AN: Hi again, it's Pine here. So this is a really sad and triggering fic (self-harm and suicidal thoughts). I just thought that after 900 years, all of the Doctor's mistakes would take a toll on him. If you don't like sad and depressing stories turn away now and don't read this. well, I hope you enjoy! ~ Pine
The Doctor and Donna ran towards the TARDIS as fast as they could since there were angry villagers chasing them with sharp objects. The Doctor called after Donna
"Donna! Come on, we need to get to the TARDIS!" The Doctor didn't know that on this planet, shaking people's hands was like punching them in the face and, that doing that would anger everyone around them. The Doctor slowed down a bit, trying to let Donna catch up when he saw a villager heading straight towards her with a very sharp-looking knife.
"DONNA! BEHIND YOU!" Screamed the Doctor. Donna whipped her head around just in time to see the villager cut into her arm with the knife. She let out a cry of pain but kept running towards the magical blue box sitting by the big tree. The Doctor slammed the TARDIS doors open so that Donna could run right on in. Donna came running in, clutching at the cut on her arm that was radiating pain. She slammed the doors behind her and the Doctor sent the TARDIS zooming into the time vortex.
"Let's get you down to the med bay Donna," the Doctor said with an urgent look on his face. The Doctor led Donna down to the med bay and got her up on an examination table.
"My god, this bloody hurts," said Donna, moaning in pain.
"I know, I know and I am really sorry about this, if I had known that shaking the villager's hand was offensive I would have never done it and I am so sorry that my stupidity ended up harming you." The Doctor took out a roll of bandages and started to wrap up Donna's arm.
"You are lucky that it wasn't deep enough for stitches." The Doctor finished off wrapping up Donna's arm and help her off the table.
"Thank you Doctor, but if you don't mind me asking, do you have any pain medicine?" Donna didn't really want to bother him to much since he just took the past few minutes to wrap up her arm but the pain was killing her.
"Yeah I have some pain killers they are right here," he said while pointing to one of the cupboards. "It's the tall, white bottle with a blue label." He left with a sad sort of look on his face but Donna mistook it for exhaustion and headed towards the cupboard he pointed to while he left the room.
The Doctor went down the hallway and found the door to his bedroom not far away from the med bay. As he walked down the hallway, he thought of every time he failed a companion just like he did with Donna today and his demons were starting to overwhelm him. He opened up the door and look at his bedroom. It had a four-poster bed in the middle, a cluttered desk full of gizmos and notes all written in circular gallifreyan, a small dresser lined one wall and it had a mirror above it, and a door leading off to an on-suite bathroom. He walked into the room and headed towards the bathroom. He opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out a blade that had a bit of blood on the edge. He rolled up his jacket sleeves and looked at all of his scars. Most were white lines, crossing each other, some were a little pinker than others, and some were still scabbed over. The thing about his scars is no matter what they always stuck with him through each regeneration. He put the blade against his wrist and started to press down. Blood started to pour out of the deep cut that he had made, and the scary thing was, he didn't care. He thought that he deserved every last inch of pain. He thought of very time he let companions get hurt or when they were left behind. He thought of Rose, and how much he loved her but didn't deserve her love for he had pretty much destroyed her life. He thought of Martha, and how he hated himself for not seeing her for what she was when his mind was stuck on Rose. He thought of Donna, and all the times he almost lost her or hurt her and how he ripped her away from her family because he needed a friend. He cut his wrists over and over, until it looked like a cheese grater had gone over his wrist. He washed up all the blood from his wrists and cleaned them up to the best of his ability. He stepped out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen to fix himself a cup of tea. He walked to the kitchen and found that Donna was already sitting there with a cup of tea in hand.
"Oh, hello Doctor. Thanks for fixing me up earlier, I'm feeling better now," Donna said. She noticed the Doctor kept tugging on his sleeves but just wrote it off as a habit.
"Is the kettle still on?" The Doctor walked towards the kettle.
"Yea, it's still on. Help yourself," Donna said watching him pick up the kettle
His hand slipped when picking up the kettle causing the scolding hot water to tip over onto his other hand.
He let out a string of alien curses and dropped the kettle on the floor.
"Are you ok?" Asked Donna. She was frightened that he might have burned his hands very badly.
"I'm fine," he hissed, voice full of pain. He ran over to the sink and tried to turn the cold water tap on but couldn't. Donna, seeing this, rushed over and turned the tap on and stuck his hands under the water. He hissed in pain as the cold water rushed over his burning hands.
"It doesn't sound like you are ok to me, Spaceman," Donna said with concern. "Let's get you down to the med bay."
The Doctor ripped his hands away with a hiss. "I'm fine"
"No you are not. Now you are coming with me to the med bay or so help me I will drag you there," threatened Donna. The Doctor, reluctantly, started walking to the med bay with Donna in the lead. They walked into the med bay and Donna forced the Doctor up on the examination table.
"Now let me look at your hands," Donna gently said, but it was also a bit demanding. The Doctor slowly lifted up his hands to her. They were very red and it looked like it was starting to blister. "Ouch. That looks like it hurts a lot," murmured Donna.
"I'm fine, just let me take care of this," the Doctor
"Doctor its ok, let me take care of this." Donna went to the cabinet to grab a roll of bandages. "Ok. Now I'm going to roll up your sleeves to get the bandages on ok?"
"No!" Yelled the Doctor as he yanked his hands away, wincing in pain.
"Oi! Doctor, it's ok, I'll be gentle." Donna said, mistaking his panic for him being worried she would hurt his hands even more. She slowly rolled up his sleeves and gasped at the sight of his wrist. There were scars all over his wrist. Some were old and faded, others were still pink, and there were some fresh ones that were red and scabbed over. The Doctor hid his face in shame, as tears were streaming down his face. Donna lifted his chin, looked into his sad eyes and uttered one word.
"Why?"
"Because I deserve it. I'm the worst possible person you could ever meet. I've killed thousands of people and ruined multiple other lives. I'm so mean and annoying to other people and I don't deserve to be here." The Doctor's voice got caught in his throat as he let out a sob and turned away from Donna. "I understand if you want to call pathetic or a freak or attention seeking, because I am. If want to go home, its ok."
Donna gently turned the Doctor's face towards her. "Oh Spaceman, you got it all wrong. You are the most brilliant and fantastic person I have ever met. You save millions of people and have saved thousands of planets. You haven't ruined people's lives, you've made them better. You worthy of everything you have and more. You. Are. Amazing"
The Doctor had tears streaming down his face as he was sobbing now. Mindful of his hands, Donna wrapped the Doctor up in a huge hug. The Doctor clutched her with his arms and sobbed into her shoulder all while Donna just stroked his hair whispering comforting words in his ears.
When the Doctor had calmed down a bit, Donna picked up the roll of bandages and began to bandage his hands. "Just know Doctor that I will always be there for you." She finished wrapping his hands and gave him another hug.
"Thank you," the Doctor whispered into her shoulder.
The time traveling friends resumed their adventures, now being closer than ever. The Doctor was finally happy again.
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