Dear Dummy and his Order of Fried Flamingos:
Hey, just thought I would give you an update on the status of the war. Really, it's not a big update, but you really should be expecting it. You LOST!
You see, I haven't been on your side ever since I got kidnapped, not that any of you noticed, after my fourth year. At first, I was a bit afraid, I mean, honestly, he had tried to kill me a few times already. However, I loved it here. Three meals a day, not being beating, not being locked up, not being neglected. That was a bit of a surprise.
Oh, don't try and say you didn't know. You did. How could you not? You had to send Hagrid to get me after my relatives ran with me. I know Madam Pomfrey informed you about the abuse, I saw you use a memory charm on her.
I know Molly Weasley did nothing when the Twins and I pointed out the bars in the back of the Weasley's car when they had to rescue me. Molly even sent me food every holiday so I could survive. How normal is that?
What really amazed me was I got a real bedroom. I wasn't sleeping in a boot cupboard or someone junk room. I was able to sleep without being woken up by someone beating you and demanding you make their breakfast. I wasn't given an impossible list of chores to do, knowing I would fail to complete it and get beaten for not finishing.
I was even given books, have my questions answered. I was able to do my holiday assignments.
I was given clothes that actually fit me. I was able to go out and explore Diagon Alley, explore other magical areas.
I even paid a visit to Gringotts. I have to say I was a bit surprised at how much you were paying my so-called friends and Molly. I mean, honestly, it was a bit much. Ron has the brains of a flea, and all it takes to get him away from me was to have him toss a hissy fit because he couldn't afford to buy something that I was given. Hermione, she was even easier. I just made up a list of interesting questions and off she went to the library. Ginny, even easier than my so called best friends. I just had to introduce to someone who might have a title or money. There is a reason she earned the name Easy Breezey Weasley.
I should also thank you for "forcing" Severus and me into Remedial Potion lessons. It certainly made my learning a lot easier as we didn't have to hide us spending time together. I should inform you that those "visions" are as fake as my "alliance" with the Light side.
Sirius and Remus wanted me to ask if you want your stuff from Grimmauld Place back? Oh, that is right, you most likely think that Bella sent Sirius through the Veil. A good bit of acting on all of our parts, and incredible illusion by Remus.
I hope by now you realize the "spies" you thought you had in Tom's camp were actually on our side. Arthur, the twins, Bill, and Charlie have already removed Molly, Ron, and Ginny from the family. We wanted to make sure you knew exactly what happened.
So now you have nothing. Hogwarts has a new Headmaster, it's me. Severus, my darling husband, is now the Deputy. I won't bother with filling you in on who will take what posts. You will find that out soon.
Tom and Lucius wanted me to warn you not to return to Britain. I wouldn't remain in Europe too much longer, the ICW is a bit upset with you. I wasn't going to inform you, but I really don't want those who blindly followed you to be hurt when they try to defend you.
Well, I have to go, Ministry party to celebrate my father's new appointment as Minister. Minister Riddle has a nice ring to it.
Lord Harry Potter