Rex Reigns Supreme
Janet created and owns the characters, I'm just borrowing them.
This story takes place during and after Finger Lickin' Fifteen.
Chapter One. Rex Explains it All.
"This is temporary," I said to Rex. "Don't get attached to Ranger. I know that he's strong and sexy. And I know that he smells nice and he has good food, and his apartment is always the right temperature. Problem is, he's got secrets" (Finger Lickin' Fifteen, Hardback Edition, Page 140.)
Secrets, schmecrets, we've all got em. So this is temporary. Unh. Not if I have anything to say about it. Staying at Ranger's is Hamster Heaven, for this hamster. This is not my first stay at Chez Ranger, as I like to call it. No, I've come along on all of Stephanie's visits. And quite frankly once you've lived in this lap of luxury going back to anything else is a disappointment. I'm putting down my pink rear foot and I'm not going back.
Now, not only does Ranger have the good food and the apartment is climate controlled to my personal taste, there is something else that makes Ranger's apartment the destination of choice for this hamster, Ella. Ah Ella! Excuse me a moment while I swoon. Okay, done with the swooning . . . for now.
My name is Rex, hamster and confidant to Stephanie Plum, my roommate. Now let's just get some things straight. I know that she tells you a lot, but I'm here to tell you that she doesn't tell all. For example, you say? Well for example, did she tell you that I called her "Babe" before Ranger ever came into the picture? No, I didn't think so. I've been calling her Babe since we found each other at the pet shop. But that's okay, because, well just because. And who was the Attack Hamster that protected her before Ranger became the resident knight in shining black vehicle? I'm just saying that there may be parts of the story that haven't been fully explained.
Have I mentioned Ella? Ella is, well, she's perfect. (Singing.) "Me and Mrs. Guzman, we have a thing going on". If only. (Audible sigh.) Yeah I know about the husband. I've met Louis. Good guy. Worships the ground she walks on . . . as he should. But if he ever, ever forgets that she is a Goddess and if she could be persuaded to date a hamster, I am so there. Ella is why I'm planning the coup to remain at Chez Ranger.
Why the coup? Why go to extreme measures to stay at Chez Ranger? Have I mentioned Ella? I have. Okay. Have I mentioned my other possible living arrangements? No? Okay, let's go through the alternatives and you'll see why this hamster's got to do what this hamster's go to do.
We could move back home, Stephanie's apartment. It's not bad, but it's not good. The place is like Grand frickin' Central Station. People in and out at all hours. It really throws my routine off. Like Ranger, I'm always in training. I have to run the wheel a few hours a day, sleep on a regular schedule and eat healthfully. This doesn't not happen at Stephanie's. No, if it's not the constant comings and goings of her intruders, ahem, I mean visitors, it's something with Stephanie. She's just an itsy bitsy needy. I say this with love. She seeks my counsel at all hours, usually when it's time for one of my scheduled power naps. Good thing I have a sweet spot for her or my invoices for the endless hours of talk therapy would be staggering. So Stephanie's place, not a great choice.
What about Morelli's house? Morelli's house! I live in mortal fear of staying at Morelli's house. Does Stephanie ever give me a courtesy consult before whisking me off to Motel Morelli? That would be a resounding no. Why do I shudder at the thought of going to Morelli's? Have I mentioned Grandma Bella? Have I mentioned Aunt Rose's wallpaper? (Sound of beady eyes being rolled.) Have I mentioned Bob, the Canine Vacuum? Motel Morelli? Definitely not a good choice.
Then there's Grandma Plum's. It's an okay choice until she starts telling me that Gloria Ulbecki's grandhamster doesn't eat cheese doodles and cake and Myra Andolini's grandhamster doesn't run the wheel at all hours of the night. Mary Lou's? With her ruffians. Valerie's? I'm not Kloughning with that bunch. The Bonds Office? What, just what if Vinnie decides he's in love with me? I'll have to bite, whatever appendage is nearest.
(Singing.) "Meee aaaand, Mrs., Mrs. Guzman." Why would I want to live anywhere but at Chez Ranger? Why would I want to go without Ella? Ella who changes my bedding as often as she changes Ranger's sheets. Ella who drops carrots, broccoli and apples in my cage daily along with organic hamster pellets. Ella who has swapped out my tomato soup can for an extra large Progresso soup can. Ah Ella, mi Corazon.
So I was quietly minding my own business, living the life, plotting my coup in my extra large bed, err, soup can, munching on some apple, when I overheard Stephanie say to Ranger "I think that I'll keep the job a while longer, but I'll move out of your bed". (Finger Lickin' Fifteen, Hardback Edition, Page 306.) Move out of your bed! Move out of your bed! As soon as I decoded that that meant that I would be moving out of Ranger's apartment, I was being whisked away, again. Within minutes, I was being plunked on Morelli's coffee table. The Canine Vacuum was near and making slurping sounds. I was so distressed; I could barely watch the Rangers' game.
Apparently, Morelli's guys missed Stephanie, a lot. What's with that? If that's Morelli's idea of come on line to seduce a woman, then. . . Actually, it works. It works on Stephanie, every time. She thinks it's "cute". We've been at Motel Morelli for a week.
Stephanie, Stephanie, what is wrong with you? You need a head slap and not just a mental one. We've both got perfection waiting for us on the seventh floor at Rangeman, and you go for "my guys miss you". Babe, wake up and smell the Bulgari!
Now the only good thing about being at Morelli's for a week is that we won't be here too much longer. Soon there will be "The Argument". (Yeah, I just made the air quotes gesture.) Something will happen with Stephanie's job, which will cause Morelli to down a Maalox cocktail and whine that other men have girlfriends with normal jobs like testing the fuses on firecrackers. Then he'll imply that she's a poor excuse for a bounty hunter, that she should quit her job, marry him and have babies. Then she'll tell him to stop yelling at her, she'll give him her patented Burg death glare and an Italian hand gesture, she'll pack up her stuff, including me and stomp out of Morelli's to her apartment, her parents, Ranger's, wherever.
"The Argument" hasn't happened yet. It will happen and I need to be prepared. Because this time when Stephanie does another spur of the moment relocation, she needs to relocate me, I mean us, back to Ella's, okay, okay, Chez Ranger.
So here I am pacing. I stop. I look around. I notice that my bedding isn't meeting the Ella standard of freshness. I pace some more. I'm thinking, thinking, thinking. I'm thinking what to do so that when argument day comes I can convince Stephanie that we need to go home, to Haywood Street.
Chapter 2: Rex Thinks About It
So I'm thinking and nothing's happening. So I get into my thinking position, tummy down, legs spread out. What? You think Stephanie's the only one with a thinking position? No, I don't think so. In fact, Babe didn't have a thinking position until I showed her mine. So there. Don't tell me, she didn't tell you that she got the thinking position from me. You work, you slave on the wheel and no one gives you your props. Let me just tell you that before I gave Babe the thinking position, she had bupkis.
Okay, I need to tell you how Stephanie got her thinking position before my blood pressure spikes. One day I was in my thinking position and Stephanie comes home. She looked like she had been dragged through garbage, again, and pee yew, she reeked. Thankfully, Stephanie bypassed me and went straight to bathroom to take a shower and commune with the shower massage. Later, she came over to my cage, looked at me, made kissy noises and dropped a cheerio in my dish. Since I'm thinking, I do nothing. Stephanie looked at me again and said "Deep thoughts Rex?".
Well, yeah. I had just started to recite A Tail of Two Hamsters to myself. "It was the best of tails, it was the worst of tails . . ." So I cast my eyes up at her and silently said, "Babe, you have no idea. The talk shop is closed for the day. I'm on Rex time".
She turned on her heels headed to the bedroom and said, "I think I'll try some deep thinking too". Sure, whatever. So then I heard tossing and turning and pillows being flipped. Then Stephanie stomped out of the bedroom back into the living room, looked at me and huffed "I can't think lying on my stomach. My boobs get in the way." Her boobs get in the way. Really? If she were Connie, I'd demand a demonstration. So I shot her a look that said, "Babe, I'm still in my zone. Want to try another thinking position, in another room, say at your Mother's?" She stomped back in to her bedroom and fussed awhile until I heard her tell me that she's discovered that her thinking position is on her back, not on her stomach squashing her B-cups. I live for these intimate moments with Stephanie.
So I'm in my thinking position and nothing's happening. I'm thinking so hard that my eyes glaze over like icing on a doughnut and my mind starts taking side trips. I'm wondering what Ella's doing with her free time, now that I'm gone and she doesn't have my bedding to freshen. Does Ella miss me as much as I miss her? She does. I know it. She misses my black beady eyes looking up at her with adoration when she gives me a broccoli floret. On those thoughts, I am lured in to a non-scheduled power nap and transported to Chez Ranger.
I am roused from my slumber, when I feel bumps on the side of my home and hear panting. I barely open my eyelids. Damnation, I am still at Motel Morelli. Still more bumps and panting. No, please don't tell me that Stephanie and Morelli are at it again on the couch and have practically rolled on to my coffee table. No. Thank goodness. I'm still working to get that visual erased from my brain. No, the Canine Vacuum is lonely and wants company and he's bumping my cage to arrange an immediate play date. If I have told Bob once, I have told him a billion times "Dude, I don't do play dates with dogs". Does he listen? Does he scram? No, he just drools and not in an attractive way. Stephanie thinks it's cute that Bob tries to make friends with me. But then she thinks Morelli's cute when he tells her that his guys miss her. Enough with the cute already, it's giving me a migraine.
Now this really makes me start to think. If I really want a Bob and migraine free existence at Chez Ranger, I have to come up with a plan that has Stephanie running straight out of Motel Morelli and right into Ranger's arms. I need to be strategic. I need to be bold. I need to be fearless. I need to channel Napoleon.
Why Napoleon? And why not? He's great. He's so great he has a pastry named after him. And he was a snappy dresser. Besides, mon ami, other than Ella (and Babe too), I love all things French, especially lingerie. Did I say that out loud? I did. (Chuckling.) I can be such a roué at times. Note to self: Need to discuss lingerie choices with Babe. Convince her that a merry widow corset would maximize cleavage. (Not to mention that the sight of Stephanie in a merry widow corset should make Ranger a very Merry Man indeed.) But I digress.
Stop digressing. Think strategically. Think Bonaparte. Did I tell you that I am convinced that I am Napoleon's long lost great, great, great, great grandhamster? Truly. Have you noticed the similarities between the Napster and moi? The slight stature, the regal bearing, the beady eyes. You see it now don't you. I wish I had some of his snappy outfits. If I had a Napoleonic outfit, I would stand on my hind legs and strike heroic poses. Of course, it would be nice if I had an outfit. Good thing I'm furry or "my guys" would be on exhibit, like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre.
Still digressing. Still not thinking strategically. Still on the coffee table at Motel Morelli, with Bob drooling and panting at me. Other than the thought that I could use an umbrella to protect me from Tropical Storm Bob, I'm stumped. Perhaps, my little grey cells need to be refreshed. Perhaps another un-scheduled power nap. Perhaps . . . zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Chapter 3: Rex Plans It All
Slide, crash, topple! (Bob crashes into a dining room chair and topples it over.) Yeah I'm awake. What in the hell? You toppled the chair! Oh my. This coffee table is a bit wobbly and, and, oh. Oh no. What if Bob should slide into the coffee table and, and. Please excuse me for a moment, while I have a panic attack. Rex, you can do this. Take deep, calming, cleansing breaths. Stop gasping. Think serene and happy thoughts. More deep cleansing breaths. Ah, that's better.
I'd like to make an announcement. The panic attack is now over.
I, we gotta get out of this place. I am at risk here. I'll have to call an emergency meeting with Stephanie the moment she walks in the door to plan our exit strategy. I need to organize my thoughts and write my agenda now. Okay, where's the paper and pencil. Drat, no paper and pencil in my cage. That's okay, I can handle this. I'll just use a white board and markers. No white board and markers! Yo Babe, would it kill you to kit out my cage with the essentials? Hello! A home office for the cage would be a nice upgrade. It's difficult to do project management without the right gear. Why am I talking to thin air?
I'll just have to do my planning in my head. I'll channel the Napster again. Rex, remember, great leaders have to think on their feet. In my case on my hind feet. I can do this. Okay, let's write the agenda.
Agenda for the Emergency Meeting of the Stephanie Plum Family Unit
Attendees: Rex the Hamster, Stephanie Plum
Date: Today
Time: ASAP or Sooner
Objective: Develop Motel Morelli Exit Strategy
Item # 1: Meet and greet.
Item # 2: Get me the hell out of here.
Item # 3: Get me the hell out of here NOW.
Item # 4: Closing remarks.
Item # 5: Coffee and dessert. No, I'm desperate, scratch Item # 5.
New Item # 5: Immediate relocation to Chez Ranger.
I like it. It's simple, clear and to the point. I do all the talking and Stephanie just has to nod her head and then take me to Ranger's. Perfect.
Is it perfect? It satisfies my needs and goals, but what about Babe? Maybe Babe really loves Morelli. (Sigh.) Maybe she secretly wants to get married and squeeze out little Morellis. (Bigger sigh.) Maybe she likes this little house and Aunt Rose's wallpaper. (Gasp.) Maybe she adores the canine drool delivery system. (Gasp!) I'm an only hamster. I don't want a stepbrother. (Gasp!) Oh no, what if she wants to stay at Motel Morelli forever. (GASP!) Excuse me again, while I have yet another panic attack.
I'd like to make another announcement. The second panic attack of the day is now over.
Stephanie, Schmephanie why am I worried about your feelings? Babe, watching you and Morelli is like watching windshield wipers. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. It could make a hamster dizzy and I'm prone to vertigo. So please, let's go forth and not come back. Are you getting my oh so subtle hints here? Someone has to make a decision, and it's going to be me. (Now I'm really channeling Napoleon.)
Besides, this is about me. It's always about me. You know that, I know that. Remember how you took me to Ranger's the first time because you were worried that I would be homeless. Remember how you took me there just a few weeks ago to save me from toxic fumes. Let's repeat, it's all about Rex, it's all about Rex, it's all about Rex. Now click your heels three times and we'll be at Chez Ranger. Okay, I'm now ready for our meeting. I can't wait until Stephanie comes home.
Wait! What if my little sit down with Stephanie doesn't work? I need a back-up plan. Back to the white board. Mental head slap, I don't have a white board.
(Singing and dancing.) "Can't touch this. Can't touch this. Break it down. It's Hamster time"
It came to me. I have the plan for Operation Return Rex to Chez Ranger. I'm going to go all Gandhi on Steph and do a hunger strike. And, it gets better. Wait, just wait until I tell you. I'm also going to "develop" allergies to Morelli and Bob. Whenever they are in the living room, I'm going to sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. Whenever they come near me, I'm going to have anxiety attacks. Maybe I'll bite Morelli when he drops some food in my bowl. When Stephanie sees that I can't be consoled and that I'm in a downward spiral, she'll whisk me away to a safe house, hopefully on the seventh floor of the Rangeman building. Oh yeah, this will work. Why? Because, it's all about moi.
I make a deep bow to thank Napoleon for his help and continue singing and dancing. "Can't touch this. Can't touch this. Break it down. It's Hamster time."
Chapter 4: Rex Takes Action
(Still singing.) "Can't touch this. Can't touch this. Break it down. It's Hamster time."
Sometimes even the best laid plans of hamster and men need to defer to fate. What happened next was providence smiling on me.
So I'm celebrating the "birth" of my plan, when the front door opens. Now this is strange, because it's not time for Stephanie or Morelli to be coming home from work. How do I know this? Bob wasn't doing his potty dance by the front door.
Anyhow, two people barged in. Is it really two people? They look like they're co-joined at the hip and other parts of the anatomy. Could that be Morelli? Is that Stephanie? No Stephanie has brown curly hair and this chick has blonde hair. Who is this un-Stephanie creature?
They're laughing, snuggling and completely unaware of their surroundings. Morelli pulled the un-Stephanie on to the floor with a thud and knocked the coffee table over. The top of my cage popped off and I was sent spewing out of my cage. It happened so fast.
The next thing I knew I was on the floor on the other side of the room. It took me a few headshakes to get my bearings. I knew it. I knew it. I knew this could happen. That table was wobbly to begin with. I knew I was at risk. It's not my fault that Morelli was doing the deed with the un-Stephanie on the floor and knocked me out of my cage. It's not my fault that I was hurled across the room. It's not my fault that Joe's a cheating so and so. Hold it! Joe's a cheating so and so! I knew it!
Remember the time when Babe borrowed his jacket to do a Ben & Jerry's run and found a pair of panties in his pocket? Oh, that's right, you weren't there. So she finds these undies in the pocket of his jacket. When she asks him about the panties, he cleverly dodged that bullet by saying that they were her undies. "Cupcake, of course these are your panties. I keep them in my jacket pocket cause I always want you near me". Harrumph! Since they kind of looked like her panties and Stephanie being the gullible, I mean kind girl that she is, bought that load of . . . stuff.
Now being a connoisseur of fine lingerie, I happen to know that those weren't Babe's panties. They were La Perlas, which are FABULOUS, but pricey. And we know that Babe's cash flow, alas, is far too humble for her to buy panties that cost a hundred dollars or more. However, there is a Mafia Princess turned police informant in Trenton who does have a La Perla-sized lingerie budget. You see where I'm going with this.
What was I saying? Oh, I remember. It occurred to me that Morelli's doing the deed with the un-Stephanie on the floor! Wonder if his guys missed her too? What a lucky break for Operation Return Rex to Chez Ranger.
Think on your feet Rex, there's has to be some way to make the most of this situation. Think Napoleon. I walked stealthily around the room to size up the state of affairs. (Yep, I meant it that way.) Speaking of size, what I could see of Morelli's package was, truthfully, underwhelming. But I digress. So they're going at it. Clothes were flying. Was that a pair of La Perla panties? Bodies are rolling, sounds are grunted and then it was very quiet.
Morelli was lying on the floor on his side, with the un-Stephanie hugging and stroking him from behind. His guys were exposed and half-awake. And I thought, why not. Why not give Joe his comeuppance, if you know what I mean.
So I darted over to Morelli. I looked over his equipment and thought; I could inflict some damage here. For a split second, I thought, ew, I can't do this. Then I thought of Babe and knew that I had to hamster up, flash my fangs and seek revenge. C'est la guerre! The Attack Hamster was ready for battle. As distasteful as it was to do, I climbed up Morelli's leg and bit his penis. When he yelled in pain and tried to flip me off of him, I bit harder. When I inflicted enough damage on Morelli, I scurried around to the un-Stephanie and bit her leg. I stood tall, waved one of my front feet and silently proclaimed "Morelli, you are scum. I avenge your betrayal of Stephanie. You don't deserve to be the dirt under her somewhat large, er, dainty feet. And I don't like Aunt Rose's wallpaper." So there.
Then I ran for cover to watch the drama. I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt and I had laughter leakage.
Morelli was writhing in pain and he had his hands cupped over his penis. He had lost his temper and was trying to find me to kill me, but he wasn't walking too well. The un-Stephanie was squealing and looking at the bite on her leg.
Morelli: "Damn it Terri, will you help me, my dick is throbbing." (Damn Skippy!)
Terri: (Inspecting her leg.) "Does him have a boo boo on his penis? Don't expect me to come over there and kiss it, I have my own wound to deal with. Damn! This may leave a scar. (Damn Skippy! You tell him un-Stephanie, ahem, I mean Terri.)
Morelli: "Why are you worried about a little scar? I'm wounded." (And?)
Terri: "Get real. We're talking about a visible scar on my calf." (Sorry about that, Hon. I had to do it. A little time and a lot of fade cream and no one will notice. By the way, if you don't tell your kingpin Uncle that I bit you, I won't tell him that you're a slut. Are we cool?)
Morelli: (Groaning.) "When I find that I fucking rodent, I'm going to shoot him. I need an ice pack." (Was he referring to moi, I thought as I was blotting tears of laughter from my beady black eyes? Oh and by the way, Joe, you may want to watch out for frostbite.)
Terri: (Looking over at Joe) "You might need more than an ice pack. You might need a rabies shot and some stitches. I think we should call 911." (Gasp! I might need some kind of a shot too. God only knows where he's been putting that thing. Ew, I could have Morelli cooties! Is it warm in here? No? Why am I'm dabbing sweat from my brow? Excuse me, I don't want to seem to be an alarmist or anything but someone call 911!)
Morelli: "Terri, are you crazy? I'm not calling this into 911. It will be through the Burg rumor mill in a nanosecond." (Yeah, right. Like it'll take as long as a nanosecond on BNN – Burg Network News.)
Terri: "Then go to the emergency room at St. Francis. You need to get it looked at." (Yo, while you're at it, you may want to confirm that you have Adult-onset Morelli Men Syndrome.)
Morelli: "You look at it." (Ew!)
Terri: "What do you think I am, a flippin' nurse? I looked at it; you need go to the ER." (Yeah, the ER staff will get few yucks when you explain how you got that bite on that body part. They'll like have to tell everyone they know about what "happened" at work today. Ah, that's the cherry on the top of the pineapple upside down cake of my day.)
Morelli: "Damn it, you're right. Help me get into a pair of sweat pants." (What no briefs to go under the sweats? Are we a tad tender in a sensitive spot?)
I can't help but feeling a little tiny bit proud of myself. (Singing.) "Can't touch this. Can't touch this. Break it down. It's Hamster time."
Terri went to the bedroom to get Joe a pair sweat pants. Seemed like she knew the lay of the land. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.) As Terri was re-entering the living room, stark naked, with Joe's pants in her hands, the lock on the front door tumbled, and Stephanie walked in.
Chapter 5: Rex Dries a Tear
Babe tramped in the front door and stared at Joe and Terri standing in front of her, stark naked. Morelli was still clutching his penis. Babe stood there frozen doing her imitation of a fish.
I took one look at the scenario before me and thought "Babe! What in the Sam Hill are you doin' here?" Then, I looked at her. She was wet and muddy. Her jeans were torn and she was favoring her left side. Another fun day in Bounty Hunter Land chasing down skips.
I snuggled into the corner I where was hiding and got comfortable. I didn't want to miss a minute of Act Two of this here unfolding drama.
Morelli: "Cupcake". (Cupcake! He actually said Cupcake, instead of I'm sorry, oops, it's not what it looks like. What a doofus.)
Stephanie and Terri looked at each other for a beat and then at Joe.
Stephanie and Terri: (In unison) Yeah. (Oh, this is just getting better by the moment.)
Stephanie: (Looking at Morelli, then glaring at Terri) "I'm Cupcake; I've been Cupcake ever since I hauled his ass into the Cop Shop when he was FTA for Ziggy Kulesza's murder". (Babe, you just caught Morelli and Mafia Barbie naked and you want to debate whose Cupcake?)
Terri: (With a superior attitude.) "I've been Cupcake since Joe and I started dating in high school. (Ouch!)
Morelli: "You're both Cupcake. But very different Cupcakes. Stephanie, you're my " (I cannot believe he's trying to go there.)
Stephanie: "Shut up Joe. Are you still DATING her? Have you ever stopped "dating" her?" (Stephanie, Stephanie, this isn't dating. It's a booty call.)
Terri: "Stephanie, I'm in the room. There's no reason to refer to me as her." (Excuse me Miss Thing.)
Stephanie: "Yes there is. Why are you still here?" (Yes, why are you still here?)
Terri: "Because Joey wants me here." (Joey? Double ouch!)
Stephanie: " Joey? And "Joey" why are you clutching your dick? Did "Cupcake" bite you?" (Good one Babe.)
Morelli: "No, that damn rodent of yours bit me." (Did he just insult me?)
Stephanie: "What did you do to Rex? He hardly ever bites anyone." (That's right. Tell'm, I hardly ever bite anyone, anymore.)
Morelli: "What did I do to Rex? I'm the injured party here." (Right Morelli. I feel your pain.)
Stephanie. "I'm not so sure about that. Where's is Rex? Did you scare him? If you harmed one hair on his head, I will . . ." (Ahh!)
Morelli: (Leaning forward towards Stephanie.) "What Stephanie, just what will you do to me?" (Um, that leaning thing looks threatening to me.)
Stephanie: "I'm not sure, but it won't be nice." (I'm not sure? It won't be nice? Not scary. Babe, we need to work on your threats.)
Morelli: "Stephanie, are you threatening a police officer?" (Stephanie? Threatening? Nah, she's a "Cupcake".)
Stephanie. "Since you're not on duty, I am not threatening a police officer." (Good one. Did you learn cross-examination techniques when you were married to Dickie Orr for 15 minutes?)
Morelli: "How do you know that I'm not on duty? That I'm not conducting an investigation." (What's this? Three card Monty?)
Stephanie: "Using your dick is an interesting method of interrogation." (Gotcha sucka!)
Terri: "What are you saying Joey? That you're banging me to get information." (Gee Joey can't wait to see what Terri's Uncle Vito has to say about this.)
Morelli: "Cupcake." (Again with the Cupcake?)
Stephanie: "Which "Cupcake" are you talking to, me or the Skank?" (Babe, make him suffer.)
Terri: "Yeah, Joey, who are you talking to me or her? I am not a skank." (Right. And Nixon wasn't a thief.)
Stephanie: "Are too." (Are too.)
Morelli: "Damn it. I literally have a pain in my dick from that awful hamster of yours. I need to go to the ER. But when I get back, we need to talk, all three of us. We can work something out." (Excuse me Morelli did anyone ever advise you NOT to think with your penis?)
Stephanie: "Joe, the least you could do is try to look embarrassed. You never liked Rex did you? You just pretended to like him because we were sleeping together." (Well?)
Morelli: "Cupcake." (Enough with the Cupcakes already. Stephanie's Cupcake. Terri's Cupcake. Who isn't a Cupcake in this room?)
Stephanie: "Don't Cupcake me! I am going to find Rex and calm his nerves. Then I'm going to pack my things and get the hell out of here. And Joe, never, NEVER, call me Cupcake again." (Atta girl Babe, you tell him. No, wait, I'll tell him. "Morelli, you're a teeny weeny, pibbling pickolini, piddily diddily fool." Tee hee. I borrowed that from Ramon in Happy Feet. Do you like it? Me too.)
I was verklempt when I heard Babe defend me. I ran to her, leaned my head on her ankle and looked up at her with dewy eyes. She picked me up and placed me in my cage. It was a tender moment.
After she gathered her things, she packed her stuff, me and herself into her current POS car and drove away.
She didn't start to cry until we were pulling away from Motel Morelli. I hurts my heart to see her so upset. And it hurts my eyes, too. Have you ever seen Babe when she's crying? It's frightening. Her nose gets red and runs. Her skin gets splotchy. Her eyes get swollen. Her breathing is so ragged that she honks. She's just . . . pitiful. It makes me love her even more.
So she's driving, but I'm not sure where she's going. None of the landmarks were familiar to my personal GPS. Suddenly she pulls over to have a full-blown sob. She looks at me. I give her my silent support.
Stephanie: (Hitching and hiccupping) "What is with me? Dickie screws Joyce Barnhardt on my new dining room table and ruins our marriage. Morelli. Morelli and Terri Gilman."
Rex: (Silently) "Babe, Morelli's been doing you wrong since you were a girl."
Stephanie: "I know, but I"
Rex: "I know you love him. But why? I know he's handsome and charming in swarthy kind of way, but Babe, really, look at the history. He lures you to play choo choo in his father's garage when you were six and then your Mom figures it out when you come home with your panties on inside out."
Stephanie: "I know. She did give me chocolate pudding when she told me that Mrs. Herrel had heard that I was in the Morelli's garage."
Rex: "She used the chocolate pudding ruse on you? A trusted technique used by mothers for years to pry confessions out of youngsters. Clever woman. Then he's deflowers you at the Tasty Pastry. He doesn't call, but he writes about you on every wall in Trenton."
Stephanie: (Sniffling.) "I know, my parents found out and I was grounded for three months. I did break his leg with my Dad's Buick when he came back from the Navy."
Rex: "Yep. That was classic. But Babe . . ."
Stephanie: (Still sobbing) "I don't know Rex. I thought he was different now that he's a cop and . . ."
Rex: "I know. But Babe, given everything, is he the right guy for you?"
Stephanie: (Hiccupping.) "My Mom thinks so."
Rex: "Yeah, she just wants you get married and become a Burg housewife. She'll change her opinion of Joseph when she hears the latest on BNN. And what about Grandma Mazur?"
Stephanie: "What about Grandma Mazur?"
Rex: "I'll bet she'll tell you that all Morelli Men are scum and that it was just a matter of time before Joe started behaving like his father and brothers."
Stephanie: "Sounds like something Grandma would say."
Rex: "Damn Skippy."
Stephanie: "Morelli's scum."
Rex: "Morelli's scum."
Stephanie: "What do I do now?"
Rex: "Babe."
Chapter 6: Rex Talks to Stephanie
Stephanie started the car again and continued driving, sobbing and babbling. I silently told her that I was there to listen. But honestly, it was hard to tell what she was saying what with the mumbling and hitching. But hey, I was there. Where else would I be since I was held hostage in my cage.
Stephanie turned down a street that looked familiar. She pulled over and parked the car. I looked around and realized that we were in the Burg. We were in front of Valerie's house, or Kloughns' Circus Maximus, as I refer to it. That place is a three-ring circus. In the first ring, you have Albert slipping, tripping and falling over and over again. The headliner of the Kloughn Family Circus, a very pregnant Valerie, is in the center circle. She's juggling a frying pan, a Pamper and a checkbook with one hand while holding Baby Lisa in the other. In the third ring, Angie's riding on the back of the family horse (aka Mary Alice.).
Could Valerie add comforting Babe into her juggling rotation? Probably, since Valerie is perfect. But could she help? After all, didn't Valerie's first husband humiliate her by running off with the babysitter after putting the house into foreclosure? True, but Valerie went from being a Burg housewife in California to being a Burg housewife in the Burg. Babe is no Burg housewife, so I'm not sure how she could help. I guess Stephanie agreed with me, because after a few minutes, she started the car and drove around some more.
Babe drove over to another street in the Burg and parked the car. We were near Grandma Plum's house. Stephanie stayed in the car and was white knuckling the steering wheel. She was sniffling and her chest hitched.
Stephanie knew what would happen if she walked through that door. Her Mom would be tippling and she would tell her, "Mrs. X's daughter never caught her boyfriend almost doing the deed with a Mafia Barbie. Mrs. Y's grandhamster never bites anyone on any body part. Joseph's your last chance for marriage. Pretend that nothing happened and go back to him." By the end of her litany, Grandma Plum would be slapping back the whiskey directly from the bottle. Grandma Mazur would be packing a semi-automatic in her pocketbook ready to hunt down the scumbag and his Grandma Bella. And her Father would be mumbling. Was Babe really up to staying in her old room at her Mom's? Were the pot roast dinners and pineapple upside down cakes worth it?
Stephanie started the car again and we drove by Mary Lou's, then by Connie's and even by Lula's place. Stephanie finally drove back to her apartment building and parked in the back by the dumpster. She hauled me out of the car, went into the lobby and rang for the elevator. When the elevator's doors opened, Mrs. Bestler welcomed us to the store and asked which floor we wanted. Stephanie said "The second floor, please". Mrs. Bestler smiled and announced that there was a sale in the second floor shoe salon and wasn't Stephanie clever to get to the store early to get the best bargains. When we got out the elevator, Mrs. Bestler wished us happy shopping.
Stephanie walked down the hallway, stopped to hunt for her keys and then opened the door. She put me in my usual spot on the kitchen counter. Stephanie looked at me, made kissy noises and said "We're home". Then she gave me some fresh water and a cheerio.
Babe walked to her bedroom. I could tell after a while that she had fallen asleep in her thinking position. Sometimes she could be a "loud sleeper", especially after she had been crying.
Stephanie came back into the kitchen and knocked at the side of my cage. I was exhausted by the day's activities and was taking a power nap, but I knew that I had to do my hamsterly duty. So I woke up, got into my listening position, which is a lot like my thinking position, and prepared for Babe to babble on. Babe looked around and said, "There are so many memories of Joe in this place".
She was right. Joe had cooked sauce in this kitchen. There were memories of many nights of watching games and eating Pino's in the living room. The bedroom held memories that I don't want to know about. And of course who can ever forget when Morelli handcuffed a naked Stephanie to the shower curtain rod and Ranger came to the rescue.
Babe remember that Ranger came to the rescue when you were handcuffed to the shower curtain rod. Ranger comes to the rescue every time you need him. Maybe, just maybe you need him to rescue you (and me) now.
She wasn't listening. Stephanie just continued to walk around the apartment aimlessly, stopping to touch something and linger and then wander aimlessly again. I felt like I was in an Ingmar Bergman movie. Time for an intervention, Rex Style.
Rex: "Babe, Babe, BABE!"
Stephanie: (startled) "What?"
Rex: "Yeesh! I know you're feeling bruised, but not every Morelli memory is a good one. You know what I'm saying here?"
Stephanie: "There are good memories."
Rex: "Yeah, like him cuffing you to the shower bar because his distributor cap was missing?"
Stephanie: "Well that was . . ."
Rex: (interrupting) "Don't even say that it was your fault, even if it was a little bit your fault. He shouldn't have left you naked and cuffed to the rod, especially since he didn't find the cap."
Stephanie: "He did give me the telephone before he left."
Rex: "Well that should get him nominated for any number of humanitarian awards. Babe, he's got the emotional maturity of a, of a Morelli. Sorry to be so blunt, but there it is."
Stephanie: "But, but . . ."
Rex: "Enough! Morelli never grew up. He's still that 18 year old who did you behind the éclair counter. Is that what you want?"
Stephanie: "No, but . . "
Rex: (interrupting.) "I hate to do this to you because I know that you are a life time citizen of Denial land, but we gotta look at this logically, cause if you keep up with this, I am going to run away."
Stephanie: "I'll be logical tomorrow."
Rex: "Stephanie, you have be logical now. You can't wait for tomorrow, because that's when I plan to run away."
Stephanie: (Whining.) "Do I have too?"
Rex: "Yes. I know, I know, this isn't easy, but do you want to have repeat episodes of Morelli and Mafia Barbie?"
Stephanie: "No."
Rex: "Well you will, if you go soft and make up with Morelli. You've suspected that he was playing with Mafia Barbie all along and now you've got proof."
Stephanie: "The only proof that I have is that they were naked in the living room."
Rex: (Hitting his head.) "That's it. I'm taking you to an ophthalmologist, because you need obviously need glasses. What more do you want? I bit him on his dick. Why would I do that?"
Stephanie: "I'm sorry Rex, it's just that . . . "
Rex: "You're in shock. I get it. But enough already. Who else treats you like Morelli does?
Stephanie: "Only Morelli treats me like Morelli does.
Rex: Does Ranger treat you that way?
Stephanie: (Looking winsome.) Ranger always rescue's me."
Rex: "That's true, Ranger ALWAYS rescues you. And he helps you too."
Stephanie: (Stubbornly.) "That's because I'm entertainment. He said so. He said that I was listed as entertainment on his budget."
Rex: "That's just his sense of humor." (Fingers crossed. I hope.) "He also said that he bleeds money every time you need protected. And what about the endless number of vehicles that he gives you to use?"
Stephanie: "He does that because . . ."
Rex: (Interrupting.) "Because, I don't know, because, he likes you?"
Stephanie: "No, because he loves me, in his own way. What is that?"
Rex: "In his own way, umm. How do you feel about Ranger?"
Stephanie: "I love him too, in my own way."
Rex: "Really and what may I ask is "in your own way?"
Stephanie: "The only way I know how to."
Rex: "Which is?" (I got her going now.)
Stephanie: (weakly) "With my whole heart."
Rex: "You love Ranger with you whole heart. Did you ever love Morelli with your whole heart?"
Stephanie: "No. I never really trusted him."
Rex: "Umm."
Rex: "And is it possible that Ranger loves you in his own way with his whole heart?"
Stephanie: "I don't know. But he has secrets."
Rex: "Secrets, schmecrets, we all have them."
Stephanie: "But, but . . ."
Rex: (interrupting.) "But, but is that you answer for everything. If you love Ranger, truly love him, maybe you should find out if you . . ."
Then there was a knock on the door.
Stephanie went to the door and looked out of the peephole. She slid the safety chain into its slot. There was another knock on the door.
Morelli: (Slightly slurred speech.) "Cupcake, er I mean Stephanie, I know you're in there. I just heard you slide the safety chain into its slot."
Stephanie: (Silence.)
Morelli: "Stephanie, I know you're there. Your car is in the lot. Talk to me! I'll break down this door if I have too."
Stephanie: "Go away!"
Morelli: "Talk to me!"
Stephanie: "I just did. I told you to go away!"
Morelli: "You don't really want me to go away, do you Cupcake?"
Stephanie: "I really do want you to go away, so go."
Morelli: "But Cupcake, I love you, I want us to get married."
Stephanie: "Married! Who's us? Me, you and the Skank."
Morelli: "The Skank's name is Terri. I want to marry you."
Stephanie: "Why? So you can make my life miserable. Why don't you marry the Skank and make her unhappy."
Morelli: "I can't marry Terri. I love you."
Stephanie: "You can't marry the Skank because you love me or because it would look bad if a Trenton cop married Vito Grizolli's niece."
Morelli: "Both, damn it. I mean, I can't marry Terri because I love you."
Stephanie: "Not buying it Morelli, now go away forever."
Morelli: "Cupcake."
Stephanie: "Go away or . . ."
Morelli: (Interrupting.) "Go away or what?"
Stephanie: "Go away or I'll tell your Mom what you did."
Morelli: (Chuckling.) "She wouldn't believe you. I'm her favorite."
Stephanie: "She'll believe me, because you're acting like your father and your brothers."
It was quiet for a moment. Then I heard heavy footsteps. Morelli was leaving, finally.
"Whew, that was too close Rex", Stephanie said shakily to me. "We have to get out of here. He has a key and who knows what he'll do next. We have to find a safe place to stay."
Chapter 7: Rex Goes Home
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That there is only one truly safe place to stay. Would that place be Chez Ranger? Of course, it would. Now Babe think Ranger. Think how safe Rangeman is. Think how happy I would be to be back in Ella's care.
The next thing I knew I was in the POS car and Stephanie was carting me away again. Stephanie was driving around, but going nowhere. Oh Lord, what now? Then I saw a familiar building and we were going into an underground garage. Stephanie took me out of the car, walked to the elevator and pulled out a fob to summon the elevator. Yes, we're at Rangeman.
We had come to Rangemen unannounced before. We came unnannounced during the Slayer thing and recently during the Chipotle episode, so I wasn't worried that we hadn't called ahead.
We went to the seventh floor and Stephanie fobbed the door to the apartment. She walked into the apartment and it appeared to be empty. She placed my cage on counter in the kitchen. I was so excited that I started to sing and dance, "Can't touch this. Can't touch this. Break it down. It's Hamster Time."
Stephanie wandered around the apartment. She came back into the kitchen and said to me, "Looks like the apartment's empty. I wonder if Ranger is working or if he's in the wind. It's hard to tell. Ella keeps this place perfect all the time. Guess we'll find out." Ahh Ella. My little heart went pit-a-pat.
Stephanie went to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water, a sandwich and a grape. She placed the bottle of water and the sandwich on the counter. She fed me the grape and said "We'll be safe here."
Ranger: "Are you sure?"
Stephanie: (Startled.) "Yeesh! Can't you cough when you come in a room, so that I know you're here?"
Ranger: "Babe."
Stephanie: "I know, be more aware of my surroundings."
Ranger: (Nodding.) "What brings you here?"
Stephanie: "Morelli."
Ranger: "Morelli brought you here?"
Stephanie: (Eyes starting to well up with tears.) "Not literally."
Ranger: "Then how?"
Stephanie went on to explain the day's events to Ranger.
Ranger: (Laughing) "The Attack Hamster bit Morelli's penis."
Stephanie: "This is not funny."
Ranger: (Still laughing.) "You're right Babe. This isn't funny. This is hilarious."
Stephanie: "Ranger, my relationship with Morelli has just broken into a million pieces and you're laughing?"
Ranger: "Not at you Babe. At Rex biting Morelli, yes. Your relationship with Morelli has been broken before and you always put it back together."
Stephanie: (Indignant.) "Not this time."
Ranger: "Babe, you have a pattern. Watching you and Morelli is like watching windshield wipers. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth." (He gets it. Do I love this guy, or what?)
Stephanie: "Not this time."
Ranger: "What's different?"
Stephanie: "I realized that I don't love Joe."
Ranger: "You don't love him?"
Stephanie: (Breathlessly.) "No."
Ranger: "Really. How do you know?"
Stephanie: "Rex and I were talking about it."
Ranger: (Incredulously.) "You were discussing Morelli with Rex. Babe."
Stephanie: (Indignantly.) "I discuss everything with Rex. He listens." (Not really, but as long as she thinks I'm listening, we're good.)
Ranger: "And what did you and Rex decide?"
Stephanie: "That I don't love Morelli."
Ranger: (Seductively.) "Umm. I could make you forget him."
Stephanie: "Would you?"
Ranger: (Smiling.) "Yes."
Stephanie: "Umm."
Ranger: "What else did you discuss with Rex?"
Stephanie: "Other stuff."
It was very quiet for a long time, then I heard Stephanie moaning. "Oh God! Oh God! More Ranger more! I love you." And then I think I heard Ranger say, "I love you too Babe."
Later in the night, I heard a tap on my cage and saw Ranger. He dropped a slice of apple into my cage and said "Heard you bit Morelli's dick. Proud of you." And then he walked away. Whoa! Ranger can talk in sentences, albeit short sentences. Who knew.
The next day, I heard bustling around the apartment. I looked around and started dancing with excitement. Ella was in the house. I saw her smiling face and I silently said "Ella! Mommy! I'm home."