Written on October 10, 2008
I dreamed of dying before and I dream of dying again.
I once stared outside of the window of my classroom and realized that nothing is going to change. The blue sky will remain blue, the grass green, and my world black and white. All I have are these memories, but even I don't think about them. All I ever think about are the nightmares of my past. I do not choose to remember them. They just appear in forms of flashbacks. They are meant to hurt me. They are there to keep me in line.
There are times when I wish to leave this life behind. Placing on a mask that doesn't fit your style is tiring and extremely bothersome. I loathe the fact that I have to wake up every morning and constantly tell myself that this isn't my life. This life doesn't belong to Lelouch Vi Britannia. It belongs to Lelouch Lamperouge.
I do not voice my inner thoughts. Actually, emotions were never my strong point. I've been ignoring them for years and sometimes, I wonder where my fleeting heart went off to because I no longer feel anything. I'm just an empty shell, programmed to live this life even though it doesn't benefit me at all.
I do not enjoy my life in general, but I do have a reason to live. Behind the veils of my darkest thoughts, there is a light. Her name is Nunnally. She's my younger sister and the love of my life. I'd do anything for her, anything to keep that smile on her face, the laughter in her heart, and the happiness within her soul. Everyday when I come home from school, I always look forward in seeing her because even in my lowest state of mind, she can cure the cancer spreading within me. Whenever I catch a glimpse of her, I understand now that this life doesn't just belong to Lelouch Lamperouge or me; it also belongs to Nunnally. I understand this all so well that I have set a life long goal for myself. I will destroy Britannia and create a world filled with peace just for her.
I dreamed of dying before and I dream of dying again, but in the end, I'll know she'll be happy.
Even without me.