Title: Midnight Musings

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warnings: slight depression and minor self-hate

Slightly OOC Alec.

Summary: Alec has always been uncomfortable when it came to romance. His problems with being public with their relationship has crated a bit of a rift between him and his boyfriend. These are Alec's late-night thoughts after a fight with Magnus.

The normally rainbow room was dark, it's brilliance muted by the shades of night. The only colour to be seen was the slight blue glow emanating from the wall clock, its neon numbers proclaiming the early beginning of yet another day. The midnight silence was only broken by the soft, muted breathing of a man lying stiffly on his back, his azure eyes boring holes into the ceiling. He was curled up uncomfortably on the living room couch; his body more used to the plush king bed in the next room.

It wasn't like Alec was not tired; on the contrary, he, Jace, and Isabelle had run into a nest of Kuri demons on their way to dinner, which had kept them busy for several hours. That alone should have been enough to make him fall asleep. Normally it was, but tonight, no matter what he did, the thoughts running through his mind refused to let him rest.

All of those thoughts centred on one person: the man sleeping just down the hall. To say that they had fought today would be an understatement. Alec would be the first person to admit that he may not be the most affectionate boyfriend. He blamed it on being in the closet for the majority of his life. Having to repress every love, emotion, and want for over seventeen years didn't exactly make you into a casanova. Add that to his general aversion to being touched, and he knew that he must be a terrible person to be with that way.

So still, when Magnus showed affection in public it was ridiculously difficult for Alec to do anything but pull away. He tried, he really did, and when he was alone with Magnus, he felt almost okay. But as soon as they were out in public, Alec's insecurities came rushing back, and he could barely look at Magnus without blushing.

And usually, Magnus would understand. His emerald eyes would narrow briefly and his jaw would set in a hard line, but never for long. It would be only seconds before Alec seemed to be forgiven. He could see what he was doing to his boyfriend, how much it was hurting him to be downplayed. In those moments, where Magnus for once looked fragile, Alec hated himself. He hated himself for not being able to be comfortable with whom he loved. He hated himself for not being brave. But most of all, he hated himself for not being good enough for Magnus.

Not that Magnus would ever say so. Sweet, protective, incredible Magnus had told him time and time again how lucky he was to be with Alec. How much he loved him. Yet Alec could never shake the feelings of self-hate that lingered from his teenage years. He couldn't help but know, somehow, that one day, Magnus would realize how insignificant Alec really was.

And today, finally, something had snapped in Magnus. That something was the reason Alec was shivering alone on the couch, instead of curling up with his warm boyfriend.

To think, the day had begun so nicely.

(Flashback)

"So, what do you think angel face?"

"About what?" Alec mused quietly. His nose was so buried in the thick book in front of him that he hadn't noticed the endearment. He had hardly heard any- "Hey!"

"That's enough of that."

The book was gone. Alec's hands, which only moments ago had held a thick, green-covered novel, now fell empty to the table. He glared at Magnus, who, blue sparks jumping on his fingers, was looked very pleased with himself.

"The hobbits were about to take Isengard!"

Magnus chuckled. "Now the daylighter is lending you books? Really Alec, I'm sure we can come up with better ways to spend your time."

Alec huffed exaggeratedly, but finally catching the latter part of Magnus' sentence, he smiled. "Oh really? What exactly did you have in mind?"

Two hours later, once Magnus had finished his extensive morning routine, the two had set off in search of, well, Magnus hadn't exactly told him. Actually, Alec doubted that Magnus even knew where they were going, not that he minded. Any time that he could steal with his boyfriend he was more than willing to take; Even if it was merely wandering around in Brooklyn.

They had, through luck or Magnus' 'planning', eventually found a small ice cream bar a few streets down. After being not-so-subtly nudged inside, Alec told Magnus his order and sat patiently at a sticky pink table. Magnus was running back and forth like a small child in front of the ice cream, apparently attempting to pick the most "fantastic" flavour, and Alec was having a hard time keeping his smile back.

That part of the day had been fantastic, all smiles and jokes. Unfortunately, times like that rarely last, and this was no exception.

On their way out, Magnus had grabbed Alec's hand, and although every inch of him warned him against it, Alec didn't let go. He could almost see the split-second of surprise in Magnus' eyes when he squeezed back. Magnus' face broke into a massive smile, and Alec internally kicked himself. If it was such a surprise for him to want to hold his boyfriend's hand, than he was doing something seriously wrong.

The walk now was slightly awkward. Every glance from a passerby making Alec feel as though he were burning.

When an older woman stared for a bit too long to be friendly, he quickly pulled his hand away, his face burning red.

Magnus' eyes blazed momentarily. "Baby,"

Unintentionally, Alec flinched at the endearment. In hindsight, it was probably one of the worst things he could have done. He trained his eyes on the pavement, refusing to meet Magnus'. It was the fourth time in a week that Alec had done something like that; downplayed his relationship because he felt uncomfortable. Magnus hadn't mentioned it, in fact as far as Alec could remember, he had never mentioned it.

Magnus' entire body stiffened, his emerald eyes growing cold. "Alexander. Look. At. Me."

Alec refused to move his eyes, keeping them trained on the pavement.

"I know that it's hard for you Alec, but-"

At this Alec's eyes blazed and he glared at Magnus. "No! No, Magnus you don't. You couldn't possibly know how hard this is for me! Every time anyone touches me, I freeze." he screamed, his pent up anger finally bubbling out. "It's so hard for me to be with you when I have to spend every day wondering whe-" his voice hitched. "When you're going to realize that this isn't worth it! When you're going to figure out that you can do better than a stupid, broken teenager!"

Magnus' voice cut through the air like a blade, its harshness almost palpable. "Fine, Alec. You want to play that game, hmm? How would you like to be made to feel insignificant whenever you leave the safety of your home? Every time I try to get closer to you, you push me away! If it were anyone else, we would've been over years ago, but do you know why I'm still here? Because I love you, you stupid nephilim. And if you can't see that by now, then I don't know what you're still doing here."

With that said, Magnus stormed off, disappearing around a corner before Alec could blink.

When Alec had returned to the apartment after several hours of sulking with Isabelle, the flat had been silent, the door to their shared bedroom locked tight.

(Flashback over)

Alec shot up with a start. A creak from down the hall set his bones on edge, and he slowly reached for his stele. He stood up quietly, and rounded the corner.

"Oh." An exhausted, bleary-eyed Magnus stood in the hall, caught in mid-step. Recovering from his surprise, he motioned to Alec.

"Come to bed." He said quietly.

Alec nodded tightly and followed the warlock. They both curled up on their sides of the bed, not touching. From Alec's side, a small sound escaped, followed by a soft, "I'm sorry."

In a second, Magnus was beside him, gently wiping the tear that glistened on Alec's cheek.

"So am I." he whispered. He pulled Alec against him, allowing Alec to cuddle his face into Magnus' chest.

And although their troubles were far from fixed, both of them knew that they would give all the time in the world to try.

Together.

Ugh, terrible ending.

But, that was my first one-shot! Reviews with constructive criticism are welcome!