once again for reading! :)
-Blue phoenix42