MR. BRIGHTSIDE
Song by: The Killers
Author's Note: I fell in love with this song and wanted to try and apply it to one of my favorite pairings. Originally written for a friend's birthday. Hope you enjoy!
I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta, gotta be down because I want it all
No other species upon this earth lies like humans do. Sure, maybe they'll mislead each other or hide things from each other, but it's for survival or innocent play. No other species that I know of maliciously tells falsehoods for no apparent reason with such alarming regularity as humans.
But I'm not naïve— people have secrets. And I'm aware that Lily's going to keep things from me. Just because she's my fiancée doesn't mean she can't have secrets. A certain number of secrets can be healthy for a person; gives them a sense of who they are. I'm fine with her having things that only she knows. But this isn't something she should be doing, much less hiding from me. I want all of her, not some of her, even if his part is my leftovers. A love like ours is not something you share with anyone else, and she knows that.
So does he, and I suspect he feels the same way. No one wants the leftovers, especially if they're more than capable of getting the real thing on their own. But if he's as desperate for her as I think he must be- desperate enough to risk this- then I suppose he'll take what he can get.
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
On New Year's of last year, I kissed him. Just a friendly peck on the corner of the mouth. He accepted it graciously. And then, I couldn't forget him.
I couldn't forget how he felt as he'd pulled my head onto his shoulder or how he'd held me when I cried because James was out fighting. It was ironic because the moment I realized I wanted him I was missing James. He'd held me to his side and whispered that James would come home to me, safe and happy and tired from protecting me. But it wasn't what I wanted; I wanted what was there. I wanted the smell of cigarettes and leather and sweat and grease that I was huddled into, and then I felt guilty and turned away.
But I couldn't forget. I refused to let Sirius Black slip out of James and my lives when he was trying to, and we became closer. He was such a good friend to us, and then he and I were a little too close for any of our likings. I told myself over and over that it had just been a kiss on the cheek, and it shouldn't have affected me, but it did. Which convinced me that there was something there— something strong. So I sought him out.
I sought him out one night when James was gone again and begged him to stay with me because I was afraid. It was not a lie, I was afraid. Of him and what he did to me. What he did to me that made me love him more than I should have. That night, I kissed him again and we spun in the rain and I just couldn't believe that James wouldn't want something this wonderful for both of us.
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
"Sirius..."
"It's all right, James, sit back down. Honestly, you're practically as bad as he is." Lily presses a light kiss to my temple, pushing me back down on the steps before dragging him forward. "I'll get him home safe, I promise. C'mon, you."
"Happy... New Years... hic... mate..." he says as she pulls him to a standing position. "Have a good one..." I laugh to myself and watch through hooded eyes as she pulls him to the curb, holding her arm out for a taxi, since he lives in Muggle London now. He lists to the side and she laughs, ducking under his arm to hold him up. I can't hear her laugh as well as I can see it and I smile. He holds his hands close together near his face, one arm still hooked around her neck and I squint in confusion, before seeing the little spark of light and realizing that he's smoking. He never does it in our flat, and I think it's getting harder for him. I'm just about to yell at him to stop smoking that close to Lily's face, but she lifts her face towards his and he places the cigarette in her mouth. She takes a long draw, before lifting her hand and giving the fag back to him.
I tilt back against the porch rail. The whole reason he doesn't smoke at our place is Lily; she says it's not healthy. I agree, but I lived with him for years— I'm used to it! Now, here she is, smoking his cigarettes and letting him smoke near her and he's so close to her that when he breathes out the smoke, she can swallow it and she does and then, oh balls. He's kissed her. I am ashamed of my friend and his drunkenness that allows him to do such things. I am ashamed of me, and the drunkenness that prevents me from doing anything to stop him. She pulls away and packs him into a cab. She's by my side and pulling me upstairs before I can even apologize for him.
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
She goes with him, of course, so as not to look suspicious. I feel the twinge of guilt I always feel when she gives me a quick kiss in front of him. But he's too happy, too blissfully ignorant, too DRUNK to notice. And besides, she makes it look friendly. Normal. But after that, as they enter their building and I see them, watch them climb all those flights of stairs from the front of the building, for the first time, I feel a twinge of jealousy too. And I know it's too late to end things now. Because I'd always been okay with this, only having part of her. I'd never cared that I was her second choice, her afterthought. Or, at least, I'd told myself I didn't. And now I do and I know it. It leaves a taste in my mouth that I don't like. I toss my cigarette out the window, and lean back in the seat, pressing my hands against my eyes until fluid colors burst and I don't know what I'm looking at.
Let me go
I just can't look it's killing me
And taking control
They're fighting. They're fighting and I hate it. They're brothers; they love each other like family; I've never seen them fight before, at least not seriously. But now they can't stop. They bicker over the smallest, stupidest things. Sirius picks fights so that he can storm out early. James sits in sullen silence until he does it. It's starting to drive me mad. And now, they're really having it out, in our living room. I haven't been listening, but suddenly, I have a very good reason to.
"I love her!" someone says. I can't believe I heard that. I can't believe he loves me. A tremble of shame creeps up my spine, but it is soon washed aside by the inexplicable joy I feel. I have a fiancé, a stable, strong, smart man who loves me already. But his affection never brought me this boundless, giddy joy, the happiness I feel now that I know Sirius loves me. "I love her," he continues. "And I want her." I peer through the doorway, and unfortunately, James is facing me. Sirius is not. The whole time I walk closer, James glares at me. Sirius is confused, but turns and sees me.
"Lily," he says, but I pass him by. James shoots him a look so smug I want to hit him. As if this isn't hard enough on everyone. I walk to my fiancée, place my hand upon his cheek and look into his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I say, more firmly than I thought I'd be able to manage and turn around. I imagine that his jaw has dropped, but I daren't turn and check. I walk to Sirius this time, and take his hand. He too is surprised; I did not even know I was planning that— how could he?
"Let's go," I say, and he turns, leading me from my ex-future-home. I have no clue what I'm doing, just that I'm controlled by the brilliant, painful joy Sirius Black brought upon me with one phrase.
"I love you too," I say, and as he turns to stare at me, I Apparate us to his messy little flat, where there is a table, some chairs, a bottle of wine, and many unpacked boxes waiting for us. We stare around at it all for a moment, and then he pulls me into his arms. We rest, my head on his chest. I listen to his heartbeat and it grounds me in this life.
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
When I see them now, I hurt. It's like they've pushed new pins into a doll of my heart every time I see them, together or apart. After everything, they both disappeared for a while. I felt it was best, so they didn't become victims of my rage.
As weeks went by, I learned to control my rage. It deadened and finally fell away, but it left a sad, ashamed jealousy in its wake. Why had I not been good enough for her? And why had he been better? Sirius was like a brother to me, and even he said I was a more solid choice for any bird. He liked to have fun with girls, not dedicate himself to them. I should have been the one.
After about a month, they returned. Quietly, separately, they returned. Remus told me they'd decided to stay apart for a while, see if they could be happy with anyone else. For days, I lay on my couch, listening to a stack of old childhood recordings I'd found while Lily-purging the attic, waiting for her to come by and give me another shot. But she never did.
When she finally did come by, I'd bypassed my grieving and my patheticism, and had found solace in work. I was working twelve, fifteen hour days and found her waiting on my porch one day. I went to let her in, but she declined, saying she was only there to tell me that she was sorry again, and that she and Sirius had decided to try "for real." I forgot to breathe for a moment, and then, I asked her to leave. She did, glancing back at me with a gaze so sorrowful that I realized the problem wasn't just him. It was me.
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I'm Mr. Brightside
When we'd gotten to my flat after leaving James' house, I brought Lily's face to mine and kissed her hard. She kissed me back and then we spent the rest of the night unpacking my things in silence. The next day Remus brought over several boxes of her things and we unpacked them in silence. On the third day, she broke the silence.
"I think we should at least try to be apart," she said as we sat at my tiny table eating chicken sandwiches and drinking butterbeer. "I love you, but if I can survive with anyone else… It's only fair to him, Sirius." I knew she was right. The past few days, I'd only felt guilty about James; I hadn't reveled in her company. She was just more eloquent than I, and thus, able to explain her feelings.
"I agree," I said. "We should at least try, for his sake. For a while."
"A month," she said. "We'll know by then." I chanced a glance at her and found her staring back.
"How can you be sure?" I asked. She kept my gaze.
"It took me three weeks and six days to admit there was something wrong between him and I that hadn't been wrong all along. It took a day for me to decide it was you." I flinched and she started crying.
We stayed up, talking over a crate of butterbeer, until the sun rose. She explained that, at first, just James' old faults had bothered her: his workaholic-ism, his occasional immaturity, his refusal to tell her where he went on the full moon. But they'd fought through all those things in those almost-four weeks, and she hadn't felt better. And then she knew for certain.
I told her how I'd come to rely on her first. Over the weeks, I became increasingly dependent on her company to keep me happy. Then, I realized I didn't need her company to be happy, as long as she was happy. And after a few days, I realized she wasn't happy. I began to want all of her when I began to sense that she wanted me at all. And somehow, we came together at the right moment. It was hard for both of us to believe that we'd decided to betray James in only four weeks time. We felt even more ashamed that, after our realizations, we'd dragged on his oblivious torture for five more months. It only convinced us further that we needed more time. I tried to persuade her to use her month to try James again.
"No," she said. "All but a day of that month was spent deciding he wasn't right for me."
"But you said you'd just decided it was me in that last day. If I'm out of the picture-"
"No, I said I'd figured out what the NEW problem was. All the old problems would still be there, Sirius, and they'd still bother me. I don't love him." I stopped trying to convince her.
We parted ways and I found that she was right. I didn't want to see other women. I finally decided to just try it alone. A small ache started for her, but I ignored it and went along in my pseudo-bachelor's life. I almost forgot that I was trying to last a month, but the ache grew, and at last, it became unbearable. I sought her out, and she beamed and said, "I knew you'd come." I must have given her a confused look, because she smiled and said, "Our month's over."
The next morning, when I woke, I turned and saw light spilling over Lily's silhouette. Her body created a small sunrise of purple shadows over my bed. She stirred, turning to smile at me.
"Hello, love," she said. I looked down at the red hair and pale skin and purple shadows that made up this woman and kissed them.
"Yes," I said. "Hello."
Author's Note: I'm not sure what I think about this piece, currently. When I first wrote it (2008-ish?), I felt like it was strong, but now I don't know. Especially the POV changes. It feels really disjointed and the only character who I feel really has a strong voice is Lily. Aargh, I don't know. Well, I'm uploading it for comments and revision ideas, so please read and review!