Everyone has read at least one of these before. As one scans through the fanfiction archives, bored out of their mind, they come across a seemingly harmless high school fic. It's been a while since one has read such monstrosity and one's memory has obviously dulled considerably. One has the displeasure of reading it, shaking one's head, and wondering why on earth such garbage exists.
It is my sincerest pleasure to present to you a parody of such stories. Sarcasm is needed to keep your sanity. Enjoy.
Sakura Haruno stood facing her shiny new school. If shiny and new were to proper words to describe the dump. She shook her head giddily in anticipation of her first day at a new school. She had promised her self that this time it would be different, this time she would make friends, skip through flowers, and go on extensive shopping trips.
She was the kind of girl that everyone loved to hate. In fact, every person she had come in contact with for the past sixteen years of her life had done nothing but hate her. She was bullied from the time she was a two year old toddler on the playground. Of course that had been when her parents were still alive. Now they were about fourteen years worth of rotten, and spent their time chilling out six feet underground after some punk ass drunk driver decided to plow into civilians. Sakura hated punk ass drunk drivers.
She had been put into a pathetic little orphanage resembling a wooden shack. Obviously none of the children there were ever particularly nice to her. Maybe it was their repulsion for her pink hair, she would never know. But the thing that seemed to irritate her bullies so much was her personality.
The little girl wound never stop smiling or acting cheery. Although this trait could be quite amiable, on this level it was almost impossible that the girl didn't have some kind of personality disorder. Perhaps some post trauma issue. Truth be told, the girl was downright annoying.
She had met her match apparently, in strutted an over-stupid, undersexed blond, that roamed the high school like it was his playground.
"HEEEEEY HINATA-CHAN LOOK, NEW GIRL NEW GIRL NEW GIRL WE MUSSSST MAKE FRIENDS WITH HER!!!" Little commentary was necessary for the garbage spilling from his mouth. Sakura smiled even wider. It really was a shame that the blond had no common sense. He should have run while he had the chance.
"Hi! My name is Sakura Haruno, I'm going to tell you my depressing life story now! It's such a nice day!" The girl bobbed her head up and down in a twitchy fashion. The blond stared at her in all of her new girl wonder and smiled.
"YEAH. OK. I have a depressing life story toooooo. Let's share and be the damn happiest emos ever," He said.
"YEAH, what's your name again?"
"UZUMAKI NARUTO," He shouted with such enthusiasm the girl began to giggle. They then plunged into telling each other their life stories. Apparently Naruto was also an orphan, what a mad coincidence!
As the two continued their chatter, the bell rang and Naruto discovered that he had the exact same classes as Sakura. Again a fun coincidence.
"Just this way Sakura-chan, let's go to homeroom," the boy said as he grabbed the girl's hand and they skipped to class.
Of course their teacher was a pervert named Kakashi. He didn't actually arrive during homeroom, but the pink haired girl had the pleasure (and it really was for her) of hearing all about him.
About ten minutes after the bell had rung, in strutted the sexiest beast Sakura had ever seen in her pathetic asexual life. He wore all black, complete with combat boots, chains and a My Chemical Romance tee shirt. His hair fell into his face in an appealing way (if one digs the hoodlum look) and he took his seat right next to Sakura. The girl was blushing so much, it was a wonder her head didn't explode from the sudden rush of blood.
Of course, the guy turned out to be a real bastard. He didn't talk to anyone until Naruto, being the genius that he was, decided to pick a fight with him. They went back and forth and back and forth and the meaningless words held Sakura's attention like no movie ever had. It was in the middle of this fight that the boy caught her eyes for the first time.
He never had any choice, he was drawn to the fascinating green like a magnet and he could do nothing but stop his fight with Naruto and stare lovingly into her eyes forever. Sakura decided she would introduce herself.
"Hi I'm Sakura Haruno, I have a depressing past," She said in a chipper way, her head bobbing again.
"No way I have a depressing past too! What a small, small world," The boy began in a complete personality turn over, "My name is Sasuke Uchiha". Sakura nodded her head and smiled. And the two launched into a conversation about the best color of converse shoes.
Homeroom was nearly at an end so it was about time for the rest of their friends to be introduced. Sakura met Shino, Hinata, Kiba, Akamaru, Neji, Tenten, and Rock Lee. By the end of their first conversation they were already best friends and they all had the same teachers. What a funny coincidence again.
"So what brings you to our school? You said you were an orphan," Rock Lee asked wiggling his eyebrows like a pedophile.
"Oh, right, I was adopted, but my new parents aren't very nice," Sakura said.
"What why?" Sasuke asked, tensing beside her, determined now (after knowing her for about thirty seconds) to protect her from anything.
"Well, my they make me dress up in this funny little maid outfit and then touch me in uncomfortable places," She said, the cheer suddenly draining from her face and tears spilling out of her eyes,
"Don't worry Sakura, I'll kick his ass by chapter twenty," Sasuke said, pounding his fist on the table in all of his emo rage. Sakura nodded. What was a high school fic after all, if the readers didn't have to put up with nineteen chapters of sleepovers, truth or dare, making out, lovey dovey faces, shopping and intense mary- sue-ing before the actual plot kicks in.
a/n I literally wrote this in about a half an hour. Hope it shows. Mostly boredom and writers block induced this. I promised myself I would write something. So here it is, the shortest satire ever. I hope you enjoyed (or at least tolerated) it. Review.