Edit (7/30/2012): Fixed some mistakes. Many thanks to Palmer Blu for betaing!
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, only the plot.
Warning: Mentions of Slash.
Enjoy reading!
He didn't care that his counterpart's expression contorted in pain or that his eyes got wet with hurt; when he bit out those words, he didn't even bat an eyelash.
He lived on the other's pain. He wanted to hurt him so badly, so desperately that he didn't, and couldn't, think about anything else.
In this one wonderful moment he spoke the words he had dreamed of speaking, the words that shattered the other's heart - his whole life - into tiny little pieces.
He didn't care.
Not right now.
Except he did, the second his thoughts became sound and those dreadful words reached the other's ears. The glorious feeling of having finally spoken his mind, of overstepping that last boundary, vanished into nothing but terrified realization at what exactly he had said.
What those words unmistakably meant.
The other's unbelieving, terrified face was proof enough.
But he couldn't, and wouldn't take the words back. He had longed to speak them; they held a grain of truth, whether he wanted to admit it or not. Yet he didn't feel as elated as he had while reciting them in his mind.
While his partner's face fell he could only watch on in silent terror. "I didn't mean it", he wanted to say, "I'm so sorry, please!" he wanted to scream.
The silence was deafening.
His counterpart's shoulders sagged, his whole composure changed; it now told of despair, defeat, and eventually forced acceptance. Hurt and pain were still evident in those expressive eyes of his, desperation too, but no trace of the anger and rage he had expected.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the other hid his emotions, sadness their lone reminder.
Sadness so deep he could have drowned in it - he wished he could. He felt his stomach churn painfully.
The other began to move slowly, with stiff movements, as if he had to carry a great burden on his shoulders. Turning he made his way over to the door, only to halt and turn around again.
Their eyes met.
It would be the last time, he realized now. Everything would be over and done with once the other had walked out that door.
Still frozen, unable to form the words he had to speak to make this right, to fix this - there were none - he desperately tried to convey a message through his eyes, begging the other to forgive him because really all he wanted to say was "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, please forgive me, I can't live without you, I love you, please, please just don't leave me!"
He couldn't.
And the other was leaving like he himself had planned to leave after his words. He apparently hadn't found what he had been searching for in his eyes.
This time, there was no turning around for the last time, no final pause. He stopped at the door.
Suddenly his hand lifted of its own accord and came to hang somewhere in the seemingly unending expanse of space between them, reaching out for something that was no longer his.
Hand on the handle and head touching wood the other spoke.
"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough."
Spencer wanted to cry.
Never seeing the hand outreached towards him, Derek left the room.
A/N: I'm leaving it to each of you to imagine what Spencer's "Words" were.
And no, I'm not one for unhappy endings. In fact I don't really like to read stories that end the way mine did. But apparently, my dislike for that does not apply to writing fics myself ^^'. Somehow I feel bad for making the story end this way though, but it is based on the inner struggles of a real person, which - if they ever spoke their mind - wouldn't involve a happy ending either.
This is only my second fanfic, so reviews and constructive criticism are always greatly appreciated!