What the fuck is up,
it's me again - that bitch.
Billie Eilish's new album has fucking inspired me and I thought of this piece, so I fucking wrote it and I hope you like it.
Please don't expect work from me I am only a disappointment.
Also! I'm so sorry if I deleted your favorite story of mine, I was looking at some of my past work and it just is the worst fucking quality I've ever read it's laughable. So I removed that stuff, because I'm better than that!
Anyway, here's this garbage.
Please stream "WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?"
Benny wasn't gay.
He thought he was for a while, because that's all there was right? You were either straight or you were gay. At least, that's what Benny supposed. But he knew he still liked girls, he still masturbated to girls. But he also knew that there was something about someone specific that lit a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach. A feeling that made him feel like he was lighter than a feather.
"Bisexual" is what the internet, handy-dandy Google machine told him.
"Bisexual," Benny said to himself in the comfort of his bedroom. Yeah, that felt right.
But he was the only one who knew that he felt akin to that word. He was afraid to say it to anyone else, even his best friends. Not that he thought they wouldn't accept him, but he was afraid of a possible follow-up question.
"So, do you have any crushes on any boys right now?"
Benny was honest to his friends for the most part, he didn't like lying to them, and the answer to the question was yes.
It was more than yes.
He didn't just have a crush on some random boy in one of his classes. No, he was in love - with his best friend Ethan.
And he didn't want to have to lie about what he was feeling, but he also would rather die than tell his best friend of his entire life that he's way more attracted to him than he should be.
So, he chose not to talk about his bisexuality, because Benny knew Ethan wasn't in any tiny form gay.
It was obvious in his friend's actions towards their other friend Sarah. Ethan wanted to be near her, impress her, and so on. It was getting nauseating for Benny as they started to flirt with each other at lunch, at their lockers, when they hung out. It's how Benny found out that he was in love with Ethan, because the internet told him the nausea was "jealousy". Benny was trying to get rid of the nausea. He was doing his best to rid the wishfulness inside him that wanted Ethan to come to him in one day and admit he felt the same way.
And he thought he was doing a good job, at keeping his emotions in their respectful graves.
That was, until someone started to notice.
This someone came to him.
It was a Wednesday night during the fall semester of the school year.
Benny had come home from school that afternoon exhausted, drained. More so than normal. There was a loud voice in his head that told him it was because it was the middle of the week. That school was starting to feel heavy again. But there was a softer voice that told him the truth. It told him he knew it was because of how often Sarah and Ethan were touching at lunch. That Sarah jokingly calling Ethan her boyfriend when they stood at their lockers felt like it wasn't a joke. That the way Ethan looked at Sarah when she talked was getting to be a bit much.
When Benny trudged himself up to his bedroom that afternoon, he threw himself on to his bed, and felt his heart ache. It ached as if someone had plunged into his chest and ripped his heart from its nerves.
It made his throat tighten. And the corner of his eyes stung with tears. Benny rarely cried. He just wasn't an emotional person. But that afternoon, he wrapped his arms around himself and let the tears fall down his cheeks. A small sob escaped his lips and he felt even more defeated. His entire soul was just tired. His insides felt like he was at the bottom of the ocean, struggling for air, drowning in his emotions. He felt so stupid. Which God or Goddess decided that this was going to be his tribulation? Why did it have to be this? And why did it have to be so painful?
Benny cried for a while, but eventually he fell asleep.
"Benny!" the sound of his Grandma's voice from downstairs is what awoke him from his crying-induced slumber.
"Dinner is ready!" she called out.
He wasn't particularly hungry that night, but he didn't want to worry his Grandma. So, he straightened himself out and made sure that he didn't look like he had cry before making his way downstairs to join his Grandma for dinner. Dinner seemed to be preceding as normal. Benny asked Grandma about her day and Grandma asked about his. It was going well until -
"Why hasn't Ethan been around lately? Did you guys get into a fight?" Grandma asked.
Benny felt his heart fall to his feet. Grandma always knew when he was lying, goddamn it, there was no way to lie to her. So, perhaps he would start with the first truth.
"Grandma, I'm bisexual." he admitted.
He watched as Grandma looked surprised at first, but then her face turned into kind understanding.
"Are you afraid to tell Ethan? Because you think it will make him uncomfortable?" Grandma asked.
"That's not even half of it, Benny thought.
"Yeah, I'm really afraid." he said, because it technically was not a lie.
"Well, Benny, I don't think Ethan would treat you any different...
The doorbell rang before Evelyn could continue.
"I'll get it, Grandma," Benny assured, thankful that the universe was presenting him with something that wasn't the current conversation.
He went to the door and opened it to find, Erica on the other side.
"Erica? What are you doing here? Is something wrong...or is this a prank?" Benny asked.
"Look, I know I pick on you all the time and I act like you're so annoying and that I'm so mean. But it's really an act, and I'm not doing that right now because it's really important to me that I talk to you like a real friend." Erica proclaimed
He felt his eyes go wide, because he had never heard anything like that from the blonde vampire before.
"Benny, who's at the door?" Evelyn called, peering into the living room from the kitchen.
"It's just Erica!" he answered back.
"Would you like to go on a walk?" Erica asked as Benny turned back to her, concern and kindness filled her green eyes. Something Benny was not used to seeing.
Benny went and told his Grandma that he was going for a walk with Erica; told her that he would be back before 9:00 and with that the two began their walk.
"What made you come talk to me?" Benny asked, looking up at the taller girl.
"I've noticed the way you've been acting at school...you look so sad. You look so sad when Ethan and Sarah flirt. When he's not looking, you look at him like he put the stars in the sky, but then he took them all down. And I know you're not talking to him about it. So, I just want to make sure...you're...you know, okay." Erica said.
Benny felt the same twinge of sadness in his heart, but at the same time there was a touch of warmth. He appreciated Erica's concern, a lot more than he would admit out loud, because Erica wasn't soft. She was hostile. She was the definition of tough love, but here she was. Taking time out of her day to check on Benny.
The two of them had managed to find their way to a park not too far away from his house. They found their way over to a lonely swing-set and sat down.
Benny took a deep breath. His grandma was the first person he had come out to and that was not even twenty minutes beforehand. But Erica was being vulnerable with him, Benny could at least do the same.
"Erica, please don't tell anyone, but I'm bi. I like girls and boys." he admitted, looking up at the sky as the sunset began to progress, before turning and looking at Erica to see her reaction.
He was met only with a friendly smile.
"And you love Ethan, don't you?" she wondered, he nodded in response.
"It's just...so fucking shitty to watch him fall in love with her everyday." Benny groaned. Tears began to appear in his eyes once again. He directed his gaze at the sandy gravel underneath their feet.
His hand which laid limply at his side gained weight to it, and he looked to find that Erica had taken his hand in hers. He looked up into her eyes to find that kindness again.
"I know it's hard. And it's okay to hurt, it's going to hurt for a while. And you know, some days will be better than others. But I promise it will get better, one day it won't hurt as bad, it's just going to take some time. And you have so much time. But please don't let this ruin your friendship with Ethan. I can already tell you that you would hurt far more if you lost him from your life entirely." Erica advised.
Benny nodded his head, because of course, his life would be horrible without his best friend. He would never want to lose Ethan forever.
"You're right, I won't let it ruin it, I just kind of wish he was gay." Benny laughed sadly.
"That's okay too," Erica replied with a sad smile.
The two of them continued swinging. They laughed and Erica pushed Benny on the swing with all of her vampire strength that she had to catch him out of the air. Benny pusher Erica on the swings and realized he needed to get a lot stronger. They talked some more and told each other things they weren't going to tell the others. And when Benny went home that night, and crawled into bed - his heart didn't hurt the same way.
He just kind of wished Ethan was gay.