Disclaimer: I don't own. Nuff said.
Trigger warning, mention of self harm and suicide.
:}
"Beck, it's Tori." The Latina said over the phone. "Look, last night's party was fun, but I'm not going to be able to hang out today." She inhaled slowly, trying not to let her nervousness get in the way. "I'm visiting Jade."
"Tori, you don't have to do this." Beck said, already knowing Tori wouldn't be talked out of this. "Nothing good is going to come from this." He said, once again, despite her not listening to him. "Jade's angry, she's been avoiding us. But it's not our fault. She did this to herself. You don't have to put yourself through this."
"It's my fault she didn't graduate with us yesterday." Tori tried to explain. "I just, I feel she deserves an apology."
"Tori, it's not your fault." Beck tried, again. "If anything, you're the last person to blame. She did this herself. You had nothing to do with it. Don't torture yourself. Nothing good can come from this visit."
"I have to." Tori said, her voice finding it's conviction. "You don't have to come."
"I think I'll call Cat." Beck replied. "Let her know what you're doing."
"She still angry at Jade?" Tori asked.
"Won't even mention her name." The Canadian replied. "Tori, just be careful. Don't..."
"She can't hurt me." The singer replied.
"She can, just not directly." He said. "In fact, I worry that just going is going to open wounds."
Tori hung up, not caring that she forgot to say goodbye, and saw Trina standing next to the door. "Need some company?" The older girl asked.
"I think I should do this alone." Tori told her. "But thanks."
"He's wrong, you know." Trina said. She didn't need to explain how she knew what Beck had said, because both Tori's intent, and the Canadians opinion of what Tori wanted to do, were well known to the older Vega girl. "Hot, but so wrong. You might just get some closure out of this. Realize this isn't your fault, and let go."
"But it is." Tori insisted. "Because if I hadn't been so needy, she wouldn't have..."
"TORI!" Trina cut her off. "Go! Do what youi feel you must. Just remember, I'm only a phone call away. Call me if you need anything." The older girl stepped closer to look her sister square in the eyes. "Anything."
"I will, and thanks Trina." She hesitated. "I love you."
"You'll be back?" The older girl asked.
"Jade can't hurt me." Tori said.
"No, she can." Trina reminded her. "Sometimes, you don't have to even touch someone to leave deep, festering wounds. Just, I get it. Go, and then, come back."
With a nod, Tori walked to her car. It was a graduation gift from her parents, even if they owed her a car for agreeing to take Trina with her to Yerba. Tori had only recently gotten her license. It'd taken training with her dad, both for the written and the driving part, until she knew every rule backwards and forwards. She'd ignored going to the beach or other weekend outings with her friends just to study, until she was ready. Now, without a feeling of pride or accomplishment, she drove carefully towards Jade, and the confrontation four weeks in the making.
Tori remembered that day. She was up for some part in a TV show, a walk on that she didn't get because some ex Dingo channel starlet was available, and they loved the stunt casting. But the day before the audition, she'd had everyone helping her. Everyone but Cat and Jade. Cat had gone to San Diego for a special babysitting gig, while Jade wasn't invited.
Beck had was running lines with her, helping her figure out how to be the aggressive sex kitten the script called for. Andre and Robbie, or more specifically Rex, were also there, critiquing, helping her find the attitude she'd need for the part. She remembered how, around nine at night, the calls had started. Jade called Beck, who ignored her. "She knows we're rehearsing." He'd said. "I'll catch her later."
But Jade didn't just call once. She called multiple times, and sent him several texts. Beck didn't bother to read any of them. "Jade's always in some kind of drama." He explained. But this felt different. The pale girl wasn't acting like herself, and Tori was starting to notice it. Normally, Jade wouldn't call over and over. She called once, maybe twice, then would stalk you if you didn't answer.
Soon, Jade had started calling and texting the others. Andre ignored her, mostly because he didn't want to be dragged into whatever drama she was into. Robbie, he ignored her because of Rex, who made fun of him for even thinking of calling the goth. And Tori, she ignored Jade because "The last thing you need is her messing with your mind right before the audition." As Beck explained.
"Besides, you got this audition through Sikowitz, so she's probably up for the part too." Rex added. "Bet this is sabotage."
Tori reluctantly agreed, despite feeling wrong about ignoring the girl. Yea, that does sound like her." Tori replied. But she had to hold onto that thought, to keep herself from wanting to call, just to be sure. 'This is the kind of thing she'd do.' She thought, over and over. 'Jade's big into sabotage.' The singer braced herself for the inevitable invasion by the irate goth, who want known for her subtlety, but still sometimes liked to make an entrance.
Naturally, they were all kinda surprised when Jade hadn't burst in by ten o'clock that evening, when Robbie had to go home and get to bed. "I was really expecting her." the nerdy boy said as he headed out the door.
"Tori, let the drama go, so you can focus on the audition. I mean, this is huge. The calls, just Jade trying to mess with you. Probably up for the part herself, and wants to cut down on the competition. You'll see, in a few days, Jade will be sitting at the lunch table, complaining about how they chose you over her." Beck told her. "I recommend you get to bed early, get plenty of sleep, and tomorrow, bring your A game. They're gonna wanna see all the emotion we'd spent hours working on. So go, stay focused on your audition."
"Sure, will do." Tori agreed. Then, softer, to herself, she added "I'll just clear all this stuff, my messages and texts and everything, tomorrow, after the audition. I mean, it's like Beck said, just drama. At worst, it's the normal drama Jade seems to attract into her life. I'll bet thats what it is, cause I think, maybe, we're friends now, and I'd hate to think she was trying to sabotage me...' Tori took a deep breath to cleans her mind. 'I'll bet it's just the normal drama.' She told herself again. 'Even if this is nothing like her. I mean, calling all of us? That's some serious commitment to the part.'
The next day, Tori went to her audition, and as usual, did fairly well. Her hard work paid off, with her coming across as a seductress as opposed to her normal dorky self. After the audition, while waiting for Trina to come pick her up, she decided not to ruin her moment by plunging into Jade's drama, instead walked to a nearby cafe for something to eat. Trina was late, as usual. But Tori took it all in strides. They shared a moment at the cafe, then headed home to enjoy the rest of the day, talking about the various things two sisters can talk about, but because Trina hadn't been helping with the audition, the subject of Jade hadn't come up.
Once home, Trina asked "So, what'd Jade want last night?"
"How'd you know she called me?" Toiri asked.
"She called me, so I figured she was calling everyone." Trina said with a shrug.
"She called you?" Tori asked.
"Yea, but my phone was off." The elder sister said. "She left a message, something I couldn't understand. I think she was crying."
Tori shrugged. 'Jade likes playing with peoples emotions.' The singer told herself. Then, with a sigh, she mentally added 'Still, if were gonna be friends, I should probably call her, let her know how I did in the audition.' Tori pulled out her phone, intent on calling the sometimes evil girl. Seconds later, she'd hit speed dial, and it was too late to back out.
The call went directly to voice mail. "Her phones off." Tori said. "Oh well, I might as well listen to the messages."
Tori was reluctant to listen t whatever mind games the pale girl might have recorded, so she decied to read the text messages first. 'After all, it's hardder to use emotional manipulation in a text.' She reasoned.
Jade had sent her four text's, spread over the early part of the evening. "Tori, if Beck's there, please just have him call me." Then "Tori, please call me." Then "Tori, if you ever liked me, please just let me know. Text, call, whatever. Please, I need someone to tell me they like me." Then finally "Please, I was suspended, they're kicking me out of Hollywood arts. Someone, I just need someone to tell me it'll be all right."
Tori was in shock, with the last message being sobering to the point of despair. Tori thought abort the rumors she'd heard. 'Sanders, he wanted to talk to Jade about her play. I remember that. I suspect they may have had an argument, cause he never was a fan of her work. Besides, it's a series of monologues, dramatic readings.' Her mind raced, trying to remember anything else. 'There a series of monologues about peoples thoughts as they give up, stop trying, and let the darkness win. MY god, the speeches, they're from a series of people losing it all, giving up… They're about...' She refused to think about it any more, even as she was checking the voice mails, most of which had come after the text messages.
Tori's thoughts were getting racing, trying to sort things out before she was able to stop them. Her hands worked her phone, to find the voice mails, usually such an easy task. 'Okay, She had a meeting with Sanders. I know now that things went bad, she got suspended. I suspect Jade got angry, cause this was personal to her.' Tori thought, even as her hands shook. The messages were being pulled up, and Tori wasn't sure she felt strong enough to deal with whatever they said. Still, in the midst of a dark hope that this was still just a sick prank being pulled by the often morbid girl, Tori pushed on. 'And Sanders never was her biggest supporter, so they had a lot of animosity. I mean, she could well have hit him, or threatened him with her scissors. Lord knows, she hates it when they tell her no, but she was already approved. She had permission to put this one on. Of course, they suspended her, and so I'm guessing she threatened a lot more people then just Sanders...'
The first voice mail said "Please, someone, anyone, just call me. Why isn't anyone responding to my texts, or my messages? Why won't Beck call me?" The second one was hard to understand, with Jade sounding like she was crying to the point of almost mumbling as she said "Tori, I-I'm in a dark place. I'm losing everything. Everything I've worked so hard for. Please, call me. I just want to know you like me, that I haven't driven everyone away... Please call me."
Tori was shaking as she opened the third voice mail. This time, Jade's voice was deadly calm, a little shaky, but not the near hysterical of the second message. "Tori, I know you'll never forgive me, but I... I just wanted you to know I was sorry. Small consolation, I suppose, but please, let Beck know... It's okay for him to date you. I-I'm so sorry for how I treated you. I understand now, it was me. It was always me...' That was the last thing Jade sent her, and it made Tori's blood run cold.
"Beck, call me." Tori said over the phone, only marginally aware she'd called the handsome boy. "Somethings wrong with Jade..."
Tori remembered how things went from there. 'Sanders, he had a lot of explaining to do… I recall, it was him who wanted Jade's play scrubbed...',
Tori reached her destination, and parked her car. It was a sunny day. She wanted to walk among the trees, maybe enjoy sunshine, the freshish air, and the view. "No, that just distracts from my mission." She said, surprising herself when she heard it. It was supposed to be a thought.
She found Jade quickly enough. "You're play was a hit." She opened, looking down at the grave. "They really loved it. It was dark, but that kind of subject always is... It's just, you didn't have to do this."
Tori took a shaky breath. "Sanders had a lot of explaining to do. See, it wasn't his job to cancel your play. But you know how he was, always arguing we shouldn't be putting on anything dark. I get it, we're kids. It's like, in the eighties, there were a series of movies and plays written about what it's really like to be a kid, thirteen or fourteen, or whatever, and the movies they made, rated R, cause no kind should see those movies about what they were really doing."
Tori smiled. "Sorry, getting distracted. The janitor, he told us that Derek had been asked to be at your meeting, just in case things got harry. I get that, considering your temper. But, Sanders told Derek not to bother, that he didn't need security. That was the first red flag that Sanders was about to go outside the rules. Cause you know, teachers word verses a students, the teacher usually wins." Tori felt he smile fading, so made a joke. "And you thought the janitor didn't like you..."
"Derek wasn't gonna leave Sanders unprotected, so he stood just outside the door." Tori explained. "Thats why he showed up so quickly when you got mad and started screaming.. Why he was ready to stop you from hurting people. It's also why we know you threatened Helen, for canceling your play after promising you a chance. Of course, Sanders lied. Those words, him telling you that your play was only a kid 'venting stuff', that was all him shifting the blame, and trying to get you to react so he could punish you, cause he never liked your work. Sanders was always voting against your performances, cause you know, family values."
"You know why they put on your play? Dickers told us, it was never supposed to be canceled. No, Helen wanted it put on. Turns out, what she wanted Sanders to talk to you about was a small rewrite, where you'd turn it from a one person performance to a multi person performance. Let others have their chance to interpret your work. Helen believed that, if we had several people doing monologues, personalizing them, learning how those people felt, it would give the play breath, as well as making the whole thing better. Helen wanted to see what her students could do with your work. And she did, cause we did your play. We got standing ovations for your work, and you weren't there to see it." A tear threatened to fall, so Tori too a moment to center herself. 'Getting lost here. Need to finish, apologize...'
The Latina studied the grave. "I'm guessing we know now why your work was so dark, right? Too bad Sanders never realized what you were trying to say. I, personally, I learned so much about you, just doing one performance." Tori said, her own voice quiet, above a whisper.. It grew stronger as she said the next part."Sanders overstepped his bounds, and we'll find out just what kind of punishment he's gonna get. Rumor has it, next year, he's gonna be teaching drama at one of the other schools. Helen doesn't like it when teachers go rogue on her, start lying about what she said just to control things that a comity had already decided on, just because they don't agree with that decision."
"The gangs not too happy about this..." She shifted subjects, to continue to fill the writer in. "No one likes how it turned out. Some are coping better then others, and others aren't coping at all. Like Beck. You see, he's convinced himself you broke up with him and are moving away, alive but avoiding us. He thinks this talk, it's being done face to face, possibly at the airport. Boy's in denial."
Tori inhaled, forcing herself to continue. "The others aren't doing much better. Cat hates you for this, cause she's, well, she's hurting, and doesn't know how to react, and hate, anger, it's just so easy to live in those emotions. Like Robbie is, only he's internalized that hate. He hates himself more then ever. You wouldn't believe the way Rex picks at him now. It's back to the kind of little hurts that makes me worry that he might try something stupid, or dangerous, or lethal." Her voice got small. "Like you did..."
Tori felt the tears once again marshaling, but was determined to get through this. "Andre, he's probably doing the best out of all of us. He's devastated, of course, but mostly because he was the one who found the body..." The thoughts grew darker. "You're body..." Tori couldn't go on. Her best friend had been in therapy ever since. He was so quiet now, a shadow of his former self. Therapy takes time, and while he was getting help, it was too early to see if he'd ever get over what he found in Jade's room.
"Of course, when you were calling around, we had no idea what had happened, or how alone you were. I mean, we knew about your meeting with mister Sanders, after school. We had no idea what was gonna happen, but we knew about the meeting. What we didn't know, so much we didn't know... Like how your mother wasn't there. I know, you're kinda used to your parents ignoring you, but that day, you were alone. Your mom, it turns out, was off with her new boyfriend. Guy was trying to be nice, accepting of your family, your brother, so he offered take the family camping., You, of course, didn't go, cause, as you used to say, 'nature sucks.' So like you. I wish you'd gone, cause then, maybe, you'd still be alive..."
Tori had to keep going. 'If I stop, I won't be able to finish, and she deserves that much...' She forced words out on shaky breaths. "Your dad, he's not too happy about this either, though he's as cold as he ever was. Kinda makes your play, 'Well wishes', feel wrong, cause in that, the dad was openly shattered by the loss of his child, and your dad, he's all 'Stiff upper lip.' Man needs to cry." Tori shook her head. "He was off on the second honeymoon, with his new trophy wife, and wasn't anywhere he could be contacted, so..." Her voice faded, and for a second, it sounded like she was done. "No one should leave their child in the morgue that long. Lane had to identify the body. I'm sorry, but your parents..." She stiffed her sob.
"No one knew, did they? No one knew how personal this play was. That every monologue was you trying to explain how close to the edge you'd come. That the loneliness, the fear, the despair, had been earting away at you. I mean, we're teens. We have doubts, fear, and they sometimes get to us. I just… Beck never understood that he was your safety net, the boy so hot that every girl wanted him. The proof that your dad was wrong, and you were lovable, desirable. When he broke up with you, stopped taking your calls, it hurt. Having read through the play, that series of speeches, I can see how full of your own insecurities you were. But you kept fighting, kept writing, up until you were on the verge of losing it all. Then, when you felt you'd lost, that your play, this thing that was as much a part of you as your own skin, wasn't good enough, you were spiraling, and we weren't there for you..."
Tori took another moment to cry, letting herself feel the pain of loss, mourning the friend who was gone, taken by her own fears and doubts, her nightmare seeming to be coming true.
After another few minutes, Tori continued. "This play, it was so intimate. A real view into your head, and your heart, and the pain you'd endured. I just wish you could have written about this," she gestured towards the grave, "instead of taking your life."
Tori gulped. "Sanders claimed you attacked him. Derek, he said Sanders dismissed him, claimed he wouldn't need security. Getting suspended, kicked out, being told you weren't any good, that your work would never been seen, when it was the only way you could think of to be seen. I get it now. Jade, I totally get it. You were lost, and we weren't there. I wish, god I wish we'd just answered the phone, or one of your texts. God, Jade, I wish you were here, talking to me, so I could tell you how special you were, or how close to you I felt after reading your play."
Tori hung her head. "The worst part is, I didn't even get the part. It was always going to Terry, from Totally Terry." A dark smile crossed her face. "Not that losing the part was the worst, cause I'd trade that part, an a dozen like it, to have you here. No, it's… It's that, we ignored you so everyone could work on my audition, and despite you basically dying cause no one was willing to so much as answer the phone, I still didn't get the part. We paid such a high price, and I guess, the lesson, that's what we should take." Tori was now crying almost uncontrollably, like the way Jade was in the second call she'd made to Tori. "I wish I was there, to hold your hand, tell you that you could bounce back, get over it. Even if they kicked you out of school, which they'd never do, you were so talented, and you just needed a friend..." The Latina wasn't making sense any more, just crying.
Tori cried at the grave, and for the second time allowed herself to feel the full depth of her pain at the loss of Jade. It was like the day she'd found out what the goth had done. Told how the girl she wanted to think of as a fiend had died, stabbed in the stomach with her own scissors, bleeding to death slowly, probably in constant pain. Tori continued to cry, wishing to heaven above that she'd just answered the phone, that one time.
/
Jade was crying, again, as she finished writing the short play. The flashback sequence was nice, but she felt it was missing something. "Tori, I have you crying at my grave. I know I'm missing something, but not sure what?"
Tori, who was laying on Jade's bed, asked "Beck?"
"Living in denial, refusing to believe I ended my life. He thinks I broke up with him and so now he's avoiding me." The goth explained. She could har the soft patter of the singers steps as Tori approached.
Tori glanced over her shoulder. "I think the problem is it's not a monologue."
"Didn't feel right writing this one as a monologue." The goth replied. Her had ghosted over the scar on her stomach. "Maybe I should have done more with Trina?" She asked.
"What'd you do?" Tori asked.
"Her phone was off, and she didn't care." Jade explained.
"Unlike what happened, where she checked her messages, heard the state you were in, and called the police?" Tori asked. "You still missed graduation."
"I graduated." Jade replied. "With my class. I just wasn't there. Not with being locked up, and the therapy and all."
"Jade, they committed you until they believed you weren't going to try and take your life again." Tori said, putting her hands around the girl. After the attempt, Jade's play was performed, and was a big hit, just like in the story. Beck, Cat, Andre, Cat and even Tori each did a monologue, each using the desperation they'd felt during the two days they waited for Jade to wake up from her coma, as well as the fear and hurt that maybe, if they'd just done something, Jade wouldn't have come so close to death, as a tool to fuel their performance. But Tori hadn't waited to talk to the pale girl. She, Beck, all of them visited as often as allowed. And while Beck realized his failure to see how desperate Jade was meant something, that he wasn't as in tune with her as he'd thought, Tori and Jade found themselves growing closer. Eventually, Tori gave up on fighting it, and started dating the goth, who somehow never realized they were a coupe until they slept together.
The part about the license was true. Two days after graduation, they released jade from the hospital, and Tori picked Jade up in her new car. Cat had been angry, hurt that her friend hadn't tried to contact her, even though knew she would lose a valuable client if she did, and tied to respect that. However, Cat forgave her after doing the play, reading the monologue she'd been given, about the loss of a best friend to someone better. Armed with the insight she'd gained from reciting her chosen monologue, Cat understood the desperation the goth had been feeling, the need to be loved and the assumption that someone like her was beyond real love.
In fact, all her Friends understood the feelings jade had been dealing with, so they used the release from the hospital to give Jade her graduation, and show her she was at least cared about. Beck had snagged her diploma, and they got Sikwoitz to give the address. Dickers surprised everyone by agreeing to officiate. And after Jade gave her valedictorian speech, the one she couldn't give at Hollywood Arts due to being in the hospital, they rolled her down the walk to the car, cause she was still in a wheelchair, gave her the diploma stand-in, (Cause you never get the real thing at graduation, it's mailed to you after), and then helped her into Tori's car. Later they celebrated, enjoying their new status as high school graduates, and that the last of them had returned to the fold.. Then, months later, after it was far enough in the past for her to think clearly about it, Jade finally took her notes and tried to turn the last attempt into a monologue.
It took her a couple of years, because of how painful the material was. She had to work slowly, getting it all out. Old pains mixed together, allowing her insight to her own issues, helping her with her therapy, but she got it out. Now, she felt like maybe the play was almost done. It just needed something. Something to complete the lesson Jade suspected she was trying to share.
The pale girl looked over her work, one more time. The play, as it now stood, was the results of her need to share, to reach out, to be seen. It was also her sharing her pain, letting it out to stop consuming her, and it worked, because Jade felt a lot better, even as she looked over at Tori, wondering how life could turn around like it had. 'My god, am I happy?" She wondered, even as she enjoyed the momentary release of all the pain this play represented.
:}
This was sitting on my computer, taking up memory, fr a while now. Guess I had let it age long enough, cause I found the way I wanted to edit it, and now, I'm happy enough to post. So, two things. One, suicide is not the answer, and two, review.