the end…
I knew what was coming. I had seen it in her eyes. My once beautiful cousin grown ugly from the dark lord's evil touch. Actually she was never really that beautiful. Lets think Pug here for a second. She was blind to family now- not that she ever considered the likes of me as family, but it was blood just the same. Now her only family was Lord Voldemort.
Her father,
leader,
master.
But I knew that she was evil and I knew that look that she was giving to me. A glare that said quiet plainly, "only one of us is getting out of this alive." and you know what? I was scared.
Truthfully I never thought I would be.
I always assumed that I would have my friends by my side and we could do anything. Us four, the Marauders. As long as James was there nothing could hold us down. But I will remember the good times. Soaring through the air with James behind me and Remus on a side car (Peter was always a little chicken-shit). Oh man, was that fun! That rush when you've just left the grassy lawn of Hogworts and the summer lies before you and you're soaring up high into the air with your best mates and you pass a cloud! A cute, fluffy little thing, and then hang a right and fly right over Hogworts' highest tower… yea, good times with those guys.
Well, James wasn't here with me when I faced off against my Bella. I was alone. Remus was across the room, fighting his own battle. Harry was- god, I don't even know where Harry was. Isn't that terrible?
I guess I've been a horrible godfather for Harry. But I loved him. Still do, really. Not like how I loved James like a brother, but I loved Harry like a son. That's it, I thought Harry was my son. If I would have ever had a son I hope he would've turned out like Harry. The boy is loyal, courageous, and more his mother than he is James.
And that's probably a good thing, too.
James wasn't a very good kid in his day, but, man, could Lily and he make 'em! If I could have had a son I would want him to be Harry. And James as his godfather. And Lily as his godmother. And Remus, well, Remus could just hang around us like he always would. And Peter? Well, that little rat's head would've been bashed in long ago…
but that's all "what-ifs" and "could-haves" now. Now look at me. Oh well, it "could-have" been a great life. I "could-have" made it great. But it's over now. Sure, I guess I've had a good run, but the race is over now, I'm finished. These are my last fleeting thoughts as time slows down and I vanish inside this arch way. Damn, I don't even know what this thing is! But I'm dying. Well, dead now. I am dead. I, Sirius Black, am dead. Doesn't have that great of a ring to it, huh? I never thought it would end like this. My feet tripping over themselves, falling backwards, arms flailing. but who really dies how they think they will?
I miss them all already. The Order, Moony, Dumbledore, Harry. Man, even Snape is there too. Oh well. The kids think I'm fearless, Molly thinks I'm reckless, Harry… well, Harry loves me. I guess they all do, in different ways of course. Over this past year we've all grown so close. I know Molly loves me. She's a sweet bird, that woman. Hard on the outside but a real sweat heart at times. I'm sure Dumbledore too, but he knew what had to be done. He had to do the right thing. I had to keep the Death Eaters away from Harry. I had to protect Harry- not that I wouldn't have to begin with.
I felt sorry for him, you know? Dumbledore I mean. he's carried the weight for so long. He's made hard decisions. None as hard at this. Well, maybe he has. I don't blame him, not for a minute. But I was scared. I guess no one wants to die and everyone is scared when their time comes. We were so close. We were right there, right at the finish line. I had already survived so many times when I shouldn't have and it just seems so unfair. I'm not a religious man, but maybe there is a plan?
I dunno…
but wasn't my plan good enough? Why is that big one so great and my small hope of some day becoming a father so easy to look over? It's just… to come this close… to get so far…
Dumbledore sent me out there first because he knew that only I could do it. Would do it. Remus would have given his life for Harry's just as willingly as me, but he's needed. He's the planner, always has been. Me, I'm not the wiz kid. I'm not the genius, never have been and never wanted to be. I'm the one you send out there when you need something crazy to be done.
To do the hard thing.
Crazy, but brave.
I don't know whether I'm proud of that or not. But Dumbledore was hesitant to send me out there, I was the one who had to push. He thought that maybe he wouldn't have to use me. Well, he hoped, really. But deep down he knew what would happen, and I knew too, sort of. This is war. And in war the people you love become expendable. That's just how it is. Besides, Lily and James gave up their lives for Harry's, it's time I did the same. I know Harry would do it for me any day, without hesitation.
So you know how much I love that kid, I didn't hesitate. I went after those bastards like a fat kid with cake! That always used to crack Peter up. Don't know why, he was always pretty fat himself. I guess it's the whole "making fun of others so that we can't see how truly pathetic and ignorant we are"… maybe.
Anyways, those last few minutes of life I spent how I wanted.
Fighting.
Doesn't matter who, doesn't matter where, and doesn't matter how. Just the adrenalin rush of it all! Maybe it's a man thing… the testosterone floods up our egos when we feel challenged and then we just have at the challenger. With me I've always won the fights. Well, not this one…
I looked over to where Harry was, fighting. Damn, the boy could fend for himself. I smiled at him, sparing a moment from mine and Bella's row just to admire my godson. How he would do anything to save his friends and how he always came out on top.
Just like I used to.
And then he looked over at me. Like he knew that I was watching him.
But the warning came too late. The bitch had gotten me off guard, my own fault. And as I stumbled slightly I caught Dumbledore's eye.
"fight."
I saw him mouth the word from all the way across the room and my fear vanished. I did what I do better than anyone. What he counted on me to do.
I attacked.
… end of part one
Word count: 1242
Date: 11/04/03