The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is inside something squishy. I wanted to do something fun and fluffy and silly. And what better way to do that is to take on the latest fad flooding the market?
Attack Of The Squishy Wishys
"Here comes Cookie the Cow!" Pam cheered happily. She was playing with a soft squishy toy. "Coming in first in the race!"
"No here comes Happy Horsie!" AJ cheered. "Horsie!"
"Neiggghhhhh!" Ray neighed as he played with the toy horse.
"Moooooo!" Pam said.
"Hey don't forget Peter Pig!" Krieger said. He had a toy of his own.
"Mommy! Mommy! The race!" AJ cheered.
"Yes, AJ I see the race," Lana said.
"And now we're gonna have a dance party!" Ray said.
"YAAAAYYYY!" AJ and Pam cheered.
"Okay!" Cyril walked into the bullpen. "We seriously need some boundaries around here."
The majority of the Figgis Agency was in the bullpen on the floor. Dozens of soft squishy toys were everywhere as well as some playsets. "Lana, I don't mind AJ coming here," Cyril sighed. "What I do mind is you lot turning my agency into Toyland."
Cheryl was sitting behind a desk filled with soft squishy toys. "No! This is Cheryl-Topia! And I am Queen Cherylene and none of my Squishies are going anywhere! HA HA HA!"
She started stacking books in front of the toys. "See this is the wall I'm making and they won't get out and you can't take them because they are behind this big beautiful wall!"
"Who are you?" Pam asked. "Walter Ulbricht?"
"More like U.S.S.R Crazy," Ray remarked.
"My Squishies!" Cheryl snapped. She pulled out a glue bottle. "I'm gonna have a party with them all by myself so there!"
"Cheryl, we have talked about this!" Lana warned. "You know better than to do certain things in front of AJ! I don't want her picking up your bad habits!"
"Well I don't care!" Cheryl stuck out her tongue.
Cyril looked at the scene before him. "I should just open up a day care. I don't know why I don't. Most of the people here already act like children. Can't be any worse than real ones!"
"Hey!" Cheryl snapped as Lana took her bottle of glue. "My bottle! Cyril, she took my bottle! Give me back my bottle!"
"You'll get the glue back when you know how to use it properly!" Lana snapped. "AJ what should we not do with glue?"
"Don't eat it or…or sniff it," AJ said. "Because it's bad for you."
"See what I mean?" Cyril pointed. "Real children act more mature than you people!"
"Nuh uh!" Cheryl pouted.
"I have a couple questions," Mallory spoke up. She walked into the bullpen. "First…Why is my granddaughter not in school?"
"Teacher assessment day," Lana said.
"Again?" Mallory was stunned. "It seems like these teachers take a day off every other week! Sterling was never out of school this much even on those occasions when he was expelled!"
"I've noticed that," Pam said. "Ever go to a mall during a school week and no matter which day you go…? Or what time you go. It always seems like there's a herd of kids roaming around when they should be in school. Like early. Around eleven in the morning."
"I've seen that too," Ray admitted.
"I've seen them bring kids into malls on field trips," Cyril admitted.
"Seriously?" Mallory was stunned. "This is a thing now?"
"That is a thing now," Lana admitted.
"I guess you can only show the kids the same old museums, planetariums and zoos so many times," Krieger shrugged.
"I suppose I can see the point," Mallory sighed. "Since half of the students of today will probably end up as checkout clerks. Or stocking shelves."
"Not as many as you think," Ray said. "If the retail industry keeps tanking the way it is."
"I wish my school had field trips at the mall," Cheryl sighed. "But no! We had to go to the dumb old Museum of Art and super boring stupid Shakespeare plays. The trip to the Empire State building was okay. Until I ran out of pennies."
Cyril looked at her. "Really?"
Chery nodded. "Then the next day I got called into the principal's office and got yelled at by some lawyer. I don't even know what the fuss was about. It's not like anyone died! You know you can't kill a person by throwing a penny off the Empire State building? That whole penny thing is a myth. A concussion yeah but…"
"I knew that," Krieger nodded. "Tried that experiment a couple of times. Turns out they really don't like it. That's when they started putting up that mesh fence."
Lana sighed. "Reason Number 15 on why we were banned from every major monument and landmark in New York City."
"My second question…What fresh hell is this?" Mallory looked around. "It looks like Carol's glue induced fantasies exploded."
"It's the latest toy fad," Lana explained. "Squishy Wishys. AJ loves them."
"Squishy…Wishys?" Mallory blinked.
"Spelled with a Y at the end," Pam spoke up. "Not ies. We've checked."
Mallory was stunned. "What on God's green Earth is a Squishy Wishy?"
"Squishy Wishy!" AJ chirped. "Gamma…Squishy Wishys come from Squishy Land and they are all kinds of animals and they are soft and squishy and they live behind a magical rainbow and they are so cute and I love them. I love them because they are so squishy."
Mallory looked at Lana. "You know the scariest thing about that? What AJ said to me just now made more sense than more than half of the things you idiots have said to me in years!"
"I told you," Lana sighed. "AJ loves them."
"I AM THE QUEEN OF SQUISHY LAND!" Cheryl cackled from behind her desk. "HA HA HA!"
"And of course, so does Cheryl," Lana sighed. "And…"
"I can't help it!" Ray protested. "They're so soft and squishy."
"They are good for stress relief," Pam admitted.
"In case you haven't figured it out," Lana pointed to Pam and Ray. "This is where AJ gets most of her collection."
"She can't have any of mine!" Cheryl shouted as she held some of hers close. "Mine! All mine! HA HA HA HA!"
"And I thought that spinning thing was stupid," Mallory groaned.
"Well they are rather cute," Lana said. "And this brand is hypo allergenic and doesn't break apart so they are safe for AJ."
"There's more than one kind of squishy…Whatever they are?" Mallory asked.
"Oh yes," Pam nodded. "Several brands. And quite a few knockoffs actually."
"I think Squishy Wishys are the best!" AJ cheered as she played with her toys.
"You can't get hurt with these things," Cheryl remarked. She then threw a toy at Mallory's head. "See?"
Mallory glared at her and picked it up. "Oh really? How about if I shove this thing so far down your throat…?"
"Mallory no!" Cyril shouted. "We need her! Remember? Only client that's paying us?"
Mallory glared at a giggling Cheryl. "One of these days you little glue sniffing troll…That will not save you! And when it does…" Mallory squeezed the toy. "What the hell is this thing made of? It feels like plastic dough!"
"You've never held one of those stress reliever balls before?" Ray asked.
"I don't take stress!" Mallory sniffed. "I give it!"
"That's true," Pam agreed.
"It feels really weird," Mallory looked at the object in her hand. "So, you just squeeze it in your hand and it what? Just stays flat?"
"No," Lana looked at the object. "It doesn't. Well at least they usually don't."
"That's the first time I've ever seen one return its shape as slow as this one," Ray blinked.
Cyril blinked. "Actually, I think this one might be permanently squished."
"After one squeeze?" Pam blinked. "Even the defective ones take longer than that to break!"
"Mallory," Lana said as she took the destroyed toy away. "Something tells me that you might be more stressed out than you think."
"Why would she be stressed?" Cheryl asked. The adults glared at her. "Oh right. Her son is in a coma and her life sucks."
"I have to ask," Mallory sighed. "Even though I have a feeling I just opened myself up as a witness for the prosecution…Where did you idiots get the money for all of these?"
"Some of these are from toy stores going out of business," Pam admitted. "The rest…Sort of fell off the back of a truck."
"What did you do?" Cyril shouted.
"Trust me Cyril," Lana sighed. "The less you know about this the better."
"You knew about this?" Mallory looked at Lana.
"Kind of hard not to when your friends roll a crate full of toys and clothes into your living room," Lana said. "Don't look at me like that. I have a budget to stretch."
"It's not like she hasn't stolen worse!" Cheryl snickered as she pointed to AJ. AJ fortunately wasn't paying attention. She was happily playing with her toys.
"We've all stolen worse," Ray gave Mallory a look.
"I wasn't judging," Mallory protested. "I was just surprised that Ms. Morality gave in so fast."
"You're not the only one who's stressed!" Lana snapped.
That's when they heard some squeezing sounds. Everyone looked at Cyril who was squeezing one of the toys. "I LIKE THE OWL OKAY?" Cyril snapped.
"I was talking about me," Lana rolled her eyes. "But fine Cyril. Let's focus on you and your problems."
"To be fair," Ray said. "There are a lot of them."
Cyril fidgeted. "Plus, it's technically a stress reliever so…"
"I have cow one," Pam said. "And a dolphin one. And a pink unicorn one."
"Me too!" Ray said. "Well the pink unicorn. And a pink kitty cat."
"What a shock," Mallory said dryly.
"And I like this green pig here!" Krieger held up a green pig toy.
"Krieger…" Cheryl said. "They don't have a green pig. Is that a different brand?"
"Yes!" Krieger grinned. "My own! I call him Piggly Krieger!"
"Another shocking revelation," Mallory said dryly.
"You're going to try and cash in on this aren't you?" Lana groaned. "Oh God! Is that thing radioactive?"
"It's not radioactive!" Krieger shouted. "I promise! It's perfectly safe for children!"
"Krieger your inventions aren't safe for the United States Marines," Ray protested. "Much less children!"
"This doesn't move or shoot lasers out of its eyes or anything like that does it?" Cyril asked.
"No! Why would you ask me something like that?" Krieger asked.
"Experience," Cyril told him.
"This is just a regular soft squishy toy," Krieger said. He squeezed it. "See? Nothing!"
"I don't know…" Lana paused as she picked up AJ.
"I need a drink," Pam got up and went to the break room.
"This is just a harmless prototype," Krieger said.
"HOLY SQUISH SNACKS!" Pam shouted.
"The real thing is stuck in the hallway to the breakroom," Krieger admitted.
"Stuck?" Lana, Ray and Cyril asked at the same time.
"GUYS YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!" Pam shouted.
Everyone ran to the hallway. Stuck in the hallway was a green pig toy the size of a Corvette. "Yeah I may have overestimated how much it gives between walls…" Krieger coughed.
"You made a giant squishy?" Cyril shouted.
"That's how we separate ourselves from the others!" Krieger said. "Once I figure out the packaging it will be easy! And the shipping and handling. But you got to figure those charges alone for one squishy would be insane!"
"Insane is the perfect word I would use to describe this!" Ray shouted.
"Squishy!" AJ squirmed out of her mother's arms and ran to the toy. She squeezed the snout. "Squishy!"
"See?" Krieger pointed. "She loves it! I think we have a real winner here."
"That's it," Mallory did an about face and started to leave. "I'm done!"
"What are we supposed to do with this thing?" Cyril shouted.
"Turn it into plastic bacon for all I care!" Mallory shouted as she left.
"I guess we'd better get it back into my lab," Krieger sighed. "On the bright side, AJ has a new toy to play with if she ever goes into my lab again."
"That is never going to happen!" Lana barked.
"Squishy!" AJ giggled as she climbed on it.
"I wanna climb on it too!" Cheryl said as she went to do so.
"We're gonna need the Jaws of Life on this one," Pam remarked.
"That's gonna scuff up the walls," Ray admitted.
"Cheryl! AJ no! Come down from that!" Lana warned.
"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl shouted.
"YEAH!" AJ cheered.
"YES, I AM!" Lana shouted. "Well I am AJ's mother. So…AJ! STOP BOUNCING ON IT!"
"There goes part of the wall," Krieger remarked. "Nothing a little plaster can't handle. Right Cyril? Cyril?"
Cyril stood there squeezing a little owl. "You're the only one who gets me Ollie Owl…"