Things Whispered In The Dark.
Jack had chosen the lowest part of the ship as her quarters. It was dark, and filthy and smelly. She seemed right at home. Shepard went to see her first. She looked even more severe when sitting still than she did when in combat. The first conversation went badly. Or to be more precise, didn't go at all. Whatever he said to her, she just stared back at him, staying in the shadows, her eyes the only thing visible.
The days passed, and she did not emerge. The others quietly asked him to leave her to herself, none of them wanting to be teamed up with her.
"Shepard," Tali had asked him once. "Why did you bring her on board? I know from experience that you don't play favorites with your crew... but you can't tell me that you want her at your back... for my own view, she's unstable."
Shepard took a moment before responding to that. "Tali, you told me once that you worried about people not seeing you. You said that with that helmet on, nobody could see your face, and you were worried that you hid too much of yourself behind it."
"It can be intimidating to some people, trying to have a conversation with a blank mask." Tali conceded, waiting for the point.
"What's more intimidating? A blank mask, or a shaved head, body covered in tattoos and scars, severe speech, violence..."
"You think it's just a front?"
"I think that you don't make yourself look like that because you want to be approachable." Shepard conceded.
Joker sat back in his chair. "No! Nonono, sir, you're going to try and rescue her aren't you?"
"What?"
"No, really; you are! You're going to try and fix her, and make her all better again."
"Joker!"
"You're a compulsive Galahad sir. You can't resist people in trouble."
"He's got a point." Tali put in.
"She's got a lot of baggage in her history." Shepard put a stop to it. "She's put up a lot of walls."
Joker took this in. "Well, there are usually walls around things for good reasons." He said slowly. "There are walls around reactors, walls around garbage dumps..."
"Okay, Joker."
"Around bottomless pits, around disease wards..."
"I get it Joker."
"Around lunatic asylums, missile silos, Geth nests, sewerage plants, gator farms..."
"I GET IT JOKER!"
The next five or six encounters went more or less the same. She would step back into the dark when he approached, and watch with her back to the wall. He would bring her food. Always something from the Captain's mess, and not the mess hall. She would tell him shortly that she wasn't hungry, and he would leave it, in case she wanted it later.
After the third time, she slunk out and actually took it from him. "Well." She said finally. "The food's better here at least."
Taking that as a victory, Shepard smiled, told her that he hoped she liked it, and slipped out.
Things thawed a little after that. She would never give him more than three or four words per answer, but Shepard kept coming. Once, she actually thanked him for bringing the food down to her.
She joined him on missions. He summoned her for combat missions, when overwhelming force was going to be a fact of their work. She did it gleefully.
Curious to see her reactions, Shepard took her along on smaller missions. Information dealing, people they met along the way that needed help.
Jack seemed completely lost when people thanked them emotionally for their help. Once, a little girl actually tried to give Jack a flower as a thank you for helping her father with some gambling debts. Shepard was amazed to see Jack… lost. She took the flower automatically, and stared at it in her hand like waiting for it to explode. If she wasn't taking it so seriously, he would have laughed.
"So." She said to him that night, when he brought her food. "Is that what it's like? Being the big hero? Savior of the Citadel? People waving and smiling all the time?"
"No. Not all the time." Shepard said honestly. "Most of the time, it makes you a target. Or worse, a human starting gun."
"What do you mean?"
"Suddenly reporters ask, politicians ask… they all want to know what I think about things; see if they can get any mileage out of me. And that's not even counting the thirty thousand odd bad guys who want to be the one who took me down."
Jack actually uncoiled from the dark corner enough to come forward, her dark lips curving upward sardonically. "It's so much better being bad."
"Oh, being the hero has its perks." Shepard promised. "What did you think of it?"
Jack reacted like he'd slapped her. "What?"
"That little girl would have been an orphan if the loan shark had found her family. We saved them without a shot being fired. To that kid, you're a superhero. How did it feel?"
Jack's eyes flashed. "Look Shepard, I get what you're trying to do, but it won't work. I've already been conditioned once, and I'm not doing that again. Warm fuzzies come from sinking a blade in, not from flowers and smiling kids. Got that? I'm not staying on with you forever. You've got a mission, I'll play it out, and then I'm leaving."
"Where will you go?" Shepard asked her, genuinely wondering.
"There's a place, a facility on Pragia, in the Dakka system. According to your files…"
"It's where they did this to you."
Jack reacted. "You KNEW?"
"Jack, it's my ship. Your price was the files. Of course I wanted to know what you were looking for."
"Well, I have unfinished business there. The bad kind. Once I'm done with you, I'll be headed there. Nothing you can say will make me change my mind."
"Oh, I bet I could think of something."
"You can go f-"
"Captain." Joker's voice called over the PA. "We're approaching the Dakka system. Orders?"
The look on Jack's face was priceless. She was actually speechless.
Shepard keyed his radio. "Set course for the planet Pragia. Find anything that might be a facility, and warm up the landing craft. We're going hunting." He sent Jack a look. "I assume you want to come?"
The change in her was really incredible. She could go from violent to stone wall in the blink of an eye. Any time they faced opposition, she was merciless. Any time they faced something she knew, she was unreadable.
Shepard went along with her for the simple reason that something was going wrong, the deeper they got into the facility…
When the first band of attackers tried to prevent their entry, she was through them like an angry wind.
Shepard didn't even have time to fire a shot, and instead he turned on his omni-tool and briefed Miranda. "Miranda! There are armed people here! The rooms are being refurbished. There's active equipment! You said there wouldn't be…"
"There shouldn't be!" Miranda insisted from the ship. "The place has been shut down for years. The second we found out what they were doing here!"
Jack snorted, and took off into the hallways at a run.
Shepard gave chase. "One hour Miranda. If you don't hear from us, you come and rescue us!"
"So if Subject Zero kills you and then lies in wait for me…?"
Shepard smirked tightly. "Like I said, if you don't hear from us, you sent Thane down here to come rescue us."
The place was incredibly depressing, dark and filthy. Time had not been kind to it, but the true horrors of the place were ancient. You could feel the despair in the walls.
Jack was breathing faster like she'd been running a marathon. Every time she turned a corner she flinched again.
"You want to head back?"
Jack grinned, suddenly the picture of a perfect death-dealer. "Shepard, this place is going to be atoms soon. This is me finishing a job."
And then they opened a door, and her smile froze.
"What is this?" Shepard asked.
Jack swallowed. "This is my room."
Shepard looked around. Cracked one way mirror, bloody marks on the walls, small thin cot, and bare table in the corner.
Jack stretched her arms out as far as she could, and touched opposite walls of the room at once. Her old room was smaller than her reach. "I remember this room being a lot bigger." She commented absently. Her voice had a spellbound absence in it. She actually smiled at a few things. "Nostalgia. Never thought I'd be nostalgic. Especially not for this." She turned to the window. "Those bastards thought I couldn't see them, but when I smashed the lights out, I could see them with their lamps on." She snorted. "I thought the other side of that window was the only other part of the world. I can't believe the glass is broken."
"Is there… anything you want to take with you?" Shepard asked quietly.
Jack turned to the table. "This table is the only thing I might... No. I don't need it any more." She rubbed the back of her neck. "I remember the area. Sort of. They made me fight other biotic kids… I only remember it partly. They had me dosed up on so many drugs back then. I got the good drugs when I killed something. Made me feel… wonderful."
"Conditioning you." Shepard commented thickly. "Do you… still feel that way?"
Jack looked at him. "Yes. Sort of. I… I've run with drug runners since then. I've tried most everything you can try. There's nothing… real about it. You know how little patience I have for bul-"
There was a sound. They both spun smoothly, weapons coming up.
And then they saw him, and it was all Jack and the mystery man. They both glared electrically at each other. The weapons in their hands were unimportant, unnecessary. They had the same look in their eyes. Fury, power, hatred, steel.
The man saw her and went completely out of his head. "Zero. I remember you. I remember watching you fight. I remember the way they carved us up to find parts for you. I suppose its right that you are here when this place is reborn. You were the reason for all the death."
"You're the one that brought people back here." Jack growled.
"Something had to come for it. All those children Jack, all of them dead over a drop of your blood. Something has to be good for any of it to mean a damn." He was babbling, almost manic; from his own madness or from seeing her again, Shepard couldn't say. "I'm Aresh. Did you ever hear my name? No? Of course not. They wouldn't concern you with who you killed and who lived." He swallowed opening and closing his hands around the gun so fast that Shepard almost shot him straight away. "We ran to you that day. When we fought back. We ran to you, wanted you to save us. We knew they were forcing you, knew how strong you were. We were kids, looking for a hero, and we picked you. And you killed them all!"
Blue fire raced across his skin, and something flashed across at Jack.
A much brighter blast caressed Jack's body, head to toe, and she practically flew to the ceiling, glancing off it like a springboard, as she came down at him, an unstoppable wave as she shrieked like a crazed hawk seeking prey.
The glass window shattered behind them as they flew into the much larger room on the other side.
Shepard came up, weapons drawn, but paused. Jack was entranced. A zealot facing her god. She was locked in combat and her body and spirit sang with it. Shepard was almost scared. Not of her. But for her.
Then he caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and spun with his gun, shooting back as a pack of Krogan warriors came charging in.
The Krogan were trying to find their way around cover to get within reach as Shepard held them back. Grenades forced their assault further down the corridor, but it was clear that the true fight was happening behind them.
Biotic attacks flashed around the room, smashing against each other with a sound like two chainsaws tearing each other apart. Teeth bared, eyes fierce, the two warriors ravaged each other,
Aresh collapsed under her assault, the force of the power making him bleed from the eyes, the damage from the punishment he was taking shredding his brain and body.
Jack brought him down and put a knee on his throat. Her fingers dug into his scalp as she threw her head back, relishing the moment. She exulted in victory like an orgasmic wave. A junkie getting a hit. A lioness with her kill.
The Krogan were dispatched, but forcing them back had taken Shepard halfway down the hall, and he spun to race back, just in time to see Jack smoothly draw her gun and put it to Aresh's temple. Somehow he was still alive, clawing pathetically against her knee at his throat.
"Don't do it!" Shepard warned. "There's no need."
"Jack. Look at me!" Shepard barked.
She did so, the gun not wavering.
"He's not going to succeed; this place will be vapor soon, with or without him."
Jack's eyes were still pure iron. The gun still didn't waver.
"Jack." Shepard pushed. "Did you like it when that little girl gave you flowers?"
Silence.
Jack shoved the man back down again, and turned away from him, gun holstered. Not one wasted movement, not one glance back. "Let's go."
Jack was notably quiet when she and Shepard returned to the ship. She handed Miranda the detonator, already used, and gave Shepard a single nod as she walked away.
Shepard went to the bridge, already directing them to the next mission, and recording his reports.
That night Miranda made her own report. Cerberus liked having backups, extra sources…
"The Teltin Facility has been completely destroyed sir. Our original scans have been updated, and by now I'm sure you've been given Commander Shepard's report?"
"How was this facility restarted without us knowing about it?"
"Aresh apparently had the support of a Krogan, identity unknown, and a mercenary group, identity unknown. Aresh intended to restart the project independently." Miranda braced herself. "There was no intelligence, because there are no resources going into the area, no communications…"
"Independent operation was the reason that facility went so far off the rails in the first place."
"Yessir. An opinion that does not carry much weight, given the clandestine nature of everything Cerberus does." Miranda agreed. "Aresh was insane sir. His grasp was further than he could reach. He did it alone."
"Then how was there a pitched battle? One demented biotic should have presented no problems."
"There were no problems. Reinforcements barely slowed our team down. Subject Zero knew the layout of the facility already."
"Subject Zero was present?" Her illusive master queried.
"Yes sir." Miranda knew what he was thinking. "But… Aresh lived through the encounter. He was killed when the base was destroyed."
"He had that kind of power?" There was surprise in his voice. "I thought that Subject Zero was miles above any other biotic."
"He was never attacked. Subject Zero spared him."
"Odd. That doesn't seem to belong in her personality profile."
"Due respect sir, there is a new complexity to the entire crew's personality jackets. One that brings out… unpredictable patterns to their behavior."
"That being?"
"Shepard."
Shepard stepped into 'The Pit', and she looked up at him from her cot. "What?"
"Well, I figured you might want to talk."
"Why the f-"
"It was pretty confronting down there. You're seven of the toughest people I know Jack, but you weren't the last time you were there. I know from experience, you can never go home again. You do, and time sorta vanishes."
She was staring at him. "Shepard, I don't know if you're crazy, stupid, suicidal, or some merge of all three, but ask anyone on board. You don't poke me with a stick."
"I don't have a stick. I just figured... You wouldn't go and talk to anybody on your own, so I'm offering. Think of it like you're doing me a favor."
"And since when do I do you favors?"
She was fairly radiating tension. He stepped closer before she could react and took her in a warm gentle hug.
Jack turned to stone, like she was enduring a torture chamber. "What the hell..." She croaked out, and then started twisting in his grip, swearing vile words in four different languages. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"If you'll hold still for a second I'm trying to give you a hug."
The way she reacted, Shepard was convinced she'd considered it a fate worse than death. "WHY?"
"Because you need a hug more than anyone I've ever met. The Geth are less tense than you." He said gently, trying to keep it light. "Come on Jack, unclench, and relax a bit..."
She screamed obscenities at him till they blended into each other. He rode it out. She finally ran out of breath and coiled back in on herself. Shepard suddenly realized how her voice became so husky.
"Why the hell are you doing this?" Jack asked him finally, exhausted. "Miranda... There are other women. Tali... would be thrilled. They aren't... freaks." Suddenly furious, a blast of kinetic power lashed out and made something behind him fly against the wall with a clang. "WHY?"
"It's a hug Jack, I'm not signing up to have and to hold."
Jack saw her moment and lunged, breaking free of his arms and jumping back against the wall. "I know that! But why are you even trying you stupid, sanctimonious, judgmental-"
Shepard tuned it out, until she paused for breath and he could answer. "They had to put me back together too." He pulled back from her enough that she could see him clearly, and started pointing to himself. He pointed to his arm. "Fighting with the school bullies. one of them had a knife." His chest. "First battle. Shotgun. Cryo Rounds." He pointed to his leg. "The blitz. Bomb debris." He turned and pointed to his back. "Cerberus. Husk Claws." He ran a finger down the side of his face. "The Citadel. The Sovereign came through the window." He moved back closer to her. "I used to be able to tell my whole life story in my scars. But they put me back together again, and now I have new ones. You can't see the ones I got myself any more. It's like my skin isn't my own any more." He waved a hand at her and shrugged. "I know what it's like. To have the worst scars be the ones that you can't see."
Jack just stared at him. "I never should have let you come with me. I never should have... I should have gone down there alone. You're as bad as the Cheerleader. You saw a little bit, you had a few files, and you think you've got it all figured out. Like you can tell me about my life because you read a bleedin' report!"
"Jack, I don't mean-"
She hauled off and punched him hard enough to knock him off his feet. By the time the stars cleared, she was gone.
When he came back to his private Quarters that night, she was waiting for him, standing in the middle of the room, arms folded. She picked up the conversation right where if left off as though hours had not passed. "And anyway, why would I want to talk about it now? That place has been the stage for every nightmare I've had every night since the day I was born. So why would I be bothered by it tonight any more than last night, or the night before, or the one before that, or the one before that?"
Shepard managed to follow what she meant. She had somehow got the whole thing out in the time it took him to close the door behind him. "Do you really want an answer to that?"
"I'm here aren't I?"
"Well... maybe because it's gone now. We blew it to atoms, and if you wanted to go back, you couldn't. There's absolutely no possible way that you can ever be put in that room again, and no way can it hurt you any more. So if there was anything bothering you about it... it would all be coming from you now. There's nothing back there to be hurt by or scared of, because we killed it all."
She stared at him. Other than the fact her eyes were getting wider, there was nothing to show she'd even heard him.
"So if there was something still eating at you..." He added finally. "Then it isn't something that can go away by blowing something else up."
She turned on her heel and stormed for the door. He jumped out of the way before she went through him. She never even looked back.
With a sigh, Shepard got ready for bed.
She liked to think she was unreadable, but she was an open book. Her body was closed off, her jaw set, her clothes, hair, makeup; mannerisms... all of it screamed 'Go Away!'
Shepard had been an Officer, then a Spectre. Law Enforcement had seen it all. She was a child abuse victim raised to a mythic level by biotic power and long held hatreds. Everything he saw in Jack said that she was damaged; and more than a little dangerous. The unpredictable kind of dangerous, and not just in combat.
But then, the same could be said about most of them. Especially him. He was the hero of the Human race, the savior of the Citadel. And how many of his own friends walked on eggshells around him when he'd come back from the dead?
Why had he gone down there?
Maybe it was because nobody came into his room after the tough ones. Being a Spectre, being a soldier, being a War Hero, being 'The Pride of the Human Race'. People saw only the image with him sometimes. Just like Jack. They only saw what they wanted to see. Nobody came to straighten out his emotions or his mental state after the bad missions. They expected him to sort them out instead. He was the captain. it was his job to be unbreakable...
Such thoughts chased him into sleep.
Shepard woke up and found he had company in his bed. Somehow she had already got his shirt open and her lips and teeth were working savagely across his neck. "Jack-" he rasped in shock...
"It's a free ride commander; just shut up and enjoy it." She growled predatorily; her breath stunk of hard liquor.
Memory caught up and Shepard started to resist. "Jack, wait a second."
"Everyone's asleep, we can make noise. I intend to be pretty loud."
It took no small effort to push her hands away. "Jack. Stop."
He got his hands free just long enough to wave a hand out over the sensor and flood the room with light. She reared back from the light like a vampire taken by surprise. "Wha... What's wrong?"
He looked at her in the sudden light. Her face had been scrubbed clean of makeup, and her eyes were red; from drunkenness of from tears, Shepard couldn't tell. "You tell me, Jack. Are you okay?"
She was vibrating with a dangerous need; her eyes were wide and glassy with whatever she'd been drinking. "No. I need to do something. Shepard, if I stay still much longer I'm going to explode, so let's just do this and get it out of our systems huh?" She started reaching for his pants, and he caught her hands tightly, holding her wrists. Her eyes flashed at the classic hold, and Shepard braced for a blow that didn't come.
"Talk to me." He said.
"No."
Shepard waited. "You came back. If it was just to get something out of your system you could have gone to anyone, but you came here."
Long silence. Horrific silence. The fragile feeling came back again, with her sitting on his stomach, bent over his face...
She shifted, straddling him, and pulled her hands free slowly, the mania gone from her now. She waved a hand out and turned the lights back off. "This is easier in the dark." She croaked.
"Okay." Shepard brought his hands away from her, resting them lightly on her thighs, which were on either side of his stomach. "Say something."
"John... I'm... I'm not the one you live with for longer than ten minutes. The scars were done to me. The tattoos, the shaved head... I do that to myself. I have no illusions about how damaged I am. It makes me a fireball in the sack, but you don't take me to meet your folks. That's for the cheerleaders with perfect minds and bodies. I have no problem with making this what it is. You're one of the white knights, so it's easier for you if you tell yourself we have a future, but you want me to feel something for you, and... I can't feel anything any more."
"Then why are you crying?"
She was shaking again. "How can you see that? How can you tell I'm crying in the dark?"
He brought his hands back down to her wrists; over the scars there "Scars don't feel pain. Scar tissue doesn't feel pain because the nerve endings have severed." He brought both hands up to cup her face. "Scar tissue doesn't feel, because it's already dead." He took a chance and brought her hands up to his face, placing a soft kiss on each scar that drew across her veins.
The shudder rumbled through her and he felt her every limb twitch. He could hear a shaky breath being sucked in through her teeth. She slid off the bed, and for a moment, he thought she'd left. But then the mattress dipped and he felt her sliding in next to him. "Stay over there."
Shepard shifted over to the opposite side of the bed. He felt the mattress shift and settle.
"It doesn't mean anything." She whispered.
"Of course it doesn't." He promised instantly.
"I just can't be bothered leaving while I'm drunk."
"Okay."
"You can't just fix me like this."
"I know."
She searched for a moment and caught his hand. It was the only thing proving she was anywhere nearby in the dark. "Don't let go?"
"I promise."
Shepard woke up the next morning and felt the mattress shifting on his left hand side. he looked and saw she was pulling her boots back on. She felt him shift and looked back at him for a moment. Her eyes were cold and hard as she waited for him to say something.
"Morning." Shepard said finally.
Jack got up and nearly marched out the door, not even looking back at him.
"Shepard, I need to come along." Miranda told him shortly on the way to the landing bay.
"We're recovering a beacon Miranda. I can handle it alone. If it's damaged, Tali can handle it." Shepard told her.
"I'm sure. But I need to talk to you."
"Is it about the cat?" Miranda asked once, when they were safely away from the ship and down safe on the planet.
"What's a cat?" Tali asked.
"Is what about the cat?" Shepard asked, mildly stunned at the question.
"Jack. Are you trying to rescue the cat again?" Miranda pressed him, her flawless face full of concern.
"What are you guys talking about?" Tali demanded.
"When Shepard was a boy on earth, he found a cat." Miranda explained. "I saw it in his personality jacket. The sleep questions they give Alliance soldiers under hypnosis for their psychological profiles."
"You know about that too?" Shepard asked, not really surprised.
"What's a cat?"
"It's an animal. Humans keep them as pets. Only this one was a stray."
"No, not a stray. A feral. It had an owner, and it had been beaten." Shepard explained quietly. "You beat an animal long enough, and it starts to expect it. The only things it knew how to do was run away or bite first."
"John took care of it. After a while, it became his pet." Miranda added.
"So what happened to it?"
Shepard didn't answer.
Miranda did. "They lived in a warehouse basement. They lived the way a lot of runaways live. There were gangs roving the streets and they found him one day. The cat was beaten up by the gangs and killed."
"I joined up the next day." Shepard added quietly.
"So I guess what I'm saying is... taking along strays and making them strong is standard operating procedure for you. Is Jack just another feral you're trying to rehabilitate? A human, even a biotic, is harder to heal than a wild animal. A wild animal would probably leave fewer claw marks."
Shepard glared a little. "I would really think Miranda; that you of all people would want to be careful making comparisons like that."
Tali piped up, very aware of the tension. "There's the beacon."
The MAKO pulled to a half and the team got their environment suits on, heading outside. The wind was howling as always, but the probe was sticking halfway out of the ground, as the dust and dirt built up.
Shepard stepped forward first, tapping away at the interface. "Let's upload the information and-"
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Bebebebebebebeeeee-!
Shepard dove away from the probe as his team scattered for cover. The probe exploded, picking up the Commander with a blast of flame and shrapnel, sending him sprawling. Shepard heard the sound of gas hissing and looked down at his suit, leaking from half a dozen pinpricks.
"INCOMING! Three o'clock!" Miranda yelled, and gunfire rang out.
Flat on his back, fire racing through every limb, Shepard saw marauders scrambling over stone ridges, heading for the MAKO. Vision swimming, he drew his pistol, still flat on the ground, and returned fire, covering his people as they dragged him back into the armored vehicle.
Miranda lowered him to the ramp as the pressure normalized, and bolted for the turret as Tali took the wheel. "Normandy, Normandy, come in. it was an ambush! Shepard's down! We need immediate dust-off, and have the Doctor waiting in the bay! Medical emergency!"
Shepard's head was spinning madly as the turret opened up and started blasting away as the MAKO took off at full speed.
Shepard was trying to see through a fog of sedatives and pain, but his brain woke up enough to take in a gallery of faces. His crew were visiting him, one by one, wishing him well.
There was no sign of Jack.
Three days later, Shepard opened his eyes and saw clearly for the first time.
Mordin shuffled over to him. "How are you feeling?"
"Report." Shepard barked first thing.
"He's fine." Tali deadpanned.
"We're currently on our way to the Hades Gamma Cluster. Ship and crew are all optimal. I thought it best to keep you sedated until you were well enough to be discharged. The general consensus was that you would be a very difficult patient."
Tali helped him off the bed, and Mordin ran through the complete list of all the medications and exercises to do. Shepard had heard it all before.
Tali was following him like a worried puppy. "Are you okay? Is there anything else you need?"
"Nothing a hot shower and a night in my own bed won't cure." Shepard told her.
"Fine. Fine. That's good. I was worried, I mean, I know you've survived a lot worse than anything one explosion could throw at you, and if you did die, then Miranda could probably do some magic again, not that I'm suggesting that she-"
Shepard turned around, fought to keep his balance, and grasped Tali by the shoulders. "I'm fine." He promised her gently.
Tali looked down, obviously embarrassed. "I'm glad."
"What else did I miss while I was out?"
"Miranda made a full report to whomever it is she reports to. He was displeased to hear you were damaged. He tore strips out of her for over an hour. Joker had a recording of the conversation and played it fourteen times for various crew members before she found out."
"Is he alive?"
"Yes. But he hasn't opened his mouth once since she confronted him. Literally. We had to feed him through a straw, talk via view screen; and he still won't tell us why." Pause. "I saved a copy of the conversation if you would like to hear it. It's really quite entertaining."
Shepard laughed. "Another time."
Tali put a hand up as they came to the door to his room. "Um… it's none of my business, but Jack wanted to be informed when you were out of Medbay. She stayed outside the door to your room for three straight days. She never came in, but she didn't leave the door. Joker calls her your personal guard dog."
"Joker should stick to eavesdropping on Miranda's private calls, and keeping his mouth shut."
"I'm just saying, on anyone else her expression would have looked like sad."
Shepard paused at the door. "You're right Tali…" He said cannily. "It's none of your business."
"Good night Shepard."
Shepard came painfully back into his room for the first time since being injured and limped to the shower. The whole ship used recycled water, and it was the captain's privilege to have the only private hot water system on board.
The medical staff had given him a rundown of the injuries, and a quick set of instructions. The internal damage had been seen to, and the surface damage could be healed with the medi-gel, though it left him covered in aching spots as the nerve damage healed itself. It was a feeling Shepard was used to, having wounds that still hurt after being healed to nothing.
He sucked in a breath as the hot water ran over the newest additions to his war wounds, when a chill came through the stall, and he spun around.
Jack stood naked before him, seemingly unconcerned. Given what she usually wore, it wasn't much of a change. Without a word, she stepped into the shower with him, and slid the stall shut behind her. He took a step back reflexively to give her room, still facing away from her.
She looked him up and down, eyes lingering in all the right spots. "You don't look so bad for a man living off Medbay food. To hear Miranda tell it, you were already dead and still shooting back."
"You could have come and seen me if you were worried, you know."
Jack didn't come any closer. She seemed nervous, but more for him than anything else. "Get well cards and flowers aren't my scene."
Shepard nodded, and turned back to the shower head, washing the soap out of his eyes.
Jack didn't move, standing almost at attention in the shower, as though unaware of the state they were both in as the water ran over them both. She raised only one hand and gently brushed his wounds, still new enough to be red and raw. "Well... got some scars back."
"Yeah. Guess so."
"What were you doing? Trying to catch shrapnel?"
"I caught some didn't I?"
Jack nodded slowly. "I... I was worried." She looked downright ill.
Shepard turned around and took the extended hand in his own. He pulled it up to his neck, where his pulse was. "Still here. You don't get rid of me that easy."
She had the terrified look again. It was getting too close. "Your pulse is a little fast to be normal."
"I think that's more because of the attractive woman in the shower with me." Shepard said lightly.
Jack's face changed as stepped closer and put him up against the wall, forcing her mouth onto his violently. Once it started, it didn't seem to stop and she ran her hands up and down his neck, gripping his hair one second, his shoulders the next, all over him.
Shepard went with it till his hip hit the hot water tap. The handle didn't turn, but it dug into a wounded spot on his side and he hissed in sudden agony.
Jack yanked herself away like she'd been burnt and stepped out of the shower without another word.
Shepard was beyond stunned a few minutes later when he left the shower himself and found that she'd only gone as far as the next room. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, still naked and dripping, with her boots in one hand and her clothes in the other. She was trembling again, but from the cold or something deeper he wasn't sure.
She licked her lips. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to stay."
Shepard just looked at her.
She looked down. "I wasn't sure if I wanted me to stay."
Shepard nodded slowly. "How'd you sleep that night? When you were here?"
"Better than usual, once I managed to get to sleep."
Shepard nodded. "Me too." He crossed the room and got her a towel from his locker. She didn't take it, not looking at him. Eventually he put the towel around her shoulders. She finally seemed to notice, and took it from him, wrapping herself in it. As she did, he saw her arms, and reached out instantly to grab them. "Are you cutting yourself again?"
She pushed him away. "I was freaking out all right? You've never seen me freak out. You've never even seen me close! And I don't cut myself. I just... practice with the knives. You've seen me in close quarters. You have to practice that stuff. I got a little ahead of myself is all."
"Bleeding doesn't help!"
"It makes things clear. It makes the crazy stop for a minute. This is pain I can defy!"
Shepard was already at the omni-tool by his bed, and he sprayed some Medi-Gel over the wounds, which closed over easily enough.
She didn't say a word as he treated her, but looked up once he was done. "I'm sorry I wasn't there." She said quietly. "I wasn't there, and you got shot."
"Blown up, not shot." Shepard said lightly. "And it was my call. It wasn't meant to be a huge fire fight, it was a downed probe. How were we supposed to know it was a trap?"
She didn't look at him. He reached out a hand, put a finger under her chin, and made her look up. She did so, with big watery puppy eyes, and she nuzzled into his hand gently.
Shepard swallowed. "Jack, you never have to-"
Jack slapped his hand away viciously, and ran out of the room, wrapped in the towel, her clothes in hand, her boots left on the floor.
After few minutes, Shepard put the boots neatly outside his door. It was late. nobody was going to see them.
An hour later, he checked again. They were gone.
Sighing, he went to bed.
Almost an hour after he'd fallen asleep, he woke up as the mattress dipped. Before his eyes were open he felt a warm body, long and lean. He smelled gunpowder, ozone, stale smoke, gun oil and booze...
"Jack?"
"Couldn't sleep." She mumbled. "Don't say anything, or I'm leaving."
Shepard nodded, and they settled themselves against each other again. he started to put his arms around her and she slapped them away. "Don't touch."
Shepard settled back where he was. She waited a moment pushed on his shoulder lightly till he was facing away from her. She shifted, back to back with him.
Twenty minutes later, Shepard spoke. "I'm having no luck at all with sleeping. You?"
"Hell." Jack sighed. "I thought it would help. Being here."
Silence.
"Did you mean what you said?" She asked finally. "About me being attractive?"
"Yes."
Silence.
"Why'd you turn me down?" She asked finally. "Three times now. No strings, no questions, no awkward morning after. Why'd you turn me down?"
"You told me there were others." Shepard said carefully. "Who used you. For biotics, for violence, for work, for sex."
"Well... you're not like them." She admitted, and then she swore, violently and fluently. "This is so much easier in the dark. I can't believe I'm talking about this."
Shepard almost smiled. "Anyway, that's why."
"Worried about what I might have picked up after being passed around like that?" She asked crassly, no particular anger.
"No." Shepard assured her. "Just don't want to be put on the same list as any of those guys."
Deathly silence.
"I can't sleep." Jack whined.
Shepard turned over to lie facing her. "Come here."
She was trembling again, as his arms went around her gently. He could feel her hot breath on his collarbone as she breathed, and the tension in her seemed to solidify. It was like she was cuddling a marble statue.
Shepard recited softly. "Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there's some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
"That's beautiful." Jack whispered. "Who wrote that?"
"Robert Frost. Long ago." Shepard said. Ashley's memory hit him like a cold spike, and he pushed it away.
Jack looked up at him. "Someone special?"
She wasn't talking about the author of the poem, and Shepard knew it. "Yeah. She liked poems."
Jack's fingers tightened a moment. "Was she pretty?"
"... ...Yeah."
Jack was crying again. "Was she damaged too?"
"Everyone is one way or another. But no. Not like us."
Jack shifted. He couldn't see in the dark, but he knew she was looking up at him. "Us?" She quavered.
"Us." He confirmed.
Jack relaxed completely, like all the tension drained out of her in an instant. "Us."
They stayed silent for such a long time that Shepard wondered if she was asleep. And then she spoke.
"My soul
Burns
With a fire of darkness
Quenched only in the pain
Of loneliness
I hold my breath waiting
Until spots appear black as the past
And fill my lungs up with lies of hope
I mark myself
Black and jagged
To cover the scars
That make me a monster
A warning
This is not a place of honor
No esteemed dead are buried here." She whispered.
Shepard lightly stroked her bare back, fingers trailing up and down her spine. "You write that?"
"Uh-huh."
"Very nice. Moving."
Jack was crying again. "Really?"
"Really."
Silence.
"You can't fix me." She stressed. "You can't just fix me like this."
"I know."
"So help me John, if you turn out to be like the rest of them anyway, I will do something bad to you, and it will involve lube and a grenade."
Beat.
"I think that's the first time you called me 'John'."
Beat.
"...Oh... god..." Jack choked out and burst into tears.
The whimpering took hours to stop. A lifetime of abuse and neglect and isolation and pain and loneliness and blame came pouring out in tiny increments, and they both knew that all they had done so far was rip the old wounds open. Shepard did not try to seduce her. It was far too intimate to come to that. He did not offer platitudes or advice. There was nothing he could offer. After almost ten minutes, John slowly lowered his hands from their place around her body, and he started to move back.
And she clung to him.
Her leg moved over his knees, coiling around him like a scared five year old girl with a safety blanket. Her fingers dug into his thin shirt in a tight fist grip, and her face pressed into his collarbone. Shepard smiled softly and gently placed on hand over her gripping arm, almost holding her hand, the other arm sliding down her back, holding her as she wept.
She was trembling again. Shepard recognised the responses. They were ingrained. They were unconscious. When Tali saw Geth, she rested her hand on a weapon. When Joker saw enemy ships, he gripped the controls tighter. When Jack felt somebody's arms drawn tight around her body, she flinched away. it was a hardwired reaction. it couldn't be fought, it couldn't be denied. But she was struggling to let him stay near.
"Do you trust me?" He whispered to her finally.
"No."
Silence
"Do you want to trust me?"
"... ...yes."
Shepard took the hand gripping his shirt, and gently stroked her knuckles, till the fist opened slowly. Once the fingers were free, her hand started trembling again. he pulled it up to his shoulder, like a lover's embrace, but she got the point. She was as much a part of this as he was.
She rested one hand on his shoulder as she lay against him. Her legs relaxed from the combat crouch they seemed locked in, and she seemed to hold her breath a moment. She was still wearing her boots, and she kicked them off silently. The dull thud as they fell to the floor made them both jump, but her bare foot slid down to rub against his gently.
Shepard took it as his cue and gently reached past her enough to pull the blanket up over them both. "Sleep."
She seemed to nod a little, though sleep was far far away. She still had her face pressed into his collarbone. He could feel wetness as her tears were smeared on his skin. "Shepard... I don't sleep too good." She rasped finally. "I could kill you in my sleep and not even know till I woke up."
Shepard put a gentle kiss on the top of her bare head. "I know. I'm not as helpless as you like to think Jack. I've got bad stuff in my head too. I've been dead at least once, and you can imagine how that'll keep you awake at night."
She almost, almost started to smile at that.
With painful slowness, she started to relax a little, sliding down under the cover against him slightly so that her head rested on his chest.
Shepard woke up a few hours later as the bed shifted, and he saw her putting her boots on. "You don't have to leave you know."
She didn't say a word, she just stalked out.
He turned to his left, and noticed the flower on his bedside. The one that the girl had given Jack. It had aged, dried out, petals fallen off…
Shepard rolled his head back. "What am I doing?"
Another day, another mission. Jack stayed on the ship for this one, lost in thought. She started up her Omni-Tool, and started to type.
She'd taken an interest in poetry once, long ago. She'd never heard words that were meant to be beautiful before. Before that, it had all been question and answer, threat and warning…
She'd broken into a newsagent, looking for information. She'd been involved in something blatantly illegal, and her omni-tool destroyed. She'd gone to a public booth, looking for information, and found a notice for sending e-cards. She had no friends to wish happy birthdays to. She didn't even know what a birthday was. But the way the ad made it sound, suggested that a birthday was something nice, so she had sent an e-card to herself.
It was a funny little poem, with a happy thought, and a wish of love and luck.
Jack felt gutted. Words could make you feel good? Good feelings came from gutting somebody. She'd known that since as far back as she could remember.
So she went looking. She didn't even know what she was looking for. And after a while, she stopped looking and wrote her own. The one she had told Shepard in soft whispers exchanged in the dark.
Jack tapped away at her second poem again.
Two hearts broken, one dark, one light.
Torn jagged down the middle.
Two half hearts, missing the other halves.
Taped odd sides together with hugs.
One heart left between the two, but beating.
Shared back and forth in the dark.
She read it twice, bit her lip, and wondered what he would think.
And she deleted it quickly.
Another day, another mission. The report took a good bit longer than Shepard would have liked. Ashley… How was he supposed to put that down? Ash was almost certainly going to report this. Report him. He was outed, and he'd let her go. A decision he was never going to regret, but it was going to make his life more complicated…
He finally managed to put down something vague enough to satisfy him, but he knew that Miranda had made her own report. Hiding Ashley would have gained him nothing. So why had he made such an effort?
The answer was simple. He couldn't think of her as an enemy. Not even to himself. Not even in his own log.
Gentle hands touched the back of his neck, and the half-asleep soldier moaned a little. "Come on." Jack said. "I can't sleep. You know I can't sleep any more." She sounded as exhausted as he felt.
"There's something different about you tonight." He said blearily.
She pushed him back slowly and he almost fell into the bed. "Figure it out in the morning." She told him quietly, and curled in next to him.
"Reveille. Attention All Personnel: it is now 0600. Reveille. Begin day watch. Night watch department heads make your reports to the duty officer of the day. First shift beings now."
Shepard woke up and realized he was not alone.
Jack was still there. She was sprawled over his body. she was awake and looking up at his face, tracing one of his scars lightly.
"You're still here." He murmured.
Jack nodded, looking terrified again. Her eyes looked so big and expressive when she trembled like that... The emotion in them running so deep it leaked out in barely restrained tears.
They lay together for a long time, just listening to each other breathe.
"What are you thinking?" Shepard asked finally.
She was silent a long time. "Is this real?" She said finally. "I mean... is this really happening?"
"Yeah. I think so."
She wrapped her arms around him in return as best she could. Shepard took a chance, and put his arms around her properly, hugging her body to his. She snuggled in close, and he let out a held breath slowly.
She was like a wounded and beaten animal merged with a war refugee. She could go from needy to homicidal in a heartbeat. Shepard wondered for a moment if he'd bitten off more than he could chew.
Jack let out a few choice four letter words. "Oh god, are you going to be one more thing I have to survive?" She was nearly crying again.
"I was just thinking that about you." Shepard admitted softly.
They lay like that for a few minutes, and she sat up. So did he. She picked up her boots again, pulled them on and looked back at him.
Shepard finally put his finger on it. "You're not wearing the mascara anymore."
"Got tired of looking like my eyes were bleeding ink." She muttered, sounding exhausted.
"Jack, if-"
She leaned forward, and gave him a kiss on the lips, so soft he barely felt it, and then she jumped up, racing for the door again.
Shepard watched after her as the door closed, and sucked in a breath. "Okay Shepard. Don't screw it up now." He told himself.
Kelly, Tali and Donnelly had a standing poker game. Daniels and Shepard joined it at some point. Having the Commander at the table was nerve-wracking at first. But once Shepard played the part of a rookie who didn't know what he was doing, they relaxed and decided to have some fun with him. An hour later, Shepard had demonstrated how well he'd played them, suddenly five hundred credits richer.
The next game, they were not so taken in, and two hours later, there was little change in their chips.
"I thought I had a good poke face." Tali complained lightly, throwing down her cards. "Is it my posture? How much I bet? What?"
Shepard grinned at Donnelly. "Do you want to tell her, or shall I?"
"Tell me what?" Tali asked.
"Oh please, let's not. I'm only barely breaking even!" Donnelly complained.
"Tell me what?" Tali demanded.
"We can see your cards." Shepard told her. "There's a reflection off your facemask."
"What?" Tali screeched as everyone laughed hysterically.
Then Kelly noticed a shadow that wasn't there before and jumped, letting out a short sharp scream of shock.
Everyone spun, and saw an intimidating silhouette. Jack was standing at the table, and nobody had seen her coming.
"Yeah. I tend to have that effect on people." Jack told Kelly indifferently.
"Something you need Jack?"
Jack licked her lips, awkward, but determined. "I was wondering if you could use another player."
Stunned silence.
"You play poker?" Tali asked in awed disbelief.
"Well sure, but I'm not very good." Jack said automatically.
"Oh no you don't." Daniels snorted. "I fell for that one from the Commander; I'm not falling for it again!"
A laugh went up and Jack almost, almost smiled too.
"Pull up a chair." Shepard told her, and Jack sat down to play with them.
He waited up for her, but she didn't come. He checked his omni-tool. 2345. He checked the door. Nothing. He listened for the hallway. Silence.
He checked his omni-tool again. 2349.
Why was he waiting like this? What did he think was going to happen?
He checked his omni-tool again. 2353.
So she'd put her foot up his leg during the game. So what?. She was just trying to rattle him. And she'd succeeded, taking over a hundred from his winnings. It didn't mean anything. She'd told him as much a dozen times.
He checked his omni-tool again. 2359.
So why was he waiting up for her? He'd been mostly asleep every time she'd come. She needed him now, to be able to sleep. It didn't mean he needed her too. Right?
He checked his omni-tool again. 0009.
Giving up, he went to sleep.
Shepard woke up a little later, and found she was climbing in with him again. "You know, you could tell me when you're coming."
"I figure one day, I'll come in and catch you with the Cheerleader, or the Buckethead." Jack quipped. "Or both."
"And then what?"
"Well, that'll be an interesting night for you, won't it?"
It didn't take nearly as long this time for them to settle, the position already routine. She curled up under his arm, wrapped one leg around his knees and stretched her top half across him, as he wrapped his arms around her to keep her there.
"How long till we reach Omega 4?" She asked him quietly.
"Two days." Shepard answered her. "One way or another, this ends in two days. And in a way, I'll be glad to see the back of it."
Silence.
"Turn the lights off. I mean, right off." She said finally.
Shepard waved over the sensor beside his bed, and everything went pitch black. The fish tank, the standby lights, the safety lights over the door-frame... The view-port to the stars was the only light left at all.
"The Doc came to see me when you were wounded." Her voice said quietly. "He said that I should stay away for a while. He said that you were in no shape for, and I quote 'a highly active and physically durable specimen like me to seek mutual stress relief'."
"I was so." Shepard responded, vaguely offended and amused.
"The whole ship thinks we're 'stress relieving' each others brains out in here." Jack commented. "I'm pretty sure Joker knows I came in here just now."
Shepard snorted. "Well, you know what a discreet and sensitive soul he is."
Silence. Her felt her fingers search their way up his chin, and start tracing his lips softly. He felt his heart start to race.
"Does it bother you?" She asked finally. "That we haven't..."
"No." He promised her immediately.
"Really?" She asked neutrally. "Because, I told you when I came on board that if you wanted to do it to me, I was fine with it. The offer still stands, I wouldn't mind..."
"Okay, first of all, every time you've brought it up, you've used words such as: 'just like all the others'. And if I was like them, you wouldn't keep coming back here, would you?"
"No." Jack conceded.
"And secondly, if we ever did? I wouldn't want you referring to it as 'something I did to you and you wouldn't mind.'"
Jack's eyes welled up again. "I don't know if I can think of it as anything else anymore."
Shepard felt so sorry for her, and was glad for the darkness. She would kill him in a heartbeat if she saw pity on his face. "Shh." He whispered. "Don't stress about that. Just... let it all go for a while."
He felt her fingers withdraw from his face, and settle back on his shoulder. "Do you just not... I mean... is it me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't exactly look like the type you'd go for, Mr Hero of the Human Race. I'm not perfect like Miranda, I'm not cheerful like Tali, and I'm not curvy like Samara. I don't look like any of the type you'd find in one of Joker's hidden vid files, unless he's kinkier than I think. I wouldn't fit in on Earth, or the Citadel. I mean... I'm pretty out there."
"Jack, I don't know if you noticed, but most of my day to day life includes aliens, parasitic husks like the walking dead, full blown synthetics... My crew is made up of people with implants, cybernetic limbs, scales, feathers, exo-skeletons, environment suits, combat armors in all the colors of the spectrum... Body tatts ain't exactly the most unusual thing I see an attractive woman wearing, you know?"
"Hmm." She seemed satisfied with that.
Shepard shifted a little. "Jack?"
"Hm?"
"Are you... growing your hair out?"
Silence.
"Just haven't bothered with shaving it back down lately. Is... is that all right?"
"Personally, I've always wondered what color it was."
She snuggled into him tightly and shut her eyes. "John?"
"Yeah?"
"Everyone on board is assuming that we're going at it like rabbits on stims. If someone asks, don't set them straight. I swear to god, the first person that refers to me as a cuddler gets air locked."
Shepard laughed.
"Reveille. Attention All personnel: it is now 0600. Reveille. Begin day watch. Night watch department heads make your reports to the duty officer of the day. First shift beings now."
Shepard opened his eyes. She was still there, curled into him. She was holding his arms, pulling them in more tightly around her. She looked up at his face. "Hi."
He smiled at her. "Morning."
She made no move to pull away. "You're the captain. You can show up late, right?"
"I got some time." Shepard conceded, pretty comfortable where he was.
Long silence. She was silent against his side, rocking a little, stretching her muscles without really moving, rubbing herself against him. He was the same way, stroking a hand up and down her spine as she writhed like a big cat being petted.
"When I was a little kid, in that room..." She said softly, the panicked look now somewhat faded. "They taught me how to read, so that I could answer testing questions. I saw through the window, at one of the guards... he brought this book to read with him. Once, he left it on the edge of the desk when he went to do something. I used my powers to pull the book over. I'd never seen one before. I saw the words, and I made the pages turn. I read maybe fifteen pages before he came back and caught me."
"What was the book about?"
"I don't know. But there was this scene in the book, where a little girl had a nightmare. In the book she went running to her parents' room, and climbed into bed with them because she was still scared. In the book, they held her and took care of her. It was the first time I had ever learned the word 'love'." She turned her face into his chest so that she couldn't look at him. "It was a fairy tale. One I didn't believe in. There aren't arms to hold you in real life, there's just a table to hide under." She lifted her head enough and started kissing his arms, still around her. She kissed all up and down his arms, from his shoulders down to his fingertips. "Arms. Since I come here... arms."
"Two arms, no waiting. I promise, they'll be here for you."
Jack seemed to freeze for a second. "I'm just going to shut up now. You should feel free to do the same."
Shepard did so, not pushing it. She had stayed long enough to speak to him in the morning. It was the first time she hadn't left before Reveille. She was still like a frightened wild thing. He had to let her come to him.
"I'm not someone who gives in Shepard. I never have." She said finally. "It's how I survive. I never give in. I never surrender."
"Who says it's a war?" Shepard asked her. "I don't give in either, but I'm here, aren't I?"
Silence.
"Where did you come from?" She croaked, tears streaming down her face. "How in the name of whatever can you put up with me? Every time I get close I want to scream of cry or throw up or kill you. It's a big bag of crazy in my head. Doesn't that bother you at all? I mean... you must have some sense of self preservation! Anyone with the intelligence of a rock knows to stay the hell away from me!"
"Jack..." Shepard said. "Can I confess something to you now?"
She sniffed. "Uh-huh."
"I've been beaten up by street gangs as a child, I've been through Blitzes and Sieges, I've fought in more battles than I can remember, I've been blown up, shot, buried too many of my friends, had the whole galaxy hunting me, been dead for two years and resurrected by organizations that scare the hell out of me, and even now I expect to be dead again in the next day or so... Being nuts is stamped on the boarding pass for this ship. I'm hanging on by my fingernails most of the time too."
Jack looked at the haunted expression on his face like he'd suddenly grown a second head, and kept staring for several seconds until an amazing smile bloomed on her face. "Thank god!" She pounced forward and kissed him passionately. A kiss that Shepard had no trouble returning.
After a time, Jack broke the kiss and pulled back for air. "Tonight." She told him firmly. "No more reasons. I'll come by early. Be here after evening chow."
The door chimed. It was the first time she had knocked.
Shepard swallowed his nerves and answered the door.
Jack was framed in the doorframe, a bottle in each hand. "I thought you might like a nightcap first." She said. And then burst into tears.
"Come in." Shepard tugged her inside gently, took the bottles from her hands and set them down on the table.
Jack was still crying, her mascara painting down her cheeks and she wiped at the tears furiously. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm reacting like this. Everything I was planning to do tonight... I've done before, with people I didn't even like. I don't know why this is harder."
"Maybe because it means something else to you this time?" Shepard dared. "Maybe because this is the first time... you wanted to?"
"How are you doing this?" She whispered. "Too much just bounces off me. But not you. How are you doing this to me?"
"We're doing it." He promised her softly. "You want break down like this too. I'm not making anything change. You are."
Long silence.
"I've never..." She broke off and took a moment to go through her extensive list of profanity. "Dammit, I learned the trick of it Shepard. I knew how to be lonely. It was safe. It was strong. It was easy. I know my part in every story. Everything made sense before you came along. I'm a very strong person godammit! You feel, you die!"
In one convulsive movement, she made her choice, and her enhanced speed took him in a desperate clinging grip. Her fingers dug in everywhere they could touch and Shepard made a conscious effort not to scream in sudden pain.
She shivered again. "I can't. I can't do this."
Shepard felt himself start breathing harder. "Yes. You can."
"No I can't." She pulled back a little.
"You can. But if it takes time, then it takes time." He lowered his hands from her shoulder blades.
"We don't have time!" Jack snarled violently into his shoulder. "We're reaching the target in what? A day? If you get killed tomorrow, is spending the night with you like this going to make it easier or harder?"
"I plan to do as little dying as possible." Shepard retorted. "If that's the only reason you're here, then let it be tomorrow's problem. What about you? What if you get killed? Is this going to make it easier or harder for me?"
Jack blinked, as though the notion of her death being hard had never occurred to anyone.
"Do you want to go?" he asked her finally.
Her fingers tightened convulsively. "No." She said. "Please."
The word hung in the air for a full two seconds before her face hardened. "Oh god. Tell me I didn't just beg!"
"Jack-"
Blue fire raced across her skin and hurled him into the wall. "-DON'T WANT PITY!" She screamed, and stormed out of the room, bellowing foul obscenities and promising a swift painful death to any who approached her.
She stayed away for almost four hours.
The door opened quietly, and Shepard turned away from the window to see Jack come in. She looked... scared. No. Not scared. Uncertain.
"I'm glad you came back." Shepard said quietly. "Even if nothing-"
"We've got no chance." She said to him seriously. "If you wanted one night, you should have done something about it when we first met. We're past that now. I'd either kill you or do something stupid. Or you'd get sick of holding me together and you'd walk, or you'd find somebody not so... homicidal. Any path I see ends with us being at each others throats or dead within a week. And that's not even counting what happens tomorrow."
"So?"
"So, that sucks."
"I know. I don't care. And if you did, you wouldn't be here."
The change in her was incredible. She suddenly seemed like a lost child. She tore her gaze away from him, looked down at herself, the scars she'd inflicted, the tattoos she'd drawn... The tears formed in her eyes like whisper of her soul daring to peek through. Her lips moved with soundless words, but Shepard could see the question clearly. What have I made myself into?
Shepard came over, and she actually took a small step back. "We'd kill each other in a week." She swore.
"But it would be a pretty spectacular week." Shepard murmured. She was actively trembling as he reached for her. Wanting this, afraid to want this...
He did not dare pressure her. The moment was so horribly fragile; he would not risk tipping the scales. Instead he just... touched. His hands ran gently from her fingertips, up to her shoulders. She was shaking. The tears went unnoticed, and her eyes seemed panicked.
Slowly, so very slowly, he leaned in the tiniest bit, put a kiss that forgave and comforted on the very corner of her lips. The shudder rolled through her motionless body like a convulsion. With her full lips parted and tears drawing black streaks of make up down her face, she looked so young and scared that Shepard almost felt like a monster for being near her.
She turned into him again, moulding her body against his like a second skin. "Touch me." She whispered.
And he did. His hands ran gently over her, tracing every tattoo she'd had drawn into her skin, anointing her art with his touch. The skin felt different where the inks had marked her. The ridges of her scars were next, and he stroked and kissed them all, one by one. It was passionate and sensual, but somehow more spiritual than physical. It was a healing touch, and she trembled under it.
She pulled them both over the edge of the bed till he was above her, and she arched her neck to take his lips in a long and emotional kiss. He returned it desperately and they were both lost.
He woke up first this time. Even asleep she had this strange little smile on her face, like she wanted to be smiling but didn't quite know how.
"Reveille. Attention all personnel: it is now 0600. Reveille. Begin day watch. Night watch department heads make your reports to the duty officer of the day. First shift beings now."
Her eyes opened and saw him, and the smile came freely and relaxed. "Morning."
"Morning." He whispered back. "How'd you sleep?"
"Better than I have in years."
"Me too."
Silence.
"What are you thinking?" Shepard asked finally.
Jack smiled again, but this time in embarrassment. "You'll think it's silly."
"Tell me anyway."
"You've seen me without my clothes on before. Hell, you know how I dress, plenty of people have seen me without clothes on before... last night was the first time anyone saw me laid bare."
Shepard wrapped his arms around her again. "Why would that be silly?"
"I don't know." Jack admitted. "I just know that...well... you know I've been around a few times... this is the first time when gentle and emotional actually did it for me. It's just not me. Tender is not like me."
"Seemed to be pretty second nature to you last night."
"It did, didn't it?" Jack sighed and pressed her face into his skin, taking in a long breath, kissing him softly on the neck. "Nobody has ever been nice to me like this before. Not once. That takes more than bad luck; that takes real talent. I thought I was over it. I really thought I was past it. But since I was a kid... I just wanted someone to be nice to me." They kissed softly. "Thank you John. Thank you for this. Everyone should have this at least once in their life."
"I needed this as much as you did." He whispered back.
"As much?" She repeated. "No, I don't believe that's true."
The tension had been broken. They were talking suddenly, touching each other constantly, as if afraid breaking contact would make the moment end.
"What can I say? I didn't know what I was doing." Jack confessed. "After that hellhole, I knew more about sex than any twelve year old should, but what I knew about enjoying it was much less, and what I knew about being with someone could fit on the head of a pin."
"Bastards." Shepard commented with venom.
"Tell me about it. But... I think once you get to thinking about a little girl as a science project, and not a person, seeing her as an available piece of meat isn't much harder. I was subhuman to them from the start."
"Did you ever have anyone?" Shepard asked. There was no particular jealousy, they were just talking about their lives.
"Sometimes. Partners in crime, mostly. I learned from them, about survival, about equipment, about money... Well, there was this one guy. Murtock... he was a nice guy, for a mercenary and a weapons smuggler, but I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to be. He was like me. Started every morning with his fists up. Don't know what did it for him, but... I think he loved me, but he didn't like me. When he wanted sex, I gave it to him. It was the first time anyone cared if I enjoyed it, so it meant a lot. When he needed help on a job, I was there. Didn't really see a future with him, but it was better than anything else I'd ever had."
"What happened?"
"He felt. He got sloppy. He died." She sighed, and took a slug from one of the bottles she'd brought the night before. "Now you."
"Ashley. Her name was Ashley. She was a soldier, back when I was still Alliance. We met up on a world that was being invaded. She lost her whole unit, and we just sort of adopted her. I was mid-mission. Nothing serious, just saving the galaxy."
"Again?" Jack deadpanned. "So, how does it work for normal people? Love at first sight?"
"The regs meant we couldn't get together. But once we were declared renegades and went on the run; it didn't seem to matter."
"I'm beginning to see a pattern in the women you date." Jack commented, nuzzling into his fingers a bit.
"Is that what this is? We dating now?"
"If we live till dinner time, bring two trays in here and we'll call it whatever you like." Jack shrugged that off. "So what happened?"
"I got killed in action. When I came back, Cerberus was too much for her; given that she's still miliary."
Jack swore colorfully. "You told me something about her I can respect. Kinda wish you hadn't done that."
"If you knew her, you'd appreciate what a stretch it was for her even letting me walk away. If she'd arrested me right there, she would have been in character. She was... loyal. To the point of intolerance. It was the hardest part for us. She tended to see things in absolutes, no exceptions. Being the first human Spectre meant I had to play nice with a lot of people she didn't trust."
Silence.
"...wonder what she'd make of me?" Jack said after a wile.
"A tough, powerful human, a young woman forced into horrible things by the evils of criminals, motivated to extreme measures by threats to humanity from outside forces? You're exactly what she's fighting for."
Silence.
"If she was here, would we still-"
"Shh." Shepard shushed her. "No, we wouldn't. I would still do anything for you, and so would she. But it wouldn't be like this. The Band of Brothers bond is a tough nut to crack... so is love. But she walked away, Jack. I'd never betray her. Or now you."
Silence.
"I believe you." Jack said finally. "I wish I didn't. I really wish I could not have any faith in you at all. But I do. Band of Brothers, right?"
"From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he never so vile." Shepard quoted.
Jack toasted with the bottle, took another deep pull, and then handed the bottle to him.
"I wouldn't have pegged you for a poetry fan." Shepard said lightly, tracing the tattoos on her thighs.
"I'm not really. But I tried writing one once. The one I told you. On a dare, I submitted it to some competition. They rejected it. Said it didn't fit into a metered format."
Shepard actually laughed. "Jack, nothing we do fits into other people's timetables."
Jack smiled a bit. "Guess not. She noticed him looking at her face intently. "Now what?"
"I never realized till just now how little you smiled. And I don't mean a feral grin, I mean a real happy smile. Your whole face changes."
"Yeah?"
"You look so beautiful when you smile."
Her famous sub-zero eyes came back and turned on him. "And other times? What am I then?"
Shepard froze. "Um... ah..." He stammered eloquently.
She took pity and came forward, almost bent double to kiss him softly.
"Captain to the Bridge, captain to the bridge please." The PA announced.
"We're almost to Omega 4." Jack whispered.
The two of them sighed. The night was over. They both pulled away from each other reluctantly and got ready to face the day.
"Shepard?"
"You used to call me John."
"Not when we leave this room I won't. You're right about me. I don't let people in. When we leave this room..." She sighed hard, her face hardening again. "What comes next, will require us both to be very dangerous. I think we had both better start doing that now. You managed to get close somehow, but that doesn't go for the whole crew."
"And when we come back to this room?" Shepard asked, almost scared of the answer.
Jack looked at him evenly, slinging her gun belts around herself. "Do you really think any of us are coming back?"
No. The answer was obvious. It was no. It was a suicide mission, plain and simple. "We've beaten the odds before."
Jack didn't believe him, but let him say it anyway. She went to the door and paused, staring at the closed door like hell was on the other side. He zipped his jacket up and went to the door himself.
She turned without a word and took him in a tight fierce hug. He returned it. It was as solid a farewell as either of them was going to give.
Jack turned back to the closed door, and her shoulders straightened, her limbs coiled. In the space of a breath, the soft, puppy dog eyes were gone, and Subject Zero was ready for war. "See you in the next life Shepard."
"Likewise."
Game Faces on, the two of them marched for the Bridge, ready to save the Galaxy.
AN: Yes, I know that I'm getting the order of the missions messed up, and yes I know that the Mako isn't in the second game. They're here purely as a plot device. Yes, I know that several of the details are all wrong. I was more focused in how they affected the point of this story than how they fit strictly into the Mass Effect universe. This was more about Jack/Shepard interaction rather than what was actually said in the game.
That being the case, I hope it made sense to you all.
Jack's first poem is actually canon. It's part of the Shadow Broker's files on her. The second was my own creation.
This is one of the darker fics I've written, and I had to struggle to keep the 'T' rating. It touches on, without dwelling on, a number of heavy topics.
I hope it rang true, and I hope you'll review.