Final Fantasy IX Goes to Hogwarts
It was a fine day on Gaia when suddenly, the spirit of ugly Queen Brahne appeared to our heroes who were camping out in Kuja's deserted Desert Palace.
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Kuja?
Garnet: Uh *shrugs*
Zidane: Garnet, you should really learn some manners, you're like a cave man for God's sakes.
Garnet: Oo! Oo! *grunts and runs off*
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Ku-
Queen Brahne appeared out of no where.
Zidane: Hey, get the heck out of our palace
Amarant: Yeah, fat lady. You don't deserve the luxury we now have *Chews on old chicken bone*
Brahne: Shut the heck up. I am here to give you a message. A very important message, at that.
Steiner: What is it then?
Brahne: Hoot hoot. *Imitates owl* I am here to tell you all that you have been chosen to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
All: *Silent*
Crickets chirp.
Zidane: Boo! *Throws bag of chips* You SUCK!
Brahne: *Glares* Fine. Then miss your magical educations for all I care! I'm just doing this because I'd be working at Home Depot otherwise!
Garnet: *Crawls out from darkness* I already know magic, fat bag
Brahne: No you don't
Garnet: Yeah I do
Brahne: *Zaps Garnet* Not any more
Garnet: *Crawls back into shadows* You're right...
Vivi: So when do we go?
Brahne: Now
Zidane: Okay...
There is a flash of light and suddenly the Final Fantasy IX crew is standing in the middle of the Great Hall.
All the Hogwarts kids and Staff: *Stare*
All the Final Fantasy IX crew: *Stare back*
Zidane: HELLO, EVERYBODY!!
Harry Potter: Hi, doctor Ni-
Ron Weasley: SHUT UP!!
Dumbledore: Hello! Hello! You must be the, er... new students. *Mumbles* I wish they would tell us next time they're going to send over a bunch of freaks...
McGonagall: Darn those Durmstranges
Zidane: We're not freaks. We're just... skaerf
Garnet: Whats' that?
Zidane: Freaks backward
Garnet: Oh...
Dumbledore: Anyway, you're just in time for the sorting! Why dont' you all come up here!
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Walk up to the front of the Hall where a hat and a stool are placed*
A random student: *Points at Steiner* That man is so old.
Dumbledore: SHUT UP!
McGonagall: Now, when I put this patched shapeless piece of fabric on your head it will tell you what house you are going to be sorted in. Any volunteers?
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Silent*
McGonagall: Okay, then... how about the gay looking cross-dressser?
Final Fantasy IX Crew: KUJA?
Kuja: Not anymore! *Runs up a wall*
McGonagall: Okay, maybe not... Then, you! Blonde kid with the tail!
Zidnae: Uh?
McGonagall: Yeah, you
Zidane: Sweet! Haha, Garnet! I'm first, I'm firs-
Garnet: *Punches nose*
Zidane: Uh... *Walks up to stool*
McGonagall: Okay, now this will only hurt for a minute... *Puts hat on Zidane's head*
Zidane: AHHH! *Begins seizing*
McGonagall: I was only joking...
Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw!
Ravenclaw table: BOO!
Zidane: SHUT UP!
Ravenclaw table: *Shuts up*
Zidane goes and takes place at Ravenclaw table.
McGonagall: Okay, next up. The forty-year-old in the rust infested armor.
Steiner: *Grumbles*
McGonagall: *Puts hat on*
Sorting Hat: Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: What the heck?
Steiner: *Goes and sits at Gryffindor table*
Eiko: *Begins jumping up and down* Me next! Me next!
Quina: No! Me! *Swollows Eiko*
McGonagall: Okay, why don't you both come up then...
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!
Quina: *Drooling* Mmm, creampuff...
Hufflepuff Table: Yeah! We get the Pillsbury doughboy!
Vivi walks up to be sorted.
McGonagall: Hey, how old are you?
Vivi: Uh... twenty-one
McGonagall: Ok *Drops sorting hat over Vivi's hat*
Sorting Hat: Uh... Slytherin!
Vivi: WHAT?
McGonagall: Eh, that's funny kid.
Sound of someone hitting the floor heard behind them.
McGonagall: Albus, maybe you should be putting in an add for a new Potions Master. I don't know how long he's going to last. I mean, this is his third heart- attack today...
Unconscious pile: Uh...
Dumbledore: Eh, I'll get someone on it right away....
Vivi: *Walks off nearly frozen in shock* Did I almost kill that guy...?
Some anonymous kid: *Belches* Heart attack
McGonagall: Okay, now let's get this over with. You! Spoiled bratty looking girl!
Garnet: *Bounces up to the hat happily*
Sorting Hat: House Elves!
The Sound of cheering from the basement can be heard
Garnet: That's odd. I've never heard of that happening before.
Draco Malfoy: Yeah, and you've never heard of Hogwarts either
McGonagall: Only people with no potential at all go down to the House Elves.
Garnet: Oh, ok... *Runs downstairs with tears in eyes*
McGonagall: All right, on with the feast!
The Next Day
Zidane blinked as he entered a dark classroom that closely resembled a dungeon.
Feathery Kuja: That's cause it is a dungeon
Narrator who is also same person: Oh, whatever...
Zidane: Hmm. I wonder what this class is...
Suddenly a man in a dark billowing came bursts in
Man in dark billowing cape: There will be no foolish wand waving or sill incantations in this cla- *Trips over Zidane who is standing in the middle of the room*
Zidane: Oh, sorry.
Man in dark billowing cape: SHUT UP! TWENTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!
Zidane: *Grins* You're fat
Class: Oooh!
Man in dark billowing cape: *Snarl* WHAT was that?!
Zidane: You're fat and you know it! *Takes seat*
Man in dark billowing cape: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME FAT! DIE, FREAK!
Man in dark billowing cape begins to beat Zidane with a spongy. What's a spongy?
Man in dark billowing cape: Okay, now let's get on with this
Beaten Zidane: Ugh...
Man in dark billowing cape: *Walks to front of class* Hello, class! *Cheery voice*
Entire class exept Zidane: Hiya, Mr. Snape!
Professor Snape: I can't HEAR you!
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA, MR. SNAPE!
Professor Snape: I STILL can't hear you
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA MR. SNAPE!
Professor Snape: Okay, that's better!
Zidane: Hey, professor, are you okay?
Professor Snape: What? Why do you say that?! *Twitches*
Zidane: Uh... no reason.
Meanwhile, in Vivi's class
Vivi: Um, would you happen to know what class this is?
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah, this is Herbology.
Vivi: Really? Who's the teache-
Sixty-year-old man bursts in wearing a long leopard skin coat
Professor: Um... roight. First question! Where am I?
Class: HERBOLOGY CLASS, PROFESSOR RICHARDS!
Professor Richards: Why are you calling me that? My name is... my name is Keith. I think...
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah it is
Professor Richards: *Laughs drunkenly* I knew that...
Draco Malfoy: Sure ya did
Professor Richards: Roight, now let's get down to business. Herbology-- the study of musical polotics and--
Draco Malfoy: Plants, Professor
Professor Richards:-- and p-p-plants
Harry Potter: Professor, are you drunk?
Professor Richards: Uh, no...no...no...no...
Draco Malfoy: You're repeating yourself again
Professor Richards: no...no...no...what? Oh, yeah. Why don't we just... make a Joshua Tree for today. For that we're gonna call... gonna call the expert!
Suddenly a man clad in black leather bursts in.
Bono: I. Am. The expert.
Professor Richards: Yay...
Meanwhile, in Steiner's Class
Steiner: *Walks up to student* Excuse me, but what class is this?
Neville Longbottom: Ch-chess, sir...
Steiner: There's a chess class now? Fantastic! Finally, someone has found some proper manners! Leave all that football and random nonsense behind!
A skinny man with long black hair walks in.
Class: Check mate, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: Shut...up...
Class: Okay, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: I thought I told you to shut...up...
Class: King me, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: SHUT THE THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL!
One random student: Knight to five, Professor Manson!
A dart is seen flying of nowhere into the kid.
One random student: No! NOT THE TRANUELIZERS AGA- *Falls down*
Professor Manson: Hey... that wasn't supposed to happen.
Steiner: *Gasp* That's totally barbaric!
Professor Manson: SHUT THE HECK UP! I NEVER ASKED YOU, RUST BUCKET!
Steiner: *Draws sword* I'm afraid I have no choice but to--
Professor Manson: *Throws chess piece at Steiner's head*
Steiner: HEY!
Professor Manson: Haha...
Steiner: *Lunges* I'LL KILL YOU!
Professor Manson: Oh no you won't! *Snaps fingers*
Another guy with black hair walks in.
Trent Reznor: Hey, did someone call me--
Steiner: *Throws chess piece back at Reznor*
Trent Reznor: OW! THAT HURT, YOU FILTHY MEDIEVIL SLOB! *Lunges*
Professor Manson: I feel left out... Lunges too*
~Somewhere in the kitchens~
Garnet: I. Hate. House elves.
Dobby: Say you what Miss Garnetta?
Garnet: *Fuming* I said... I HATE....HOUSE ELVES!!
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta
Garnet: AND STOP CALLING ME GARNETTA!!
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta- *A dagger flies at his forehead*
Winky: No! Anything but the Manson treatment for poor Dobby! Third time this week, it is!
Garnet: SHUT THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU TOO!
Winky: All right, Miss Garnetta!
~Somewhere on the Grounds~
Quina: I CHASE YOU I EAT YOU!!
Hagrid: No! Get away from me, you beast from hell! *Runs behind bush*
Quina: No... I hunting you now...
'Hungry Like a Wolf' begins to play.
Hagrid: NO!!!
Eiko: Quina, can you lemme out now...?
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX, or Harry Potter. Um... I also don't own Marylin Manson, Trent Reznor, Keith Richards. Is that it? I think so...
It was a fine day on Gaia when suddenly, the spirit of ugly Queen Brahne appeared to our heroes who were camping out in Kuja's deserted Desert Palace.
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Kuja?
Garnet: Uh *shrugs*
Zidane: Garnet, you should really learn some manners, you're like a cave man for God's sakes.
Garnet: Oo! Oo! *grunts and runs off*
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Ku-
Queen Brahne appeared out of no where.
Zidane: Hey, get the heck out of our palace
Amarant: Yeah, fat lady. You don't deserve the luxury we now have *Chews on old chicken bone*
Brahne: Shut the heck up. I am here to give you a message. A very important message, at that.
Steiner: What is it then?
Brahne: Hoot hoot. *Imitates owl* I am here to tell you all that you have been chosen to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
All: *Silent*
Crickets chirp.
Zidane: Boo! *Throws bag of chips* You SUCK!
Brahne: *Glares* Fine. Then miss your magical educations for all I care! I'm just doing this because I'd be working at Home Depot otherwise!
Garnet: *Crawls out from darkness* I already know magic, fat bag
Brahne: No you don't
Garnet: Yeah I do
Brahne: *Zaps Garnet* Not any more
Garnet: *Crawls back into shadows* You're right...
Vivi: So when do we go?
Brahne: Now
Zidane: Okay...
There is a flash of light and suddenly the Final Fantasy IX crew is standing in the middle of the Great Hall.
All the Hogwarts kids and Staff: *Stare*
All the Final Fantasy IX crew: *Stare back*
Zidane: HELLO, EVERYBODY!!
Harry Potter: Hi, doctor Ni-
Ron Weasley: SHUT UP!!
Dumbledore: Hello! Hello! You must be the, er... new students. *Mumbles* I wish they would tell us next time they're going to send over a bunch of freaks...
McGonagall: Darn those Durmstranges
Zidane: We're not freaks. We're just... skaerf
Garnet: Whats' that?
Zidane: Freaks backward
Garnet: Oh...
Dumbledore: Anyway, you're just in time for the sorting! Why dont' you all come up here!
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Walk up to the front of the Hall where a hat and a stool are placed*
A random student: *Points at Steiner* That man is so old.
Dumbledore: SHUT UP!
McGonagall: Now, when I put this patched shapeless piece of fabric on your head it will tell you what house you are going to be sorted in. Any volunteers?
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Silent*
McGonagall: Okay, then... how about the gay looking cross-dressser?
Final Fantasy IX Crew: KUJA?
Kuja: Not anymore! *Runs up a wall*
McGonagall: Okay, maybe not... Then, you! Blonde kid with the tail!
Zidnae: Uh?
McGonagall: Yeah, you
Zidane: Sweet! Haha, Garnet! I'm first, I'm firs-
Garnet: *Punches nose*
Zidane: Uh... *Walks up to stool*
McGonagall: Okay, now this will only hurt for a minute... *Puts hat on Zidane's head*
Zidane: AHHH! *Begins seizing*
McGonagall: I was only joking...
Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw!
Ravenclaw table: BOO!
Zidane: SHUT UP!
Ravenclaw table: *Shuts up*
Zidane goes and takes place at Ravenclaw table.
McGonagall: Okay, next up. The forty-year-old in the rust infested armor.
Steiner: *Grumbles*
McGonagall: *Puts hat on*
Sorting Hat: Gryffindor!
Gryffindors: What the heck?
Steiner: *Goes and sits at Gryffindor table*
Eiko: *Begins jumping up and down* Me next! Me next!
Quina: No! Me! *Swollows Eiko*
McGonagall: Okay, why don't you both come up then...
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!
Quina: *Drooling* Mmm, creampuff...
Hufflepuff Table: Yeah! We get the Pillsbury doughboy!
Vivi walks up to be sorted.
McGonagall: Hey, how old are you?
Vivi: Uh... twenty-one
McGonagall: Ok *Drops sorting hat over Vivi's hat*
Sorting Hat: Uh... Slytherin!
Vivi: WHAT?
McGonagall: Eh, that's funny kid.
Sound of someone hitting the floor heard behind them.
McGonagall: Albus, maybe you should be putting in an add for a new Potions Master. I don't know how long he's going to last. I mean, this is his third heart- attack today...
Unconscious pile: Uh...
Dumbledore: Eh, I'll get someone on it right away....
Vivi: *Walks off nearly frozen in shock* Did I almost kill that guy...?
Some anonymous kid: *Belches* Heart attack
McGonagall: Okay, now let's get this over with. You! Spoiled bratty looking girl!
Garnet: *Bounces up to the hat happily*
Sorting Hat: House Elves!
The Sound of cheering from the basement can be heard
Garnet: That's odd. I've never heard of that happening before.
Draco Malfoy: Yeah, and you've never heard of Hogwarts either
McGonagall: Only people with no potential at all go down to the House Elves.
Garnet: Oh, ok... *Runs downstairs with tears in eyes*
McGonagall: All right, on with the feast!
The Next Day
Zidane blinked as he entered a dark classroom that closely resembled a dungeon.
Feathery Kuja: That's cause it is a dungeon
Narrator who is also same person: Oh, whatever...
Zidane: Hmm. I wonder what this class is...
Suddenly a man in a dark billowing came bursts in
Man in dark billowing cape: There will be no foolish wand waving or sill incantations in this cla- *Trips over Zidane who is standing in the middle of the room*
Zidane: Oh, sorry.
Man in dark billowing cape: SHUT UP! TWENTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!
Zidane: *Grins* You're fat
Class: Oooh!
Man in dark billowing cape: *Snarl* WHAT was that?!
Zidane: You're fat and you know it! *Takes seat*
Man in dark billowing cape: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME FAT! DIE, FREAK!
Man in dark billowing cape begins to beat Zidane with a spongy. What's a spongy?
Man in dark billowing cape: Okay, now let's get on with this
Beaten Zidane: Ugh...
Man in dark billowing cape: *Walks to front of class* Hello, class! *Cheery voice*
Entire class exept Zidane: Hiya, Mr. Snape!
Professor Snape: I can't HEAR you!
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA, MR. SNAPE!
Professor Snape: I STILL can't hear you
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA MR. SNAPE!
Professor Snape: Okay, that's better!
Zidane: Hey, professor, are you okay?
Professor Snape: What? Why do you say that?! *Twitches*
Zidane: Uh... no reason.
Meanwhile, in Vivi's class
Vivi: Um, would you happen to know what class this is?
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah, this is Herbology.
Vivi: Really? Who's the teache-
Sixty-year-old man bursts in wearing a long leopard skin coat
Professor: Um... roight. First question! Where am I?
Class: HERBOLOGY CLASS, PROFESSOR RICHARDS!
Professor Richards: Why are you calling me that? My name is... my name is Keith. I think...
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah it is
Professor Richards: *Laughs drunkenly* I knew that...
Draco Malfoy: Sure ya did
Professor Richards: Roight, now let's get down to business. Herbology-- the study of musical polotics and--
Draco Malfoy: Plants, Professor
Professor Richards:-- and p-p-plants
Harry Potter: Professor, are you drunk?
Professor Richards: Uh, no...no...no...no...
Draco Malfoy: You're repeating yourself again
Professor Richards: no...no...no...what? Oh, yeah. Why don't we just... make a Joshua Tree for today. For that we're gonna call... gonna call the expert!
Suddenly a man clad in black leather bursts in.
Bono: I. Am. The expert.
Professor Richards: Yay...
Meanwhile, in Steiner's Class
Steiner: *Walks up to student* Excuse me, but what class is this?
Neville Longbottom: Ch-chess, sir...
Steiner: There's a chess class now? Fantastic! Finally, someone has found some proper manners! Leave all that football and random nonsense behind!
A skinny man with long black hair walks in.
Class: Check mate, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: Shut...up...
Class: Okay, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: I thought I told you to shut...up...
Class: King me, Professor Manson!
Professor Manson: SHUT THE THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL!
One random student: Knight to five, Professor Manson!
A dart is seen flying of nowhere into the kid.
One random student: No! NOT THE TRANUELIZERS AGA- *Falls down*
Professor Manson: Hey... that wasn't supposed to happen.
Steiner: *Gasp* That's totally barbaric!
Professor Manson: SHUT THE HECK UP! I NEVER ASKED YOU, RUST BUCKET!
Steiner: *Draws sword* I'm afraid I have no choice but to--
Professor Manson: *Throws chess piece at Steiner's head*
Steiner: HEY!
Professor Manson: Haha...
Steiner: *Lunges* I'LL KILL YOU!
Professor Manson: Oh no you won't! *Snaps fingers*
Another guy with black hair walks in.
Trent Reznor: Hey, did someone call me--
Steiner: *Throws chess piece back at Reznor*
Trent Reznor: OW! THAT HURT, YOU FILTHY MEDIEVIL SLOB! *Lunges*
Professor Manson: I feel left out... Lunges too*
~Somewhere in the kitchens~
Garnet: I. Hate. House elves.
Dobby: Say you what Miss Garnetta?
Garnet: *Fuming* I said... I HATE....HOUSE ELVES!!
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta
Garnet: AND STOP CALLING ME GARNETTA!!
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta- *A dagger flies at his forehead*
Winky: No! Anything but the Manson treatment for poor Dobby! Third time this week, it is!
Garnet: SHUT THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU TOO!
Winky: All right, Miss Garnetta!
~Somewhere on the Grounds~
Quina: I CHASE YOU I EAT YOU!!
Hagrid: No! Get away from me, you beast from hell! *Runs behind bush*
Quina: No... I hunting you now...
'Hungry Like a Wolf' begins to play.
Hagrid: NO!!!
Eiko: Quina, can you lemme out now...?
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX, or Harry Potter. Um... I also don't own Marylin Manson, Trent Reznor, Keith Richards. Is that it? I think so...