The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off doing something somewhere. Honestly this just came out of my tiny little mind while not so patiently waiting for Season 8 to hurry up and arrive already!
The Figgis Relationship Analysis Agency
"All right! Meeting time! Meeting time!" Archer called out to the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Look! There's an emergency going on we need to talk about!"
"We just restocked the alcohol," Pam said.
"Not that," Archer told her. "But thanks for telling me. I was starting to get worried about that too. No this is a real emergency!"
"God Sterling," Mallory groaned as she took a drink from the glass in her hand. "What stupid thing are you crowing about this time?"
"I bet it has something to do with a dumb TV show," Lana said as she sat on a chair.
"For your information, Lana," Archer glared at her. "I never call a meeting over a dumb TV show! Except that one time for Star Trek Enterprise. I admit I might have slightly overreacted on that one."
"You think?" Lana snapped. "You kept going on how you were going to assassinate Scott Bakula."
"Which was a mistake!" Archer agreed. "I should have gone for the writers."
"We had to lock you in your office until Krieger pumped enough drugs in you to forget your name," Mallory grumbled. "Much less a dumb TV show."
"Well since my name was linked to that show…" Archer said. "But I digress."
"Like nobody else I know," Lana said.
"Shut up," Archer said. "Anyway, to get to the point of this meeting…"
"But why bother with that when you can just dick around?" Cyril quipped.
"HA!" Mallory snorted.
"This is actually important Cyril!" Archer snapped. "It's about Gareth Grenlow and Delilah Delmont!"
"The actors that are married to each other?" Ray's ears perked up. "The movie stars!"
"Those two have been on Hollywood's top A Couple's list for years," Pam said. "Wait, they're our newest clients?"
"Good job Sterling!" Mallory grinned. "For once you did something right! What's the job and how much are they paying?"
"Whatever it is we gotta charge them a wad load," Pam said. "A big ass wad load!"
"I knew it!" Cyril grinned. "I knew sooner or later…Wait. Archer how did you get them as clients?"
"I didn't," Archer said.
"Then what the hell is this meeting about?" Mallory snapped.
"I think those two are headed for a divorce," Archer said.
"And we've been called on the case?" Lana was confused.
"No," Archer shook his head. "I'm actually kind of worried about them."
"Hang on…" Lana said.
"I mean this is a big deal guys," Archer said. "For starters, what's going to happen to their 14 adopted kids? Do they all get sent back to their original countries or what…?"
"It wouldn't be a problem if they just bought American," Mallory shrugged.
"Hang on!" Lana barked. "Archer what kind of mission is this meeting about?"
"Oh, it's not a mission," Archer said. "I just thought we should talk about Gareth and Delilah. It's in all the news."
"I don't believe this…" Ray groaned.
"Neither do I," Archer said. "They seemed so happy on the red carpet. Of course, that was before the critics got a hold of their latest movie: Sandcastles of Tomorrow. Whoo! That was a bomb! Am I right?"
"I don't freaking believe this…" Ray groaned.
"Then again I guess a bad movie you do with your wife could cause any marriage to go off the rails," Archer said. "Look at Ben and Jennifer."
"So just to be clear," Lana felt a headache coming on. "This meeting isn't about a potential case. It's basically a gossip circle about a tabloid scandal you saw on TV?"
"And in the papers," Archer said. "And it's technically not a gossip circle. More like a discussion group about relevant topics of the day. And it just so happens that this relevant topic is the fall of another celebrity marriage. So sad."
"Oh this is sad all right," Ray groaned. "For so many reasons!"
"I should have known," Mallory moaned. "I should have known! Every time I get my hopes up my son won't be a complete and total failure…"
"Mother…" Archer gave her a look.
"You called a meeting for this?" Cyril shouted. "When there are more important things we should worry about?"
"Like what?" Archer asked.
"How about focusing on your own relationship problems before worrying about someone else's?" Lana shouted.
"I was going for this is actually my agency," Cyril grumbled. "And I should be holding the meetings for important topics. Like how we're all losing money and desperately need clients. And how it's likely that our water and electricity will be shut off in a month or so. But please. Let's focus on you and Archer for the thousandth time!"
"Great job raising him Ms. Archer," Pam rolled her eyes.
"Don't blame me for this!" Mallory snapped. "I never encouraged this drivel when he was growing up! Reading newspapers yes but…How was I supposed to know they'd devolve into tabloid rags!"
"Hang on. What relationship problems?" Archer asked. "What are you talking about?"
"What relationship problems?" Lana shouted. "What relationship problems? WHAT RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?"
"Yeah what relationship problems?" Archer asked.
"I think the problem is that these two are in a relationship to begin with," Krieger cracked.
"Good one," Cyril chuckled.
Lana glared at Archer as she stood up. "Archer, you promised me things would be different this time. That you wouldn't spend all your time looking at other women to screw with!"
"Technically I'm not looking at other women all the time," Archer said. "Obviously, there's sleeping. Meal times. Bathroom time."
"I know what you've been jacking off to in the bathroom and it's not me!" Lana snapped. "It's pictures of Veronica Older Than Dirt Deane!"
"She's only fifty!" Archer protested.
"Yeah!" Mallory scoffed. "So am I!"
"Wow," Cheryl blinked. "If you're fifty you seriously need some Botox!"
"I was being sarcastic you Twinkie Brained Twit!" Mallory snapped. "Because I'm slightly older than fifty. Obviously I can tell Veronica Deane isn't!"
"Slightly older?" Archer scoffed.
"You mean like a plateosaurus is slightly older than a triceratops?" Cheryl asked. "You know because they were found in two different eras?"
"Lana does kind of have a point Archer," Krieger spoke up. "I mean didn't you tell Katya that it was a miracle that you and Lana found each other again after all these years? And you didn't want to jeopardize that."
"Yeah but…" Archer did a double take. "Hang on. How do you know what I said to Katya? In my old apartment?"
"Uhhhhh…" Krieger blinked. "Lucky guess?"
"That and Krieger put video cameras in your apartment," Cheryl waved.
"You put video cameras in my apartment for…What? To watch me and Lana screw?" Archer barked.
"Not just you," Krieger waved. "I mean…"
"Stop right there," Lana snapped. "Speaking of meetings. I think we need to schedule one about Krieger's boundary issues."
"I'll get the puppets ready," Pam said.
"Right now we are talking about Archer being Archer," Lana said. "And doing exactly what he promised he wouldn't do!"
"Gee I wonder why would Archer not want to look around?" Cheryl asked casually as she looked through a magazine. "Especially when he's dating a complete and total hypocrite."
"What did you say?" Lana growled.
"Oh boy," Cyril groaned. "Here we go…"
"Explain yourself," Lana glared at Cheryl.
"I get bored and sometimes I like to cause drama," Cheryl added. "Especially since I don't have a good glue buzz. I think I need to switch brands again. The one I'm using doesn't do it for me."
"I meant about me being a hypocrite!" Lana snapped.
"Oh yeah that," Cheryl waved. "You totally are."
"How am I a hypocrite, Moon Unit?" Lana snapped. "I am the most honest and real person here!"
Pam responded by laughing along with Cheryl. Lana glared at them.
"Oh," Pam blinked. "You were serious?"
"Okay let's start how you're always saying everything we do is bad and stuff," Cheryl pointed out. "How we're being immoral when we sell drugs or do drugs or commit crimes. But then you go along and do it anyway."
"She's right!" Mallory gasped. "The Midnight Choker is actually right!"
"You say we're all bad and immoral but if anything that makes you worse than us," Cheryl pointed out. "Because you supposedly know better."
"Ha ha!" Pam pointed at Lana and laughed. "You're worse!"
"Plus, you always say how Archer can't be trusted and he broke your trust issues and everything?" Cheryl added. "But you aren't exactly the most trustworthy person here. I mean come on Lana! You used a fake kidnapping scheme with real bullets just to test Archer's parenting skills."
"She's got a point Lana," Ray said. "In her case a choke point."
"That was pretty horrible even by our standards," Krieger admitted. "And manipulative."
"And this from the man who has cameras everywhere and drugs us from time to time," Ray pointed out.
"Exactly! Not to mention your control issues," Cheryl added. "You always have to be in control. Even during sex!"
"Oh yeah," Both Cyril and Archer said.
"I DO NOT!" Lana shouted.
"Yeah you kind of do," Archer said.
"Especially when we role play," Cyril groaned.
"This is a conversation every mother loves to hear," Mallory rolled her eyes.
"Did she ever do that nun thing with you?" Archer asked.
"With the Redeemer? Yes!" Cyril said. "Brrr…"
"Well no wonder you have church issues," Archer admitted.
"What the hell is the Redeemer?" Ray asked.
"NOTHING!" Lana shouted. "I am not a control freak!"
"I hate to say it Lana," Archer said. "But you are in denial about a lot of your issues."
"No wonder every boyfriend you ever had cheated on you," Cheryl said.
"Not every…" Lana fumed. "That is beside the point!"
"Face it Lana," Cheryl went on. "You are a very insecure person. And that just feeds off Archer and his issues. And let's face it, he's got a lot of them."
"Yeah Lana…HEY!" Archer shouted.
"Archer gets off on your insecurities because he's such a misogynist," Cheryl added. "It gives him a feeling of power because he's always felt so powerless against his own mother."
"Again, don't bring me into this!" Mallory shouted.
"You gotta admit," Pam shrugged. "It explains a lot."
"I am not a misogynist!" Archer shouted.
"That's true," Cyril said. "Archer hates both sexes equally."
"He has trouble with people in general no matter what their gender," Ray added.
"So technically that makes Archer a misanthrope," Krieger corrected. "Not a misogynist."
"HEY!" Archer snapped. "I do not hate humanity!"
"Oh please!" Lana rolled her eyes. "Now who's in denial?"
"First of all, I love women!" Archer snapped.
"No," Ray corrected. "You love the feeling of what women do to your dick. That is completely different."
"Archer you pretty much treat almost every person you've ever met like garbage because you think you're better than everyone else in the world," Cyril snapped. "With the exception of women you want to get laid."
"And once you have sex with them, then you treat them like tissues!" Pam added. "Disposable!"
"First of all, I don't think I'm better than everyone else in the world!" Archer snapped. "Most people yes. But not everyone. There is a difference."
"Not much of a difference based on what I've seen over the years," Krieger admitted.
"You constantly antagonize me because you think it's funny," Lana said. "Not to mention rip off my clothes when you think it's funny!"
"When did I do that?" Archer asked.
"The Space Pirate incident?" Lana barked. "Your amnesia incident when we were attacked by real Russian assassins? Brett's God Damn Bi-Earth Day party!"
"When else?" Archer blinked.
"You once threw all my clothes off of a balcony because we got into an argument!" Cheryl shouted.
"You beat me once with my own dolphin puppet during a HR meeting," Pam said.
"You beat me up all the time!" Cyril added.
"Me too!" Ray snapped. "And paralyzed me!"
"Only two out of…four times," Archer counted. "Is it four…? Or is it three out of six? I keep forgetting."
"You constantly sass me back and do things to humiliate me," Mallory added.
"You basically got Brett murdered," Cyril added. "As well as shooting him most of the time."
"Don't forget Barry," Cheryl spoke up. "Technically Archer literally emasculated him."
"Oh yeah," Pam realized. "He's the one who set the grain silo on fire and blew off his dick. And pretty much almost all his non-bionic organs."
"Let's not forget the Fourth of Ju-Luau and what he did to that pig," Krieger said. "In front of everyone! Even I wouldn't do that!"
"Again, that's a pretty high bar to cross!" Mallory pointed.
"What the thing Archer actually did with the pig?" Pam asked. "Or doing it in front of people?"
"Both, either," Krieger shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"I don't know," Archer said. "I'm pretty sure you've done some pretty inappropriate things with your pigs in the past!"
"Even if I did I wouldn't do it in front of everyone at a company party!" Krieger snapped. "By the way I don't!"
"Ehhhh…" Everyone shrugged in disbelief.
"I DON'T!" Krieger shouted. "I may do some genetic experimentation. And some makeup experimentation and maybe I'd take a pig out to dinner or a movie? A little night on the town. But that's as far as it goes!"
Krieger went on. "Besides Archer is the certified pig poker here! Must be a real turn on for you huh Lana?"
"Not really no…" Lana winced. "Oh my god…"
Pam laughed. "You just figured out you had sex with a guy who had sex with…Oh my God!"
Cheryl said. "Yeah and now you just figured out you had sex with a guy who had sex with…OH MY GOD!"
Mallory rolled her eyes. "You all just figured out that you had sex with my degenerate son who had sex with…OH MY GOD!"
Ray turned to Cyril. "And you wonder why given a choice I'd rather sleep with you than Archer?"
Cyril shrugged. "No, I get it now."
"You see it, right?" Ray said.
"Yes, I see why now," Cyril said. "And we all saw it then back at the Fourth of Ju-Luau."
"Oh God," Lana groaned. "Just when I thought I could get that image out of my head!"
"It pops right back in doesn't it?" Pam winced.
"Ewwww…" Cheryl winced.
"I didn't actually have sex with…" Archer bristled.
"Sterling trust us on this!" Mallory snapped. "We were there! We all saw…EWWWW!"
"That is one cold bucket of ice water isn't it?" Pam shuddered.
"At least you're not dating him," Cyril told her.
"Oh yeah," Pam realized.
"Oh God!" Lana groaned.
"Okay this has gotten out of hand!" Archer snapped.
"That's what we said," Ray snapped. "But you kept going…."
"STOP!" Archer shouted.
"Again, that's what we said!" Ray snapped. "Repeatedly!"
"Just when I think I couldn't be less proud of you Sterling…" Mallory groaned. "I am starting to think I failed as a mother!"
"Starting?" Cheryl asked.
"Trust me Ms. Archer," Pam said. "Those red flags have been flying for a long time!"
"No wonder Lana is still with Archer," Ray said. "She does tend to ignore warning signals."
"Just like Archer," Krieger said. "That's one thing they have in common."
"Probably one of the only things they have in common," Cyril grumbled.
"WHAT?" Archer and Lana shouted.
"You are both in complete denial about your relationship," Cheryl said.
"Mostly because they think they are in a real relationship," Cyril added.
"Our relationship is real, Cyril!" Archer snapped.
"Please!" Pam rolled her eyes. "The only connection you two have is how well your genitals fit with each other."
"Which is why you're always looking around for your next hump," Cheryl pointed to Archer.
Pam pointed to Lana. "And you're so freaking insecure you need to yell at Archer to make sure he notices you're actually here!"
"Maybe if you two talked to each other instead of screaming and screwing things wouldn't be this way?" Ray snapped.
"To be honest Lana," Cyril said. "Your relationship with Archer is not that stable."
"I've had nitroglycerin samples that were more stable," Krieger admitted.
"They fight! They screw!" Pam sang. "They fight and screw and screw."
"Fight, fight, fight," Cheryl added. "Screw, screw, screw."
"The Archer and Lana Show!" Pam and Cheryl ended.
"What do you people know about relationships anyway?" Lana shouted.
"Yeah!" Archer snapped. "The longest relationship I've seen here is with Krieger and a hologram he can turn off!"
"Not as long as you'd think," Krieger grumbled.
"Pam, you have had longer relationships with a ham sandwich than with a person!" Archer snapped.
"Cheryl," Lana snapped. "The only meaningful conversations you have are with people who are imaginary!"
"And often they're not even people," Archer said. "They're ostriches! Or some other animal."
"Ray," Lana gave Ray a look. "I have never seen you go out with a guy longer than two weeks. And that is including that one guy that ended up in a coma!"
"I thought that was Ray," Cheryl blinked.
"No, there was another guy," Ray waved. "Long story. It didn't work out."
Lana looked at Ray. "That's because not even ten minutes after saying you would wait for him forever, you ended up hooking up with that male nurse."
"I said I'd wait for him," Ray explained. "I didn't say I'd wait alone."
"And speaking of alone," Archer added. "Do I really need to go into detail about Cyril here?"
"No," Everyone else but Cyril said.
"That's pretty self-explanatory," Pam admitted. Cyril glared at her.
"What about me and Ron?" Mallory snapped. Everyone looked at her. "Okay I'll give you that one."
"You're still together because you both figured out you're going to die pretty soon anyway," Cheryl snorted.
"I wouldn't go that far!" Mallory snapped. "But at this point in our lives, it's just easier to run out the clock."
"I can't believe you people would call a meeting just to complain about our relationship!" Archer snapped. "What is this? The Figgis Agency Relationship Analysis Agency?"
"Wait what?" Ray did a double take.
"Thanks a lot Cyril!" Archer said sarcastically. "Thank you for wasting all our time!"
"YOU CALLED THE DAMN MEETING YOU ASSHOLE!" Cyril shouted.
"Is this how you get your jollies Cyril?" Archer shouted. "Poking your nose into our private lives? What is this? The Spanish Inquisition?"
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Krieger called out. Everyone looked at him. "Oh come on. You knew that was coming."
"On my…" Pam began.
"PHRASING PAM!" Lana shouted. "I actually prefer phrasing! Oh God I do prefer phrasing."
"And I prefer if you idiots keep out of our private lives!" Archer said as he left. "ESPECIALLY YOU CYRIL!"
"GET A LIFE!" Lana agreed as she followed him.
"So the meeting's over?" Cheryl asked.
"Thanks a lot assholes!" Cyril shouted as he stood up and glared at the others. "Seriously, nobody was going to call them out on that? Even you Ms. Archer?"
"Honestly, I just didn't care anymore," Mallory sighed. "I just wanted the meeting to be over."
"That whole pig sex thing rattled you more than you thought huh?" Pam asked.
"It did," Mallory admitted. "And I'm not usually that rattled. Maybe LA is making me soft?"
"Or maybe that brand of scotch isn't as strong as your usual?" Ray suggested.
"This is Japanese whisky actually," Mallory told him. "But I highly suspect it's made in the grocery store that sold it. It just doesn't have the usual kick."
"Was it on sale?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Mallory took another sip and finished her drink. "And now I know why."
"Well I'm glad somebody knows something around here!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"Cyril calm down," Ray said.
"Calm down? CALM DOWN!" Cyril shouted as he started to pace back and forth. "This agency is losing money faster than the entire retail industry! We have no clients! As it is we have to steal basic supplies and siphon gas from cars in the overnight parking garage down the street with a hose!"
"What?" Mallory did a double take.
"Relax," Krieger waved. "It's not like the old days where you'd have to use your mouth. I use my patented Krieger Gas Guzzler Pump 2000. Although there are times I do like the smooth relaxing taste of gasoline in the evening."
"There are so many things about that sentence that are disturbing," Mallory rolled her eyes. "I have no response to that."
"Cyril you're just mad because Archer and Lana are gonna get busy in the broom closet again," Pam snorted.
"I doubt that will happen," Ray said.
"What do you mean?" Pam asked.
"Wait for it," Ray sighed.
"Wait for what?" Cyril asked.
"YOU HAVE ANOTHER DAMN VERONICA DEANE PICTURE ON YOUR COMPUTER?" Lana was heard shouting.
"WHAT? IT'S A GOOD ONE!" Archer shouted back.
"That," Ray remarked.
"Ohhhh," Cyril blinked.
"Oh god," Cheryl rolled her eyes as the sounds of Archer and Lana fighting were heard. "I really hate this plot line."
"It is kind of played out," Pam agreed.
Everyone looked at Pam. "It's just easier to let her think our lives are a TV show," Pam explained. "To be fair she does have a point."
"Everyone's a critic," Krieger rolled his eyes. "This is just building up suspense to an exciting finale."
Cyril looked at them. "This is just building more insanity and I'd like it to finally be over!"
"Well not for at least three more seasons," Cheryl shrugged.