A/N: Yo, I have returned. This one is a shitty John/Dave/Apple Juice fic. More so Dave/Apple juice actually. Enjoy?
Dear John,
Okay so apparently I'm supposed to be writing you a letter or some shit for english class. She said to write to your loved one and blah blah whatever man here you go. Don't think much of it, there was literally no one else to write to, and I can't afford to fail english too, despite it and all its bullshit. Anyways, prepare for some sweet writing, man.
So in this letter, I gotta address a bunch of shit that sounds boring and uncool and I'm not going to do any of it. Instead, I dedicate this stupid goddamn letter to something actually important. Applejuice. Oh man, I love the AJ. The beautiful nectar that comes as a gift from the stuck up snobs known as gods. You don't even seem to care that they're so stuck up and shit, because damn, that apple juice. It makes up for it. Fucking swoon. It's beautiful rich color and then the smell. Not to sound like Terezi or some shit but good damn, nothing can beat that fresh apple juice smell. It's more crisp than a fresh smuppet ass taken directly out of the oven of sickness. So fucking sweet. Apple juice is the god of all juices. And that's all there really is to say on that matter.
Now that I've discussed that bullshitery, I am remembering now one of your horrible romcoms and fuck man, I was about to drink apple juice. Whatever man, it's cool. I'm cool. I'll save it for later, I wasn't even that thirsty anyways and it's not like Howie Mandel could touch my AJ. Psh, he fucking wishes he could. Sits in bed late at night, plotting to piss in in my apple juice. Not just any, but mine specifically. One of the many downsides to being a famous man of the hour. He fucking keeps a journal and shit, writing in it every night, trying to figure out some hairbrained scheme to urinate in my precious apple juice, drawn out millions of ways to do it, never succeeding.
Okay, I'm nearing the bare minimum of this shitty letter. Sweet. Thanks man, hopefully I get a passing grade on this shit. I worked my ass off to get this thing done. Fucking worked my way through college and doubled as a prostitute to get this thing done. Dedicated my whole life to it, never worked so hard, man. All day everyday, my first thought in the morning-oh shit, my letter. Everything I do is for this goddamn letter, going to take a piss? For the letter man. Writing down some sick raps? For. The. Letter. Trolling some weak ass trolls? Better bet your ass it's for that ungrateful little shit known as the letter.
Okay, I'm out of room, and also I have more important items to attend to than this letter. Later man, thanks for being the receiving end of this bullshitery.
-Dave