He stood on the roof of the school, his sneaker peering over the edge of the building curiously. He looked down and noticed the black road beneath him mocking him, as if saying, "You won't do it. You never do."
It was true. How many times had he been in this same position? Maybe not on the roof at Degrassi, sure, but in just as compromising a situation as he was now. Yet every time he was ready to end it all something pulled him back from the edge.
Not this time.
No one knew where he was this time. He doubted they were even searching for him. Who did he have that cared anymore anyway?
Alli had tried to calm him down during his anxiety attack in the classroom but he'd only yelled at her and probably scared her off.
Dallas would surely still be fuming after the stunt Cam had pulled at the hockey pep rally. Why had he even hit Zig in the first place? The rage he felt still resonated in his chest but as for why he actually hit the WhisperHug member, it all seemed so stupid now. He should have known he had nothing to worry about, he should have known that he could trust Maya.
Maya. The only person he really needed at this school and he'd single handedly destroyed that relationship in less than three days of being back. Why was he always so stupid? Maya would never look at him the same way again and she definitely wouldn't give him another chance.
You blew it, Cam. You always blow it. Just do it already. End it.
The events of the day hadn't been enough to push Cam to where he was now. Losing Maya crippled him and Dallas berating him in front of half the school was enough to make him want to hop a flight right back to Kapuskasing but it was that damn panic attack that forced Cam to climb the flight of steps to the roof.
Why was this starting again? Wasn't there anything he could do to stop them? To stop feeling so alone and unhappy?
Aside from the precious moments he spent with Maya, he was constantly miserable at Degrassi. Even worse, during his week home over break he found himself equally as miserable. It was as if during his time away his old life had moved on. He no longer belonged in Kapuskasing and he sure as hell didn't belong at Degrassi. But if he didn't belong at either place...
Where do I belong?
The answer he found himself coming up with a lot lately remained the same: Nowhere.
He took another step forward as he thought about the consequences of what he was about to do. Were there any?
The Ice Hounds could pull it together and go on without him. He'd been out of commission for the past month or so anyway because of his arm. Surely they'd figured out how to function without their "rookie" by now.
Then there was Maya. Would she even care?
Of course she would. And you know she'd kick your ass if she knew what you were thinking of doing right now.
He felt guilty leaving her behind but he'd already ruined everything anyway. Even if he stepped back from the ledge and walked down into the school right now, who was waiting for him? She certainly wasn't. And if she wasn't waiting for him anymore, there was no one else to fall back on.
He had made up his mind. This was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. He had no more ties to this world. His family was thousands of miles away and moving on with their lives without him, his team had abandoned him, he had no friends whatsoever, and the girl he loved more than life itself had just dumped him in an empty classroom. He was finally free.
As he nudged even closer to the edge he felt as though he had been waiting for this moment his entire life, as weird as that may sound. Nothing had ever intrigued him as much as falling two stories through the air to his certain death. He was ready and surprisingly calm.
He gulped down two giant breaths of air and looked up into the sky one last time. Instead of seeing the vibrant sun rays that colored the sky or the few birds that flew overhead, he saw her face. He recalled her bright blonde hair and her dazzling blue eyes. Then he remembered her smile, his favorite thing about her. When she smiled, she could light up a whole room. He realized then that smile was the only reason he hadn't done this sooner. She was the only reason he had made it so long.
He breathed in one last time before leaning forward and that's when he heard it.
"Cam, no! Oh my god! What are you doing?"
He didn't even need to turn around to know that the voice belonged to that smiling savior he had just been dreaming about. Slowly, with a look of pure guilt smeared across his face, Cam turned his head to stare at Maya. Every word he'd ever known got caught in his throat and made his mouth go dry. What could he even say?
"Campbell, what're you doing? Please tell me this isn't what it looks like. Look, I know I broke up with you but please don't do this. You know I still love you, right?" Her frantic voice filled the space between them and he could see the tears starting to form in her beautiful blue eyes.
"I... Maya. This, this isn't about that. I just, I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what? Cam, please. Just come stand by me, we can talk about this, we can work through this. Please." Her eyes pleaded with him as he shook his head and regained his firm stance.
"No, Maya. I'm sorry. I..." Shit. He wasn't supposed to cry. This wasn't supposed to be sad. He was supposed to fall, hit the pavement, and then everyone could move on with their lives. No tears shed.
"Campbell, please." Her voice was practically desperate now and he silently wondered how he could put someone he loved in such a position.
"I'm not happy, Maya. Don't you get it? I've tried, I've tried so hard. For you. Because I love you. But I just can't do this anymore. Each day is a struggle, each morning I wake up and wonder when my next panic attack will be or when something else in me will snap like it did today. And all I do is screw everything up. I'm tired of fighting, Maya. I can't anymore. I have nothing left to fight for."
"You have me, Campbell. You still have me. Look, I know today was bad and I'm sorry for what I said to you but I still love you. And it'll get better..."
"It won't get better, Maya! It never gets better with me! And no matter how much I care about you and no matter how much I want this to work, it never will. I'll just screw it up again and again and I'm so tired of ending up back at the same place. I'm so tired, Maya."
"Hey... I'm going to help you. We're going to get through this, together. I will not let you end up back at the same place anymore. I want you to be happy, Campbell, more than anything. Please, just try to be happy. One more time. For me."
Maya, her face wet with desperation and her words coming out in short, choppy sobs, made her way over to Campbell and reached for his hand hesitantly. He reached out and intertwined their fingers gripping tightly as if his life depended on her.
"Okay." It was all he had to say as Maya breathed a sigh of relief and enveloped him in a hug her hands finding their way into his ruffled hair.
After what seemed like forever, they eventually untangled themselves and headed for the rooftop door only to have Maya stop abruptly and look into Cam's glossy eyes.
"Promise me you will never think of doing anything like this ever again. Promise me, Campbell."
"I promise."
He thought back on the promises he had broken throughout his life. There was the time Justin made him promise not to tell their parents that he had snuck out during a school night to go to some club downtown. He broke that promise the second his brother left for school the next morning, running into the kitchen to tell his parents all about Justin's whereabouts the night before. A furious Justin was grounded for 2 months and refused to talk to Cam for about the same length of time.
Then there was the time his friend Nathan turned in a paper he bought off the internet and made Cam promise he would never utter a word. The teacher came to Cam, of all people, questioning the authenticity of the paper and as soon as his anxiety started acting up he caved within a matter of seconds. Nathan wouldn't talk to him for about as long as Justin.
Of course there were others but he figured this broken promise triumphed them all. As he stared off into the black abyss and inched closer toward the edge of the roof for a second time that day, he wondered what possessed him to climb those steps again. Then he decided it didn't matter anymore because this time he would go through with it.
He knew his decision would crush Maya and he hated what he was about to do to her. He only hoped that she would find it in her heart to eventually forgive him. Hopefully one day she would realize that he was far too broken to ever be fixed. He tried for her for as long as he could but the weight on his shoulders only got heavier with each passing day. He hoped that she knew how much he loved her and realized that she was the only thing anchoring him for so long.
As he stared at the half moon glistening in the night sky, he recalled her face one last time and whispered his final apology.
"I'm sorry, Maya."
He stepped as if there was more roof to catch his foothold before falling into the nighttime. For a split second he could feel the sensation of falling and then almost as quickly as it had began, it all ended.
The darkness surrounded him.