::sings:: I love you, you love me, won't you please give me newsies?

Disney People: NO!!!

…and that, folks, is what I call a disclaimer.

…

This is meant to be dumb. kthanksbye.

…

Dutchy, Jack, and Mush were all sitting at a table in the cleanest part of Tibby's. They were all wearing party hats and expressions of unabashed delight (in Dutchy's case) intense embarrassment (Jack's) and extreme fear (Mush's).

"Happy Birthday, Mush!" Dutchy beamed. He was the one holding the "get together", treating all of the newsies to lunch and a party afterwards. Only Jack and Mush had come, however. Most kids weren't willing to go to a party with Dutchy, even when there was free food involved. "And a very many more to you!"

"Um," said Mush. "Thanks…?"

Dutchy beamed wider. He took out a party kazoo and blew on it, unintentionally getting spit all over Jack's face.

"Yay!" he exclaimed around the kazoo.

Mush looked at the clock. "Well, Dutch, it's been great, but I really, gotta, y'know, sell…"

"No, Mushy, you can't!" Dutchy whined. He stomped his feet in protest. "We have to open presents!"

"Presents?" Mush perked up. He loved presents. "What kind!?"

"It's a surprise, Mushy," Dutchy said mysteriously. "Right, Jack?"

"Uh," said Jack. "Yeah."

The Cowboy hadn't gotten Mush a present at all.

In fact, the birthday boy in question was beginning to feel afraid again, noticing how Dutchy had no wrapped packages or gift bags covered in sparkly glitter. He had nothing with him.

"What is it?" Mush asked, fearing the answer. "Actually, where is it?"

Dutchy's eyes twinkled merrily behind his glasses.

"Why, it's in my pants."

"!!!!!!!" said Mush and Jack, choosing to use punctuation instead of words to express their enthusia—I mean, fear. "!!!!!!!??????"

"No, sillys," Dutchy replied. "I won't show you it alone, at the Lodging House. Mush, you get to see this junk right now! Here! In a restaurant full of people!"

Mush was looking even more scared. Jack looked kind of confused, but he looked like that all the time, so this wasn't saying much.

"You wanna know what it is?" Dutchy leaned forward to whisper into their ears. "I'll give you a clue."

His breath tickled Mush's ear and made his nose shrivel up. Dutchy always smelled like onions.

"It's about eleven inches long," said the other boy. "And it's very…furry…at the tail."

At this point, one of the men in Tibby's fell to the floor in a dead faint. All of the other people in the restaurant had been listening to their conversation from the very beginning, as most people are wont to do when there are cute boys around wearing sparkly party hats.

Mush swallowed nervously.

"You wanna see it now?" Dutchy asked.

Before Mush could answer, Dutchy stuck a hand down his pants and DREW OUT HIS—

::Intermission::

So lke omg I was like watchin dis one ting and den I realized it was a floating porcupine!! LOLOLOLLOL!!!!evlvensixone!! I eat yr face!

::Intermission ends::

…. Stuffed Squirrel.

"Dutchy, why do you have a stuffed squirrel?" Mush asked, visibly disappoin—I mean, relived.

"It's not my stuffed squirrel anymore," Dutchy exclaimed. He thumped the marvelous piece of taxidermy on the table. "It's your birthday present!"

Mush looked closer. The squirrel was indeed a fine work, looking hardly dead at all. Eleven inches long, with a fine furry tail, it looked like it was about to get up and walk away. No wonder Dutchy had stuffed it down his pants-- people were likely to steal such a good piece of stuffed roadkill!

Jack picked it up, handling it very carefully. He was just as fascinated about it as Mush was, running his hands all over the thick fur.

And then, he blinked.

"Hey, Dutchy?" The cowboy asked curiously. "Why does the squirrel have three eyes?"

"What?" Dutchy perked up, feigning surprise. Inside, he was giggling maniacally. "The squirrel has three eyes?"

"Yeah, right here!"

Dutchy and Mush looked. The squirrel did indeed have three eyes.

"Well, that's not right," Dutchy said. "Squirrels are supposed to have two eyes!"

He really was quite a smart guy.

Mush grabbed the squirrel out of Jack's hands, looking closer at the eye. It was a lot bigger than the other two. It was also a different color. In fact, it didn't look like an eye at all.

It looked like a button.

"It looks like a button!" Mush said, reading the text above him. "Not an eye!"

"Really?" Dutchy pretended confusion. In his heart, he was skipping about merrily and singing songs about rainbows. "A button?"

"Yeah!" said Mush. "I wonder what it's for?"

"Maybe it's a singing squirrel," suggested Dutchy. "You should press it and see!"

"I love singing squirrels!" Jack nodded vigorously. "You should press it, Mush!"

"Yeah, good idea," said Mush.

Then he pressed the button.

…

KABOOM!

…

The squirrel exploded, spraying hair and white foam everywhere.

"ARGH!" yelled Mush and Jack together.

(Although they didn't look like Mush and Jack anymore. They looked like some sort of weird specimen of Chewbacca covered in squirrel hair.)

Coincidently, the squirrel bomb—for that was what it was—had completely missed Dutchy.

"Tee-hee!" giggled Dutchy.

"My bandana!" moaned Jack. "I'll never get the squirrel off it!"

"Heh, heh, heh," laughed Dutchy

"Ew, it smells!" complained Mush. "I smell gross!"

"Lol!" chat-spoke Dutchy.

"This is a disaster!" They both screamed.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Dutchy.

He then ran out of the restaurant, never to be seen again.

His mission was complete.

A/N: Clearly, I need to be locked up somewhere nice and safe with rubber walls. That would be for the best.

However, if you want some more—humor? Insanity? Stupidity?—tell me, and I'll do sequels. I'm considering doing a whole series of exploding roadkill.

…Yes. I'm that bored.

Review, and you get a three-eyed chimpanzee!