One year.
It had been one whole year since Ian had last seen Anthony.
He could barely believe it. When he'd moved to Jersey with Melanie three years ago, after Smosh had finally ended, he'd promised Anthony that he'd come back to California to visit all the time. And for the first two years, he'd kept it up. He'd gone back to Sacramento every chance he got, for holidays and birthdays and sometimes for no reason at all, just to see his best friend and hang out, like old times. And, of course, he'd been there for Anthony and Kalel's wedding.
But this year... he'd lost track of time, somehow. Despite the texting and the Skype calls and constant vague discussion of coming to visit sometime, Ian had been busy, and he'd just never gotten around to it.
And now it was December again, nearing the holiday season, and Ian was shocked to realize that the last time he'd seen Anthony was for Christmas last year.
He'd been working on the manuscript for his new book at the time, but the moment the thought entered his head, he'd practically slammed his laptop shut and grabbed his phone off the table, hurriedly dialling Anthony's number.
After several rings, Anthony picked up. "Ian?"
"Hey," Ian said, grinning slightly at the sound of his voice. "Can I come visit for Christmas?"
-
And so, on Christmas Eve, Ian found himself on Anthony's doorstep, suitcase in hand. He smiled to himself as he reached up to ring the doorbell.
Anthony opened the door no more than ten seconds later, already grinning widely. Without even hesitating, Ian dropped his suitcase and pulled Anthony into a bone-crushingly tight hug.
"It's so great to see you, dude," Anthony said, stepping back so that Ian could get inside the house. Ian noticed that it was mostly dark inside, save for the empty living room.
"Where's Kalel?" he asked.
"She's spending Christmas with her family in L.A.," Anthony replied.
Ian frowned. "Dude, you should've said something! I wouldn't have come if I knew that."
Anthony shook his head. "Nah, I'd rather be here, trust me. The last thing I wanted was to spend Christmas with Kalel's relatives. Screaming kids everywhere." He made a disgusted face, and Ian laughed.
"You're sure you don't mind spending Christmas alone like this?" he asked, still feeling a little guilty.
Anthony grinned. "I won't be alone. I'll have my best friend with me."
Ian couldn't help but grin back. "How about getting your best friend a beer?"
Anthony rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Go put your shit in the spare bedroom," he said, gesturing to Ian's suitcase. Ian let out an exaggerated sigh, but obediently dragged his suitcase down the hall, pushing it into the small bedroom. He could unpack it later.
When he got back to the dining room, Anthony was seated at the table, taking a swig from his beer bottle. An unopened one sat on the table next to him. Ian sat down, opening the bottle and taking a long drink. The cold liquid was refreshing after the six-hour flight to California.
When he finally put the bottle down, Anthony was smiling at him.
"What?" Ian asked, but he couldn't help smiling back.
"It's just nice to see you," Anthony replied, shrugging. "It's been a while."
"It has," Ian agreed. "It's been way too long."
-
For a while, they made small talk. Anthony lost track of time, but after a while he realized that, between the two of them, they'd finished off a six-pack. And yet, despite the alcohol, his mind felt surprisingly clear, and he realized that they'd been avoiding the subject of what was really going on in their lives.
Ian seemed to have drifted off into thought, so Anthony broke the silence.
"How's your new book coming?" he asked.
Ian shrugged. "Pretty good, I guess. It's easier than the last one was."
"You know, I've read it about ten times. Your first book, I mean. It's amazing."
Ian blushed slightly at the compliment, looking down at his beer. "I started working on it while we were still doing Smosh, you know."
"Oh," Anthony said. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. They didn't talk about Smosh much anymore; at least, not with each other. It felt strange.
Ian must have felt the tension, because he quickly changed the subject. "How's Kalel doing? With the pregnancy and everything, I mean."
"Everything's going fine," Anthony replied, smiling slightly. "We just went to see the doctor last week. It's going to be a boy. Should be born in February."
Ian smiled and squeezed Anthony's hand. "A boy. That's great, man."
Anthony nodded. "Yeah... I guess it is." He laughed shakily. "I'm fucking terrified, dude."
Ian shook his head. "Don't be. I know you'll be a great dad. Hey, have you got any names picked out yet?"
"Yeah, actually." Anthony smiled. "We were thinking of going with Christopher Ian."
Ian's jaw dropped, and he stared wordlessly at Anthony for a few second before he found his voice. "Ian? As in... me?"
Anthony nodded, stifling a laugh at the look of shock on Ian's face. "You changed my life, dude. With Smosh and everything. I sure as hell wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you." He took another swig of beer, settling down deeper into the couch.
"Are you happy where you are right now?" Ian asked.
Anthony looked up, caught slightly off guard by the question. "What? I mean, sure I am. I've got an amazing wife, a good income, a baby on the way... That's the American dream, right?"
Ian didn't break eye contact. "Do you wish you would have... you know... done anything different?"
Anthony sighed, fiddling with the beer bottle in his hands. "Maybe," he said finally. "I just... I wish we hadn't ended Smosh so soon, you know? We were only twenty-eight, dude. We could've gotten a few more years out of it."
Ian nodded. "I think so too. But... there's something else, isn't there?"
Anthony looked up at him. Ian's gaze was intense, almost accusatory. Leave it to Ian to see right through him when he was trying to hide something.
Anthony nodded. "Yeah. I wish I'd..." But the words wouldn't come out. He found his throat closing up.
"Never mind," he murmured, shaking his head.
"Ant," Ian whispered, and something in his tone told Anthony that he'd understood him anyway.
"Yeah?"
Ian's hand trailed down Anthony's arm. "Come here."
Anthony couldn't even bring himself to hesitate. The moments the words left Ian's lips, Anthony leaned in to kiss them. Ian's mouth was warm and wet, rougher than Kalel's but just as inviting. It may have been their first kiss, but it didn't feel that way; it was like Ian's lips were made for his, and their movements fell into sync effortlessly. When they pulled away after a few long seconds, Anthony found himself shaking.
"Wow," he whispered. He didn't know what to say.
Apparently, Ian did. "I love you," he said softly.
Anthony took a deep, shaky breath, staring into his best friend's wide blue eyes. "I love you too." As monumental as the words were, they barely surprised him; he supposed he'd known it for a while, ever since they were 24 years old and Youtube superstars.
"Why didn't we ever..." Anthony's words trailed off, but Ian knew what he meant.
"I don't know," he said, sighing. "I guess... I guess it was easier to just keep things the way they were, with Melanie and Kalel and Smosh."
Anthony bit his lip, and moved his hand tentatively to Ian's thigh. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. "Can we make up for it now?"
"Yes," Ian breathed, and then his lips were on Anthony's again, more forceful this time. Anthony let out a shuddering breath as he gripped the back of Ian's hair and pulled him deeper into the kiss.
That night, their pent-up feelings exploded outward in a rush of passion.
-
When the numbers on the digital alarm clock beside Anthony's bed changed from 11:59 to 12:00, Ian broke the silence that had settled over the room.
"Merry Christmas, Ant."
Anthony pulled him closer, their bare skin pressed together beneath the sheets. "Merry Christmas, Ian." He felt a little stab of guilt over what he'd done with Ian in the bed he shared with Kalel every night, but right now he just wanted to hold the man he loved.
There was silence a little while longer, before Ian spoke again.
"So... where do we go from here?"
Anthony sighed, burying his face in Ian's neck. "I love you so much," he whispered. "But... I have a wife. Soon I'll have a baby. I can't just..."
"I know," Ian replied, shushing him gently. "I understand, Ant. Tonight was perfect, but I'm ready to move on."
But Anthony shook his head. "I don't want to move on."
Ian pulled back a little to stare at him. "What do you mean?"
Anthony squeezed Ian's hand. "I know we can never be together for real, but... you know... whenever you come to visit me, maybe we could..."
"Do this again?"
Anthony nodded. "I know it's wrong, but... I just don't know if I'd be able to handle being just friends after this."
Ian pulled him in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around Anthony's waist. "I won't tell Melanie if you don't tell Kalel," he whispered.
Anthony nodded, and he felt himself beginning to smile. The feeling of guilt in the pit of his stomach was far outweighed by the happiness swelling in his chest. "Just promise me one thing," he murmured.
Ian smiled. "Anything."
"Don't wait a year before coming to visit next time, okay?"
Ian laughed. "I promise."