The One With All The Reversals

by: Exintaris

Disclaimer: The Friends characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

This was partly inspired by rossandrachelforever's nice little piece The One With the Switched Personalities, which I urge you all to read because it is funny. I hope that this will be too. In a sense, it is also like The One That Could Have Been, in that it is trying to imagine how things could have worked out differently, and so it takes place back at the beginning, before Ross and Rachel got together, let alone anyone else. For those who know Friends right from the beginning, it should start somewhere after the middle of Series 1; there are some references to events in Series 1 episodes. I have not finally decided how it's going to end, so suggestions are welcome, but I can't promise to act on any of them. Don't bother to suggest that they will get together in the standard couples, though, because that's not the point.

-----

Monica woke and looked at the alarm clock. It showed about ten minutes after the time when she usually got up. Ordinarily this would have catapulted her out of bed and into the bathroom, in a panic that everyone would be there wanting breakfast before she was ready for them. But this morning she felt laid back about the whole thing. She told herself that the world would not come to an end if everything wasn't on the table. In fact, she thought in a moment of unwonted rebelliousness, maybe they could get their own damn breakfasts for once, instead of relying on her. She wasn't their mom. She closed her eyes again, luxuriating in the unaccustomed feeling of lazing in bed.

Faint noises began to come to her ears from the direction of the living room. This intrigued her enough that she decided to get up and investigate. When she opened her bedroom door, the noises became clearer, the sounds of vigorous washing up. Still more intrigued, she went into the living room, to see Rachel at the sink, fully dressed and wearing an apron, finishing off the last mugs and glasses from the night before.

Rachel turned and smiled at her. 'Hi Mon!' she said cheerfully. 'I just thought I'd get this out of the way.'

'Wow!' said Monica, completely taken aback. 'What's brought this on?'

'Well, you know, I woke a bit early and was lying in bed thinking, and I remembered that we left stuff from last night, and it just didn't seem fair to leave them for you, when you do so much for us.' Rachel smiled at her again.

Monica was quietly amazed. Was Rachel really turning over a new leaf? 'Thanks, sweetie,' she said. 'That's great. I'll get the coffee on.'

They were beginning breakfast when Joey and Chandler arrived. Joey sat down and then looked round the table. 'Where are the Cheerios, Mon?' he said in a disgruntled tone.

Just as Monica was about to tell him to get them himself, Rachel leaped up.  'Here you go, Joey,' she said, getting them out of the cupboard. 'Anything else while I'm up?'

Both Chandler and Joey looked at her in surprise. 'Is there going to be some kind of waitress competition, and you're practising?' Chandler asked.

'Why, no,' said Rachel, sounding bemused. 'Just trying to be helpful.'

As their surprise deepened into complete perplexity, Ross came in, looking very cheerful.

'What a great day,' he said. 'All the birds are singing, and the tree buds are bursting, and the flowers are out … You know, I sometimes think the problem with studying dinosaurs is that they're all dead. Sometimes I feel like studying stuff that's still alive.'

He helped himself to cereal and coffee, oblivious to the way his sister and friends all stared at each other in a wild surmise. Before they could comment, Phoebe also came bustling in.

'This'll interest you, Pheebs,' said Chandler. 'Ross was saying that the problem with studying dinosaurs is that they're all dead.'

Phoebe cocked her head. 'Well, yeah,' she said, 'but that's true of the ancient Greeks and Romans and stuff like that, and people still study them.'

'That's an interesting argument, Pheebs,' said Ross, 'but isn't that because we still have their voices, in their literature, and we can see them in their art, so they're not wholly dead?'

Phoebe looked lost in thought for a moment, evidently searching for a reply, while the others gaped. Phoebe engaging in rational argument?

Then her face cleared. 'Ah, but archaeologists also study past societies that have left no written records or even pictures of themselves,' she said.

Ross grinned and ducked his head. 'You got me,' he said. 'Well done, Pheebs.'

She smiled. 'I'm not just a pretty face, you know. I can think,' she added in a fake-vicious tone.

He nodded. 'How about this? Maybe it's that we can feel empathy with any kind of human being, but dinosaurs … man, they're just so long ago, and most of them are so big, and the climate's so different, and all that. It takes a real effort to imagine their world.'

'But what a fascinating world!' said Phoebe enthusiastically. 'I wish I had your knowledge, Ross.' She gazed at him in apparent admiration. 'It must be so great to be able to pick up some fossil and know all about it.'

Ross shrugged, though he looked pleased. 'It's no big deal, if you've spent your life learning it. Maybe you'd like to come and look at my fossils some time? I've got all kinds.'

'I'd love to,' said Phoebe eagerly. 'How about tonight?'

'Uh … okay,' said Ross, evidently taken aback by her eagerness. 'Let's fix the time later, in Central Perk, when I get out of the museum.'

'Great!' said Phoebe, clapping her hands. 'I'm looking forward to it already.'

'Is anyone else feeling faint?' Chandler asked, looking around. 'Maybe this is a dream. Someone pinch me.'

Rachel leaned over and gave his butt a half-pinch, half-caress.

'Whoa!' he cried, jumping half out of his seat. 'That was some pinch!'

'Well, it proves you weren't dreaming!' said Rachel playfully.

Chandler turned to her and smiled his most winning smile. 'I'm not so sure about that,' he said. 'When I look at you, sometimes I think I must be having the most beautiful dream.' There was no suggestion in his voice that he was joking.

'Ooh, Chandler!' said Phoebe, giggling, while Monica's jaw dropped, Ross glowered, Joey looked completely flabbergasted, and Rachel blushed slightly but did not look displeased.

'Would anyone like to tell me what the hell is going on?' said Joey plaintively. 'It seems to me, people are beginning to act strange.'

'Yeah, I feel like that too,' said Monica. 'Hey, Joey, are you sure you've had enough? You haven't taken a second bowl of Cheerios.'

'Oh, one's enough,' said Joey. 'Lot of sugar in those things, ya know. An actor needs to be careful what he eats.'

'You feeling OK, Joe?' said Ross, frowning. 'It's not like you to pass up free food.'

'Well, it's not like you to dump on dinosaurs, either,' Joey replied spiritedly.

'Oh, well,' said Ross casually. 'You can have too much of dinosaurs, you know.'

There were several gasps, and Monica felt that if she had many more shocks to the brain she would faint. What was up with everybody? Rachel being willingly domestic – Ross acting tired of dinosaurs – Phoebe arguing with him like a professor and wanting to know about fossils – Chandler coming on to Rachel – Joey turning down food – it was enough to make anyone's head swim. She got up.

'I'm going to take a nice long shower,' she said. 'Don't need to be at the restaurant for a good while yet. You'll clear away, won't you, Rach? But no hurry, mind.'

'G-glad to, Mon,' said Rachel, as she looked after Monica in some amazement. Ordinarily Monica would have thrown herself into making everything look as neat and tidy as possible as soon as there was any sign that breakfast was over. She had been known to clear away plates as someone was lifting the last mouthful to their face. What had come over her?

-----

'What the hell was that, Chandler?' said Joey as they returned to their apartment.

'What the hell was what?' said Chandler flippantly.

'You were coming on to Rachel,' said Joey. 'You've never done anything like that to any of the girls before.'

'Why, no, I don't think I have,' said Chandler, looking around for the phone, picking it up, and sitting down, 'but you know what, Joey? From now on, maybe I will. It's crazy to hang around with these hot chicks and never make a move, especially when they seem to be having such problems getting dates.'

'But … but … that's not like you!' Joey stammered, also sitting down. 'I'm the one that should be trying to hit on them, if anyone is.'

'Well, why don't you?' said Chandler in apparently sincere surprise. 'I certainly won't stop you.'

'Oh well,' said Joey, dropping his eyes, 'I got off on the wrong foot with Monica; I won't get anywhere there. And Phoebe … I guess she'd just laugh. I'm not sure even Rachel would take me seriously.'

'But do you want to be taken seriously?' said Chandler. 'What happened to new-girlfriend-every-week Joey?'

Joey looked down and mumbled something unintelligible.

'Well, if you'll excuse me, I must make a phone call or two,' said Chandler. He tapped a number into the phone, and smiled when there was an answer. 'Hi, Aurora. It's Chandler. Look, I've been thinking, and I've realised I was stupid to break up with you. I'm at a bit of a loose end at the moment. Any chance you could … fit me into your schedule? Well, what time would suit you? Right, see you tonight.' He rang off and smirked at Joey, who was looking at him in amazement. 'Well, that should take care of the immediate problem, but of course Aurora's just for fun. For a more serious relationship I would look elsewhere.'

'I thought you got out because she was married and had other lovers,' Joey protested.

'Yes, but I've realised that was dumb,' said Chandler. 'I mean, if you could go to bed with someone like Aurora, no strings attached, wouldn't you?'

Joey just shook his head, unable to understand this sudden change in his friend. Before he knew it, Chandler was telephoning again. His eyes bulged as he heard Chandler start exactly the same way. 'Hi, Janice. It's Chandler. Look, I've been thinking, and I've realised I was stupid to break up with you. Will you give me another chance?' He listened for a while, occasionally wincing. 'Well, okay, if you want to be like that about it …' He held the phone away from his ear. Janice had evidently cranked up the volume; Joey could almost hear her words. When the flow slackened, Chandler tried again. 'Yes, I thought we were great together too, it's just that … look, why don't we meet for a drink and I'll explain? I can't talk frankly now, Joey's here. Well, I can't make tonight, but tomorrow is certainly possible. Okay, six tomorrow in Central Perk and we'll go on from there.'

He rang off and again looked at Joey, whose mouth was now open in shock. 'You got a problem, my friend?'

'Janice?' queried Joey. 'You're trying to start things again with Janice as well? Why would you do that?'

'Well, only if I can get her to tone down a bit,' said Chandler.'As to why, well, she has a great body and she's a great lover. It's just, when she opens her mouth … I'm not sure she's aware of how irritating she can be. I'll go easy on her, but I want to see if she can change a little bit.' He looked at his watch. 'Time to go to work. See you, Joe.'

'I suppose you'll be trying to get dates there too,' Joey jibed.

'Well, why not?' said Chandler. 'There are some cute secretaries, and plenty of the data processors look good too.'

Then he was gone, leaving Joey sitting in befuddlement, slowly shaking his head.

-----

That morning in Central Perk, Gunther noticed Rachel leaning against the counter near him, gazing at him fixedly. Could this be it, he asked himself.

'Anything I can help you with, Rachel?' he asked, adding "my love" in his mind.

'I was trying to pick up on what you did when you fixed all those different coffees and teas and things,' she said. 'Seems to me, I ought to learn this stuff.'

'Oh,' he said, trying to conceal his disappointment. 'Well, want me to show you some things while we're slack here?'

'Sure thing,' she said, bright-eyed.

Maybe I can get her interested in me this way, he thought to himself. But though she expressed gratitude to him for the tutorial in producing coffee and other drinks, and they fixed a time for another one, it was clear that this was what she was really interested in, not him. She seemed finally to be trying to improve as a waitress, though, which was a good thing. He would not have to keep placating disgruntled customers and pleading with Terry for her to be given another chance. Personally, he thought a lot of the customers came in to look at her and could care less whether she was efficient or not; but it would undoubtedly be a plus if she was. Observing her surreptitiously for the rest of the morning, he noticed that she did indeed seem much improved, attentive to customers, getting their orders right first time, and much more careful about clearing stuff away. I wonder why she's changed now, he thought.