A/N: Many years ago there were some comedy bits syndicated around the country on various morning radio shows called "The Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movies". It showcased a caricature of Charlton Heston being overwrought for no particular reason with an everyday event. They followed a usual formula, where he has to save the day from a problem that only exists in his head. They usually involved a secondary person trying (and failing) to set him straight, whom Chuck chastises in a threatening, sexual manner. The intro and outro was done by someone using a 'movie trailer' voice. After hearing two or three examples just about anyone could come up with one. Quite a few of these short audio bits were made.

But maybe not enough.

So a person who shall remain nameless (ahem) decided to write a few more. Good luck trying to find the original bits now, I think most have disappeared as time has marched on. But these are posted in tribute to the original works, and are broken down into groups so you can bail out if you get bored. Remember, these were written almost twenty years ago and probably haven't aged that well. The call letters of the radio station, now defunct, have been changed to protect the innocent.

Regardless, it's probably the most tasteless thing you'll see me write (and that's saying something).

The Lost Chuck Heston Mini Disaster Movies

Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as another day in the audience until suddenly...

Damn! I've forgotten to convey my congratulations to KOLD on their ninth anniversary. Quickly! Load my trusty rifle for a 21-gun salute.

Actually Chuck, that's a broom-vac...

Silence you flatulent excuse for a mime! I'm an expert marksman-don't force me to set my sights on your ass!

Yes sir...(tinkering)

That's it! All right, let me aim and pull the trigger...(sound of vacuum activating)...AH, its sucking out my eye!

Annie Oakley, Will Rogers, Roy Rogers, Roy Clark and Johnnie LongBarrel star in "Dante's Clean Shot". Be there!

...

Today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie-it began as another day in the lab until suddenly...

Damn! This boombox only picks up Kenny G songs. I've got to somehow get it to tune into KOLD. Quickly! Weld my hand to the antennae to increase the reception.

Actually Chuck, you hit the play CD button. The radio switch is...

Silence you introverted existentialist! I used to tour with AC/DC. Don't force me to give you my rendition of "Big Balls"!

Yes sir. (sounds of arcing...)

That's it! Increase my range...I think I'm picking up something and it doesn't smell like teen spirit! Eeeiiiiiiii...

Alan Freed, Alan Arkin, Alan Arbus and a special guest to be named later star in..."Dante's Frequency". Be there!

...

Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as just another day on the interstate until suddenly...

Damn! I stick out like a sore thumb down here in the pits. I've got to somehow blend in with the crowd. Quickly! Rub motor oil on me, knock out a few teeth and shove some chewing tobacco in my mouth.

Actually Chuck, this is a freeway. The track...

Silence you unfrocked race queen! I drove the pace car at the Daytona 500. Don't force me to take a victory lap around your ass!

Yes sir...(disgusting squishing and chewing sounds)...

That's it...I'm starting to feel at home...get me to a TV, I need to watch the Grand Ol' Opry!

Bobby Labonte, Terry Labonte and a half-dozen guys named Jeff star in-"Dante's Kingsbury Dry Lite Ice Malt Liquor Summer Speed Spectacular 400." Be there!

...

Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie, it began as another day in the office until suddenly...

Damn! I forgot it was Helen Keller's birthday. I've got to somehow show my awareness and understanding of her condition. Quickly! Shove me into this sensory deprivation tank.

Actually Chuck, that's a telephone booth. We don't have a...

Silence you festering blister of moronity! I was the US Party Game champion three years running. Don't force me to pin-the-tail on your ass!

Yes sir...(scuffling sounds)...I'm duct-taping the door shut...

That's it! I'm cut off from the world. I can't hear anything...(telephone ringing)...wait, oh how could she stand this incessant ringing in her ears? Argggg!

Ray Charles, Prince Charles, Marlee Matlin and the refs from last week's football game star in..."Dante's Blackout". Be there!