Dean and the Hamburger

by WickedRocksSoMuch

In Supernatural Season Eight there was a scene fraught with romantic peril and nail biting suspense. It is of course when Dean first sees and eats that hamburger. This story explores the thoughts of those nearest to the incident. It is of course pure and utter absurdity, which is always the best kind.

Author's Note: Supernatural season eight opener. Tell me nobody else thought this during the scene with the hamburger. I ship them (the burger and Dean).

What actually happened:

Sam and Dean are talking. A hamburger is delivered to their table. Dean stares at it and Sam gives it to him. Dean holds it as though it is sacred. He stares at it like it's made of rainbows and happiness. He eats like it's going out of style.

"It's a burger," Sam says, looking at Dean like he's grown a second head (which had happened before. Twice).

"It's a treasure,"

Dean's thoughts:

I can't believe he didn't take care of Kevin, what was he thinking- My God, that is a beautiful burger he ordered. Didn't have anything like that in purgatory. It's so wonderful, I wonder if he'll eat it all. I might just take it- HE'S GIVING IT TO ME. LIFE. IT TASTES LIKE AWESOME. I COULD MARRY THIS BURGER AND NOT REGRET IT. I THINK SAM IS SAYING SOMETHING BUT I DON'T CARE. THE BURGER AND I ARE HAVING A MOMENT…right, demons, Kevin. Farewell, my love.

Sam's thoughts:

He looks like he hasn't eaten in months. I feel so bad, but what could I have done? It's no use thinking about this. Might as well give him the hamburger, I suppose. He's looking at it weirdly. I wonder what happened to him in purgatory, maybe he's reliving a bad experience…no; he's just really into the burger, really, really into the burger. Man, this is starting to creep me out. He's not listening to what I'm saying either. At the rate he's going I'm going to have a burger as a dinner-in-law. CAN'T GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF MY HEAD. ABORT ABORT ABORT.

The burger's thoughts:

…

(It's a burger. This is Supernatural, not the Muppets. Food doesn't have thoughts.)

THIS JUST IN: In a surprise alternate ending, the writers of Supernatural have decided to make the burger a reoccurring character. It will appear as love interest of Dean's and then be eaten/attacked/possessed by demons or die and unrelated death. The fandom assumes this is to fill in for the lack of Cas as Dean's love interest. The burger has no comment at this time.