What if Sam remembered his first time drinking blood and Dean remembered his first time torturing?
"It's been weeks, Ruby. I need more," Sam said.
"You don't sound too happy about it," Ruby feigned a hurt expression.
"You think I want this? This is the last thing I want, but if I'm going to be strong enough to kill Alistair…," he trailed off. It seemed to him he was always trying to justify things that couldn't be justified. Yet he kept on doing them.
"It's OK, Sammy. You can have it," Ruby relented.
Sam realized it was like he was begging her, when the first time, it was just the opposite.
Flashback:
Sam woke up and turned to his side to see Ruby. Had he really had sex with a demon last night? It didn't matter how upset he was about Dean's death. This was inexcusable.
"Hey, Sam," Ruby said, waking up.
"How did I let this happen?"
"It's OK, Sam," Ruby said. She was afraid the sex might have been a mistake. She had hoped that it would make him more compliant, but it might push him away. Sam was hard to judge sometimes.
"No, it's not."
"Sam, I need to tell you something," Ruby said.
"What?" Sam asked, not knowing if he really cared to hear anything Ruby had to tell him.
"There was a reason I wanted to have sex last night. It was all for you. Exchange of demonic bodily fluids will increase your powers. But what will have the most effect is blood. I didn't think you would want to drink my blood, though," Ruby explained.
"You've got that right!" Sam exclaimed. He remembered Yellow Eyes showing him how he had dripped his blood into his mouth that fateful night, so it made sense, but still. There were lines you just didn't cross.
"But Sam, if you want to kill Lillith, this is the only way," Ruby pointed out.
Dean wouldn't like it. Dean would be so disappointed in him. He had made him promise not to use his psychic abilities. It was his dying wish. OK, he hadn't exactly honored it, but he definitely couldn't drink the blood.
"No," he said finally. But Ruby could hear the hesitation in his voice.
"Why don't you just try it once? If you don't like it you never have to do it again," Ruby said, knowing if she could get him to do it once, she was in. Demon blood was more addictive than nicotine. The only reason the babies didn't continue drinking is they had no way of hooking themselves up with more.
Sam considered. There might not be anything wrong with just trying it once. No, what was he thinking. He couldn't do that. Dean sold his soul for him. He couldn't repay him by selling his morals.
"No," he said again.
Ruby was getting desperate. She hadn't expected the shell of a man that she had come to see a few weeks ago to resist her like this. Especially not after last night.
"Fine. If you don't want to kill Lillith and avenge your brother, I understand. But would he?" she asked, trying a different tack.
"He wouldn't want me to do this," Sam replied, positively this time. That's the one thing he was sure in all this. What Dean would want him to do. He just wasn't so sure what he wanted to do, or what he should do.
"That's right. I forgot. You always take Dean's orders," Ruby tried, thinking that at last she might have him.
Ruby was right. He spent his whole life taking orders from his dad, from Dean. They were both gone now and it was up to him to make his own decisions now.
"OK," he said.
"What?" Ruby asked, afraid to believe she had succeeded.
"OK, I'll drink your blood."
Ruby grabbed out a knife and slit her arm before he could change his mind. He knelt down over her and drank. Tentatively at first. It had a tangy taste, slightly different from human blood. It was good. And he was beginning to feel strong. He wished he had been doing this his whole life.
End Flashback
Ruby was right. He did want this. But he would never admit that to her or anyone else. Demon blood was the best thing that had ever happened to him.