N/A: I don't own Jane and the Dragon. And if I did, I might actually get sued for doing an episode/story about this. I dunno, I mean the only kid's thing today with anything like drunkenness was that one scene in Spongebob the Movie with all of the ice creams. Tell me you don't look at that and mentally replace the ice creams with beers. The outcome would be about the same no matter which one of these is used.

And yes, I made a children's TV show character get drunk. I am going to hell.

The Drunken Dragon:

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." ~Ernest Hemingway

There were things that short-lives did that utterly baffled Dragon, from hoarding little clucky things to the moo noise-makers, though this seemed to be in a class all of its own in terms of strangeness. But he was anything if not curious, and it appeared odd that the two-leggeds would go out of their way to hoard funny-smelling water when there was a river not a short ways away from the little human lair, one where they kept other creatures. Not to mention, it wasn't as though anyone was outright watching the stack of little trees he had found next to the wood-cave. Getting close was also as easy as sneaking up on sleeping geese, it almost made him wonder if there were any two-leggeds about at all.

Not to mention, one of the tree-trunks was oozing somewhat from the bottom, leaving a small puddle under the little thing. Lapping at the pool, he noted the almost bitter taste to the liquid, though with an utterly strange sort of fire that licked oddly at his throat. It wasn't entirely bad, though Dragon's curiosity had been piqued enough to poke a hole in the top of another little tree trunk and take a quick swig, gasping lightly at the burning sensation that ran down his gullet. However, it was coupled with a strange, heady rush running through his brain, making his head sway slightly on his long neck. While unfamiliar it wasn't a bad feeling per se, and Dragon found himself reaching for the next tree trunk within grabbing distance, out of curiosity mostly. What would happen if he had more?

The next swig was somewhat similar to the last, though the sensation in his head grew stronger. If he honestly had to name the feeling that was spreading through his skull, he would have called it fluffy, like he had clouds circling around and around inside his brain. And while definitely odd, it was still nice. Perhaps just a few more…

His head felt like it had rocks in it when he woke up the next morning. Dozens of sharp, flaming rocks that shifted around whenever he so much as twitched. It also did not help that there was a dusty brown chicken perched on his nose, clucking in a manner that seemed far too loud for his already abused noggin.

Letting out a series of grumbling, mangled noises that could have been words at some point, Dragon attempted to roll onto his stomach from his side [sending the fowl running], and immediately felt his stomach flip-flop inside him at the motion. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to lie still for a bit longer…

Though if it wasn't the pounding in his head, the other various aches that were just now starting to make themselves known, or even his wishy-washy gut, Dragon could say that he was suddenly acutely aware of how dry his mouth was, almost to the point of feeling like he had inhaled fire.

It took him a few moments to remember where the river was, never mind getting a whiff of running water. Given his current condition, not to mention the fact that there were a hundred other scents fighting for recognition in his achy brain, it took Dragon longer than he would have liked to get somewhat oriented and pull himself up on his feet, which was about when he felt something small and irritating under the inert piece of flesh that might have served the purpose of a tongue at one point. After a moment's wrangling, Dragon managed to get the few small, now definitely soggy objects out of his mouth. For a moment, he wondered if his eyes were playing tricks on him, but a few blinks and head shaking [Which he was never doing again for as long as he lived, his skull protested in several short bursts of pain.] rendered that idea false.

Stuck to his claws were several damp chicken feathers, about the same color as the bird that had just taken off into the woods.

At least the way back to the river was easy enough to find, he kept telling himself. Even if it was littered with various relics of last night's escapade. The wayward farm animals and utterly trampled trees were telling enough, even if his recollections were being blocked by the massive headache that was currently taking a considerable amount of space in his skull. Resisting the urge to start moaning, as any noise seemed to make his condition worsen, he settled his head down into the relieving, cold river water and practically inhaled a good portion of it before remembering that he needed to breathe.

The fiery feeling in his maw was quenched somewhat, though something about the almost bitingly chilled liquid cascading down his throat shook loose something in his mind. Stopping just long enough to swallow, Dragon allowed the snippet to play out in his mind.

-He was definitely feeling very strange, though while this should have made him at least a little uneasy, he couldn't help but giggle, the snickers turning into full-blown guffaws with barely any effort. He should at least try to be quiet, there was a short-life dwelling right there, but right now, the world just looked so funny and strange he couldn't help but laugh a bit at its expense. This was made somewhat more hilarious when his awkward stumbling made him crash directly into the large-thing-what was it called again? He couldn't remember, though the animals that had been set free by his inadvertent action of knocking down the barn wall took the opportunity to make a break from the tipsy and decidedly terrifying giant reptile that had partially staggered his way over to the other end of the property and through a wooden fence before finally sitting, giving up on the attempt of walking for a moment as he swayed back and forth-

Frowning in confusion and shaking his head a bit [and immediately regretting it], Dragon attempted to at least make sense of the foggy recollection and then deciding that it was probably better not to, at least not until he actually felt like a dragon again rather than something that someone had stepped on repeatedly. With feet easily as big as his own.

However, something in the memory made him stop. He had been near a short-life cave? A house?

Not to mention the fact that in his current state, he definitely did not want to tangle with any short-lives. True, they were small, scrawny, and ordinarily would not have given a magnificent creature such as himself any trouble, but with the way his head was pounding and how his legs would not stop feeling all shaky he wasn't willing to chance a meeting.

Meandering his way back up the slope he had come down, Dragon breathed a sigh of relief when the ground evened back out again, making the trek easier. Perhaps he could just keep walking, and maybe he would eventually be well out of reach of any two-leggeds for a bit until he felt better or the entire thing blew over, whichever happened first.

Stomping through a cluster of brush, the reptile made his way through the tangled undergrowth of the forest, grinning thankfully when he noticed the familiar trail of flat vegetation from his earlier path. At least he wasn't lost.

However, the realization vanished from his mind when his more alert mind caught an odd splotch of color from behind a cluster of trees and taller shrubs. Despite the fact that he still feeling very rotten, his curiosity was piqued. Not to mention the fact that an entire tree had been knocked down just in front of the other greens. He could, vaguely remember-

-He finally managed to get his legs under him, pushing up awkwardly as he started to thunder forward and into the vegetation. In a normal state of mind, he might have been slightly leery about just staying near a short-life cave for so long, but his addled brain saw it as great fun, especially given that his romp had forced the farm animals from the confines of the barn and out into the pasture. It was fun to watch them run around, nearly in circles given that he was blocking his hole in the fence, and none of them seemed to dare to come close. Not that the thought had occurred to Dragon, he was just utterly amused by the show, giggling and laughing up a storm. However, he seemed to notice that his presence was causing some panic when the chickens and goats scattered from his side of the pasture, clustering at the other end of the field in terror.

Frowning groggily, he shifted, swaying a bit as his brain couldn't quite seem to decide what an acceptable amount of balance was, or un-balance, as the awkward motion nearly sent him toppling over. Yet the almost-fall had no place in his mind at the moment, all he could think about was the other animals. Maybe if he came closer…?

Though the thought was only half-formed, Dragon's body decided to act on it, wobbling to his feet and looming closer, his shaky, imposing shape only succeeding in scaring the group further. But in his movement, he had left the opening he had made in the fence completely unguarded, and when comparing the prospect of facing the terrifying monster, many of the animals seemed to find a considerably larger amount of safety in the yonder forest. The first to make the bolt was a plucky goat, bell clanging loudly as it darted past Dragon quicker than he could follow and into the trees. And once they had seen the first escaping, the rest of them followed soon after, the reptile too dazed and addled by the drink he'd had to keep up with them all. It didn't bother him much, though. All he could think about was that he had found a new sort of game. With that thought in mind, he trampled down another section of the fence in his excitement, also knocking into and uprooting an old oak tree on his way into the tree line. Thundering through the forest, the reptile stumbled after what he could see of the retreating goat, chickens, and other various animals running through the trees. However, the one making the most racket was a certain stubby brown hen as it ran headlong into a bush, getting turned around and coming out on the wrong side as it clucked frantically and tried to spin to correct it's path. Dragon, in his drink-addled mind, found it funny and almost a little adorable. Carefully [which in his current state resulted in a flimsy grab], he managed to get hold of the squirming feathery ball and lifting it up to his face gently. By this point, the chicken was in a frenzy, nearly passing out in shock at the very feeling of the much larger lizard picking it up, bringing it close to the threateningly sharp teeth, and…licking it.

If a chicken was capable of passing out in shock, the stunned fowl would have done so right then and there. Not that Dragon really considered that strange, or even really noticed. He continued to snicker, occasionally clucking in tandem with the chicken, and looking it over with the bemused curiosity only the truly inebriated could achieve. However, his brain was starting to turn a little more than mentally bleary, a large yawn giving off a very good show of his teeth. Thankfully, the chicken was lowered to the ground, slipping from his loose grip. With sleep dragging heavily on his mind and body, Dragon settled down on the grass, settling into an uncoordinated sprawl as his eyes slid shut…-

Groaning from a little more than throbbing headache pain now, Dragon immediately hightailed it away from the damaged farm, pushing his way into the forest past the clearing. This was embarrassing, downright humiliating, not to mention outright painful and sickening. He was never going to do anything like this again, never, not in a…well, a long, long time. Any barrels of funny smelling water were to be avoided at all cost from now on. That was a new rule.

Right up there with not ever doing anything like that again. Granted, there didn't seem to be much wrong with what he did; who could say that they claimed so many animals? He certainly couldn't. And even if there was some sort of reason for it, it wasn't as though he really knew what he was doing at the time, right? Right.

And no licking chickens…

He may not have been able to blush, but there were definite moments in which he could feel blood rushing to his face in an unseen reddish cast. It certainly didn't help that the one person whom he'd had the backbone to tell this downright embarrassing, should-never-be-mentioned-again tale was still doing a very poor attempt at stifling the teary-eyed giggles threatening to burst from her like water from a poorly-constructed dam.

"You promised you would not laugh!" He tried to roar in a serious manner, but instead the statement came out sounding rather petulant and pleading. Then again, Jane didn't really seem to be afraid of him when he was being 'threatening' anyhow.

"I am s-sorry, Dragon, but that is…" Whatever it was was lost in a fit if sniggers, which Dragon huffed, crossed his forearms, and endured with quiet annoyance and grace. Then again, perhaps this was based more on how worried and confused Jane had been when she had seen her best friend outright recoil from a new shipment of liquor brought into the castle with an expression of deep disgust on his face. Not to mention when he had outright dragged her to some secluded meadow in the more remote parts of the kingdom in order to tell her the tale when she had finally managed to convince him to do so.

Though the fact that she had needed to reassure him continually that she was not going to laugh at him did help to quell her urge to snicker, she couldn't keep the grin off her face. Thankfully, Dragon didn't seem anymore bothered by the smile.

"You will not have to go anywhere near the rum if you do not want to. The king is having a banquet in a few days and needed it for the occasion."

"I do not see much of a point in the stuff. Why do short-lives want to make themselves act silly, especially when it only makes them sick later?"

"I believe that only happens when you have too much, Dragon. Though I cannot say why people enjoy it. I have never really had any."

"Will you?" Dragon asked after a moment, tone conversational though the fact that he was avoiding her gaze showed that he still had not really relaxed by much.

"Most likely not." Jane answered back, smile less strained now that the hilarity of the story had worn off some. Giving a small, wane grin of his own, Dragon quietly settled down, though there was one last part of this deal that he felt the need to address.

"If you tell anyone about this-."

"Do not worry, greenlips." Jane interrupted, catching onto her friend's new topic straightaway. "I will say nothing to anyone about your little story, promise."

"Good." Dragon stated, sounding more relieved than stoic and unmoved by this whole mess. Granted, for all of his floundering, his had definitely gone better than Dragon had hoped. And perhaps this was not quite so embarrassing after all.

…Well, no, it definitely was. Hopefully he would never have to talk about this again…

Yep, still here. Still probably going to hell for this.

Though fun story, the title of this story comes from the series Dragonlance, particularly the Draconian Measures book. Originally, it was the name of a bomb the heroes made in a last-ditch attempt to turn the tide in a battle.

Granted, I actually did have a fanfic just like this on my computer a while back, though the file got lost in the black cloying void of needing to purge things to have space on my hard drive. Not to mention I wasn't too sure about publishing it cause, well, people can get antsy about this sort of thing. Special thanks to a friend of mine that got me to rewrite it and post this monster, you know who you are!

Oh, and in more news, I'll be putting some work into my chapter stories following this, such as Orphan School of Tough Learning, Dimensionally Displaced, and Monster Nephew. Though Minecraft and summer shenanigans such as jobs tend to distract, there will be updates this summer, guys, never fear!