I am normally a very rational person.

When people think "Carly Shay" they think of girliness and cupcakes and giggling, not grudges and anger management and causing physical pain. That's normally Sam's thing.

But oh my God, Shane is going to pay.

I guess it all started a few months ago; Shane (AV-club-love-triangle-fell-down-the-elevator-shaft-Shane) finally got out of the hospital after like six and a half months, and then I was talking to him, and we were all flirty, and then he totally asked me out, and I was kind of thinking "Did you get brain damage in that accident, cuz it was kind of my fault that you fell nine stories," but hey, I'm not complaining.

So I said yes, of course, because if a guy asks you out even after you nearly (indirectly) killed him and caused him to spend six months in a hospital and countless more in therapy, you know he's a keeper! Or crazy. But let's go with 'keeper'. And the good thing was I didn't even have to worry about Sam because she and Pete are all happily dating now! And for three and a half months, Shane was the best boyfriend ever.

And then yesterday after school, the most horrible thing ever in the world happened. Seriously, even worse than if the earth was pumped full of pressurized air and exploded, like we did to the watermelon and Freddie's pants on that one iCarly.

It's raining again (oh Seattle) and the road is full of mud puddles and I'm kind of fearing for the safety of my ballet flats, but who cares! Because tonight Shane and I are totally going to see that new rom-com and it will be fantastic, and Sam and Pete are apparently going to a MMA fight, which I guess is their idea of romantic, and Freddie… well, Freddie's going to mother-son pottery class, but I'm sure he'll get someone eventually.

So Sam and I are both gushing about our boyfriends- well, I'm gushing. Sam doesn't really "gush". But she's getting pretty close; Pete makes her even happier than icky Jonah did.

"And afterwards, we're going to go get dinner at the Cheesecake Warehouse! We were going to go to that schmancy Italian place, but then I remembered I've been banned for life from there…" Sam chatters as she pushes Freddie into the next, really huge mud puddle that's too big for even her to jump and walking over him (she had fish sticks for lunch. With tartar sauce.)

When he's done spluttering and wiping mud out of his eyes, Freddie makes some kind of angry remark to her, which is cut short by Sam saying in a couldn't-care-less-that-I-probably-just-ruined-everything-you're-wearing-and-totally-disrespected-you-tone "Look, Fredalina, I didn't want to get my new Chucks dirty. Stop being such a prissy." Then Sam shoves her foot in his face so he can admire her new high-tops, nearly kicking him in the nose and making him fall over backwards into the mud puddle again. Judging by the way she smirks, this was a planned side-effect.

I half-heartedly scold Sam, but I'm used to it. Sam and Freddie are… weird. They constantly fight and cause each other harm, but for some reason only around other people. If you can catch them when they think nobody's around, they totally act all close and best-friend-y. Spencer is convinced that one day they'll start dating, but I dunno. Even if Sam and Pete broke up any time soon, which I don't think will happen, it would take extensive brain damage on both Sam and Freddie to get them to go out… right? Whatever, thinking about this makes my brain hurt.

And so me, Sam, and Freddie the mud-monster are walking towards the Groo Smoo, like we always do after school, and we're passing one of those little coffee shops that are always having poetry slams and stuff, when Sam, who was gazing longingly at the display of baked goods in the window, stops dead and says, really loud, "Holy crab chiz!" to which Freddie replies, "What?" and turns around and then he and Sam exchange a series of Looks (which makes me feel totally left out, by the way) and Freddie says really loudly, "I sure could use a smoothie!" and Sam replies, much more casually, "Whatever, Dorkpants. Come on Carls, T-Bo said he's selling cheeseburgers on a stick today, and Momma needs some meat."

SO not fooling me. Okay, maybe Sam was convincing, but Freddie might as well have held up a sign that said, "This is a distraction!"

"Oh, come on, guys," I laugh, and look in the window. And I think I might've screamed, but I'm not really sure.

Because in there was Shane (who said he had to babysit his little brother today!) and Terrine (TERRINE!) lip-locked over two cappuccinos. Like, hard-core making out.

"Um…" Freddie begins. But my brain is leaking out my ears. I think.

And I'm feeling shocked and betrayed and I want to burst into tears, but then Anger comes in and sends all my other emotions cowering into corners. And then I'm shaking Freddie's bewildered hand off my shoulder and burst into the shop so hard the annoying bell falls off the door frame and there's an ominous cracking sound as the door hits the wall. Shane and Terrine (TERRINE!) surface and I must've looked really demented and scary because Shane looks like he's about to run for his life and Terrine has nothing to say, which is like, a Jonas World Record.

"SO!" I snarl, pointing my finger at him in accusation. "EXPLAIN! RIGHT NOW!" Shane starts to open his mouth, and then I realize that no explanation short of 'I'm not Shane, I'm his twin who was abducted by aliens at an early age and installed with a false alien brain and have just come back to Earth where I was cured of the alien parasite and given a lollipop. No, really, check the medical records' would have been sufficient.

"NO! DON'T! BECAUSE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! AND YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS IN YOUR OWN BLOOD!" I scream. Shane makes a squeaky sound. Terrine opens and closes her mouth silently. "AND YOU! YOU… YOU… SKUNKBAG! I'LL GET YOU TOO!" I turn my trembling finger towards her.

Then (and believe me, I didn't mean to) I kind of roared at them, and stormed out of the coffee shop, where everyone had been standing with dropped jaws.

Freddie looks scared, and Sam looks impressed. "Good show, kiddo. I thought Shane was about to wet himself."

And then I manage a kind of grimace-smile, and then I scream at the sky one more time, start bawling, and run all the way back to my apartment.

Where I've been sitting for the past few days, eating my way through tub after tub of ice cream, which Spencer keeps buying for me, even though I'm gonna get really fat, and watching soap operas.

And today, halfway through a carton of butter pecan, I remember my promise about revenge on the both of those lying, cheating, scum-sacks. And suddenly the angry is back, and they are going to be sorry about the day they ever crossed Carly Shay. I will make them beg for mercy, and then refuse to give it! I can almost feel the maniacal laughter coming on. And I'm going to need some help.

Snatching my cell, I type in speed-dial two, and as soon as she picks up, I ask her.

"Hey, Sam, you up for helping me pound my ex-boyfriend into the ground?"

I can practically hear the evil grin. "Oh, Carly, I thought you would never ask."

a/n: this is going to be a multichapter fic, told entirely from Carly's point of view.

Speaking of which, I would love if you left some critique telling me if I actually got the point of view, or if it's completely ooc.

Also, there's probably going to be Seddie in future chapters. Just a warning. :]