Hi, this is Neogami! Um...about this...I'd had a really long day and I just needed to take out my silliness somewhere so I thought, 'Hey? Why not write a completely outrageous fanfiction where all the characters are completely out of character? Yay!' Well...maybe not exactly that thought, but pretty much the same. So, enjoy, errr...that is, if you like complete randomness and out of characterness... -smile-

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or anything else in this Fanfiction. Except maybe the turtle... -devious smile-

Seras was walking through the Hellsing mansion after target practice when she suddenly tripped over something.

"Gah! What the..?" she said as she looked around to see a small, purple turtle. She smiled and it opened it's mouth to say,

"Sqwak!" Seras gave it a funny look and sat up.

"Hmmm...I can't just leave a purple turtle out here...I'll take you to my room! Where I'll feed you and pet you and love you!" she said, beaming with joy. So she took the turtle and hid it in her shirt as she sneakily snuck into her room. She laid the little turtle on her coffin and said,

"What, in the world, will I name you?" at this, the turtle gave another 'sqwak' and she smiled, yet again.

"I got it! I'll name you--" she was cut off by a gurgling sound and a blue muffin fell from the turtle's...urr...butt onto the floor. "Uhhh...well, I was going to name you 'Polly' but I guess muffin will work, too..." Then, there was another gurgling sound and three more muffins fell to the floor, green, pink, and chocolate chip. There was a knock at the door and Seras quickly threw the turtle into her coffin, ran up to the door, and opened it to see Captain Bernedette.

"Hey, Seras what's--" There was a gurgling sound coming from her coffin. Seras turned a bright red when Pip gave her a wierd look and strolled right into her room. He stepped on a muffin and looked at Seras oddly.

"You been making muffins in here?" he said. Seras looked at her coffin, then back to Pip.

"Y-Yes. Yes, I have. That noise you heard was a...an Easy-bake oven...um...in my...coffin." She said, trying to get a smile on her face.

"You're joking. Those things need electricity to work!" he exclaimed. She shifted her feet and looked at the ground, and in doing so, realized when Pip was lifting up her coffin door that it was a bad move. So she went to 'Plan B'.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY COFFIN OR I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE!" she screamed, bolting over to him and slamming the door down, causing Muffin to let out a loud 'sqwak' and, yet, another gurgling sound was heard. Pip gave Seras a devious look and picked up the green muffin from off the floor.

"Well, if this is from an Easy-bake oven, I should be fine when I eat it, no?" he said, smirking evilly. Seras opened her mouth to yell at him again but was too late. He had taken a massive bite out of the muffin. He immidiately fell on the floor and wriggled around as if he was having a siezure. Then, he stopped and looked up at Seras with a purple eye, which was once green. He smiled and said,

"Hallelujah to the Easter Bunny! Exscuse me while I get the video tapes out of the oven, they're getting quite cold!" Then he ripped off all his clothes and ran out of Seras's room with only a pair of palm-tree boxers to cover himself.

"Ohhhhh, no..." She said, bolting after him.

Pip was running past maids yelling things like, "IS THAT A BROOM OR IS THAT JUST ME?" or, "Nice dress, I believe I saw one just like it over at the STUPID-LOOKING-DRESS STORE!" He was bolting down the corridors, knocking valuable things over and occasionally humping a doorknob or two.

"Mr. Bernedette! What, in heaven's name, are you doing?" exclaimed Walter, as Pip was in the middle of rubbing his butt on a vase, "I just cleaned that, you twit! And, get some clothes on!" Pip ran over to Walter with a devious smile on his face and said,

"You need to get that large tumor, that's shaped like a nose in the middle of your head looked at, GEEZER-MAN!" At this he slapped Walter on the behind and raced off. Now, both Walter and Seras were hunting after Pip, one angry, one worried. After he had thought he lost Seras and Walter, Pip strolled right into Sir Hellsing's office. Integra looked up for a second, then, looked back in surprise at Pip in his boxers.

"Captain Bernedette, why, the hell are you walking into my office without your clothes on?" She exclaimed, giving Pip a 'WTF' look.

"Boss, I just wanted to say...even if you look like a man, I still LOVE YOUUU!" Pip said, glomping Integra and starting to hump her leg.

"Oh my GOD! BERNEDETTE, GET THE HELL OFFA ME!" Integra screeched floundering about wildly. Pip just kept on humping her leg, like nothing was wrong with it. Integra finally stood up and said,

"That's it. I've had about enough!" she took a deep breath, "AAAAAAALUUUUUUUCAAAAAAARRRRRRRD!"

Alucard was strolling about the corridors when he heard his name being screeched.

"Uh-oh..." he said as he quickly melted through the walls. He had finally reached Integra's office when he walked right into it, Jackall raised. He lowered his gun as he caught sight of Integra at her desk, calmly filing papers and signing this and that.

"Uhmmm...did you call me, Master..?" He said with a slightly confused look on his face. Integra looked up, motioned for him to come over, and he obeyed. When he got to her desk he said,

"What did you want?" Integra rolled her eyes and walked to the outside of her desk, Pip still goin' to town with her leg.

"...The HELL?" was all Alucard said as he pulled out his gigantic pistol a second time. Pip looked at the gun in his face and smiled. He got off of Integra's now wet leg, which she and Alucard made a disgusted face at, and started making vulgar pelvic thrusts at Alucard.

"C'mere, sexy man!" Pip kept repeating as he thrusted his crotchal region at Alucard, while Integra was making gagging noises.

"I think I'll pass on that, now put on some clothes and get out." Alucard said coolly. Pip smirked at him.

"Rejecting the hot stuff before you even see it? M-mm, can't let you do that, Big Red." Pip said. Then he dropped the remaining clothing he had on and threw it onto Sir Hellsing's desk. Yes, you read me correctly. Pip took off his palm-tree boxers and threw them onto Integra's desk. He was butt-naked. Alucard's gun dropped to the floor, along with Integra's mouth. Pip continued the pelvic thrusts at Alucard, whilst Alucard, picked up his gun and RAN LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL. Pip chased him around the office a few times before Alucard, coming to his senses, started shooting at him. Pip just kept on frolicing after him like nothing was going on yelling things at Alucard like, "Come here, baby!" and, "You know you wanna ride my pony!" Alucard was just about to turn around and attempt to rip it off(A/N: Yeah, you know what it is. :D) when Seras and Walter came bursting in.

"Ah! Tumor man and Little Miss Tits! Big Red and I are in the middle of something, so could you come back later?" Pip said, still running after Alucard, all bare. Walter had in his hand a sheet of paper and Seras had in her's...a green muffin, with a bite out of it.

Walter walked over to Integra's desk and placed the sheet of paper on top of the palm-tree boxers.

"Sir Integra, I have in my hand the results of a lab test on a green muffin. It seemed to have some sort of chemical in it that makes anyone who ingests it go insane. We haven't an antidote for this strange chemical so the best thing to do is go along with him until the effect wears off." he explained to Integra, "I tried to explain the chemical analysis to Miss Victoria, but she was lost at riboflavanoid.." Seras looked at the floor and blushed at this.

"You mean I have to LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME?" Alucard exclaimed, eyes wide as dinner plates, still racing away from Pip.

"You mean I have to let him violate my leg? Walter, that's insanity!" Integra exclaimed, glancing at the shocked Seras, who was staring at the nude Pip frolicing after her Master. Walter sighed and said,

"The effect would probably wear off faster if we did...let's just hope Mr. Bernedette won't do something he'll regret.."

"And where exactly did this muffin come from, Walter?" asked Integra, a confused look on her face. Walter gave the same look to Seras.

"That was my question exactly, Miss Victoria. Where did this mysterious muffin come from?" Walter asked Seras, who's eyes seemed to widen a bit.

"Well..you see...um...we..we were...walking back from..target practice when...um...this...this muffin was on the..um...ground and...and...Pip picked it up and...he...he ate it...I-I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen!" Seras said, eyes darting from Integra's intense stare, to Walter's suspicious look, to the ground. Integra and Walter exchanged looks and Integra said,

"...Alright, Officer Victoria. Thank you for trying to stop him." Walter mouthed to Alucard 'Go along with him.' and Alucard hesitated, but quit running and stood facing Pip with the most loathful look he could muster. Then, he opened his arms and said,

"T-Take me, Pip...I'm..I'm all yours..." Pip danced with glee and took Alucard into his embrace.

"I knew you wanted to go the...'Pip' way!" He said, just before he lifted Alucard from the ground, bridal-style.

"What the--?" Alucard said. Integra's eyes widened and her glare turned from Pip to Walter. Walter sweatdropped and said,

"Umm...did I forget that the chemical allows the...victim...abnormally large amounts strength?" Integra gave him a 'no, duh' look and put her head in her hands.

"Oh, this is going to be a trip..." She said as Pip carried Alucard out of the room, joyfully, to have his way with him (A/N: -snicker-.).

A few hours passed. All was quiet. Seras passed by Pip's room every 15 minutes, to see if they were okay. She'd put her ear to the door and hear...well, strange noises(A/N: NO, I'm not going to be very graphic. I have my limits. :) )coming from the room. She finally went back to her room and lied down in her coffin for a nap. She was slipping into unconciousness, fast. Then...she was on a beach...a light breeze tickled her face as she watched the sunset...she was lying in the lap of a muscular man, his arms around her waist...he planted a kiss on her cheek in which she reacted with a soft giggle...she turned her head behind her to see...Pip? Woah, now...back up! She hardly had any time to think before she found herself leaning into a kiss, but...she didn't seem to want to stop. Closer...closer, they were getting. And then...Seras awoke to a loud noise that sounded similar to someone sawing a cat in half. She grabbed Pip's clothes and ran up the stairs, as fast as she could. When she finally got to the top stair, she wrenched open the door and she saw Pip, running around the mansion, screaming bloody murder...in a sheet.

"Ugh...I'm glad he finally came back to normal...It felt like he was violating me forever!" Seras turned to see her master stading next to her, a tired, miserable look on his face. Seras blushed at the thought of what Pip had been doing to her master. Then she came to her senses.

"So...um...I'm guessing he took it quite badly when he woke up?" Seras replied.

"Pretty much...hey, what are you laughing at, Police Girl?" he said as he noticed Seras giggling, "Well?"

"It-It's just so...so funny! I really could never imagine you..or Pip doing...that...to another guy...let alone each other! Hee-hee!" then, Seras burst out laughing.

"You--I--Like I had a choice or anything!" Alucard said, his face flushing a dark shade of red. She smiled at him, then walked over to Pip, who was on the floor, curled in a ball, covered by only a sheet.

"Do you need something, Captain Bernedette?" Seras said, trying not to laugh as she handed him his clothes. He looked up at her with his green eye and took them from her, an extremely frightened look on his face.

"Th-Thank you, S-Seras..." he said as he went underneath his sheet to put on his clothes. Seras smiled and said,

"In case you're wondering where your underwear is, you left it in Sir Hellsing's office." Pip came out from under the sheet, fully clothed, with a devilish look on his face, and said,

"So you say I left 'em in Sir Hellsing's office? Hmm, hmm, hmm...what was I doing in there? Or should I say...who was I doing? Oh, well. I don't normally wear underwear anyways. She can keep 'em as a...a souvenier. Dang, I did Sir Hellsing! I bet you're jealous, Big Red!" Pip said, turning to Alucard, who rolled his eyes. Then, Integra came strolling down the stairs to where they were. She walked over to Captain Bernedette and said,

"I'm guessing you're back to your usual self now, Captain Bernedette?" Pip smirked devilishly and said, smacking Integra's behind,

"You bet, babe." Integra glared angrily at him, then procceded to beat the crap out of Pip. Seras and Alucard watching her, laughing their butts off. While they were laughing, a certain little purple turtle walked past them, and into the kitchen...

See? See? SEE? I told you it was really out of character! But, I did the best I could to keep them in character, please forgive me if I did a poor job. v.v So, how did you like it? Was it funny? Was it stupid? Did you think it was a waste of time? Did you get a kick out of it? Could you understand it? Have you not noticed I like muffins? WELL? -Ahem- 'Scuse me, I've had one to many glasses of tea with too much sugar in it. Well, tell me if you liked it or not! -smile- I might make another chapter, if I feel like it...or if anyone likes it. :D Well, that's that! Sayonara...for now. -devious grin-