HEllO!
That was abit over enthusiastic , so umm yeah , hi. This is my first TFIOS fanfic and im actually really nervous about everyones reactions. I worked on this at school as part of descriptive writing which is the letter , then added the other bits. please review and let me know if you got emotional or whatever. you'know. all that jazz. I love getting feedback from other writers and readers. anyways thank you all so much , enjoy xx
DISCLAIMER
Would I have killed Gus? No... if I had it my way hazel and Gus would live happily ever after and have little babies.
It's not that I wasn't expecting it; I have been excepting this moment for years. Every night before I fall asleep I wonder, I wonder if tonight will be the night. Where the news of my death will break my parents, rip their hearts; leave a void in their hearts that can never be filled. I saw this with my eyes; I saw this with Gus's parents. I saw them sob in agony; each cry etched into my mind, laced with such pain I never knew existed. I wonder every night why that's the fate given to my parents. They deserved so much more. I don't want my parents to go through this; I don't want them to be ripped to shreds because of me. I don't want Isaac to get a similar phone call as he did on that horrible night 7 months ago. I don't want to break any more people; I don't think I can live with that.
But then again, if I die, I get to join Gus.
And tonight I won't fall asleep wondering, I'll fall asleep knowing. Knowing that I won't see my parents for a long time, Kaitlyn, Isaac. None of them. I'll be a floater, a single shining star in the sky.
An unknown, another forgotten soul.
I traced the writing on the envelope resting in my hands. A little messy but, without a doubt Gus's. I wanted to know what was in it, I wanted to read it, I wanted to let the feelings crash over me for a while, engulfing me in another world. I absorbed every curve in his writing, every bump. Shakily but carefully opening the envelope. I scanned the rough paper, tears springing to my eyes. The paper smelt like him, it still held his scent, as if he'd hugged the paper for hours. Ink had smudged with tears. I could hear his voice reading me the letter. Engraving the words in my mind, making sure they stay forever.
Hazel Grace,
I can't wait to see you again, it's wonderful up here, wherever I am, its calm, peaceful, just like you, and you'd love it.
I don't want you to be afraid, it hurts, a lot. However when the time comes it's quicker than falling asleep. Like going into a deep sleep that you'll never wake from, only you do, into a calm, serene place. You become a floater, you feel, but you feel light, weightless. The moments that took my breath away, flashed before my eyes and they literally took my breath away.
You were my last thought Hazel Grace, my last thought was of you, the way your eyes sparkle or the way your smile lights up the room.
I miss you Hazel Grace, I miss you so much. You were my reason to live.
My saving grace…
I cannot tell you how sorry I am, hazel grace, I was the grenade, not you. I should've told you sooner, I'm sorry.
I miss holding you; I miss you burying yourself in my chest. I miss how you spoke medically to me. I miss your oh so blunt sense of humor. God hazel Grace, I miss you, I miss you more than a bottle of win that's missing it grapes, more than the sand would miss the ocean, and more than the sky would miss the sun.
It does not do to dwell on the past, stay strong Hazel Grace, for soon we shall be reunited
Okay?
The star-crossed love of your life
Augustus Waters
A sob escaped my throat, cracked and shaky. It was unlike any. I missed him, I needed him. My heart felt like exploding, I felt that all the tension that was building was about to snap. Inside I just knew , I knew that this had been written on deathbed , a few moments before he shut his eyes as I would. I felt like I could let go, like he was here with me. I felt wind blow against me, I felt a familiar presence near me and smiled. The time had come and I felt like I had the permission to let go, to die. A question that I had read a long while ago that meant nothing to me a while ago hit me once again, as it did before Gus's funeral hit me,
"If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?"
And I could truly let go, and with that I shut my eyes.
Ready for a whole new adventure.
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Ciao!
thechosenbibliophile